Chapter Nine
CHAPTER NINE
L UCA LOOKED AT her as if she was delusional. “You apologized already.”
She swallowed. “No. I’m not sorry because I feel bad. I’m sorry now because I know that I hurt you. Worse, I tried to hurt you while telling you that you were unfeeling. I knew that you weren’t, or why would I have even bothered to insult you?”
He looked stunned by that. He paused his movements, his hand still around the mug of tea. “I suppose that’s true.”
“I am really sorry. You didn’t deserve that. I was angry and upset, and I knew that I was in a fight with you I couldn’t win. I lashed out. I’m not making excuses.”
He frowned. “I wanted you and the baby here with me. I don’t know how to be sorry for accomplishing that.”
That felt different than what he had said earlier too, even if she couldn’t articulate it. But in all things, it was honest.
It wasn’t that destructive, hideous catastrophe that she had lived through with her parents.
When they did nice things for her it was usually to get at the other one. Often making her feel special simply so she could be used as a pawn later. And then, when they didn’t need her she didn’t signify. When they were angry, she was in the way.
And they loved to deflect anger onto her.
No emotion was ever what it was presented as. But that wasn’t true with him.
What he had done had been heavy-handed. But he had been clear on his goals.
He had achieved them. That was who he was.
She swallowed hard. “At least you’re honest.”
He frowned. “I am sorry, though, if I hurt you.”
His eyes met hers, and there was honesty there. As bracing and clear as it ever was.
“Thank you.” She didn’t know how to articulate the ways in which he had hurt her.
She was a silly girl, that was the problem. She knew that he...that he was never going to be a man to fall madly, passionately in love with a woman.
I feel things...
No. Not because she didn’t believe he had feelings, but because she believed he had one true love. And it was medicine. It was healing the world. He was a single-minded man, and she was having difficulty figuring out how he was going to slip that focus. But when he had approached her on the steps in Milan, she had been convinced that he was there for her. When really he had been there to offer her a job. She had been terrified of course, because she had been certain that he must know about the pregnancy. But...
She just didn’t want to get into that, because she didn’t know how to explain it. Not to him, and not to herself.
He brought her a hot mug, and placed it in her hands. Her fingertips brushed his. He had been her boss for five years.
And now he was her husband.
More than that, he was the father of the baby that was inside of her. She had been the one who was cold and clinical. She had been the one who had decided to cut him out of her life, like this was a photograph, and she could simply take scissors to it and excise him from the frame. In one brutal snip.
Just the same as she had chosen to run from him that morning after they had first made love. She was treating him like he might turn into her parents. Like he might become a monster she didn’t recognize all of a sudden. He was difficult. But she understood the ways in which he was difficult. Luca had always been himself. Every inch himself. He had always been honest and up-front.
She was the one hiding.
She always had been.
Not just from him, but from everyone. Perhaps even herself.
He moved to a chair opposite her. And kept close watch on her as she took a slow sip of her tea. “This is the first time you’ve ever brought anything to me,” she said, looking down at her cup.
“You don’t work for me.”
“Technically I do.”
“I’m not your boss, just as you requested. It is a space to the left of me, rather than beneath me.”
She snorted.
“What?”
“I was beneath you. That is how we ended up in this situation.”
She did not know why she had brought that up. Just the mention of it made her stomach get tight. She knew his body. She could never not know it. She knew how it felt to touch him, taste him.
She might not be able to read his mind but she knew how he felt moving inside her.
That gripped her now. Held her in thrall.
“Yes,” he said.
He looked thoughtful for a moment. “It is interesting. I do not often see the women that I sleep with again.”
She winced. “That’s sort of a bracing truth.”
“Does it bother you because I was your only lover?”
She should’ve known that he would bring that up, and that he would be very blunt when he did. “I don’t know about that, but maybe it makes it feel like we are on an equal footing.”
“I would love to offer you the chance to make things equal. Because I know it isn’t considered appropriate for two people who had a sexual relationship to have a power differential.”
“It isn’t considered appropriate,” she said, trying to keep the reluctant amusement out of her voice. “But when it comes to sex people often behave inappropriately.”
“I haven’t. Before you. Technically, though, that night you were not my assistant.”
“Oh, come now, you kissed me before midnight.”
“Well, what time was it in Rome?”
She couldn’t tell if he was being serious or funny. “It doesn’t matter.”
“It does to me. I wanted you before that night. You don’t think that I was suddenly aroused for the very first time when I saw you in that dress?”
His earnestness caught her off guard, and she didn’t know why it did. Because that was normal for him.
And she had to stop being shocked by it. She had to stop judging him through the lens of her parents.
He made her want to be honest in ways she never was. “Well... Tell me then. When did it start?”
“May twenty-fourth. Four years ago. It was three thirty in the afternoon. You were standing in my office. By the window. And at that time of day the light just clears the building across the way, and allows for a shaft of it to pool on the floor right by my desk. It caught your hair as you bent down, placing a cup of coffee on the desk. I saw you, and I could not look away. I realized that what I really wanted was to touch you. To rise up from my seat and kiss you. I also knew that I couldn’t.”
“You couldn’t?”
Her breath was held fast in the center of her chest, everything in her suspended. “I thought you were a billionaire and you could do whatever you wanted.”
“No, that is clearly forbidden by human resources.”
“And you care about that?”
“Yes. It’s there because people can get hurt if the rule is not there, and I never try to cause harm. I do it enough on accident as it is.”
Her stomach twisted. “I see.”
“Rules are very important.”
“You know, there are a great many men who disregard those rules. Men who...don’t struggle with the things that you do. They don’t care.”
“I do. I wouldn’t have devoted my life to healing people if I didn’t care about those around me. I would never have wanted to hurt you. I’m sorry that I did. But I am not sorry that you’re here. I’m not even sorry that you’re having my baby.”
“Did you want children?”
“No. I didn’t. But now that this child is growing between us, I find myself thinking about it in an entirely different way.”
“How did you think of it before?”
“I didn’t. I used condoms with all of my lovers, and I did not plan to ever have a relationship to progress past that point. It is a cliché, but my work has long been my mistress and I never believed it left room for there to be a significant relationship in my life.”
In some ways, it was very similar to her. She hadn’t thought outright that she would never have children, but of course, she didn’t have a lover. So the odds of accidentally landing herself with the child were zero. “But now you want one?”
“I want this child. Perhaps that doesn’t make sense. I know that the baby is the size of a raspberry.”
“Of course you do.”
“Anything medical, I am expert on. I also know that there is a chance that the child won’t make it to term.”
“I’d rather not think about that.”
“Really? I would’ve thought that in some ways it would be easier for you to miscarry.”
He wasn’t trying to be cruel, but still, it hit her like a brutal blow. “Well, maybe you’re right. But I don’t feel that way. I haven’t felt that way. Not even for a moment in the beginning. In fact...” She had cried. She had wept like she was dying, and then she had felt afraid. Afraid that her initial sorrow would mean that she was robbed of the life growing inside of her. It had been the single most contradictory, frightening thing she had ever been through. But in the end, she had been clear on the fact that she wanted the baby. That wasn’t ambiguous. Not in the least.
“I don’t want you to lose the baby either.”
“I have terrible parents,” she said.
She had never spoken of her parents. Not to anyone. “I mean, really terrible. They were so toxic, with each other and with me. What they did was tantamount to emotional abuse. It’s why I’m so good at putting a mask on every day of my life. It’s why I don’t like being vulnerable. Or caught unawares. It’s why I always pretend like I know exactly what’s going on, even when I don’t, because what I know is that when certain people think they can get to you, then they will. And if you show them what you really feel, they’ll manipulate it. I learned that from them. I didn’t think that I was like them. Until I lashed out at you yesterday. So now I know that when things get difficult, I’m not necessarily at my best.”
“I didn’t know that,” he said. “About your parents.”
“Of course you didn’t. I didn’t tell anyone. I tried to leave that life, that version of myself in Indiana.”
“I knew you were from Indiana because it’s in your file. But you have never spoken of it.”
“Because there’s nothing to say. I didn’t want to be that girl anymore so I moved to a new country and became a different one.”
“An extraordinary feat,” he said. “Truly. I only know how to be the man that I am and that comes with its own set of issues.”
“I know.”
They were silent for a moment. “I would like to let you go and even things out between us. In regard to lovers. But I can’t. I cannot be fair or impartial when it comes to the subject of you allowing other men to touch you. I cannot be...the way I usually am. So perhaps in that regard I have become new. Or maybe something has become new inside of me. Probably in the time since May twenty-fourth four years ago.”
There was something so earnest and lovely in those words. Maybe not everyone would see it, but she did.
She took a sip of the cinnamon-flavored tea and leaned back on the couch. She began to feel sleepy and set the cup on the table beside her.
He picked it up, and put a coaster beneath it, but didn’t scold her. “Rest,” he said. “I will be here when you wake.”
When she did wake an hour or so later, it occurred to her that it was a singular thing for him to promise. He should be at work today. He didn’t go.
The next morning when she woke unwell, he didn’t go to work either. Or the next day, or the next. It was a complete and total rearranging of his routine and no one had ever, not once, disrupted their life on her behalf. She didn’t know what to make of it. Only that it made her sore right at the center of her chest.
She crept into the kitchen to find Luca cooking. As if he didn’t have a full staff for such a thing. As if he couldn’t magic something up with the snap of his fingers.
“What are you making?” she asked, hearing how small her voice sounded even in her own ears.
“An omelet. Protein. Vegetables.”
She thought she probably shouldn’t tell him she had no interest in protein or vegetables, and instead wanted cookies all the time. Given that Luca was so very Luca he would probably frown on that.
Processed sugar for his baby? Never.
Except the baby was also hers. So there would be sugar.
The idea of trying to live with this man, compromise with him, raise a child with him, was suddenly daunting.
She sat down at the kitchen island and leaned forward. “I will eat the omelet. And thank you for it. But right now I usually crave sweets in the morning.”
“Unhealthy,” he said.
He was so predictable.
“Be that as it may,” she said. “It’s what I want. And while I’m all for health, happiness is part of health.”
“Not in a practical sense.”
“Actually, yes, Luca. In a practical sense. We aren’t just bodies rattling around the physical world. We’re more than that.” She cleared her throat. “I’d have thought that you’d know that more than anyone. Considering how the order of the world affects your mind. That’s not physical. Not having three notebooks on a plane isn’t necessary for physical health, but you don’t feel right if you don’t have them.”
“And you are trying to make the case that you don’t feel right if you don’t have cakes?”
“Indeed.”
“Hmm.”
“I’ll have the omelet,” she conceded.
“You are welcome.”
“I did thank you,” she pointed out. “But I had the thought we’re probably going to have to discuss the ways we’re different from each other, and the ways that might express itself in our lives and in our...parenting styles.” She cleared her throat, wanting to be careful now. “I am actually not trying to say anything unkind, but you’re a very particular man.”
“That isn’t unkind. It’s true.”
“Yes, but I used the truth to be hurtful the other day and I’m sorry for it. So I’m trying to prove I’m not out here using elements of what’s honest as a sword. I’m just trying to look ahead.”
“All right, tell me what you’re thinking.”
He put the omelet in front of her and her stomach growled. “I don’t always eat healthy. I like sweets.”
“I like sweets,” he said.
She narrowed her eyes. “I have never seen you eat sweets.”
“Everything in moderation.”
“Well, I’m going to eat them. And I don’t want to overwhelm a child with data on what every medical journal the world over says about diet.”
“Fair,” he said. “But I will require that it is taken into account. I’m not opposed to treats but we must consult the World Pediatrics Journal regarding diet as a baseline.”
“Most parents won’t be doing that.”
“I am not most parents.”
She couldn’t argue that point. She didn’t even want to because then he set a mug of herbal tea next to her and it made her feel like she was glowing inside. It made her feel cared for.
No one had ever cared for her before. She had done a lot of caring for other people. And maybe it was a really small thing. Breakfast and a cup of tea. A couple of days of missed work. And yet, for him it wasn’t. She knew that.
“If it’s that important to you,” she said. “It’s very important to me that whatever is going on between the two of us, we never let it spill over onto our baby. Our child. Luca, there are going to be times when you frustrate me. But I never want our child to be aware of that. I never want for your mood or my mood to become their problem.”
He nodded slowly. “Agreed.”
“And it’s important that our child comes first. That is going to mean that sometimes you have to make sacrifices with work. But I don’t want a father for my baby that’s going to be half there and half gone.”
“You were more than willing to have me be all gone.”
“Sometimes I think that’s easier.”
He looked away. “No,” he said. “It isn’t. Because when my mother was all gone, then there was nothing soft left. There was no one left who looked at me and everything I was and smiled. I lost every ounce of support I had once had. I would have rather had her one day a month. One day a year. I’m glad I had her for the time that I did. Had I not had her at all, what would I be?”
She hated thinking of him like that. Alone. Vulnerable. She did feel protective of him, in spite of everything. She felt...
You care about him.
She tried to swallow past the lump in her throat.
“Right,” she said, her throat scratchy. “But your mother didn’t choose to leave you. You remember your mother so fondly because of all the good things that she did for you. Because of the good she saw in you. And I assume because you were the most important thing in her life. You and I do important things. Having a baby doesn’t erase that, or negate it. Neither of us should give up what we love. But if we were to make a list of the things that we loved...”
“The child should be the first thing.”
“Yes. And at the very least they should feel that they are.”
“Are you suggesting again that I’m going to have difficulty loving a child?”
She snorted. “I’m leaving space for both of us to have to spend time adjusting to this. We both love work.”
“You love work?” he asked.
“I spent five years giving you and this company the entirety of myself. Why would you think I didn’t love work?”
“You did quit.”
“Because I didn’t love being nothing more than an assistant.”
“You say that as if you were inconsequential, and indeed I believe that you think you were to me. You weren’t. You are...insulted that I came after you to offer you your job back, as if it was a small thing.” He shook his head. “I chased you down. I put my pride away. I cared absolutely nothing for it, because I needed to have you back. It was essential. Important. I cannot think that you do not know that.”
She hadn’t. Well, she hadn’t thought of it that way. But of course, there was actually no real separation between Luca the man and his job. What she had taken as a weak showing in the face of their passion had likely been altogether powerful for him. He had gone to her because he was admitting that he couldn’t handle life without her.
“Well. I do care. And I’m sorry that I didn’t see the gesture for what it was. I can now. So let me try and explain to you... I left because I could have actually stayed your assistant forever. But it wasn’t what I set out to do. It wasn’t the schooling that I got, it wasn’t... That job was my everything, and so were you. I needed it to change. But now things have changed again. We have to be willing to change with them.”
“Even if it means eating omelets?”
She turned her fork sideways and cut a bite off with a fearsome motion. “This isn’t a permanent change. I’m simply indulging you for the day.”
“I consider myself extremely fortunate.”
He was teasing her again. So unlike him, and yet, more frequent now than it had been before.
“And thank you,” she said. “For taking care of me.”
“Of course.”