Chapter Fifteen
Caroline
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“HOW DO I LOOK, LITTLE girl?”
Spinning on his heel, Harper ran his fingers through his hair. Dressed in a shirt and suit Laurent had come up with, he looked far less like Elsa’s patient and far more like the man I’d first encountered at Fortorus.
“Much more like yourself, Sir,” I answered, grabbing the tie he’d chosen from the limited options the Frenchman had presented him with. “Extremely handsome.”
“You’re just saying that.” His grin was smug as he tugged down his sleeves. The shirt wasn’t the usual custom-made variety he was used to wearing, but he had a way of making anything look good.
“I mean it.” Finding my feet, I tried not to dwell on how good his backside looked in the trousers. It was definitely not the moment for another spontaneous round of nookie.
“Well, thank you.” He flashed me an even wider smile. “And there’s good news. I’m remembering more and more about Hans and the drive down to Switzerland.”
“That’s great. It seems the doctors were right about your memory returning.” I waved the silk tie in my fingers and gestured to the covers. “Take a seat and I’ll help you with this.”
“Is that an order?” He chuckled as he came to sit down in the place I’d vacated.
“No.” My tone was teasing, “I’m just trying to help.”
“You mean, you’re trying to take your mind off all of this Ian Jackson shit.” Perching on the blankets, he turned up his collar as I straightened the silk between my hands.
“Yes, that sounds about right.” Standing between his legs, I reached the fabric behind his neck and slid it into position.
There was something absurdly sensual about helping him to dress.
After so long hardly even being permitted to touch him, I relished feeling so useful.
It was just a shame the mood was tinged by the imminent sycophantic missive he was about to record for his old friend.
“Hey.” He reached for my hand, halting my progress. “I know you’re worried, but things will be okay.”
“You keep saying that.”
I watched as his long fingers stroked over mine, trying to embed every second of his soft caresses in my memory.
In a matter of days, the message he was hellbent on recording would be sent out to the world, and Jackson might have responded.
If things went the way I feared, I’d have to accept that he was leaving and know there was nothing I could do to stop him.
In that worst case, aside from my many concerns about his safety, I’d need to have memorized every one of his touches so the recollections could keep me warm in his absence.
The ICC seemed to think the plan would play out like clockwork, but real life had taught me that things didn’t always go the way we thought they would.
“But you can’t know that, Sir. None of us knows what will happen.”
“I know that you love me.” His gaze rose to meet mine, sincerity burning in his blue eyes. “And that I love you. And with everything else going on, little girl, that’s everything. It might be all I need to know.”
“I wish you were right about that.” I sighed.
“So, you don’t love me?” His tone was sardonic.
“Yes.” Dropping one end of the silk, I swatted his shoulder playfully. “You know I do, and I appreciate the romantic sentiment, but I’m just saying there might be more to consider than that.”
If the last year had shown me anything, it was that I really couldn’t take much for granted.
Much though it pained me to realize it, that included Harper and his love.
I desperately wanted us to be together, but there seemed to be a never-ending list of obstacles to be overcome before that could be a genuine reality.
“Right now, you don’t even have the medical all-clear to record the message, let alone to leave, Sir.”
We were still waiting for the austere doctor’s say-so, and even though her rejection might have, ultimately, seen Harper thrown into jail, I couldn’t help but secretly hope she refused him.
At least if he’s in prison, he’s alive.
That contradicted hope was an illustration of how conflicted my feelings had become.
I loved him and I wanted to keep him safe, even if that meant his incarceration.
Yet, at the same time, I accepted that real love needed to be free to thrive.
I couldn’t keep him by trying to control him.
He’d liberated me, and he merited the same.
“The doctor will see sense.” His tone was predictably calm.
“And if she does.” I wanted to lean down and kiss him while I still had the chance, but I longed to make the most of those fleeting moments of privacy. Soon, Kaspar and the others would return with news, and news would mean commitments and, eventually, the potential for loss.
My loss, his loss. Our loss.
“I can’t bear to think about what that mad sod might do to you once you’re out there on the channel.”
“I will be okay.”
He slowed his words, enunciating them as though I were a panicked child.
I might have resented the inference more had the more leisurely pace not somehow succeeded in lulling me, at least a little.
I sensed my heart slow as his fingers gripped mine, and even though there was little logic, I was reassured.
“You can’t know that.” I made the same appeal again, perturbed by how little conviction there was in my voice the second time around.
Even then, at that most precarious moment, Harper had such enormous influence over me.
Not because he was in charge of my destiny anymore—if anything, our fates had reversed in the last few days—but because of how much I bloody loved him.
Falling for him had made me vulnerable in a new way.
It was no longer my mortality on the line, but something even more precious; my heart.
“Neither of us knows what Jackson will do.”
“I’ve been dealing with that little prick my whole life, sweetheart.
” He tugged my fingers toward his mouth and skimmed a hot kiss over my knuckles.
My eyelids flickered closed at the heat of his breath, wishing I could feel it between my legs instead of over my fingers.
“I know how to placate him and when to put him back in his box.”
“I’d like to see him in a box,” I grumbled.
“I understand.” Laughing softly, he yanked me closer, wrapping his arms around me and stroking my lower back. “But will you take seeing him confined to a prison somewhere instead? The ICC doesn’t condone the death penalty.”
“I suppose so.” Succumbing to his temptation, I took his face in my hands and brushed my palms over his soft stubble. “I just love you so much. It seems like we’re putting everything on the line to bring this fucker down.”
“It’ll be worth it.” He turned and kissed the palm of one of my hands. “And I’ll finally be doing something noble in the process.”
“Saving me was noble.” My voice was husky as, climbing onto his lap, I straddled his thighs. The edge of his hospital bed should have been an inappropriate place to have mounted him, but after our romp in the shower, I was unconcerned.
“Yes.” He stared up at me and smiled. “And I’m partly doing this for you, too, little girl.”
“How so?”
God, he was attractive. Even then, after almost dying only a couple of days before and knowing the onerous task that potentially lay ahead, he was easily the most gorgeous guy I’d ever laid eyes on.
It was such a headfuck to know the only reason we were together was because of that hellhole, Fortorus. In a dark and deeply flawed way, Jackson was the reason we’d found one another.
“I thought you were doing this for the ICC?” I queried. “For all those other women, and in the end, for your freedom.”
“Bringing Ian in is for every shitty deed he ever executed, Caroline. For every twisted idea, for every derogatory order, and for every evil outcome, but it’s also about me, about my compliance in the awful things he’s created.
” He paused, his expression serious. “Maybe I need to pay for what I’ve done, too. ”
“Pay?” My voice suddenly sounded tiny. “You’re doing this to try and avoid paying with jail time, Sir.”
“There are other ways to pay.” His voice was quieter, too. “Ian won’t let me wander back into his life without some sort of consequences, and maybe I deserve them. It’s time to pay the piper.”
His brow rose as though he was waiting for me to counter the point, but staring at him, I found I couldn’t.
He was responsible, at least in part, for what was happening in Britain, but the idea of something terrible happening to him was terrifying.
“The commander general will finally be held to account. This will be justice for you, too, little girl.”
I hesitated, imagining the man I loved being humbled so that the man who’d tried to rule over Britain could finally be brought to heel. The mental imagery was perturbing and yet darkly satisfying in equal measure. “I hadn’t thought about it that way, Sir.”
One of my hands slid to his nape as his palm lowered to squeeze my ass and, unthinkingly, I surrendered to my will and planted a slow and sensual kiss on his lips. He groaned at the gesture, his grip on me tightening as he lowered us both slowly back on to the bed covers.
“Once this is done, after it’s done, we can finally start to move on.” Gazing up at me, his lips twitched into a smile. “I can’t wait for a future with you, instead of only having a past.”
“How about the present?” Rolling my hips down against his growing excitement, I was rewarded with a sharp swat to my upturned ass.
“Mmmm.” He buried his fingers in my hair, controlling me as I stole kisses. “The present seems almost perfect.”