Chapter 29
TWENTY-NINE
AUGUST
I’ve been through some hellish times in my life. But nothing has felt more tortuous than the last week, not knowing what the hell is happening to Lennon in that house with my brother.
I’ve tried to respect her wishes.
It’s the only reason I haven’t broken down that front door.
But I have not been making exactly… sane decisions either.
Case in point: me sitting here in the rental house beside hers and Jake’s, barely having slept, with binoculars pointed at what I think is her room.
Jake leaves the house every morning, but on Tuesday, I saw a light flick on, then quickly off in the small upper window that I assume is a bathroom window. After he left. My half-mad brain thought she was sending a signal before I remembered, wait… she has no idea you’re here.
Because I’m a creepy stalker who’s rented the house next door to watch her without her knowing it.
Look, I would have told her I was here if I could have.
I just freaked out as soon as the car drove off with her at the thought of her going back to live with my brother.
He made everyone think I was the crazy one our whole lives. And it’s infuriating because, well, I am a little crazy. I’ve learned to embrace and reclaim the label, but only because I know it’s nothing like what my brother and mother meant when they said the word all those years.
I’m not a lunatic.
I’m a well-medicated, well-regulated human being with a mood disorder that I am conscientiously taking care of. And I have two people in my life to fight for. That’s my stability for now.
Yes, I took a week off work, and I might need more, but I called Mack so he could get the receptionist to reschedule my appointments. As for Owen… my chest clenches.
Priscilla temporarily rescinded visitation rights because of what Jake did. I’m giving her time to cool off, so she doesn’t take it to court. I know that’s what Jake expects her to do, and what maybe her father and Trent are pressuring her to do on her end, too.
I can’t control that.
I can only stay cool and not freak out on her about it.
I sent her a single text telling her I love Owen more than my life, and my brother attacked me, not the other way around.
I told her I’ll wait for her to tell me what she wants to do. She knows my family can be different than they appear, because we both met in that hellhole where our families sent us.
In the meantime, Owen is safe.
Lennon is not.
So when I searched for short-term rentals near her and Jake’s house and found one right next door, I took it as a divine message… Look, I did say I was a little crazy.
“So you’re in the rental property across from her house right at this moment?” Dr. Delaney says on the computer screen.
The binoculars are on the table beside me, but my eyes are still locked on the closed curtain. “Yes,” I say distractedly.
“August,” Dr. Delaney says, and I see his fingers are steepled when I glance back at the screen. “I can’t say I’m unconcerned. You were hospitalized four days ago and now your behavior could be interpreted as stalking your ex-girlfriend… who also happens to be your brother’s wife.”
I shrug, eyes moving back to the window. “Yeah. But he’s an evil bastard. She’s not safe with him.”
Dr. Delaney is quiet for a long moment, long enough that I look back at him. “Are there any other possibilities that might explain the current events?”
I sigh impatiently. “You want me to double-check my first assumptions. Look, I know I sound super fucking paranoid when it comes to my brother. I know these sound like paranoid delusions.”
But then I look Dr. Delaney in the eye. “But what if he just is an evil motherfucker and Lennon is in danger? What then?”
“Then I suggest you get the authorities involved.”
“And say what?” I shove the rolling chair back from the desk, frustrated. “Hell, not even you believe me, doc. You think they’re gonna?”
“I didn’t say that,” he says calmly. “I just want us to consider all possibilities. We’ve worked hard on radical acceptance that your mind doesn’t always work the way neurotypical brains do.
That’s okay. And it’s very possible that in the family system you grew up in, your brother may have developed a disorder that might be located in the DSM-5, too.
From the way you’ve described your mother… ”
He trails off, frowning. “I can’t speculate about a person I’ve never met, but I’ll just say it’s certainly possible considering your family history.
Frankly, August, it’s a miracle that you’ve come out as healthy as you have.
I hope you recognize how far you’ve come and are proud of the strides you’ve made. ”
Now I look at him like he’s crazy. “Even though you think I’m in the middle of a psychotic break?”
He smiles a little sardonically. “That’s putting words in my mouth.
I think you’re probably in the middle of some very dysregulating events with your family.
I can’t know what is really happening, and that’s not actually my concern.
My concern is you. Have you been sleeping?
Continuing with your exercise routine and sticking to your regulation methods? ”
I drag a hand down my face, one eye still on the window of the house next door. “I’m sleeping maybe four hours at night altogether. I’m not at home, so no swimming for the moment. I’m just doing a couple hundred pushups each night.” I pause, another long sigh. “And I really fucking miss Owen.”
“Have you had any more contact with Priscilla?”
“I figure I’ll give her another couple days, then try calling.
I’m trying to show I’m different than the old days when I’d call and text manically if there was a problem.
I don’t want to force a confrontation before she’s ready.
I know it’s why Jake and Mom staged that shit at her house, to fuck up my custody arrangement. So I’m trying to stay cool-headed.”
Another silence. “But you’re also staying at a rental next door to your brother. If he gets a restraining order against you, that won’t help in a custody hearing, either.”
My eyes drop to the floor.
He’s right.
I know he’s right.
I drag both hands down my face this time. Shit. I’ve got to get some sleep one of these nights. I’m afraid the next crash down will come right when Lennon needs me. But then my body stays on high alert, and it’s keeping me manic. A body can only go on this sleep-deprived for so long, though.
Then I shake my head and look back at the screen. “Lennon’s in danger. I know it. I can’t leave here knowing that.”
Dr. Delaney tries to disguise his sigh but doesn’t do a very good job of it.
And that’s when a little notification pops at the bottom of my screen. Oh my god. LennonGallagher accepted my invitation to the Minecraft Realm.
“Great session, Doc,” I say, even though we’re only twenty-five minutes into a fifty-minute-long meeting, “gotta go!”
“August—” he starts, but I’ve already shut the window before I hear any more and am opening up Minecraft.
As soon as it loads, I send an in-game private chat:
[EIGHTHMONTH: u ok?]
[LENNON: omg its so good to see u]
[EIGHTHMONTH: U OK?]
[LENNON: … yes. Tired. SO sorry no contact before – bad migraines]
Alarm tenses my muscles. Lennon talked about having migraines, but also, she never had any when we were together. And now all the sudden they come back as soon as she gets back in that house?
[EIGHTHMONTH: do u think there’s something toxic in the house? Have u checked for carbon monoxide?]
[LENNON: had them long before this house. Think it might be stress.
[EIGHTHMONTH: leave. We’ll find another way. Trust me.]
[LENNON: I do. And I won’t risk your relationship with your son. ]
I slam the table with my hand, furious she’s putting herself in a position to make herself sick.
Another ping has my head going back to the screen.
[LENNON: they always pass. They will this time, too. We stay on mission.
I stare desolately at the screen.
[EIGHTHMONTH: What mission? Letting him control us forever?]
[LENNON: the statute of limitations on aggravated assault is 5 years.]
I sit back, heaving out a huge breath. So that’s it. This was the bastard’s plan all along when he invited me over to the mother of my child’s house. To set me up so he could blackmail his wife with leverage over me—
I feel sick to my stomach. Like I want to wretch my entire guts out.
To have weaponized my son against me, and then me against her like that—
[EIGHTHMONTH: Look out your window]
[LENNON: why? What did you do. Don’t tell me you did something nuts. We have to be careful!]
[EIGHTHMONTH: just do it]
I hurry to the window, eyes searching all the windows of hers that face mine. All the houses on this block have the exact same layout, but in reverse, so I’m really hoping—
A curtain pulls back on the exact window I suspected was hers. She blinks against the light and lifts a hand to cover her eyes.
I slam the sign I prepared for the occasion to the window.
It reads:
[MISS YOU.]
The curtain yanks back and then she’s standing there, in pajamas, mouth dropped open, fifty feet away separated by just a chain-link fence.
And then the curtain swings back shut and another ping sounds at the computer.
[LENNON: oh my god. You’re right there]
[EIGHTHMONTH: I’m right here]
[LENNON: I want to run over there and jump in your arms. I’m crying I miss you so bad]
[EIGHTHMONTH: do it. We’ll get the hell out of here and figure everything out later.]
[EIGHTHMONTH: go for a walk. We’ll meet around the corner]
Long silence, then,That’s so fucked up.
LENNON: I think he’s set up cameras. He’ll catch me if I leave. He’ll know why.]
[EIGHTHMONTH: you’ve got to get away from him. I have a bad feeling]
Silence.
[EIGHTHMONTH: Lennon?]
[LENNON:
[LENNON: I don’t know what to do]
[EIGHTHMONTH: run away with me]
[LENNON: u know we can’t]
[EIGHTHMONTH: he’s blackmailing you. It’s wrong. He’s a monster. It’s not safe]
[LENNON: we have to make smart decisions. August… Your son.]
I slam the desk again. Then pick up my phone and call Priscilla. It goes straight to voicemail. Which makes me want to scream.
Instead, I take a semi-steading breath and say, “Call me back. Owen is my son, too. You know what my family is like, Scilla. It’s not fair to keep Owen away from me when I’ve done nothing but show up for him as stable for years.
I didn’t do anything wrong—” I cut myself off when I hear myself getting too heated and squeeze my eyes shut. “Just call me. Please.”
I stare at the phone after I’ve hung up, holding it with a white-knuckled grip, hating that Jake’s fucking plan is working.
I don’t know if Priscilla will read the frustration in my voice and decide I’m not stable.
And what’s even more infuriating is knowing it’s my own actions in the past that have created that doubt.
Yes, that was before I’d sought treatment for my condition—before I even knew I had a condition and was just convinced I was a piece of dogshit who would only ever fuck everyone’s lives up—
And now you’re not?
Damn it, now I wish I hadn’t shut down the session with Dr. Delaney early. I sit back down in the desk chair.
[EIGHTHMONTH: u still there?]
[LENNON: where else would I be?]
[EIGHTHMONTH: I’m so sorry]
A sob chokes it’s way up my throat.
[LENNON: u didn’t do anything wrong. None of this is your fault]
That bends me in half, chest on my knees. She has no idea what a lifeline that is, hearing that from her right now. Even as she’s essentially locked in a prison of my brother’s making. I have to get her out.
I have to.
[EIGHTHMONTH: I’ll find a way to get you out of there.]
[LENNON: don’t. Just live your life. That’s what would make me happy]
[EIGHTHMONTH: don’t u know me at all? I’ll never be happy with you locked in there]
[LENNON: …its only 5 years…]
Her even thinking about accepting those terms lights me up with fury.
[EIGHTHMONTH: no. we’ll find a way. We just can’t see it now. But I swear to you. We’ll find a way. I’m right here. I’m so close.]
[LENNON: I should tell u to leave. But right now… it makes it better.]
[LENNON: I’m so sorry for everything]
[LENNON: but I can’t be sorry I met you]
[LENNON: Gotta go. Heard keys in door]
A little notification flashes that Lennon has signed off and I lean back, tears still wet on my cheeks. I hurry to the front of the rented house and peek out the kitchen window.
Fuckface’s car is indeed parked out front of Lennon’s house.
Pure hatred chokes me.
I drop down where I stand and start doing pushups, to put the fury somewhere so I don’t cross the lawn between us, rip open that front door, and choke my brother out.