Chapter 16
We had Christmas, the two of us. I feel like I might find some happiness again.
As soon as she arrived at West’s house, he had grabbed her and kissed her. Then he had carried her upstairs and proceeded to have her until they were both out of breath. Now she was sitting in the middle of his bed with a tray of cheese and fruit, and a naked man sitting next to her.
It was an out-of-body experience. Because she couldn’t have imagined that she would end up here. Not even close.
And now it was difficult to imagine a time before. Difficult for her to remember that until recently, she hadn’t seen West naked. Hadn’t kissed him, hadn’t touched him. Hadn’t taken him inside her.
Now it was just who they were.
“So now you can explain,” he said.
“What exactly?”
“You telling Dalton that you don’t want to give this thing a try.”
“Well. I don’t want to give that thing a try with him.”
“Why exactly?” he asked, his gaze turning sharp with intensity.
“I don’t know that I can fully articulate—”
“Why?” he asked again.
“Because,” she said. “Because of you. Because of this. Okay?”
A smug smile crossed his face, and her heart throbbed painfully in her chest. “There you go.”
“Well. I hope you’re happy.”
“I don’t know if happy is the word,” he said.
But he lay back in the bed, putting his hands behind his head and grinning.
“The house looks great, by the way,” she said.
“Don’t try to deflect with small talk. I think we’re way past the point of small talk.”
“Maybe. But your house does look good. And you were worried about the trailer being messy.”
“Not worried,” he said. “But yeah, I don’t take women back to my place for a specific reason. Because I have trouble keeping things organized, and that tends to reflect poorly on me.”
“Well, it doesn’t make me think poorly of you. Life is busy.”
“Yeah. It is. It’s frustrating when you actually do care a lot about stuff, but you can’t seem to make your surroundings demonstrate it.”
“I’m sure it is.”
She looked down at her hands. “I’ve never really thought about it, because I never had anybody commenting on my room being clean or anything like that.”
“Oh, my parents don’t care. But teachers talked a lot about how disorganized I was. I knew a lot of the things they were teaching in class, but I couldn’t keep track of the textbooks, my notebooks. I forgot deadlines and all of that. So I just stopped trying.”
“I was just kind of average at school.”
It contributed to that floating along feeling. That sense that she was a little piece in the snow globe that didn’t matter overly much.
“What makes you think you were … average?”
“I mean, nobody commented on much of anything. Austin loves to read, but I can’t say that I do especially.”
“Me neither.”
“I like to work with the horses. That’s really what I love. That part of ranching. I learned how to sharpshoot; I know how to drive a wagon. But none of that is valuable on the ranch, not really. My brothers do the heavy ranching work.”
“But someone has to be good with the horses. You are. That’s not nothing.”
“Maybe not,” she said. “Maybe it’s not nothing.
But sometimes it feels like it. I only really know how to be in the background.
That’s what I learned when I was a kid. It was better for me not to be noticed.
Because being noticed in a lot of the places my mom took me wouldn’t be good.
It wouldn’t be good at all. Also, she dated a lot of drunk men, and I never wanted their attention either.
I didn’t want to be a bother. I didn’t … ”
“What?”
“I don’t usually think about this. Because I just find it so difficult.
I feel like I’m disappearing when I think about that girl.
The one who got dragged along everywhere, all the way to the top of the mountain, where she was left behind.
I thought maybe if I never thought about it, it wouldn’t matter.
As if it didn’t happen. I could make it so that I’m fine, and I’d never have to deal with all the trauma. ”
“There’s nothing wrong with being affected by the things you’ve been through,” West said. “In fact, if you weren’t, that would be weird.”
She huffed a laugh, a brutal sound. “I guess. I just thought maybe I could fix everything. And not have to deal with all of it. Because I am happy now.”
He leaned in and put his hand on her face, those blue eyes looking deep into hers, as if he could see things that she had never even fathomed herself.
“Both things can be true, you know. You can have a great life and also have been through some bad things. You can be happy and sad. Healed and wounded.”
“How do you know all that?”
She looked away from him, feeling small. Feeling simple by comparison.
“I’m older than you. I’ve been through some things.
Also, it’s a lot easier to look at somebody else and see that there’s nothing wrong with them.
Understand that they’re entitled to all of their feelings.
I don’t know that I have as easy a time of it with myself.
I love my parents. A hell of a lot, actually.
But they are capable of hurting me, even though they mean well.
I’m affected by their emotional distance.
I know I am. You spent so many years having to be fine.
You never let your guard down when you got to Rustler Mountain, not really. ”
“Maybe. Maybe I was just tired of being sad.”
He let out a hard breath. “Maybe. That’s fair. I can understand that.”
“I don’t feel sad right now. I feel a little bit stunned, I guess.
I can’t say that I really saw all this coming.
One minute, I had everything planned, and then I didn’t.
I knew exactly what I wanted, and then I didn’t.
It’s not bad; it’s just different. I feel a little bit like a child when I shouldn’t. ”
“But you have your family. And they’re going to support you through whatever you do.”
They would. They were. Flynn had even tried to fix her up with Dalton. Which was ridiculous, and far too supportive. Meddling, almost, and yet his intention had been so good …
Maybe she was underestimating her family. Or maybe she was just underestimating herself. Trying to keep herself from breaking open. From faltering.
Maybe she was still that kid, trying to carry too much responsibility and just be okay so she could move on to the next moment, and then the next, without having to truly face all of the pain she felt.
She wanted to be closer to West. She sat up on her knees, and moved toward him, straddling his lap and wrapping her arms around his neck, kissing him.
He rested his hands on her hips, holding her securely, and she could feel him getting hard right there at the juncture of her thighs.
He didn’t make any movement. He just kissed her. Long and deep and slow, as if he had nothing else to do.
He kissed her until she was dizzy. Until her whole body was on fire, and there was an ache at the center of her chest that began to deepen, spread.
This man.
He was so utterly fascinating. Unknown.
She had thought she could tame him with a sugar cube.
She laughed, right into his mouth.
He pulled his head back and looked at her, his expression comically confused. “Something funny about the way I’m kissing you?”
She shook her head. She moved her hands over his face—it was so weird to be able to do that.
To feel so intimate with him. “No. It’s just that when I first took this job, I thought you were just like all the other cowboys I knew.
I thought it would be like getting to know a new horse.
I could just tame you with sugar cubes.”
He chuckled, leaned forward, and bit her lower lip. “You’ve definitely tamed me a little bit with sugar.”
She laughed, and he propelled himself forward, which sent her back to lie on the mattress with him between her legs. “I’m okay with it.”
He was hard and naked, and she was wet, brought to the edge by all that kissing. “I’m a little bit more than okay with it,” she said.
The kissing took on an edge, became more hurried.
Her heart was pounding hard, her whole body on edge.
A few days ago, she had never done this before. A few days ago, she had thought she was going to do this with Dalton.
But she hadn’t really known what it would mean.
A week ago, she hadn’t thought she would ever kiss West Hancock. She had thought that what she was feeling was some kind of fluke. That it was something she needed to deny.
But it was all a part of herself that she had been trying to suppress because it was too much. Too big. Because it felt amazing, and she knew it had the potential to feel terrible. Because strong feelings were … scary.
They were so scary.
But West was kissing her, and that wasn’t scary.
He began to trail kisses down her neck, down her collarbone, into the valley of her breasts, her stomach.
Until his face was between her thighs and he was licking her.
She grabbed fistfuls of the blankets, trying to anchor herself, trying to maintain some semblance of control.
She had none. He growled, locking his hands together just beneath her belly button, and pulling her harder against his face as he devastated her with pleasure.
She let go of the blankets, grabbed onto his shoulders. She knew that she was digging her nails into his skin.
She couldn’t stop herself.
She had no control.
But West was holding her. West had her. He seemed to understand everything she said to him. He seemed to understand her. So really, there was nothing to be afraid of.
She felt something begin to unravel inside her. A tightness she had been carrying in her chest but hadn’t even been aware of. Something that had lived there for longer than she could remember.