Chapter 33
Chapter Thirty-Three
Charlotte breathed deeply as she left the house. The open air provided freedom, and the tight feeling pressing against her chest was alleviated. Her cheeks ached from smiling, and her heart swelled with emotion.
It had been a busy day indeed.
And everywhere she looked, there was Nathaniel. He tormented her. She had tried her hardest to keep her distance, but the strings of fate kept pulling them together. She still felt a shadow of warmth on her hand where their fingers had brushed against each other.
During the celebration, she had glued herself to Lydia and Clara, hoping that they would serve as a good distraction. However, Charlotte found her gaze always returning to the Iron Duke, the man who had claimed a part of her.
She feared that it would always remain here with him.
But she could not.
She stared at the sky. The afternoon light had faded into a gentle dusk, and faint stars twinkled overhead. She closed her eyes and breathed in the aroma of the gardens.
Soon… soon you will be away from here, she thought.
The northern estate awaited her with the promise of solitude and study, where she could throw herself into her research and would not have to spend another moment thinking about Nathaniel.
She moved into a small glade, secluded from the rest of the estate. The plants offered a shield. She took a rubbery leaf in her fingers, feeling the smooth texture, feeling it bend under her touch. Then, she touched a tree trunk. The bark was rough to the touch, but it helped to ground her.
She closed her eyes and adopted a meditative state, although it did not last for long.
“Lady Charlotte… Charlotte.”
An emotional earthquake erupted within. Her eyes shot open. She looked over her shoulder. He stood in the glade with her, the two of them alone again, utterly separated from the rest of the world.
Charlotte took a moment to compose herself.
“Your Grace,” she said, hating the vibrato in her voice and hating the twisting knot in the pit of her stomach. She vowed that nothing untoward was going to happen.
He moved closer. She could hear the ground buckle under the weight of his feet. Then he stopped. She could not bring herself to turn yet.
“Have you tired enough of the party?”
“I wanted a breath of air. It has been a tiring day.”
“But a happy one.”
“Indeed, I have never seen Mary so overjoyed. Her heart is full, and I know she will have a good life with Lord Blackwood.”
“Yes, she will. Alfred is the same. I think he was looking for someone like Mary for a long time, and now, he has had the fortune of making her his wife. I have to admit I envy him somewhat.”
“For being married?”
“For being happy.”
A gentle smile appeared on her face.
“There are many paths to happiness, Your Grace. I’m sure that you will find one that feels natural to you.”
“Recently, I have begun to suspect that may not be true.”
“You don’t believe you will ever be happy?”
“I’m not sure that doing one’s duty and being happy go hand in hand anymore.”
“So you have accepted that duty is not enough.”
“I have. I accept that you were right, Charlotte.”
Every time he used her name rather than her title, it sent a shudder through her.
“I never thought I would hear those words. For what it’s worth, I am sorry that things with Lady Honoria did not unfold as you wished. She would have made a fine duchess.”
“She would have. But she was my mother’s choice, not my own.”
“There will be another.”
“Yes, Mother has already said as much. She intends for me to be married as soon as possible for the good of the family. We do not all have the luxury of shirking marriage.”
“I would not call it a luxury, not when so many people judge me for it.”
“They only judge you because it goes against everything we are taught.”
“We clearly received different lessons.”
“Clearly. Yet it does not seem to bother you. Was there no longing in your heart today when you saw Mary and Alfred’s union?”
Charlotte took a moment to think about her response.
“I would be lying if I said there weren’t. You are aware that our parents died, yes?”
“I am.”
“Do you know how it happened?”
“I do not.”
“They were on a research trip. They were in search of a rare flower, one that grew only high on a mountain. They were fearless, willing to take any risk if it meant they could make a scientific discovery. I always admired that. They used to tell us stories about their adventures. I found them thrilling. But this time… this time…”
She trailed away, the emotion swelling inside, choking her words.
“I assume there was an accident?” he said gently.
Charlotte nodded, blinking back tears. Even after all this time, the sorrow was potent, the tears raw.
“The locals told them that a storm was coming. My parents weren’t willing to miss out on the opportunity.
They tried to reach the plant before the storm hit.
They weren’t swift enough. It came crashing down around them.
The area they were in was flooded. I don’t know whether they drowned or whether they were swept off the mountain.
I’m not sure I want to know. The result is the same. ”
“I’m sorry to hear that. It couldn’t have been easy for you when you were given the news.”
“That is putting it mildly. We each reacted in different ways. Lydia lost herself in stories because stories always have happy endings. Edmund treats life as though nothing really matters at all.”
“And you?”
“I wanted to continue my parents’ work. I wanted to keep their spirit alive.”
“Even though it was that same spirit that got them killed?”
Charlotte turned at this point, a wry smile adorning her face.
“It was that spirit that brought them together, that made them fall in love, that resulted in us being born. All the stories and the example they set… they wanted us to learn from them. We were always taught that whenever there was a setback, we should remain intrepid. Success is only achieved when people do not give up.”
“My father shared a similar sentiment with me the first time I fell from a horse, although I’m sure your parents did not use as demanding a tone as he did,” Nathaniel said.
“I decided a long time ago that I would honor them in this way, and I remain undeterred. I will not allow anything to distract me from that goal.”
“So there truly is no desire for marriage in your heart,” Nathaniel said. Charlotte thought she detected a resigned note in his voice, but surely not.
“Not for myself. Not yet. I have other priorities.”
“Lord Winstanley will be disappointed.”
“Perhaps, but I’m sure he will recover.”
Nathaniel shifted his feet. A strange, anguished look came over his face. His hands clenched into fists for a moment. The temperature dropped. Charlotte drew her arms around her abdomen, resting her fingers against the bare skin of her forearms.
When Nathaniel spoke next, his words were clipped, his voice terse.
“And what awaits you when you publish your notes? Have you thought about what your life will be like when you achieve your ambitions?”
Charlotte shrugged.
“I suppose that depends upon the reception of my book. I hope that people will enjoy it and clamor for more. Perhaps I will be invited to give lectures on the circuit. I might even receive funding to take my own expeditions and search for rare plants.”
As she said this, Nathaniel’s eyes twitched, and he took a huge step forward, closing the distance between them. The closer he got, the more uncertain Charlotte felt. Goosebumps prickled on her skin, and it was harder to breathe.
“Even after what happened to your parents? What if something should happen to you?”
“Why is that any concern of yours?” she asked with a challenging look.
“Because I—” he started, but cut himself off. He clamped his mouth shut and glared at Charlotte.
“Because you… what?” she asked.
Nathaniel tore his gaze away.
“It doesn’t matter,” he said bitterly. “I hope you are pleased that you have clarity for the future. I’m sure it will stand you in good stead, and you will have everything you ever wanted. Please send me a copy of your book. I will make sure I find a place for it in the library.”
“I would be honored to have my work as a part of your collection,” she said. “Just make sure that Brutus doesn’t gnaw on it.”
She smiled. The tension was alleviated for the moment, but it quickly returned. There was something potent in the air, as though the world was going to shift. Nathaniel’s eyes were filled with intent, but she also got the sense that he was holding back.
Lydia’s words echoed through her mind. If this were one of Lydia’s stories, then Nathaniel would probably profess his true feelings and maybe even propose to her.
But this wasn’t that kind of story.
Nathaniel had his duty, and she had hers. She could never be the kind of duchess he required, and he would never offer her the freedom she required. If only things were different…
She pulled her gaze away and dipped her head, fearing that if she continued looking at him, she would never be able to leave.
“I should go and pack for tomorrow. Enjoy the rest of the ball, Your Grace, and thank you for your hospitality. I suppose this is farewell. If I might offer some advice?”
“Please do,” he said, although he sounded sick.
“Be patient with Clara. She is an intelligent girl, and I am sure in time she will prove to be a formidable opponent in card games, but for now, she is still a child. She is more interested in fun, not rules.”
“I shall keep that in mind.”
Charlotte ghosted past him. The heat emanating from his body contrasted sharply with the evening chill. Her heart lurched. A lump appeared in her throat.
“Charlotte,” he said. She stopped in her tracks, her heart leaping.
“Yes, Your Grace?”
“Thank you for keeping my secret. I apologize once again for my impropriety.”
“Of course, Your Grace. You can rely on my discretion. Nobody ever needs to know what transpired between us.”
A bitter feeling rose in the back of her throat. Hiding the truth made it seem as though it was something to be ashamed of, but there was no doubt in her mind now that he clung to propriety. She managed to walk away, but with every step, her feet grew heavier.
She waited for him to call her name again, for him to run after her and pull her back, to kiss her once again, and this time never stop.
But she waited in vain. She waited all the way to her room, but then she closed the door, and she knew that it was never going to happen. She packed her things. They became stained with tears. It proved impossible to stop them from falling.
Soon enough, she would be away from here, but she would never be the same again. Nathaniel had changed her forever.