Chapter 19
Peter stood at the window in his chamber, gazing out at the sprawling estate as it was bathed in the soft morning light.
The day was clear and crisp, but the beauty of the landscape did little to quell the storm brewing within him. Yesterday morning had been turbulent, fraught with a flood of emotions and an unsettling realization.
Lavinia’s confession had shaken him to his core, leaving him in a state of turmoil. The memory of the hurt in her eyes made his heart ache with an unquenchable longing.
Her confession had stirred something deep inside him. He wanted to tell her that he felt the same way—that he loved her too, but he could not conjure the words. They represented emotions he was simply incapable of feeling, so it was useless to pretend otherwise.
The idea of leaving without expressing his feelings was unbearable, yet he could not muster the courage to find the right words. The fear of complicating matters, of pushing her away, held him back.
In the end, he had decided that it was best to leave early, to escape the emotional entanglement that seemed inevitable if he stayed, but his mother had other plans.
Just before Lavinia had declared her love for him, his mother had expressed a wish to remain at Crawford Hall for at least another day.
Perhaps a few days. Peter wanted to deny her, but it was clear the Dowager Duchess was not making a request. She wanted to stay with her friends, and she expected him to do the right thing and remain as well.
Peter turned away from the window when he heard a knock on the door. Madeline entered the room with a frown on her face. Her eyes were filled with a mix of concern and irritation.
“Peter, what on earth are you doing?” she exclaimed, her voice sharp with frustration. “Why are you sulking in your room? There’s still so much to enjoy here!”
Peter sighed, trying to maintain his composure despite the whirlwind of emotions inside him.
“I must return to town as soon as possible. The estate needs someone to look after it, and there are matters that require my attention. I have to leave, so it is futile to run around the gardens and pretend that my duties are not waiting to be fulfilled.”
Madeline crossed her arms, her expression one of disbelief. “But why? You’re not even going to mingle with the others and have a laugh?”
“I am suddenly feeling far less cheerful than I did earlier in the week,” Peter said, his tone growing weary. “The estate in London needs me. I have obligations that I cannot ignore.”
Madeline’s eyes softened slightly, though her frustration remained. “If there’s something wrong, if it’s about Lavinia, you should talk to me. You’re my brother, and I’m here for you.”
Peter felt a pang of guilt. He wanted to confide in her, to share the burden of his feelings, but he knew it was not something Madeline could understand. She was too young and too innocent to grasp the full complexity of the situation.
“It’s not just about me,” he said, trying to keep his voice steady. “It’s about what’s best for everyone involved.”
Madeline eyed him narrowly. “If it’s about Lavinia, you should at least talk to her before you leave. Sulking in your room will only make things worse.”
Peter’s heart sank at the mention of Lavinia. He knew he had already broken her heart, so what else was there to say?
“It’s not that simple,” he protested, struggling to find the right words. “There are things that I need to handle, and leaving now is the best course of action.” He gave Madeline an imploring look. “Surely, you can speak to Mama. You can tell her how important it is that we leave and—”
“No.” Madeline’s frustration was profound, but she seemed to realize that further argument was futile.
“I will not ask Mama to give up one moment of her happiness, and you should not ask that of her either.” She glared at him.
“Perhaps if you weren’t so determined to live a life of solitude, you would see that stepping out of this room and talking to Lavinia is the only way you can move forward. ”
With a heavy sigh, she turned and exited the room, leaving him with his thoughts once more.
His mind raced.
She’s wrong. Madeline does not know. She cannot understand.
His gaze drifted around the room.
Well, she’s not entirely wrong. I should not force Mama to leave, but she cannot keep me here either.
He hurried around the room, hastily packing his belongings. The urgency of his departure only compounded the turmoil inside him. He wanted to see Lavinia one last time, to find a way to convey his feelings, but he was unsure of how to approach her or what to say.
As he made his way towards the door, hoping to catch her before he left, he was halted by the entrance of his mother. Her presence was a welcome distraction, though it did little to alleviate his inner turmoil.
“Peter, I hear you’re leaving early,” she said, her voice gentle and filled with concern. “I thought I asked you to stay for a few more days.” Her eyes narrowed as she looked up and down his wrinkled clothes. “Is everything all right?”
Peter turned to face her, forcing a polite smile that did not reach his eyes. “Yes, Mother. There are pressing matters at the estate that require my attention.”
His mother approached him, her gaze probing but sympathetic. “You know, if something is troubling you, you can always talk to me. I am here to listen. I am your mother, after all.”
Peter’s heart ached at her words. He wanted to confide in her, to share the weight of his feelings, but he could not bring himself to do it. The situation was too complex, and he feared the consequences of exposing Lavinia’s emotions and his own.
“I appreciate that, Mother,” he said, “but this is something I need to handle on my own.”
His mother’s eyes softened with understanding, though her concern remained.
“Remember, you don’t have to face everything alone. If you need to talk, I’m here for you.”
Peter nodded, offering a grateful smile. “Thank you, Mother. I’ll keep that in mind.”
She gave him a reassuring smile before turning to leave.
Peter watched her go, feeling a pang of regret for not being able to share the full truth with her. He hurried down the hall, the sense of finality growing stronger with each passing moment.
As he descended to the courtyard, the atmosphere was one of subdued activity. Lord and Lady Crawford, as well as Lavinia and Charles, were gathered to see him off, their politeness a stark contrast to the storm of emotions inside him.
How did they even know I was leaving?
His eyes scanned the gathering, and he spotted Madeline standing behind Charles and Lavinia. She had both arms crossed over her chest, and her mouth was twisted into an expression that was not quite a scowl but not entirely a pout either.
She must have warned them that I was getting ready to go.
“Thank you for attending the house party,” Lady Crawford said, her tone warm. “We hope you enjoyed your stay.”
Peter offered a courteous smile, though it felt hollow. “It was a lovely event. Thank you for your hospitality.”
Lord Crawford extended his hand for a shake. “Safe travels, Your Grace. We appreciate your visit.”
Charles stepped forward with a friendly grin. He clapped Peter on the back. “Good luck with everything, Your Grace. I hope to see you again soon.”
Peter offered him a smile. “Thank you, Mr. Fitzroy. I wish you all the best.”
Next came his mother and Madeline. His mother had joined the group, and her eyes held a trace of sadness as she bid him farewell. “We’ll see you again soon?”
Peter nodded. “I shall try to be a more dedicated son.”
Madeline gave him a warm hug. “Don’t be a stranger, Peter. We’ll miss you.”
Peter promised he would return to Arlington soon, though the words felt empty.
As the final farewells were exchanged, Peter felt a deep sense of loss. He had hoped for a final, meaningful exchange with Lavinia before his departure, perhaps a proper goodbye to someone special… to a friend. Yet, she maintained a deliberate distance from him, her demeanor one of cool detachment.
With a heavy heart, he bid farewell to everyone once more and climbed into his carriage.
As the carriage wound its way down the twisting road, Peter’s mind was consumed with thoughts of Lavinia and the heartache of separation. The distance between them was both physical and emotional, a painful reminder of the unresolved feelings that lingered.
He was acutely aware of Lavinia’s presence, her choice to curtsy rather than say something adding to the weight of his departure. It was as if her refusal to speak to him had widened the chasm between them.
He tried to push away the tumult of emotions, focusing instead on the view outside the carriage window.
The landscape blurred into a tapestry of greens and browns, the scenery offering little solace.
He knew that he had to accept the reality of his departure, to face the journey ahead with the burden of unspoken words and unfulfilled desires still heavy on his heart.
The journey would be long and filled with echoes of what might have been. With each passing mile, Peter was reminded of the missed opportunity to say goodbye properly, to confront the feelings that had come to define his stay at Crawford Hall.
Despite the physical distance between them, the emotional distance remained, a painful reminder of the love he had left unspoken and the lonely future that now lay ahead.
He understood then that the old adage was true. He did not truly understand the value of something until he had lost it completely.