CHAPTER SIX
Amy climbed the stairs to her room, her phone clutched in her hand.
She hoped her departure hadn’t appeared to Will and Lance to be the frantic escape it had really been.
She’d seen Will watching them while she’d pushed Isabella on the swing.
A part of her had reacted to his attention even though she knew it was most likely centered on his daughter, not her.
That long-buried fifteen-year-old part of her had sprung to life, yearning for the attention of the man she’d thought was lost to her.
It had taken her by surprise, and Amy knew she couldn’t allow those thoughts and feelings to take hold.
“This isn’t funny, God,” she muttered under her breath as she sank down on her bed, grateful to be in the sanctuary of her room.
Eight years ago, Will’s attention was all she’d craved.
That was definitely not what she wanted now.
There were just too many screwed up dynamics in the situation.
Not the least of which was that he was no more interested in her now than he’d been eight years earlier.
Besides, Amy enjoyed how things were in her life now.
She was content to wait for a nice, uncomplicated man to love her.
Or so she kept telling herself.
She stared at the screen of her phone before touching it to place a call to her best friend. Sammi hadn’t known her when she was a teenager, and Amy had never told her about what had happened back then. She was prepared to tell her now and to ask for advice and for her to pray.
As she waited for Sammi to answer, she walked to the window seat and sank down on its cushioned surface. She had a room along the front, so her view was of the tree-lined driveway. Which was just as well. She didn’t want to be looking down on the back yard where Will was with Isabella.
“Hello, Miss Amelia,” Sammi answered with a laugh.
“Hey, Samsam. You busy?”
“Nope. Just sitting in front of the A/C trying to keep cool. What’s up?”
Amy let out a long sigh and spilled the whole story. “Maybe I was na?ve or just plain stupid, but I didn’t expect to feel this way about him again.”
“So you’re telling me that back when you were just fifteen, you felt God wanted you to marry Will?” Sammi asked.
“Yes. I can’t explain it. I know it sounds dumb and very teenage drama-ish, but it was such a strong feeling back then.
So when he came back married, I was beyond crushed.
For the next couple of years, I walked around feeling like I had an open wound on my heart.
Again, I know, dramatic, but even now, if I let myself, I can still feel the pain, and it takes my breath away. ”
“Then why in the world would you agree to go there to help out knowing you’d see him again?”
Amy twisted a strand of hair around her finger. “I don’t know. They needed help. Cami had told me he’d changed. And honestly? I thought I didn’t feel anything for him anymore.”
“And now? What’s happened?”
“He’s not the same person I felt so strongly about as a teenager.
And it was fine—at first. We’d spent some time together with the family, and there was really nothing there.
Then today, he’s here with his daughter, and I was pushing her on the swing.
I happened to look up and saw him watching us—for all I know he was just watching her—but suddenly everything came rushing back. ”
“Teenage Amy was back?”
“Yep. Just like that all the emotions and feelings were there. And suddenly I’m thinking things like I wonder if he likes this color I’m wearing. Or, maybe I should’ve left my hair down.” Amy pressed her fingers against her forehead. “Where did it come from? I can’t be thinking like that anymore.”
“Why not?” Sammi asked. “He’s available. You’re available.”
“But that’s the thing,” Amy said, “I don’t think he’s really available. Yes, in the physical sense, he is. I noticed he’s not wearing a ring. But emotionally, I don’t think he’s there yet.”
“You think he’s still caught up with his wife?”
“Yes, I do. His daughter is the spitting image of Delia. How could he not be reminded of the woman every single day? I only saw Delia a few times when we were here for Cami and Josh’s wedding, but as soon as I saw her daughter, it was like I was right back there.
” Amy sighed. “I wouldn’t want to be the one he settles for because he can’t have the wife he lost so suddenly. ”
“Do you think he feels anything toward you?”
“I doubt it. If Delia was his type, I’m the exact opposite of her.
This has nothing to do with there being a possibility of a relationship between us—there isn’t.
This is me trying to keep myself from being hurt all over again.
I need to figure out how to get teenage Amy to go back to wherever she came from and stay there. ”
Sammi chuckled. “You know it doesn’t work that way. Emotions are not something so easily ignored.”
Amy swallowed hard, her throat tight. She knew she sounded crazy.
It was why she’d never told anyone aside from Cami about what had happened back then.
And even with Cami she’d never told her how much hurt she’d felt when she’d realized Will was married.
So much of her hurt had not come from Will’s actions, but from the feeling that God had betrayed her.
She’d been so sure Will was to have been hers.
“Listen, Aims, you don’t know that maybe what you felt back then was right,” Sammi said, her voice more serious.
“What? No.” Even though Sammi couldn’t see her, Amy shook her head vigorously. “No.”
“Maybe God did mean for you and him to be together. Just not then. You would have had to wait anyway, because I’m pretty sure there’s no way your mom and dad would have of approved a relationship between the two of you when you were fifteen or even sixteen.
It could be that now is the fruition of what God impressed upon your heart all those years ago. ”
“Don’t say that, Sammi. Please don’t say that,” Amy pleaded.
“Don’t I deserve to have someone’s whole heart?
I don’t want to share his heart with a woman who was taken from him so horribly.
I think it would have been easier if he and Delia had divorced because then at least he would have chosen to separate himself from her.
She was taken from him, and he’s still mourning her loss six years later. I can’t deal with that.”
“You don’t know that he won’t love you with his whole heart. God can ease that grief in his heart and fill it completely with love for you.”
“Sammi, he can’t even love his daughter the way he should,” Amy said. “He gives that little girl everything she could ever want or ask for...except for his love.”
“Why? Who can’t love a child?”
“A man who feels that that child is the reason his wife is no longer alive.”
“Surely he doesn’t blame her,” Sammi insisted. “It’s hardly her fault.”
“Actually, I don’t think he blames her. I’m pretty sure he shoulders that blame all himself, but every time he looks at her he is reminded of why she is here and why Delia isn’t. If he can’t love his daughter, how could he even begin to love someone like me?”
There was silence for a few seconds then Sammi said, “I’m sorry, Aims. I’ll be praying for you. Trust God that He might still have something wonderful planned for the two of you. Don’t shut the door out of fear.”
“But I don’t want to feel this again. I don’t want to start counting the minutes until I see him. I don’t want to think of him when I’m trying to consider what to wear. I just really don’t want those emotions to have so much power again.”
“Sometimes you have to take the risk of hurt in order to reap the joy. Don’t let the fear bind you from at least being open to what God might have in store for you.”
Amy knew that her friend was right. It was something she would have said to a friend herself, but taking that advice now was not something she wanted to do. “I’ll pray about it.”
“I will too,” Sammi assured her.
Watching out the window, Amy sucked in a breath as she saw Isabella appear on the porch.
She skipped over to the SUV as Will followed more slowly.
He opened the door for her but before she climbed in, the little girl happened to glance up and spot Amy in the window. Isabella waved enthusiastically at her.
Will turned, and Amy felt her breath catch as he waved a hand in her direction.
She returned the wave and then watched as he helped Isabella into the back seat of his vehicle.
He rounded the hood to the other side and opened the door.
Amy thought he’d get right into the car, but he paused and looked up at her again.
He wore sunglasses, so it wasn’t like their gazes met, but he was clearly looking in her direction.
Frozen, she waited. He didn’t wave again but gave a slight nod of his head before disappearing into his SUV.
As she watched them drive away, his fancy car glinting in the afternoon sun, she remembered the question they used to be asked in elementary school.
What super power would you like to have and why?
Back in grade school she’d never had a ready answer, but right then Amy wished she had the ability to read minds.
She’d give just about anything to know what was going on in his head.
“Amy? You still there?” Sammi’s voice broke into her thoughts.
“Yeah. Sorry.” Amy slid off the window seat and went to curl up on her bed. “Will and Isabella just left.”
“Where are you calling me from?”
“My bedroom. I could see them from my window.”
“Listen, just remember why you’re there. You agreed to help your cousin and his family. Focus on that.”
“I’ll try. It would have been easier if I hadn’t agreed to work with Will on Isabella’s birthday party. And her birthday is, of course, also the date of Delia’s death.”
“You can do it. Just be your normal perky self,” Sammi advised. “When are Cami and Josh arriving?”