CHAPTER NINETEEN
“What’s wrong?” he prodded again, desperate to know what was going on.
He saw her take a deep breath before she turned to face him.
“I can’t do this with you,” she said, her voice hoarse. Fresh tears spilled down her cheeks. “I’m sorry.”
Will swallowed hard. How was it that the end of a relationship that hadn’t even really gotten off the ground could cause so much hurt. “Why?”
She took so long to answer Will wondered if she was going to. But finally she said, “I don’t know how to be in a relationship when there’s another woman involved.”
“What?” Will stared at her, certain he hadn’t heard her right. “Another woman? I’m not involved with another woman.”
She looked away from him. “It’s Delia.” He heard her voice crack on Delia’s name.
“Delia? This is about Delia?” Will wished the fog of confusion would clear from his head. “I don’t understand.”
“I saw you with Delia, Will. I was here the night you arrived with her as your new bride. I saw the love and adoration you had for her. It was hard to miss. I’m the opposite of Delia in pretty much every way, and I just can’t get past feeling like I would be second best. That I would never have all your love.
” Amy rubbed a hand just below her left collar bone.
“And maybe I’m just being na?ve, but I don’t want to be someone’s second choice.
I don’t want to have to share someone’s heart with another woman. ”
“You’ve put some thought into this,” was Will’s only response as he stared at her.
Amy’s head dropped before she looked at him again. “Yes.” As she stared at him, Will sensed that she was trying to decide if she should go on. “You don’t know this, but you’ve already broken my heart once.”
“What?” The fog of confusion suddenly got even denser. “I have no idea what you’re talking about.”
“I know.” She paused before continuing. “When I was here that Christmas for Lance and Jessa’s wedding and I met you for the first time, I was positive that you were the man God wanted me to marry.”
Of all the things he’d thought she’d say, that hadn’t even been on the radar. “Uh, you were how old?”
“I was fifteen, but I felt it strongly. I wanted to say something, to ask you to wait for me, but figured you’d just think I was crazy, so I didn’t.
When I came for Cami and Josh’s wedding, I talked to Cami about it.
I was so excited to see you again and had made the decision to talk to you.
During that year or so since I’d last seen you, I’d prayed that if it wasn’t meant to be that God would take what I felt away. I prayed for you every night.”
“You did?” Will was more than a little baffled at the direction of the conversation.
“Yes. Every night I prayed that God would keep you safe and guard your heart for me. Then that night at the wedding...”
“I showed up with Delia as my wife.”
“Yes. I was devastated. I couldn’t figure out what had happened.
I was angry at God for not taking away the feelings I had for you.
I was angry at you for falling in love with someone else.
It was a very rough time for me. And I couldn’t talk to anyone but Cami about it.
And even she didn’t know how deeply I hurt. ”
He had no idea how to respond. “I’m...sorry?”
“No need to be sorry. How could you have known?” Amy sighed.
“I spent a lot of time moving on from my feelings for you since then. I had even convinced myself it was just some teenage crush that had lasted too long. When Cami asked me to come here, I was sure it wouldn’t be an issue.
I was even more convinced when you didn’t even recognize me that first morning at the manor. ”
“I don’t even know what to say to all this,” Will said. “I had no idea.”
“I know you didn’t. What I’m struggling with now isn’t your fault.
When I started feeling things for you again, and then you seemed to reciprocate, I thought I could do it.
But it seems that I can’t.” Amy’s shoulders slumped.
“The memories keep cropping up and sucker punching me. I feel like I’m on a rollercoaster. I just can’t do it. I’m sorry.”
“This morning?” Will asked.
Amy looked at him, her head tilted to the side. “What about it?”
“When you left the service. Was it one of those sucker punch memories?”
She stared at him for a long moment before nodding.
“What was it?”
Her brows drew together. “I don’t know if it was the song or what, but suddenly I was sixteen again watching you and Delia stand together two rows in front of me.
You had your arm around her, and when you looked at each other, all I could see was the love you had for her.
The love I thought you would one day have for me. ”
Will remembered that day. Their first service as a married couple in his hometown.
It was odd to think that something that had been so special to him had brought such pain to Amy.
But he hadn’t known. And even if he had, he wasn’t sure he would have done anything differently.
He had loved Delia, and they’d already been married.
“Was there more today?” he asked, curious if the trip to the apartment had triggered something.
Her gaze dropped from his, and she hunched forward. “The apartment.”
“I never lived there with Delia. I had all that done after she passed away.”
“Not that. When I went to the bathroom, I looked into your bedroom.”
Will closed his eyes, well aware of what she would have seen.
“I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have snooped.” Her voice cracked, and she took a deep breath. “But I think it was for the best because, picture aside, I can’t seem to get past all of the rest of this.”
“So that’s it?” Will asked, anger flaring inside him. “A few memories and a picture on my nightstand are enough for you to end this without even trying?”
“No. This is about pain and heartache. And the fact that I feel it deeply each and every time a memory surfaces. You kiss me, and I remember seeing you kiss her and how much it hurt me back then. You lay your hand on my back to guide me somewhere, and I remember how you did that with Delia. I remember seeing how you cherished her and how I had wished that was me.” She paused as tears spilled down her cheeks.
“I know it must sound ridiculous to you since I was only sixteen, but it was so very real to me. I truly believed that you were going to be my husband. You can’t imagine the pain my teenage heart endured.
This was more than just a crush. So much more. ”
“You’re right, I don’t understand. I’m sorry about what happened back then, but I didn’t know. And at that point, even if I had known, there was nothing I could do.”
“And you wouldn’t have wanted to do anything about it anyway. You had your love, your wife.”
Will couldn’t deny what she said. “What can I do to get you to give us a chance?”
“I did give us a chance. That’s why I accepted your date invitation.
It’s why I kissed you. It’s why I sat with you this morning.
” She lifted her head and stared at him, her green gaze intense.
“You tell me what to do. You tell me how to make it not matter to my heart that I’m your second choice.
That if you had a chance to do it all over again, you’d probably do what you could to keep Delia from dying.
That she, now and forever, will have a large part of your heart.
That the things I imagined us learning together, you’ve already done with her.
” Her voice again cracked with emotion. “Tell me how to make none of that matter. Tell me!”
Confusion and hurt pushed away the anger, leaving Will feeling helpless and desperate. “I don’t know what to tell you. All I know is that I’m a different man now than I was eight years ago. And the man I am today is choosing you.”
Amy’s expression crumpled into tears as she lifted a clenched hand and pressed it to her heart. “But you chose her first.”
And there was absolutely nothing Will could do to change that. He looked at Amy, his heart aching as he realized that, for the second time in his life, he was losing the woman he loved.
She wrapped her arms across her waist and seemed to curl into herself as if to ward off any more pain. Knowing that there was nothing left to say, no words that could give soothing for her pain or freedom from his past’s effects on her, Will swallowed hard and got up from the swing.
His steps leaving her were as slow as the ones that had taken him to her earlier. He had known it wasn’t going to be good, and his intuition had been correct. Clearly it wasn’t in God’s plan for him to have a love that lasted.
As he walked from the trees to the backyard, he realized the family was all still gathered there. Not interested in any conversation, he went to the person he figured would give him the least grief at this point.
He moved towards where Cami still stood with Josh. Her gaze, full of sadness, was on him as he approached her.
“Would you guys be willing to keep Isabella here for the night? She doesn’t have anything to wear, but I’m sure Julia has a few things she could loan her.”
Cami nodded. “Of course.” Her gaze went past his shoulder toward the lake. “Is she okay?”
“No. And there’s nothing I can do about it. Someone should have told me about her feelings sooner. I had no idea.”
Josh clapped a hand on his shoulder. “I’m sorry, bro. I didn’t know anything about it until Cami told me the other day.”
“I’m going to go now. I don’t think she’ll come back as long as she thinks I’m still here.”
Will turned and walked toward the side of the house, his head bent.
“Will?” He heard Laurel call out to him, but he kept on going. Let Cami and Josh fill them all in on the details. He didn’t think he could do it right then.