Chapter 13
The cards are on the table.
I was certain that this would have beenthe final straw, makingher realize there was no future for the two of us as husband and wife.
But again, as always, she surprises me.
She should be mad at me. She should be unable to look me in the eye. She should be running in the other direction. But here she is, taking it better than I could ever have imagined.
I both love and hate it.
I love it because, yet again, she is showing me one of the many reasons she has my heart on a standstill. Eva”s intentions are born out of purity. When she cares about you, it is hard to ever make her stop.
But I hate it. With that kind of heart, it makes it impossible to come up with a means to keep her away.
And it is not that I don’t want her in my life.
I fucking do.
But I do not want her sacrificing what she could have for me.
She is young. She should have a clean slate. I want her to, but I am positive her father would never give her to me if he knew about Jake. Never.
“Can we go see him?” She belches softly, already reaching for her seatbelt as if that were a command, leaving me with no option but to comply.
“I don’t think that is a good idea,” I adjust uncomfortably in my seat, still clinging to her hand like an anchor, hating my show of weakness but not ashamed of it regardless.
“Why not?” She seems a little too excited. “We can pick up something for him on our way there, I just want to see your mini-you so badly,” she giggles. “Does he have your eyes?”
“My mini what?” I shoot up an eyebrow.
“Your mini-you, like a small version of you,” she shrugs. “Generational difference in vocabulary. Don’t worry, I’ve got you,” she pats the back of my hand with her free hand.
I rarely go around to Mindy and Jake’s. I try not to be around them, and it is not because I don’t love my son. It is also because of what Eva said just now.
I don’t want him to be me.
For good reasons.
I want him to have a different life, a different path. I don’t want my darkness crawling into his world and soiling it. I want him to have his innocence and have it for however long he wants, until he is ready to shed it.
“You are not talking me out of this one,” she takes back her hands and sits upright with a tight chin, which shows her not conforming.
She thinks it’s rosy. She makes everything appear like there is always a silver lining. In the darkest storm, she is always searching for a flint of sunshine or rainbow. But perhaps, if I can get show her it all, if she can face the truth of this reality… Perhaps it will make her see what I am trying to make her see.
Taking her to Jake might actually be a good idea. Let her see him and see how messy this can be for everyone involved.
I pluck out my phone from my pants and pull up Mindy’s number to shoot her a text. I am never sure why it takes her forever to always text back, but I am crossing my fingers that this time she doesn’t text back in the morning.
Me: Mindy, I would like to come over with a friend to see Jake. She is person I care about very much, otherwise I would not ask. Would that work for you? Has he had dinner? I could pick some up for him.
I hit send.
“I texted his mom to let her know about us coming…” My phone chimes in my hand and I stare at the screen to see that Mindy has replied.
Mindy: A heads up next time would be better, but it’s fine. I know you don’t take these things lightly so I’m going to trust you on your judgement. He misses you, so yes.
What is it with children loving the wrong people?
I toss my phone on the dashboard and fasten my seatbelt.
“She said yes?” Eva asks eagerly, and I nod.
I start the car and try not to crush the steering wheel with my hands as I drive us down to Mindy’s house.
I hate it.
I fucking hate it.
I want to rip something apart. That idiot kid, Paul, is to blame for all this. If he had just continued to partake in the sham without getting greedy and overstepping.
My blood simmers to my ears as I remember his hands on her.
I want to kill him.
I am going to kill him the next time I set my eyes on him.
“You should slow down, Fabio, it’s not a car race,” Eva shrieks as I swerve into the parking space of a fast food.
I may not be present in my son’s life, but I do know a few things. Like his favorite fast food, and his hobbies. I know his favorite animation and I also know that the apple never falls far from the tree.
The boy loves action-prone animation. Superhero gangster shit. That stupid Batman and his Gotham City vigilante fluke of a cartoon.
“I will pick up dinner, stay here,” I climb out, not giving her a chance to revolt.
I know what she will have. I don’t know any fucking thing about Mindy, but I will take a wild guess. I won’t be eating shit, my stomach is in knots, but I will get something for myself just to blend in.
“Took you long enough,” Eva clicks her tongue as I step back into the car.
I took a little extra time. I needed a moment to think hard, to collect my thoughts. It is happening so goddamn fucking fast.
I had this secret I was prepared to die with for the safety of everyone involved, but it is out, and now I am taking Eva to see Jake, all in one fucking night.
I start the car and drive us to Mindy’s place.
I will keep my tongue clipped before I say anything I might regret. Sometimes with her, I either don’t talk at all, or I talk too fucking much.
Like tonight. She found a crack and I am wide open now.
A few minutes later, I am pulling up into Mindy’s sloppy driveway.
It’s a decent neighborhood. For the elite. My gift to both of them when we had agreed to keep the baby. It had felt like a place to raise a family. A place different from the one I had the bad luck of being raised in.
“We are here,” I turn off the engine and point to the house in front of us.
The lights are still on. Warm whiskey gold lights glimmer through the stained windows, and there is a porch with a dining table already set, waiting for food to be added to it.
“It’s a beautiful home,” Eva says as she unclasps her seat belt. At the same time, Mindy steps out of the house holding a crystal jar of water.
Ebony hair and eyes. Looking every bit like the nurse she is in a light blue dress and white flats. I wonder how it is that she was there with me that night because it felt unlikely that I would find a woman like her in such a place.
I step out of the car, and I am met with her smile.
“Hey,” she swats her free hand on her dress and stalks to the dining set to drop the jar of water before coming down the wooden stairs to greet us.
“Mindy,” I clear my throat, “This is Eva,” I point in her direction as she walks to us.
“Welcome,” Mindy’s voice holds that softness I am praying to hell is somewhere in Jake.
For the longest of seconds, they both stand smiling at each other. “Sorry to impose on you like this, thanks for having us,” Eva says softly as well.
“It’s fine,” Mindy waves me off. “Jake doesn’t have school tomorrow, and he has not had dinner, or rather he won’t eat,” she rolls her eyes.
“Dad!” Jake hurtles down the stairs to us in pajama pants and a bright-colored T-shirt, and before I get the time to prepare and brace up for his suffocating but welcomed hug, he throws himself at me.
He is tall for his age and can wrap his legs around my waist and arms around my neck with a little leap.
“Hey,” I hold him to myself with one hand. Hopefully, he cannot hear my heart jamming against my chest or feel the tension snaking my spine.
“I will get the food,” Eva announces and fetches the packs of food out of the car with Mindy helping out.
“I miss you,” Jake mumbles into my neck. He smells like crayons and spilled ink.
“Jake, do you have ink on your hands again?” It’s most likely that I now have ink on my face and some part of my neck.
“Maybe,” he says and bursts into laughter.
Ahh, shit.
I walk with him clinging on me to the porch as Eva and Mindy set up the table. Fish tacos for Jake and myself. I loathe the food, but I don’t plan on eating, and mac and cheese for Mindy, and chips and shrimp for Eva.
“All set,” Mindy claps her hands and takes a seat.
“I want you to meet someone,” I set Jake down on a seat beside Eva as she settles down. “This is Eva, and Eva, this is Jake.”
“He has your eyes and her hair,” Eva smiles. “Hello, Jake,” she stretches out her hand for a handshake.
“You are beautiful,” Jake swoons, and thank goodness he is so young.
“And so are you,” Eva ruffles his hair. “Nice to meet you.”
“Are you my dad’s girlfriend?” Jake whispers. Well, that’s what he thinks because he is loud enough for everyone to hear.
Eva cups her mouth in mock-whisper, “I might be. Would that be a bad thing?”
“How did he get you?” Jake leans into the conversation.
“I wonder too, every single day,” Eva laughs softly but Jake’s laughter is a bursting shriek. He seems taken by her. Bright hopeful eyes staring at her like she is some divinity.
Eva and Jake continue to mumble about things, ranging from school to hobbies. Jake even dares to ask her on a date before me, and she accepts. He wants to go on a candy date, and Eva gladly said yes. They even have something in common: art. He loves to draw, and she loves to capture things.
I excuse myself to remove myself from the situation.
I feel like I am suffocating, and I want to attribute that feeling to the fact that Eva is here with Jake and they are getting along, which jeopardizes my plan. But I also know I am wrong. I always get this feeling when I am around Jake.
He makes it easy to be his father, but I still cannot shake the worry off. I never had a good father figure to look up to, and I fear I am already not worthy of being looked up to. I will never abuse him or anyone for that matter, but it goes beyond that.
I am damaged.
Jake shines a blinding light on the damaged part of me every time I watch him in his purity, laughing, drawing, and just living like he has no care in the world. I never had that life. I never knew that life. And it scares me to my bones that if I get as close to him as he wants, I will ruin that life for him.
“I need…” I clamp my lips as clean air almost slips. “I need to make a call,” I pick a lie and stand. “Eat up,” I snap my fingers at Jake, who is more interested in playing a hand game with Eva than in his food.
It appears that father and son are smitten by the same woman.
I strut down the stairs, pretending to pull my phone out of my pants pocket. I keep walking, plastering the phone to my ear as I go to the back of the car, grateful that the night air is chilly, washing away some of my tension.
I slip my cell phone back into my pocket and fold my arms across my chest to stare at the starless sky, the rows of similar buildings in sloppy yards stretching out on both ends of the street, the same whiskey-gold light glimmering in some and the same white-painted exteriors.
“Are you done with your call?” Eva’s voice breaks into the stillness of my mind, whisking me back to the surface of the chaos.
“Yes,” I stand straight, clearing my throat a little too loudly.
“Your son is beautiful, just like you, if not more,” she smiles, chewing the inside of her mouth.
“He likes you, just like his father, but I doubt more,” I say, moving my eyes to a house with shadows of a family moving about. My heart reaches out for things I never had and will never have.
“It’s a good thing I like father and son, although I do like the father more,” she closes the distance to plant herself beside me.
“You got me there,” I smile slightly, my attempt to conceal it failing. Then, “You have seen him,” I whisk the smile off. “I can understand if you don’t want to be a part of this life, and I can understand if you want to start your own family instead of jumping into one already in motion…”
“Stop it,” she says.
“Eva, look, I get it if you don’t want to marry me. I expect you to not want to marry me, and I would totally give you my blessing if you want to…” She smacks the last slew of words back into my throat.
My eyes shoot wide as the sting from her hand permeates my cheek. She grinds her teeth and clenches her fists like she is more than ready to tackle me to the ground, regardless of the difference in our sizes.
Fuck, that hurts.