Chapter 6 #2
“What if he gets hurt—or killed?” She forced herself to her feet. “I should speak to him. Apologize. I canna let him go into danger feeling about me—about us—the way he does.”
“’Tis after the midday meal. He and Euan will be on the practice ground. But Ella, he is preparing for his first mission since he was hurt. He may no’ want to speak with ye. And to confront him where the other men can see and hear? I wouldna.”
“I’ll wait nearby ’til they’re done.”
“Where he can see ye? Ye’ll distract him when he needs to focus on proving himself. And if he gets hurt there because he notices ye, and he canna go tonight, he’ll blame ye, and ye will lose him forever.”
Ella sank back down onto the bed. “What should I do? I have to see him before he leaves.”
Muireall sank down beside her and picked up her hand, giving it a comforting squeeze. “Dinna fash. I have an idea. I’ll help ye.”
The great hall was already filled with the low rumble of conversation when Calum arrived for an early supper with Euan. He’d thought to eat before the hall became crowded, but it seemed the word spread about the scouts going out to hunt raiders, and everyone gathered to learn more.
He and Euan would not leave for hours yet. Daylight faded earlier this time of year, but they must wait for full dark to escape detection. The later it got, the more eager Calum became.
Euan found him waiting at the entrance to the hall, watching it fill.
“Iain wants a word,” he told him.
Calum froze. Was Iain about to tell him he was going to confine him to the keep?
After Kenneth’s vote of confidence, he’d never expected to get pulled from this mission, but why else would Iain summon them now save to give Euan time to find another partner tonight?
With a heavy heart, Calum followed his friend to the laird’s solar.
Euan entered and stepped aside to let Calum enter.
But then Euan pivoted behind him, out of the chamber and closed the door.
Calum wheeled to the door, surprised. What was Euan up to? When he turned back around, he knew.
“Ye.” Not Iain.
Ella stood up from her chair by the hearth, her hands twisting together in front of her waist.
So, another deception, and this time, Euan was in on it. Muireall, no doubt, asked him to do this. Was there no one he could trust?
“Dinna leave,” Ella said softly. “I need to speak with ye before ye go out tonight.”
“Aye? Do ye have information about these gallowglass men we’re to find?”
Her eyes widened at the sarcasm in his tone. “Nay, of course no’.”
“Then we’ve naught to discuss.”
Her lips thinned in response to his curt comment. “Calum, I’m sorry. I have regretted my actions every moment since ye saw me in the healer’s doorway. Even before then.”
“As ye should.”
She paled, making him regret being so abrupt with her. But Euan had led him into an ambush, so he didn’t feel like he owed her kindness. Somehow, he’d survive it—and find a way to make Euan regret this.
“Can ye ever forgive me? I care about ye. Ye ken that. I wanted to help ye heal. Is that so terrible?”
She was persistent. He’d give her that. He couldn’t let her get to him. Calum glanced around at the solid doorway behind him. “Euan brought me here. So I’m to understand that he and Muireall think I should forget yer lies and—”
“Nay. Aye. But nay. Ye must do as ye think best.” She hesitated and swallowed, as if dreading his reaction.
“But before ye risk yer life again, I wanted to tell ye how sorry I am. And that I miss the friendship we had before ye were hurt. How we seemed to be growing closer and happier all the time. I…I want that back.”
For one wild moment, Calum did, too. Then he sobered. This was Ella’s power. Not her beauty, though that didn’t hurt. Her strength was in her kindness. Her regard for the feelings of others. Her determination to help, even when her help was not wanted. His pride wouldn’t let him fall for it.
His pride. That was his weakness. What would it harm to give her a crumb of forgiveness?
Doing nothing would be cruel, and that was not in his nature.
If something happened and he didn’t come back from this mission, he could give her that small comfort rather than leaving her convinced he didn’t care for her.
Or that he didn’t want her, when clearly he had.
He’d been relentless in his pursuit of her, despite her history.
She was the one who deserved to be proud.
Not shamed. Not treated the way he’d been treating her.
She probably thought that now, after what she’d done, even though her motives had been good, he hated her.
And he didn’t. Mostly, he hated himself.
“Ye ask for something I dinna ken how to give. We canna go back. And perhaps we shouldna. But I can give ye this, in case I dinna return. In case ye find yerself standing over my cold, dead body.”
She flinched at his words.
That slight movement told Calum more than anything else that she truly did care for him.
That forgiving her was the right thing to do.
For her, but for himself, as well. He found that he didn’t have to force out the words.
They came easily. “I forgive ye, Ella. I accept that ye meant well. I forgot that ye dinna have it in ye to do anything as cruel as what I accused ye of. I let my pain and my fear cloud my judgment and cause me to strike out at ye. I’m sorry, too. ”
Her beautiful eyes overflowed with tears. “Then perhaps we have a way forward, Calum. A way past all of this.”
He shook his head. “I dinna ken how. I’m sorry, but I dinna. I forgive ye, but I willna forget that ye lied to me.”
He turned and opened the door, but her soft cry made him pause and glance back at her.
“Come home to me, Calum,” she said. “Dinna let yer pride get ye killed this night or any other.”
He nodded and left the solar, carefully closing the door behind him.
She would need some time to herself. He leaned against it, resting the back of his head on the thick, hard oak, taking deep breaths to calm his racing heart.
He’d tried to help her, but with his final words, he’d hurt her again.
And for what? His damned pride. But if he went back in there to apologize, he would only make things worse.
He had to do something—anything—else. Food would wait.
First, he wanted to flatten his arms master and scouting partner for doing much the same as Ella had done.
Lying to him, and setting him up for the encounter he’d just bungled with her.
Euan owed him for this, but he changed his mind before he stepped away from the door.
Euan might owe him for this, but he was the one who’d failed Ella—and himself.
Ella had given him a chance to make amends.
The danger he was going into this night was only the excuse.
If, nay, when he came back, they could have begun again from a better place than where they started when he walked into Iain’s solar. He’d ruined that chance.