Chapter 19
NINETEEN
Darcy expected this Christmas would forever be one of his favourites, and it was entirely due to Elizabeth.
If I am extremely fortunate, in future, we shall celebrate it as husband and wife, eventually with our children.
As glad as he was to speak to his relations, having several engaging conversations with various people throughout the day, he was always aware of what she was doing—including the many times she had glanced in his direction while speaking to Rebecca.
At present, she stood near the window where a tray of drinks sat on a shiny mahogany table.
Since she held a glass of punch, he assumed that had been her purpose in being there.
Why she was watching him, however, he was unsure, and because she was on her own, it was the perfect opportunity for a private conversation.
Joining her, he took a glass of wine, asked if she was enjoying the day, and after she said she was, remarked, “I noticed you observing me rather intently just now. I hope I have not done anything to displease you.”
She smiled, and he believed she meant to convey reassurance and a little something more—friendliness, most likely. “Not at all. I have been thinking of Hertfordshire and the Bennets, and it struck me how different you are here. Your behaviour, I mean. I was trying to account for it.”
An uncomfortable, prickly sensation crept up his spine.
“I am aware of it,” he admitted. “I have never been easy with strangers, and reflecting on the autumn, I know I was uncommonly ill-tempered. I cannot tell you how much I regret it. I assure you, the man you see before you is the true Fitzwilliam Darcy.”
“Your family values you,” she said. “They all speak of you very highly.”
“They are generous.”
The corners of her mouth were upturned, and her eyes sparkled in the light of the nearby candles. “As I have witnessed myself, in the welcome they have extended to me, despite not even knowing of my existence a fortnight or so ago.”
“It is no less than you deserve.” Unconsciously, his voice had become lower and softer. “When we met in London, you said I did not find you acceptable company when I believed you were Elizabeth Bennet. That is not true, not entirely, although part of it is, to my regret and shame.”
She watched him, evidently waiting for him to continue speaking, and he did.
“Without wishing to make excuses, I was raised to believe myself better than most others, to be overly proud of my heritage and position in life. My parents were excellent people, but they were flawed, as we all are, and did not teach me how to restrain this tendency, to temper it properly with humility and generosity of spirit. But I am a man of seven-and-twenty, one who has had an excellent education and been in the world, and I ought to have learnt the lesson myself, even though they overlooked it. I believe the disgusting tendency has worsened since my father’s death. ”
She spoke before he could go on, briefly touching his arm with just the tips of her fingers. “You are too hard on yourself, sir. Indeed, I believe I might have judged you too harshly when we first met.”
“But I gave you every reason to, did I not?” he interjected, taking a quick look about them to ensure they were not about to be interrupted. It was past time they settled the disagreeable beginnings of their relationship. “I was far from amiable to you or anyone else when we were in Hertfordshire.”
“And you did insult me,” she added. She did not sound distressed, but nothing in her demeanour suggested she was joking.
When he admitted he was unsure what she meant, she explained, “At the assembly in October, when you refused Mr Bingley’s offer to have Jane introduce us so that you could ask me to dance. ”
Darcy lowered his chin and pressed his eyes closed.
“I had forgot that.” Lifting his gaze to hers, he prayed she saw the sincere regret in his eyes.
“Nothing I say will be enough to excuse me. I was in an exceedingly foul mood, because I had attempted to demur and remain at Netherfield that night, knowing I would be ill at ease at a country assembly where I knew no one, but Bingley and Miss Bingley insisted I go with them. As their guest, I did not feel I could refuse.” Before continuing, he regarded her for a long moment.
“As I saw more of you in the following days—especially when you were at Netherfield during Miss Bennet’s illness—I know I was standoffish.
It was not because I did not like you. It was because I knew there was a danger of liking you too well. ”
Her cheeks immediately turned red, and she swallowed heavily and lowered her eyes. “Mr Darcy, I…I hardly know what to say,” she said, sounding breathless.
“I do not expect you to say anything at all. But I wanted you to understand, to correct any misunderstandings brought about by my behaviour. You are not suddenly more acceptable just because you are my aunt’s niece. Oh, I suppose there are some people who would say it makes all the difference.”
“Such as Miss Bingley,” she said, once again looking at him.
He nodded and hurried to continue, afraid their moment alone would soon be at an end.
“From my perspective, it has given me a chance to correct the mistakes I made, to reflect on those ugly tendencies to judge people meanly I mentioned earlier, to become a better man, one worthy of your friendship.” And love, he silently added.
His heart raced as she studied him, hoping yet fearing she would understand the depth of his affection for her.
He wanted her to know what she was to him, but he worried it might be too soon and would lead to her hardening her heart against him.
But after a moment, she smiled shyly—which was unusual for her—and took a sip of her drink. Her gaze turned to the countess, who called to them to join the others in playing a game.
Elizabeth remained busy over the next few days, and she relished the activity and newness of her situation.
While out with Rebecca and her mother one morning, she encountered Miss Bingley again, this time accompanied by Mrs Hurst. Both ladies acted as though the three of them were dear friends, assuring her they would call soon and had been talking about inviting her to this or that entertainment.
Their insistence in the face of her disinterest puzzled Elizabeth, but later, discussing it with her companions, Mrs Darcy suggested that Miss Bingley and Mrs Hurst were attempting to impress the people about them.
“You must realise your story has created quite a stir in our circle,” the lady said. “Next spring, during the Season when more families are in town, you will find yourself overwhelmed by people hoping to attach themselves to you.”
Next spring. Was it taken as a certainty that Elizabeth would remain with Lord and Lady Romsley for that long?
Did they imagine she would never return to Longbourn or would visit briefly and make her home with them until she married?
Elizabeth expected she would increasingly feel pulled in several directions, between her mother’s and father’s families.
I shall not fret about it now! It was more important to her to get to know her new relations, including those at Hillsdale.
Mr Darcy and the conversation they had had at Christmas were often in her thoughts, whether she was at home with her family, out and surrounded by other people, or lying in bed, unable to sleep.
She could recall every moment, every delicious sensation his words and the look in his eyes created in her—including an odd sort of intense fluttering that left her feeling she would either float to the ceiling or crumple to the ground in a heap.
She was glad they had cleared the air between them, which would allow them to set aside the misunderstandings and animosity of their earlier relationship.
What had astonished her almost—if not actually—into speechlessness had been his hinting, very nearly stating, that he had felt a special regard for her.
Did he still? Do not be a fool! she reprimanded herself.
Would a man look at a lady the way he does me, if he did not have tender feelings for her?
Would he expose so much of himself—including admitting to his faults—if he did not hope to win her affection?
Those questions led to more, such as what exactly her sentiments for him were.
She no longer disliked him. The more she knew of him, the more she liked and approved of him.
But she was not convinced she could say her feelings went deeper than that.
But then, so much had changed in her life over the last month that thinking about romance was too much.
If Mr Darcy held a true regard for her, if he hoped their connexion would become more intimate, he would understand her position and be patient.
There was another romance that occupied her—two, if she included Bramwell and Rebecca, although she did not believe they required more than time to properly settle matters between them.
Rather, the other relationship that filled Elizabeth’s mind was between Jane and Mr Bingley.
Seeing the gentleman’s sisters had increased her curiosity regarding whether he would return to Netherfield and resume his pursuit of her dearest cousin.
After her first encounter with Miss Bingley, Elizabeth had written to Jane to tell her about it.
She did not mention you at all and appears extremely pleased to be in town.
Her sudden interest in me, and failure to mention you, has confirmed to me that she is not worthy of your regard.
I am sorry, Jane. I know you believed you had made a friend in her, but her amiability towards you was false, and she is untrustworthy.
Jane’s reply, which Elizabeth had received before the second meeting with Mr Bingley’s sisters, had been full of reassurances.
Knowing how you despise such falseness in people, I am sorry she was so disingenuous regarding her motivations in approaching you.
From your recounting of it, Miss Bingley did herself no favours with Lady Romsley, which she must surely regret.
You did not mention Mr Bingley, which I assume means you have not seen him.
Do not be afraid to mention him, Lizzy. I shall recover, and what I believed I felt for him will fade, now that I know he never meant to evoke tender feelings in me.