Chapter Eleven
CHAPTER ELEVEN
H E REMEMBERED THIS . From that night. This passion. A conflagration, that was far beyond anything he had ever experienced before. Kissing had never been this. Desire had never been this. Need had never been an all-consuming driving urge that swamped his thoughts and made them go blank.
It was like sanctuary.
All day, every day, he was bombarded. The world around him was too loud. The feelings inside of him were too big. The thoughts inside his head so fast it was difficult to grab hold of one of them. And they never stopped. Never.
Except now. It was like everything whittled itself down into one singular point.
All that mattered was the sound of their breathing. The feel of her mouth beneath his. The way that her body felt beneath his hands, warm and supple, and all that he truly desired.
There were no thoughts. Because they were unnecessary.
And the feeling was only good.
And yet, nothing half so simple as good.
Sharp and poignant. Decadent and punishing. A revelation and a condemnation.
A baptism and hellfire.
He paused for a moment, for a breath. He pulled away and he looked at her. He waited. For her to say no. For her to pull away.
She didn’t. Instead she stretched up on her toes, wrapped her hand around the back of his head and pulled him down for a kiss.
Another one. This one more intense than the last.
Her hands were demanding, her mouth even more so. He tasted her deeply, his tongue sliding against hers, his arousal hot.
Overwhelming.
But in a good way, rather than in the way the world could feel all too often.
In this moment, there was no fear. No medicine. No discoveries yet uncharted that went anywhere beyond them.
And she... She was a discovery yet to be made. Yes, he had been with her once before. He had seen her naked. Answered the questions that he’d had about his assistant. But he was a curious man. And he could never be satisfied with just one panel of evidence. With just one moment of discovery. He needed to go deeper. He needed to find it all.
He needed to examine every angle. Every line. Every possibility.
And so slowly, he began to take her clothes off of her body. He gave thanks for the fact that it was three thirty in the afternoon. But the sun was shining down through the window.
That he would finally see her skin and all this golden light.
Because it was what he had wanted all these years. It was what he had denied himself because of propriety and rules.
But he would not deny himself now. Not anymore.
He realized then that he was entirely comprised of self-denial. Because he was so careful to never make a misstep. So careful to steer clear of doing the inappropriate. Of being wrong. Of showing that he cared more, of showing that he hurt more.
Of drawing attention to the real ways that he was abnormal.
But not here. Not now. He would allow himself this. To want more. To need more.
To need her.
So he unwrapped her like she was a sacred, precious gift, and he let himself get drunk on the glory of her every curve. The glorious softness of her skin. Her breasts were larger, rounder than they had been that first night they were together.
Her nipples were tight, a delicious berry pink that called to his appetites. And he decided to indulge them. He lowered his head and slid his tongue over that tightened bud, growling as he did. She gasped, holding his head to her, and arching against him. He sucked her deep, trying to assuage the roaring need drowning out the sound of everything but his heartbeat. Feeling. He was all feeling now.
This was what she wanted. Him. Like this.
She could have it.
And so would he.
In all of its splendor. In all of its glory.
Because he could feel the air, skimming over his skin, a heightened sense of need and desire and being alive that he wasn’t sure anyone else felt. But he did.
And right now, it was a good thing. Because her touch coupled with that sensitivity was all the drug he would ever need.
And someday, if he was ever found lying on the floor, addled by addiction, it would be her.
That addiction would be her.
He had been obsessed with her from the beginning.
And he had blinded himself to what that meant.
Because it was this. Always. From moment one.
She pushed at his shoulders, and he allowed her to do so, moving away from her. “It’s my turn,” she said, beginning to tug at the buttons on his shirt.
She undressed him, her fingers clumsy, and he found that endearing, because Polly was so rarely clumsy. She was always in charge. The master of everything, everything around him, all the details, his whole life.
But she was trembling now.
“Are you afraid?” he asked.
She shook her head. “I’m shaking because I want you.”
And this was why emotions were so difficult.
Because sometimes shaking was fear. And sometimes it was this.
He gripped her chin between his thumb and forefinger and leaned in, kissing her again.
She pushed the shirt from his shoulders and let it fall to the floor. She looked at him with the same sort of greed he knew had been on his face when he had examined her.
A triumph.
Physically, he had always been attractive to women.
It was everything else about him that created difficulties.
It was one reason he was very obsessive in his workout routines. Health being a primary goal and focus, of course. But, anything that made things easier was of course a boon. And he had found his physique absolutely made things easier.
She clearly appreciated his work.
She put her hand on his chest, let her fingertips drift down his abdomen. He closed his eyes, growled.
This was what it was like to feel. To only feel. To not think. To not worry about what he did next. To not worry how he would be received.
Some people felt this way all the time.
He was all right if he only felt that here. With her. It was a gift.
And one he would never take lightly.
He stripped the rest of her clothes away, and she did the same for him. And both of them were brilliantly, gloriously naked in that afternoon sun. He kissed her. Her neck, her collarbone, down the valley of her breasts. Her stomach. He lifted her up from the ground and set her gently on the edge of the couch, where he draped her legs over his shoulders and began to lick into her. Deeply, ravenously.
Her taste haunted his dreams.
He had wanted no one since her.
And while it was not entirely unheard of for him to close off his libido when it was convenient, it had never gone and done so on its own without his permission.
And yet with her...
She was what he wanted. Not sex. No other woman would do. He wanted her.
He licked her until she cried out his name. Until he felt her give up her control. Until he felt her release wash over them both.
And then he moved over her on the couch, lifting her thigh over his hip and claiming her in one smooth stroke.
Her fingernails dug into his shoulders.
Pain. Pleasure.
All the layers of humanity.
He began to move, his need utterly blotting out everything else. Her breath in his ear, the press of her breasts against his chest. The tight, wet heat of her body as she enveloped him.
“Polly,” he said. He said her name over and over again like an incantation, a prayer.
And then he felt his release begin to rise inside of him. He held it back as long as he could.
He didn’t want this to end.
He wanted her.
This moment.
Forever.
But then she cried out his name, arching against him, her internal muscles pulsing around him, and he was lost.
He gritted his teeth, buried his face in her neck, and came hard.
“Don’t run from me,” he said, eyes blazing into hers after the storm subsided.
“I won’t,” she said softly.
He moved away from her slowly, and then went into the bathroom to get a damp cloth.
He brought it back, and kept his eyes on hers as he pressed it between her legs.
“Thank you,” she said. “But it was...fine without.”
“I just want to take care of you,” he said. “And I can acknowledge that the way I tried to do that earlier didn’t look like care to you.”
She closed her eyes. “It did. But it made me uncomfortable. I could see where you were coming from. But...”
“I’m not allowed to always have my way.”
“No,” she said. “That’s part of sharing your life with somebody.”
“That’s probably why I have never done it before.”
“I haven’t really either, Luca.”
“You said that you were a virgin,” he said.
“Yes,” she said. “I was.” She moved the cloth away, and sat up, wrapping her hand around his bicep. “Because I had made a life for myself where I had all the control, and I liked it. I didn’t see the point of inviting another person in.”
She sighed heavily. “But that’s only part of the story. I also had a job and a boss that were completely all-consuming. And I couldn’t imagine being with another man while I was so enmeshed in your life.”
“Because I took up all your personal time?”
“That was part of it. Because of course nobody wants to be in the middle of an intimate moment and have their boss call and demand they tell him which tie he ought to wear for his next speech. But it was only part of it. I wanted you, Luca. And I couldn’t want somebody else while I wanted you.”
“Oh,” he said.
“Did you really not know?”
“I really didn’t. But then, you were my assistant, and that made you off-limits. And even though I had moments of failure in that area, I did my best to close off my thoughts of you. Now I’m glad that I don’t have to.”
She sighed heavily. “What are we going to do? Because if we introduce sex, then we are really in a marriage. And the potential to hurt each other...”
“We are really in a marriage. We got legally married.”
“I get that. I mean, I get that you see it that way. But I wanted to protect myself. Keep something that was mine. What am I going to do if things sour between us? You have all the power, and you already threatened to take our child away.”
“I will never threaten something like that again. I’m sorry.”
“Are you sorry because it scares me?”
“Yes. I am. I’m sorry that I used my position to terrorize you. That was the whole point of not having sex with you when you were my assistant. And then I did it anyway. It was the only way that I knew how to try and convince you to come with me.”
“Last time I asked you said you weren’t sorry.”
“As I got my way. But now I can see how I ought to be sorry about how I did it. About not giving you time. Not trusting you to come to the best conclusion.”
“Neither of us knows how to be in a relationship.”
He shook his head. “No. But we have a great many things to learn. And you are having my child. Also, I want you. I never wanted anyone the way that I want you. I’ve never forgotten myself. I’ve never forgotten to think. But when you touch me it’s like everything fades away. It’s like I understand...what it’s like to be somebody else for a while. I suddenly don’t feel consumed in an obsessive sort of way. Everything feels simple. And good. Like the only thing in my life is your hands on me. When normally I feel pulled in a hundred different directions all the time. I want that. I want more of it.”
“But you’re not in love with me,” she said.
“No.”
One of the many emotions he had no experience with, and no burning desire to try and explore. It would be far too much.
But he wanted her. And logically it made sense. It made a perfect kind of sense. They were already having a child. This connection between them existed. Why take all the energy it would require to suppress it? That would be madness. And he was not a man given to madness.
On purpose. Because he’d always had the feeling it could take him if it tried.
If he let it.
“I can’t promise you the same thing that another man might. But then, from what you told me about your parents you know that what starts as love can end as something entirely horrific.”
“I do.”
“So I am not offering you that. But I am telling you that I will try to learn to care in a way that you can receive. And that I will always be honest with you.”
“I know that,” she said. “Because for all that you frustrate me sometimes, you have always been honest with me. Always. You never tried to manipulate me. You strong-armed me so that you could have your way, but it was entirely obvious what you were doing. You never promised me one thing and delivered another.”
“I won’t do it now. But I cannot see a future where we continue to live together, work together, raise a child together, and we ignore this thing between us.”
She sighed heavily. “But sexual attraction doesn’t last forever.”
“No. But decisions can. Especially decisions that you make every day. I want our child to have the best life possible. And even when my father was himself, having my mother in the house made it better. You need that other parent. For when the one is unable to do their best. You need both. Just in case one needs to be lifted up. And I fear very much that I might need that.”
“Just decide that you’re going to be as single-minded when it comes to being a good father as you are with anything else. If you do that, I’m confident that you’re going to succeed.”
“Yes,” he said, looking out the window. “I can do that.”
“You don’t have to be afraid.”
“But I still want you there. I have always wanted you there. Since you were my assistant. You made everything better. You always have. And you will make this better too.”
“Okay. Okay, Luca. Let’s give this a try. Real marriage. Raising our child.”
“Thank you.” He leaned in and he kissed her. And when their lips touched, there was nothing but feeling. “That’s all I want.”
“Me too.”