Chapter Eight
Jude was disgusted with his own behavior.
Both toward Ivy and his team. When his men approached, he’d been relieved to see them, but all it had taken was Ross’s appreciative gaze toward Ivy, and Jude was wishing they were alone again—even if they did have to spend another night in the wilderness.
His stomach had hardened when Ross suggested driving Ivy back to the cars on his ATV, and he hated the burning sensation in his chest that hadn’t subsided since.
Jude wasn’t a jealous man. He never wanted women to get the wrong idea about where they stood, but with Ivy, he found himself acting slightly ridiculous.
He’d wanted to knock the smile off of Ross’s face and tell him to keep his hands to himself.
That there was no way Ivy would be clinging to him on the back of a four-wheeler.
Pressing her body, the one he’d had the pleasure of holding in his arms all night, up against Ross.
A man who had a different girlfriend every couple of weeks.
What made Jude’s behavior even more rash was that he had no intention of claiming Ivy for himself, but he’d be damned if anyone else on his team did either.
She was out of their leagues. All of them.
When Ivy got onto the ATV with him though, he realized the deep error in his judgment.
Her body felt too damn good against his.
The way she clenched her thighs, doing everything she could to hang on for the ride, made his body respond as it had the night before.
Every nerve ending he possessed was like a live wire as he navigated the steep and rocky terrain.
It was unsettling to realize he was more preoccupied with the beat of her heart against his back and her soft breasts molded to his body, than keeping up with his agents.
Then she’d buried her cheek against him, trusting him to safely get them out of the forest, and his chest had swelled with emotion.
The urge to pull off the trail, yank her onto his lap, and kiss the hell out of her nearly overwhelmed him.
This petite woman was a total assault on his senses.
A threat to everything he kept buried deep.
Despite their life-or-death situation the night before, he couldn’t recall a time when he’d felt more at peace than curled around her on the floor of that cave.
He was fucked up. Had no business imagining a woman like Ivy over him.
Under him. It wasn’t the all-consuming desire that terrified him though, it was the warmth that hit his chest when she beamed up at him.
The tenderness that swamped him when he heard her laugh.
Ross had been lucky Jude’s phone had started to ring when they made it to the parking lot.
He’d been stupid not to realize that Ivy’s muscles would be sore after holding on to him so tightly, but Ross, being the observant bastard that he was, swooped in to steady her.
Something Jude should have done himself.
When Red told him Ivy’s apartment had been broken into and trashed, all of the what-ifs flooded his psyche.
What the men would have done to her had they found her in the apartment.
What they would have done to her brother.
It was like reliving that terrible night in his childhood.
What if he had crawled out from behind the couch and leapt on the men’s backs?
Maybe he could have distracted them long enough for his little brother to get away or for his mother to call the police.
His father had already been murdered at that point, blood pouring from a knife wound to the neck.
The gurgling sound was something that would forever haunt him.
So, while he was pissed as fuck that Ross suggested Ivy drive in the SUV back to the office, he knew it was for the best. He didn’t think for a second that she’d opt to go with him instead.
He hadn’t been friendly to her in the least. Quite the opposite, he’d been an asshole because he was jealous.
She hadn’t deserved any of his anger. Still, the pleasure of seeing her walking toward him made his chest swell.
He craved to have her next to him in the small cab of the truck, which was exactly why he should have insisted that she go with his team.
Nothing was going to happen between them, but he would keep her safe at all costs.
Her and her family. When she told him how she’d dislocated her arm previously he didn’t know what to say.
He knew accidents happened, but the force it took to pull a joint out of the socket was immense.
The fact that she was able to keep her cool and simply google what to do to put her shoulder back into place floored him.
He rounded the driver’s side door and helped Ivy climb up into the cab of the truck. He buckled her in, trying not to catch the sweet scent of her shampoo. He jogged around the hood of the truck, jumped in, and started the ignition.
Once he was sitting behind the wheel, Ivy cleared her throat. “I’m sorry about the ATV ride. I know you don’t like to be touched, and it would have been easier for you to send me with Ross. I just… I feel safe with you.”
He simply stared at her for a minute, trying to decipher what to say. “You think I wanted you to go with Ross?”
“Didn’t you?” She tilted her head as she eyed him across the bench of the truck.
A lie was on the tip of his tongue, but he couldn’t be dishonest with her. “The last fucking thing I wanted was for you to go with Ross.”
She jerked back, eyes wide, before he caught a glimpse of relief on her face. Again, he cursed himself for being so standoffish.
“I wanted your arms around me, Ivy. Only me. The thought of you holding on to one of my men, and not me, was like a punch to the gut, which is exactly why I should have insisted you go with them.”
She turned her body, facing him more fully. “I was uncomfortable the entire time.”
He clenched the steering wheel until the joints in each finger ached. This woman had saved his life. Subjected herself to tremendous pain. And what had he done? Made her feel like a burden. He was vaguely aware of the crunch of gravel as his team drove out of the parking lot.
Ivy sighed and the corners of her lips tilted upwards.
“But then I remembered the way I teased you last night and thought I deserved the payback. Although I’m pretty sure I had it worse being pressed up against you, along with the vibrations from the machine.
I almost embarrassed myself several times. ”
The atmosphere inside the truck shifted with her admission, sparking the air with an electrical charge.
He stared at her, knowing his mouth was slack.
She wasn’t trying to turn him on; she was simply being honest with him.
It was refreshing not to have to guess what she was thinking.
His heart pounded and the tiny hairs on the back of his neck stood up.
“I considered pulling off the road and dragging you into my lap. The ride was fucking torture for me, too.” He looked away, clenching the steering wheel to keep from touching her.
“I’m attracted to you, but it will never be more than that.
I can’t touch you. I sure as hell can’t have you. ”
“Why not?” Something in her voice made him turn and when he caught the heat simmering in her eyes he swelled inside his jeans. The air had thinned considerably, and he found it difficult to draw a breath.
“Because you make me feel,” he ground out.
She shook her head, searching his face. “I don’t understand. What do I make you feel?”
For a woman who was so expressive, so honest with her feelings, she would never understand his need for absolute control over his emotions.
Over his environment. Or maybe she’d understand better than anyone given how well she accepted her brother’s need for sovereignty over his schedule. “Something.”
“Is that really such a bad thing?”
“When you have a past like mine, yeah, it’s bad.
” He never spoke of what had happened in his childhood or shared so much about himself, but he found himself needing this woman to understand.
“I’d destroy you, Ivy. All your sweetness and light, I’d smother with the desire to keep you safe.
I’m afraid of the man that I’d become. Terrified I’d go insane caring for someone that I might lose. ”
She took a moment to process his words. “Who else did you lose, Jude?” she asked softly. His throat constricted at her words, and he didn’t trust himself to speak. If she encouraged him to continue to share, he would’ve shut down, but she didn’t. She simply waited him out.
“You asked earlier if I had a brother. I did.” He spoke past the pain, making his voice sound forced and choked.
“I also had a beautiful mother. She sang me to sleep at night. A dad who would shoot hoops with me in the driveway. I had everything a child could hope for and that was taken from me in the most brutal way possible. All three of them were murdered. I watched each of them bleed out. Listened to the panic in their voices. The confusion. I didn’t get a scratch because I was hiding. ”
The sound of the seat belt latch being released was the last thing he heard before blood roared through his ears.
One minute, Ivy was on the other side of the truck and the next she was straddling him, her arms wrapped tightly around his neck, offering him both strength and comfort.
She didn’t give him apologies or meaningless platitudes; she simply held him with the same force she had on the ATV and slowly rocked him from side to side.
His eyes burned. Even as a child in the aftermath of what he’d experienced, he’d never been able to accept comfort.
Why he was able to do so when it came from her was disconcerting.
He wasn’t sure how long they sat like that, but he absorbed all the feelings of strength that she poured into him.
When she finally leaned back, her cheeks were damp with tears.
She’d cried for him, shared in his pain, and damn if it didn’t cleanse away some of the anguish poisoning his mind and body.
She dropped her eyes to his lips, and he felt his body immediately tighten.
She was so beautiful, face free of makeup and a little streak of dirt over her cheek.
He wanted nothing more than to lean forward and meet her lips, but he wouldn’t.
It would be the worst decision of his life.
Despite all the pleasure Ivy would undoubtedly bring him, she’d also be his downfall.
“Ivy,” he warned gripping her hips, intending to keep her away.
Instead, his actions betrayed him, and he wrenched her against him, sealing her body to his.
Their breathing both increased as they stared into each other’s eyes.
Ivy tilted her head, brushing her lips over his in a whisper of a touch.
Slow. Soft. Reverent. With that one touch, he could feel the dam he’d built around his churning emotions start to crack.
In her arms, he was suddenly reckless. His hands left her hips and moved up her back.
He buried them in her tangled hair, sliding his tongue into her mouth.
She opened for him easily, and he took and took.
Tasting and demanding more as the kiss began to move out of control.
His hands wandered over her back and sides, dipping below the hem of the jacket to the smooth curves beneath.
She sucked in a quick breath, and he drew her even closer, so the result of his attraction was unmistakable.
It wasn’t until the kiss turned frantic, both angling their head for deeper access, that clarity struck.
He didn’t want to do this. Couldn’t do this.
He shoved her back more roughly than he intended.
“I’m sorry.” His voice was hoarse and unrecognizable. “I can’t do this. Not with you.”
She searched his gaze, and he waited for the flare of anger or harsh words, but in her eyes, he found only understanding.
She leaned forward and brushed his cheek with the pad of her thumb, then placed a kiss on his forehead before sliding off his lap.
She returned to the passenger side of the truck and buckled the seat belt.
Wordlessly, he began to drive. He glanced in his rearview mirror at the empty parking lot and had the unsettling thought that he was leaving any chance of peace he might have grabbed a hold of behind him.