Chapter 20
Chapter Twenty
The sound of crying interrupted my dreams. For a moment I thought Vane had returned, but I was alone in the bed and had been since the birth of my son.
Geoffrey screamed in anger, his little body tangled in the blanket in the makeshift cot Jack had placed beside the bed.
I lifted him out and held him close, then I opened my nightshift.
He instinctively turned his head to my breast and reached out with his little hand, stroking it as he took his nourishment.
As the milk flowed from my body into his, I understood, at last, the true meaning of love, but I didn’t fear it.
I understood why Maman was willing to suffer pain, even death.
Here, in my arms, lay someone I loved unconditionally and valued over my own life.
I wanted to get up, to smell fresh air and feel the sun on my skin, but the midwife had warned me of a virulent sickness in the village which had struck down a number of babies and children. Fear for Geoffrey’s safety kept me inside.
Lily avoided me, making no effort to disguise her hostility.
Jack visited me in my room but despite my daily pleas for Vane he could not tell me where his brother was, or even if he would return.
I was grateful for Edwina’s company. The midwife’s caring nature and gentle hands were so like my beloved Harwyn’s and under her care I recovered quickly.
While tending to my sore body she sang to Geoffrey, the same lullabies Maman had sung to me.
When Edwina left the room, two days after Geoffrey’s birth, Jack brought in a tray of bread and porridge.
“How is my nephew today?”
I smiled. “He is beautiful.”
“’Tis good to see you smile thus. Your love is obvious. I cannot understand your reluctance to show it.”
“Jack, please…”
“Are you so afraid to love, Lisetta? “ he said. “Do you fear that it will destroy you or, perhaps, that you’ll be rejected?”
“I have already been rejected.”
He set the tray down and sat beside the bed, stroking Geoffrey’s head.
“I’m sorry you and Lily never had children of your own,” I said. “Lily would have been a wonderful mother.”
“As will you be, dear sister.”
I didn’t reply, and he turned his blue gaze on me.
“You have not been rejected, Lisetta.”
“Then where is he?”
Jack leaned forward and kissed me on the forehead.
“He will return to you. Have faith.”
His voice was filled with uncertainty. He was trying to convince himself as much as me.
Almost a sennight later, Vane had still not returned, and I lost hope that he ever would, or at least that he would return for me. Jack’s kindness was a comfort but Lily made it increasingly plain she did not want me in her home.
It was time to leave.
My earlier plan for flight from Mortlock Fort pushed into my mind.
The convent near Shoreton, was somewhere I could take sanctuary, with Geoffrey—a haven where I could live a life of peace, surrounded by a community whose purpose in life was contemplation, reflection, and healing.
There I could lead a simple life, away from treachery, murder, and unrequited love.
I still had my rings—trinkets to pay for my passage.
And though winter had taken its grip on the land and any journey would be difficult, I could, perhaps, find someone to help me.
Eventually I asked Edwina. The sickness in the village was spreading and many children had succumbed to it.
My pleas for Geoffrey’s safety, together with Lily’s obvious wish to be rid of me, finally persuaded her.
Though uncomfortable with the deception, she agreed to sell one of my rings in the village.
An honest and trustworthy woman, she got a good price—from a nobleman staying at the inn, she said—and she used some of it to secure my passage to a market town several days’ ride away.
She tipped the remainder of the money into my hand.
I gave her some, ignoring her protests, insisting that there were few people in the world worthy of trust, and they had to be rewarded.
In the dark of the night, while Jack and Lilt slept, Edwina led me out of the house to the tavern where a young man waited for me with a horse and cart. I had a basket over my arm with a loaf of bread and a change of clothes. Geoffrey, wrapped in a blanket in my other arm, was asleep.
“Tom here will take you to the tavern at Midford,” Edwina said. “He’ll make inquiries there for someone to take you further.”
“Can he be trusted?”
She nodded. “I brought him into the world, my lady. I would trust him with my life.”
“May God be with you, Edwina,” I said. “I shall never forget your kindness.”
She embraced me. “And also with you. Take care of the little one.”
“I will,” I replied, choking back tears. “He is all I have.”
Tom helped me onto the seat next to him and dropped my basket into the cart before covering my legs with a blanket.
“Mind you look after the lady, Tom,” Edwina warned, “or you’ll answer to me.”
Tom laughed good-naturedly. “You’ve already threatened to relieve me of my manly parts should any harm come to her in my care, Mistress Edwina. I value them too much.”
He turned his gaze on me. “My lady, you have nothing to fear from me.”
His voice was kind, and I nodded before addressing Edwina.
“Tell Jack and Lily I’m sorry for the trouble I caused them, and that I wish them well.”
Edwina nodded to Tom and we set off. I took one last look at the house where I had spent the last three months; where I had caught a glimpse of the life I dreamed of.
Then I turned away, unable to look any longer upon the place where I’d finally realized my heart belonged, only to discover the man I had given it to thought less than nothing of me.
I would always love Vane, no matter what. He had given me the greatest gift of all—Geoffrey. I held my son close, feeling a small ray of hope. I might never have the life of my dreams, but I would find contentment in the convent and fulfillment in the love of my son.
Tom whistled a merry tune, and I couldn’t help smiling. His youthful joy for life was infectious.
As we reached the edge of the village I spotted a man on horseback at the edge of the road.
“Tom—stop!” I cried. My hands shook. He had returned!
“Vane!”
The man turned his horse to face us, and I realized my mistake. He was too short to be my husband and less muscular in build. I sank back against Tom, defeated.
We continued on our path, the stranger watching us. Before we rounded a corner, I took a last look back and shivered with fear as he raised his hand in salute.
Though my knife was tucked into my gown, I would not feel safe until there were several miles between us and the man who had watched us leave so intently.
The journey to Midford took nine days. I had little money and wished to avoid being noticed so we slept rough each night and avoided the main roads.
But it was no hardship; the cart provided shelter from the rain and Tom proved an adept hunter.
We worked well together. Tom set up camp and hunted rabbit while I nursed Geoffrey.
In turn I prepared the meals and packed our belongings each morning.
What would Vane think of me if he could see me? I truly was a peasant now, but for the first time in my life I felt free, and I took some pride in my skills, few though they were. At last, I had no need to pretend to be anything other than what I was.
Tom was good company. He had offered for a girl in Balsdean village but her father had refused consent until he proved his ability to keep her.
With the money he would earn from accompanying me, he could marry her on his return.
He was touchingly devoted to her, and I resolved that once I’d paid for our food and lodging at Midford as well as my passage on to the convent, I would give him the rest of my money.
He was so like Percy in his youthful innocence.
I had not been able to do anything for poor Percy, but I could do something for Tom.
We arrived at Midford early evening. Tom drove the cart to the inn before helping me down, my legs stiff from the journey. Geoffrey slept on, and I held him close, taking Tom’s hand as he led me inside the building.
My eyes grew accustomed to the dark, the blurred forms morphing into the shapes of tables and chairs, casting shadows from the light of a fire at the back of the room.
At one table a small group of men murmured to each other, turning their heads briefly to look at us before resuming their conversation.
“Hello there!”
At Tom’s call, a door swung open at the back of the room, and a man shuffled out.
“What ye be wanting?” he said, his words almost indiscernible through his thick, rough accent.
“Are you the innkeeper?” Tom asked.
“Aye—who be asking?”
“My name is Tom.” Tom nodded in my direction.
“My sister and I have travelled far and seek board and lodging for one night, maybe more.”
“Two rooms?”
“Just one. We have very little money.”
The man hawked and spat on the floor.
“Ye’re in luck, boy, we have one room remaining. The village is busy for ’tis market today tomorrow.”
Market day. With traders visiting the town we had a good chance of finding someone willing to take me on the rest of my journey.
But the danger of discovery still lurked in the shadows.
We’d have to be careful not to draw attention to ourselves and I had no idea whether someone was still looking for me.
Tom pulled out the bag of coins I’d given him. He tipped some into the innkeeper’s outstretched hand, increasing the pile one by one until, at last, the man nodded.
“I’ll send Gwenna to show you to your room.”
“Have her bring our meal,” I said. “We will dine in our room.”
The innkeeper thrust his face toward me, sour anger in his eyes, before addressing Tom.
“Your woman speaks for you?” he leered. “You should control her better. If she were mine, I’d give her a beating for speaking thus, uninvited.”