Chapter 12
He’s handsome. Now that his wounds have begun to heal, that’s clear. I thought heartbreak would stop me from ever wanting another man. If only my body was so sensible.
West was on edge. He should not have sent her those texts last night. He shouldn’t have answered her call. It was stupid. Now he just had to wait for her to get back. He wanted to text her again, but he had promised himself he wouldn’t. He had a feeling his restraint was going to pay off.
Unless she was taking all the heat generated between the two of them and giving it to another man. Hell. He didn’t care. She could do that. As long as he got to have her.
What the hell was the matter with him? In the span of a couple of days he had gone from being certain he was going to keep his hands to himself, certain that touching her was wrong, to deciding he wanted her, and he was willing to negotiate that situation however he needed to.
Sex didn’t need to be emotional. It also didn’t need to be a negative thing. It wasn’t as if he was corrupting her.
That was all puritanical bullshit. He didn’t buy into that. Any more than he bought into the idea that he had a devil inside him because he was impulsive. He didn’t.
Right. That’s exactly what the devil inside you wants you to think because now you’ve come up with a way that you can have her.
Whatever.
He was dying.
She was supposed to be back sometime this evening. He had no reason to see her. None at all.
He was working on his cabinets, because apparently that was his new favorite activity.
He should’ve gone out and found another woman.
Cassidy was off with another man. But he didn’t want anyone else.
His brain and body were sort of enjoying the torture.
Truth be told, he had convinced himself that it would be all the sweeter when he got to have her.
But he had no idea if he would actually get to have her.
He heard the sound of a creaking door and stopped what he was doing. He walked out to the entryway, still holding his belt sander.
It was Cassidy, standing there in the doorway looking glassy eyed.
“What are you doing here?” he asked.
“I had to come.”
“Why?”
“I needed to talk to you,” she said.
“I don’t want to talk.”
“I do.”
He stared at her. “So. Did you fuck him?”
She shook her head. “No.”
“Did he reject you? Are you coming here to have me soothe your ego?”
Right then he realized if that was why she’d come, he would be whatever she needed. He would give her whatever she wanted.
He had no pride as far as she was concerned.
He’d never felt this way before. He didn’t have a name for it. Didn’t understand it, but he couldn’t deny feelings that were this intense.
Self-denial had never, ever been a strength of his. He wasn’t going to start now.
“No. He didn’t reject me. He said he wanted to see where things could go between the two of us. He said we make sense. For all the reasons that I think we make sense.”
“Wow. I think I’d rather get fucked.”
“Great. Well, I’m not you. That’s the thing. I want to be safe. I want what he’s offering. I want love. And marriage.”
“You can have that. Eventually. But if you don’t know how things would be between the two of us, you can’t really know how you feel about him.”
“I don’t think I need to experience …” She was breathing hard, her eyes filled with tears. “I said that I wanted to see where things go with him. And he kissed me.”
“Did you like it?”
“Yes. It was really nice.” She was blinking back tears now.
“He just kissed you the once.”
“Yeah. We … we talked about it a little bit more in the car on the way down. He said he wants to take it really slow. And that I have time to figure things out. Because what he’s thinking about is something serious and permanent and all of that.
But, of course, we can’t know that right out of the gate. ”
“You’re not in a relationship—that’s what you’re telling me?”
She shook her head. “No. It’s a … Maybe we’ll go on a date next week?”
“Oh. What a stunning declaration.”
“Yeah. Really stunning.”
“You came here for me.”
She shook her head. “No. No, I didn’t come here for you, because I’m not like that. Because sex is special. It’s supposed to be special, right? And you have to lose your virginity to somebody you love.”
“Your virginity?”
“Yes. I’ve never … I’ve never actually slept with anybody because I wanted to wait for him. I need to wait for him.”
“Why? Why do you need to wait for him? Why do you need to wait for him when you want me?” he said, throwing the belt sander off to the side, ignoring the crashing sound it made, not caring what damage it caused.
“You must want me so much to be here, even though you hate that you want me like you do. You hate that I make you feel things that he doesn’t.
But I do. Because if I didn’t, you wouldn’t be standing there, Cassidy, and we both know it.
If you weren’t staying up at night fantasizing about me, you would just tell me to fuck off.
You think you love him, yet you’re still here. That’s not a small thing.”
A tear tracked down her cheek. “But sex isn’t important. It’s not like love.”
“That’s bullshit. It is important. Your body, your pleasure, your needs, they’re important.
Your feelings aren’t separate from them.
You want to be safe. I’m offering you a sure thing.
He’s the one who wants to see where it goes.
I can tell you exactly where it goes, Cassidy: upstairs, to my bed.
And it’s going to be amazing. We don’t have to use restraint.
You don’t have to worry about hurting me.
You don’t have to worry about breaking anything. ”
“But why do you want me?”
She needed an answer to that question. And he needed to answer it.
He crossed the space between them and walked over to her, reaching out and touching her cheek. She flinched.
“What?” he asked.
“He touched me like that. It didn’t feel the same.”
“Bodies are a bitch, Cassidy. Your heart wants him, but this … this is what we have between us. Your body wants me. And until you have me, this isn’t going away.”
“Why?”
“Chemistry. Something in me recognized something in you from the first moment I saw you.”
“But what?”
“You want to be safe. And I’m not safe, not really.
But I will be, in this, for you. I’ll make you feel good.
I won’t break your heart. You can taste something wild just for a little bit.
Me … I’ve never had anything to call mine.
I’ve never had anyone take care of me. I …
I love my family. But they’re not like most other people.
That’s fine. I’m not either. I want you to take care of me.
To touch me. I want you to be there, soft for me. Mine.”
“I’m supposed to wait for him,” she said. “Because the first time should be special.”
“This is going to be special. It might not be forever, but it will be special. I don’t even remember my first time, not really. I’m going to remember this. The most important thing your first time should be is good. I promise you it will be.”
He was on the verge of exploding. He was so hard it hurt.
He wanted to grab her and pull her into his arms. He wanted to crash his mouth down over hers, claim her.
He wanted to kiss her and never stop.
But he had to wait. Because he was throwing out a hell of a lot of good lines, but she was a virgin. She had to want it. She had to want this, because the one thing he couldn’t stand was the idea of her waking up in the morning with regrets. He didn’t want her to have regrets.
It was her turn to close the distance between them. She put her hand on his face, her fingertips brushing his cheek, then trailing along his jawbone, to his lips. He closed his eyes for just a second, and that was when she went up on her toes and pressed her mouth to his.
He groaned and wrapped his arm around her waist, reveling in the feel of her body pressed against his.
She was perfect. Exactly as he remembered. Exactly as he’d fantasized.
And she hadn’t slept with Dalton. She was going to have him instead. He was going to be her first.
And then she could go and marry Dalton. And have babies, get that soft, safe, traditional life she wanted. He couldn’t give her that.
But he could give her multiple orgasms and a hell of a good time.
He consumed her, folding her into his arms and parting her lips with his, sliding his tongue deep into her mouth.
He was experienced. This was not a first for him.
But he felt like it was. He was shaking.
He had never experienced desire like this before.
Not with this level of intensity. This level of need.
He wasn’t sure he could make it upstairs.
But he owed her that. He owed her time. He owed her the fulfilment of her fantasies.
Whatever she wanted. He had made promises, and now he had to keep them.
There was a man she thought she loved out there, and he wasn’t getting this.
West was.
Thanks to the power of their chemistry, so if he let his enthusiasm mess this up, then he deserved hell, for sure and certain.
He pulled away from her, breathing hard. His hands holding her face, he looked into her eyes. “You want this?”
She nodded, wordlessly.
“You need to say it, Cassidy. I need to hear it from your mouth.”
“I want it.”
“You want me?”
He needed that too. It was okay that she loved someone else.
He could deal with that. She wanted something from Dalton that he might be able to give her.
West couldn’t give it to her. He wasn’t going to be selfish about that.
He wasn’t going to be jealous. But he needed to know right now in this moment that no part of her was fantasizing about another man. He needed it.
“Yes.”
“I need my name, pretty girl.”
“West. I want you, West.”