Chapter 82
Aurelia
Iwake up the only way I want to, cocooned between three mates.
Xander is in the shower, steam coiling through the open door, the sound of the water like a pleasant drum in my ears.
Scythe and Savage are on either side of me, and Lyle is hugging my legs in his sleep, a discarded jar of Tiger Balm off to the side.
The dull pain in my stomach has returned, and I need to use the bathroom.
Carefully, I extract myself from between my mates, but it only takes seconds for everyone to be awake and on alert. Is this our life now? Looking over our shoulder at every turn?
Once I’ve taken care of hygiene and eating, Lyle takes my empty plate, and Scythe sits down next to me at the dining table. “We have a lot to talk about, regina,” he says, ice-blue eyes glittering in awareness and observation of me.
“I agree.” I put my hand over his. “Can I see my friends first, please? I need to catch up with them.”
His lips twitch, and he caresses my cheek with the back of his fingers. “You don’t need permission from me for anything, you know that.”
Tiredly, I smile back. Xander and Savage offer to accompany me down to the school. It’s mid-morning by now, and we follow Minnie’s scent, something like sweet incense and cardamom, through the vacant corridors to a row of rooms I’ve never been in before.
In the lead, I peek through a square glass window cut into the door, and I see that it’s not a classroom but a counselling room. Sabrina, Minnie, Stacey, Beak, and a group of students I only know by sight sit in a circle of chairs. There are three boxes of tissues on the table.
Savage points to an A4 printed sign next to the door.
“M-O-T-F,” he spells out proudly. “I don’t know that word, regina.
” But all the breath has emptied from my lungs and I find I can’t get any in.
My vision blurs again, and I clutch at my stomach to try to prevent from throwing up my breakfast. “We can come back later,” Savage says in alarm.
Xander has gone stiff next to me, and I frown, trying to blink my tears away. “No, I think I should go in. Meet me back here later.”
“I want to come in too,” Savage says quietly.
“Mates of the Fallen,” Xander mutters. “That’s what it stands for, Savage.”
“But you haven’t lost a mate,” Savage protests.
It feels like I have. Xander steps away from me, and the corridor suddenly feels cold. “Let her go, Savage. It might help.”
“You go,” Savage’s voice is suddenly irate. “I’ll wait for my regina here.”
“Very well.” Then Xander is gone.
I push open the door, feeling like my head is stuffed with wool. Like something is trying to drag me through the earth and trap me there. My friends all look up as I come in. Minnie stands and comes over to take my hand.
Roland, one of our class counsellors, waves at me. “Aurelia! Good to see you. This is our Mates of the Fallen meeting group. Are you joining us?”
I tuck a hand around my waist. “Am I allowed to?”
“It’s not just for beasts who have mates that have passed away,” Beak says quickly. “There are many types of loss.”
“That’s right,” Roland confirms. “There are other reasons why members of a pack cannot be together.”
Minnie whispers up at me. “You can just sit and listen if you like.” Shame creeps up my spine as they make space for me. They start a general chat, because I didn’t even know my friends met in a group like this.
“We’ve spoken before about how grief can come in waves,” Roland says. “Sometimes it’ll hit you harder in different seasons of your life. Other times, you might be triggered by seeing something that reminds you of that person.”
“Mine feels like it’s there all the time,” Sabrina says.
“Like a heavy jacket I can’t take off.” The group shifts.
“I didn’t know my mates when they died, so I keep wondering about what my life could have looked like.
It’s everyday things, like eating dinner or going to bed.
There’s only one toothbrush at the sink.
Only one set of clothes. Everything is triggering. ”
Beak nods in agreement. “I feel like there’s too much empty space in my life now and nothing to fill it with. Nothing can match up to my mates.”
“Nothing will replace them,” Roland agrees. “But you can certainly fill your life with positive things to—”
“That’s bullshit, Roland, and you know it,” Sabrina deadpans. “You think crochet is going to fill my time?”
“It won’t, Sabrina,” Beak says. “But we don’t get a choice. Either you let the loss make you into a living corpse or you try to spend your days doing what good you can.”
“That’s a bit harsh,” Minnie admonishes. “Do you think the surrogate program is working for you, Sabrina?”
Our leopard shrugs. “It helps, but only because I didn’t know my mates. I don’t know if it would work for beasts who knew their mates well.”
Minnie gnaws on her lip, and I watch her from the corner of my eye.
Scythe had only told me that the Devi Pack had come to save them, and Yeti had been mangled in the process, but I don’t know the details.
But there’s a dark sort of energy I’m sensing from her, and I need to know where it’s coming from.
“My rex is still rejecting me,” Stacey says, after some silence from the group. “He’s giving me all sorts of reasons, but mostly he won’t talk at all.” She gestures to her arm, and her voice grows thick. “I don’t even know if he feels bad about shooting me.”
“Would you even want to be his mate after he did that?” Beak says, his mouth twisting with distaste. “No central mate should be able to come back from hurting the people they’re supposed to look after.”
Suddenly, I want to vomit again. “Sorry,” I blurt out, shooting to my feet.
No one says anything as I make a beeline for the door, my arms around myself to stop my sudden shivering.
I shut the door behind me, and take three steps down the corridor before pressing my body against the wall and closing my eyes.
My mates are not dead. Ghoul is not dead.
Ghoul is still here. If I’d accidentally killed him, I would know; I was so careful about his injuries.
“Regina.” Strong hands wrap around me, and I know it’s Savage without looking, but I don’t feel like I deserve a hug right now.
The door opens and shuts behind me. “Aurelia?” Minnie’s trembling voice makes me whirl around again.
She clutches shaking hands in front of her and takes a deep breath.
Alarm bells ring in my mind, and I rush to her.
“I killed Titus,” she blurts out on a sob.
“I killed him for attacking Yeti and—Goddess, I think I’m going to faint again. ”
I grab her, shoving her body against mine. “Fuck, Min. I’m so sorry. Just breathe.”
Gertie, her orange nimpin, hoots a beat in Minnie’s ear, reminding her to breathe slowly. Titus is dead. I should feel relief or shock about this, but instead, I feel nothing. Like the emotions inside of me are living on fumes.
“I think Sabrina hates me now,” Minnie says, her voice muffled against my shirt.
Pulling away, I wipe her tears with my thumbs. “She hates everything at the moment. He forced your hand. She can’t understand that right now. Yeti could have died.”
“He would have,” Savage says, keeping his distance by the wall. “Titus would’ve gone for it if you hadn’t gotten between them, Min.”
Minnie lifts her head to nod at him gratefully. “I think you’re right. I just don’t like any of it.”
“Wait until you hear what I did,” I say darkly. “You should come to my meeting with Scythe. Distract yourself from your problems with my problems.”
My best friend and I smile weakly at each other. “Yeti doesn’t want visitors at the moment, otherwise I would have taken you to see him first. They’re going to have to do more surgery on his leg, and he’s mourning his foot right now.”
I grimace at the thought. Yeti was the head of the felines at the academy. Missing a foot is a death sentence for beasts in the wild. His gait will never be the same again. He’ll never be able to run properly. The Clawsons had done such horrible damage to both Minnie’s and my own family.
We walk back to the animus dorms in silence until Savage shares his thoughts with us. “Shame he can’t turn into a starfish,” my wolf sighs. “I went to see him yesterday and took a helium balloon. I drew a get-well card with a wooden stool and a smiley face.”
“Why a wooden stool?” I ask.
“Because they only need three legs.”
We make it back to our suite, where Scythe, Xander and Lyle are waiting for us.
We sit down at the table, and they tell me exactly what happened after I left with Ghoul.
The story is ghastly. The fact that my father has rounded up the children of Serpent Court and is training them up as soldiers is shocking.
Teaching them to separate their animuses and animas like he learnt to is something I never expected.
“How is he planning on using them?” Minnie asks.
Scythe and I exchange a look. “My father was willing to use me as a teenager,” I say. “I have no doubt he’ll use them in every distasteful way he can.”
“We can’t kill hatchlings,” Savage says earnestly. “That’s the problem.”
I shake myself of an awful feeling of dread. “Ghoul didn’t reveal all that much during our time…together.” I say slowly. “But it’s clear to me he’s been trying to help me for a very long time.” Everyone is quiet.
“Well, he didn’t do a very good job, did he?” Savage says angrily. “All those things you went through? Where was his help with that?”
“He was still sworn to my father,” I say calmly.
“I’ve seen the markings on his face. They are ancient enslavement markings, meaning he cannot defy, betray, or plot against my father in any way.
He can’t reveal his secrets either. What he could do was limited.
He’s been bending the rules as much as he can.
I had to—” Nausea roils up my throat again.
“I had to hurt him to make sure he wouldn’t come after me for some time. ”
“Oh, Lia,” Minnie says, squeezing my hand. She is the only person in the world who understands what I’m going through. Stacey’s face flashes in my mind for a moment, but it passes.
“It’s fine,” I lie. “I mean, I’m sure he’ll be fine, I just…He asked me if I’d kill him if we needed to.” I have to swallow. “When I told him I’d put him down if it came to it, I… saw pride in his eyes.” I look at Scythe in disbelief. “He was…proud of me.”
“That fucker,” Xander mutters.
Minnie frowns. “He’s confusing.”
“I think he gets off on being confusing,” Lyle says. “There are clearly things he knows that we don’t, Aurelia.”
I nod at my lion. “One thing is clear to me for now. We need to talk to Eugene.”