Chapter Thirteen
CHAPTER THIRTEEN
H E PULLED AWAY from her, his dark gaze fierce. “I don’t know that I can say that to you.”
She wanted to weep. Not because she was heartbroken. Because he was everything she had believed him to be. “You don’t need to. A dishonest man would say it to keep me happy. To keep me doing what he wanted. But you’re not a dishonest man. That’s why I know that I can love you. It’s why... It’s why it doesn’t scare me. Well, that’s a lie. And I want to be honest. It scares me, Luca. But I have been falling in love with you by inches all these years. When I left as your assistant, it wasn’t because I found it difficult to keep up with your demands, even though I said that it was. Even though I wanted to believe that it was.
“I wanted to be singular to you. Not just an employee. And the fact that I might never be broke my heart in a deep and difficult way.
“I didn’t want to admit it. So I made up stories. Because I’m very good at that. Because what I learned from my parents was how to twist reality when it didn’t suit me. And even though it was used against me, I figured out a way to take that and make feelings and truths for myself that made me more comfortable. I want to be more like you. I want to see things as black and white. I want to see the heart of the matter. I feel like you do. I feel like the way that you deal with me and all the people around you is so... It’s honest.”
“You say that like it is a good thing. To have nothing nuanced to say about a situation, but I don’t know that that’s the case. I also have nowhere to hide. And sometimes I wish...”
“You have managed to hide though, haven’t you? Because people don’t get close.”
“It is the only way for me to hide myself. Because as you can see, when you get close enough, you can see everything. Thank you for the car. I feel grateful for it. And deeply uncomfortable to have that part of myself so exposed.”
“Why?”
“Because it is a vulnerability. And when people can hit you at your most vulnerable then...”
“I won’t use it against you. I promise. I know that I did.”
“It’s all right. Because that moment was possibly the closest I came to trying to manipulate you. It might’ve been a clumsy manipulation, as you pointed out. I did not pretend to be doing something I wasn’t. But I did use fear against you.”
“And we both regret it. We can move on from it.”
“Thank you.”
“Are you terribly uncomfortable?”
“I’m not uncomfortable. But I find that I... I find this challenging.”
“Why?”
“I can’t put into words.”
“And perhaps I find that most difficult of all. I am used to knowing everything. Everything in my sphere. I have built a life for myself that doesn’t challenge these deficiencies in me. And here you are. Forcing me to work on every single thing I decided I didn’t have to work on. I don’t find it especially fun.”
“Maybe it’s not supposed to be fun. Changing. But sometimes it’s necessary.”
“Yes.”
He looked at her. And there was something like wonder in his eyes. “Why do you love me?” The hunger there was something she couldn’t deny, even as she felt a small wave of sadness wash over her. She wasn’t going to demand that he suddenly feel the way that she did. She wasn’t going to demand that he suddenly feel differently than he did.
But she wanted him to. Still, loving him had to mean loving all of him. And he was not going to turn on a dime. Not when there was clearly a block inside of him where the idea of love was concerned. Not with her child, it didn’t seem, because he was able to see clearly the ways in which his father failed him, and he wanted to combat that.
But in every other way, it seemed to be very difficult.
“You are somebody who took great tragedy and turned it into purpose. Anyone would admire that.” She cleared her throat. “But it’s more than that. You are every inch yourself, and that makes me want to be the same. When I’ve spent my whole life hiding. Being with you has changed me. It’s allowing me to get down to the truth of myself in a way that nothing else ever has. I don’t feel afraid to be myself because you’re yourself. I love your passion. Both from my body, and for medicine. For figuring out how to be the best father you can be. The way that you see yourself is so...unkind sometimes, Luca. And that makes me sad. But I’m also in awe of what it has allowed you to do. I can appreciate that, even while wishing you could be a little bit kinder to yourself. I love how you listened when I said you had to give care in a way that people could receive it. Even though I made you mad. Mostly, I love that I could trust you with all of this. I know that you won’t take it and realize that you could crush me with it. Because that’s not who you are. You’re a brilliant man, and you could’ve taken all that brilliance and used it to exploit those weaker than yourself. You could’ve made money at the expense of other people, and instead you dedicated yourself to try and save others. That’s incredible. It is something that most men with that capacity simply don’t choose to do.”
“Those don’t seem like extraordinary things to me. They simply seem like the right thing to do.”
“And it is your clarity on that which I also love.”
She looked him in the eyes. “Don’t devalue the things that you do simply because they seem clear to you. They don’t seem clear to the rest of the world. And if they did, it would be a much better place. You are part of making it better. I love you for that also.”
“I’m sorry. But this is much like opening a present, and not knowing quite how to react.”
“You don’t have to. You don’t. Just be you. And that’s enough. I promise you.”
They were silent for a long time after that, and she felt her heart rate return to normal. Some of the adrenaline of the previous moment wearing off.
But it didn’t feel finished.
It didn’t feel over.
She was in love with him. And she wanted more. But she knew she had to let him get there in his own time.
And as she lay beside him with her hand on his chest, over his heart, she did her best to believe that it was all possible.
But Polly had never seen a future that contained love like this.
So she had a difficult time planning for it. A difficult time seeing how she might triumph.
But she had to trust. Because she had put her faith in this love rising up inside of her, and she needed to believe in it.
She needed to believe in them.
And as she listened to his breathing slow and his heart rate return to normal she held fast to that.
She had to believe in him.
She had to.