Chapter 5
Ella avoided the training ground for the next sennight.
After Calum’s reaction when he saw her watching him from the rampart, she dared not run into him there.
It would bring back an uncomfortable memory for both of them.
Did he know how close he’d come to the edge of the cliff when he saw her?
She shuddered every time she thought of it.
She knew he’d been improving every day with bow and arrow.
He’d moved inside the keep’s walls from that private practice area Euan had set up for him outside, overlooking the firth.
Her friends kept her informed about his progress, how his strength was returning, his aim improving and how he hoped soon to get permission from the healer to pick up a blade again.
All that was wonderful news. Ella was happy for him, truly. But she couldn’t escape the sadness that filled her every time she thought of him. Nor the resentment for his repudiation of all she had done to help him, and how he rejected her.
The only time she saw him was at meals, like now.
She shared her midday meal with Muireall, Annie, and her sister Cat, while Calum sat across the great hall with the other men.
He’d been welcomed back into their company, at least by most. She’d heard about the dispute the night after he’d first picked up a bow.
Men could be so thoughtless. So cruel. Even when they didn’t mean to be.
She hated to imagine the damage their callous jests had done to the progress Calum made that evening with Euan and Kenneth.
The two jesters had apologized the next day, but Calum now knew her deception was widely known and supported.
Even though she’d been nowhere nearby, once again she’d been the source of embarrassment for him.
“Ye are miles away, Ella,” Muireall said, jostling her with an elbow to her side. “And I see what—or who—ye are trying so hard no’ to look at. What are ye thinking, lass?”
It was impossible to keep her gaze from straying to Calum.
She wished she’d never conspired with the healer.
Instead, Ella should have let her do what Calum wanted and just let the lads tend him.
She didn’t know how to say the words to answer her friend’s question.
Had she truly acted for him, or only to satisfy her own wish to be needed by him?
Despite male reactions to her appearance, she’d never thought of herself as excessively proud, but her pride had gotten the better of her, and left both of them with broken hearts.
“Perhaps it was for the best,” she said on a sigh, then, when Muireall gave her a confused look, her brows drawn together, Ella explained.
“Losing him. He kens I am damaged goods. He kens I was forced into a marriage with a man I didna ken and could never love.” A man who used her for his own pleasure, and to improve his standing within his clan.
She didn’t know if she would ever be comfortable offering another man the intimacy he would want from a wife, not again.
Not after how married life had been with Thomas Ross.
He wasn’t cruel. He was basically a kind man, but he tended to be indifferent to her needs.
Her wishes. She couldn’t say those words aloud.
Instead, she said, “I thought Calum was different. Patient. Steadfast. He knew my story and did not blame me. Until now. Until I pushed too hard. And lied to him.” She hadn’t known how important honesty was to him.
And how deeply he felt she’d betrayed him.
She’d had no idea. While she clung to the illusion that Calum could get beyond her past and truly love her, she’d only fooled herself.
With her Janet ruse, he’d seen the real woman, the one with faults and flaws, not just the beauty he admired or the lass he wanted to rescue from the Ross camp. And she didn’t measure up.
“Ye didna lie…exactly,” Annie broke in. “And eventually he’ll realize that. Once his bruised ego recovers. Men,” she huffed. “Those images they have of themselves are the most fragile part of them.” She took a bite of her meal and chewed before she added, “’Tis a wonder we tolerate them at all.”
“Ah, it sounds to me like Iain has done something…” Ella said, glad of the chance to change the subject.
“Nay, just a man being a man. He didna like a suggestion I made about something he considers a male prerogative.”
“Men,” her sister Cat snorted in solidarity.
The byplay gave Ella time to relax and she summoned a smile.
“That’s better,” Muireall said and patted her hand. “And by the way, as often as ye sneak looks at Calum, he’s sneaking looks at ye. I wouldna be so certain he’s over ye.”
“For all the good ’twill do him,” Annie added. “Ye are a strong woman, Ella. Make him crawl to ye. Dinna ye give in too easily.”
Ella choked on the sip she’d taken while Annie spoke. Her words too closely echoed the vow Ella made to the healer the day Calum’s sight revealed her face while she still wore Janet’s scent and damaged hands. “I’ll keep that in mind,” she answered when she could speak again.
But would she? Truly, it probably didn’t matter. Neither one of them seemed in a hurry to approach the other. To make amends. To find a way back to the path they’d been on. It might never happen. And never was a long time.
Calum knew he shouldn’t, but as he walked out of the great hall, he couldn’t help glancing toward Ella.
Fortunately, she was on his good side, so he didn’t have to look directly at her to see her.
His peripheral vision was sufficient on that side to see her with Annie, Cat, and Muireall, enjoying their meal and talking.
About him? Probably, because Annie watched him with a distinct crease between her brows as he passed through the hall.
He had no doubt that the lasses had decided he’d hurt their friend.
There would be hell to pay at some point. Probably with no warning.
And probably with painful consequences. For him, and perhaps for their husbands for supporting him.
“Ach, ye’d best keep clear of Annie,” Euan said from beside his left shoulder. “She’s got a look that doesna bode well for ye.”
“I ken it,” he answered. Thoroughly in the clan’s lady’s bad graces was not a desirable place for anyone to be. “But there’s naught I can do about it.”
“Ye could stop treating Ella like a pariah.”
Kenneth’s advice stung.
Calum had been doing exactly that. “Is everyone against me on this? She lied to me. And everyone—everyone—kenned it but me, which means everyone has been lying to me. She made a fool of me.” He held up a hand, too annoyed with them to admit he’d long suspected that Janet was Ella before the truth came out.
“Nay, dinna say it. I’ve heard a thousand times how she only meant to help me. ”
“Then get that stick out of yer arse and give the lass a chance. She still watches ye. Sadly. And ye watch her the same way. Ye both are fools to let this go on.”
They passed out of the great hall into the bailey and sunshine. Calum squinted against the sudden brightness.
“Ye are tolerating that better,” Kenneth noted.
“A wee,” Calum admitted, perversely grateful for the change of subject. Not that this one was any better. He was not well enough by far. His dream of fully regaining his vision, his abilities, and his place as a Brodie scout still seemed dangerously out of reach. For how much longer?
“Ye might treat the lass the same way,” Euan said. “As a situation that can get better. If ye let it. Ye seemed happy with each other before ye were injured. Even if ye were friendly, but no’ actually together, ye could at least be civil, and enjoy each other’s company.”
Calum stopped moving so quickly that Euan bumped into him from behind.
Turning, Calum fixed him with a glare. “Enough. I’ve heard enough.
I’ve had enough. Whether Ella and I ever speak to each other again—or anything else—is up to us and will happen or no’ as we decide. Yer nagging doesna help matters.”
Euan and Kenneth exchanged a grin, which was not at all the reaction Calum expected.
“Ella and ye?” Euan laughed in his face. “’Tis the first time I’ve heard ye mention the both of ye in the same sentence in weeks. Perhaps we’re making a dent in that stubborn hide of yers.”
“Aye?” Calum snorted. “Well, dinna believe it.”
“Then perhaps ye’d rather we all head for the training ground and make a more physical dent in that stubborn hide of yers,” Kenneth suggested.
“Ye ken I canna. Mhairi will have my hide if I pick up a blade.”
“Archery it is. Ye did well on the nearer targets yesterday. ’Tis time to move them farther away and see if ye can still shoot straight.”
Muireall took Ella aside after the meal and after Annie left to deal with some problem she hadn’t wanted to discuss, but which they both assumed had to do with Iain and something he wanted, or a bairn.
Ella walked beside Muireall toward the door out of the keep, all the while thinking she’d never forget the day she took Calum outside, and he carried her back into the keep through that door, then went straight to the healer to get his bandages removed.
It had been a disaster, and she should have expected it.
She should not have followed him. All the bad feelings between them stemmed from that day.
Or had they? She couldn’t shake the sense of guilt that told her he had a right to be angry, and that she’d done a foolish thing. And now, she had no idea how to fix it.
Cat moved outside with them, but mentioned visiting the seamstress and left them on their own.
“I want to talk to ye a wee longer,” Muireall told Ella once they were alone. “Ye should ken I dinna entirely agree with what Annie told ye.”
Ella frowned in confusion. “I dinna ken what ye mean.”