Chapter 8 Broken #2
Hannah’s stomach knots in on itself. An irrational part of her worries that Baker confessed everything to her family and they locked her in her room, too shamed by her transgressions to let her come to Easter Sunday Mass.
Hannah’s heart pounds hard when it’s her family’s turn to move along the pew and join the Communion line.
She feels like the Hadleys’ eyes are on her, like the eyes of the whole congregation are on her, like they can all tell what she’s done and what she’s struggled with in her heart.
“Amen,” she says when Father Simon raises the Communion Host in front of her. And then for some reason, even though she was trained years ago in how to passively receive Communion in her palm, she reaches up to snatch the Host.
Father Simon yanks the bread higher, almost like a knee-jerk reaction. He blinks in surprise, and Hannah flushes with embarrassment, realizing her mistake. She lowers her eyes and cups her hands dutifully together, and Father Simon places the Eucharist on her palm.
She doesn’t sing the Recessional hymn. Neither does Joanie, who stands bored next to her, clearly itching to check her phone.
Father Simon, the deacon, and the altar servers retreat up the center aisle with a magnificent gold crucifix balanced precariously in the young altar server’s hands, and Hannah breathes a sigh of relief that it’s over.
Her parents file out of the pew after the song has officially ended—her mom doesn’t condone leaving before that—and she and Joanie shuffle behind them, smiling and nodding at various St. Mary’s classmates.
She spots Nathan Hadley lingering in a corner of the entrance hall, his hands in his pockets and his head down like he’s trying not to be seen. She weaves between young families and old retired couples until she reaches him.
“Nate!”
His face lights up when he sees her. “Hey, Han! Long time no see.”
He pulls her into a hug. She holds on for a second too long.
“Everything okay?” he asks, his brown eyes, so much like his sister’s, studying her carefully.
“Yeah, just haven’t seen you in a while.”
“I know, it’s been way too long. How was Destin?”
She hesitates for a split second. “Awesome. It was awesome.”
“Good. I can’t believe y’all are about to graduate.”
“Yeah. Um. Where’s Baker?”
“Sick, I guess.” He shakes his head and puts his hands back in his pockets. “She hasn’t really seemed like herself all weekend. It’s weird—she usually loves Easter Mass, but my mom tried to wake her this morning and she just kept saying she thought she was going to throw up.”
Hannah’s stomach knots in on itself again. “Oh. Jeez. I didn’t realize.”
“I think she’s just having anxiety about school. You know how worked up she gets about grades and everything. I keep telling her she needs to let loose and live a little.”
“Yeah.”
“Anyway, I’ll tell her you said hi.”
“Thanks.”
“Sure. Bye, Han.”
He turns to go find his parents, but she calls his name before she can think about it.
“Nate!”
“Yeah?”
She stares at him, tongue-tied, wishing she could tell him something that might help Baker, or wishing she could ask him how to help herself. He waits politely, his expression kind, but all she manages to say is, “It was great to see you.”
He smiles. “You too. Enjoy these last few weeks of school. They’ll be the best ones you’ll ever have.”
Saw Nate at church just now, Hannah texts when she gets home. He said you were sick. Are you okay? Can we talk about this, please?
The ellipsis bubble shows up to indicate Baker is typing her response, and Hannah holds her breath. Maybe this is what they need: Two girls who have always found refuge in the written word, now leaning on text to sort through their feelings.
But after a torturous minute, the ellipsis bubble fades. Hannah waits and waits and waits, but Baker never sends a response.
Hannah’s mom spends all afternoon cooking the Easter ham. Hannah and Joanie’s Aunt Ellie and Uncle Joel come over, towing their children, Colton and Sydney, behind them.
“We brought the green beans,” Aunt Ellie says, kissing Hannah and Joanie hello at the front door.
“And the mutants,” Uncle Joel huffs, nudging Colton and Sydney inside.
“Uncle Joel smells like beer already,” Joanie whispers, scrunching up her nose in disgust. “He better not get drunk and start interrogating Luke again.”
“Luke’s coming?” Hannah asks.
“I already told you that, but you were too wrapped up in being sick to focus on anyone else. He didn’t want to pick between his mom and dad, so Mom said he could come here.”
“He’s in for a treat,” Hannah grumbles, watching Colton and Sydney shoot water guns across the family room.
“Not in the house!” Uncle Joel yells.
“Oh, now you want to discipline them,” Aunt Ellie says.
Joanie sighs and sets Aunt Ellie’s gift of white wine on the hall table. “I’d better get a tampon. You want one?”
“Excuse me?”
“To ward off Colton. He won’t come near you with that stupid water gun if you dangle a tampon in front of his face.”
“Are you serious?”
“Didn’t you see me working that trick at Christmas? He tried to sneak-attack me, so I whipped a tampon out and told him ‘Up yours.’ He ran away screaming.”
“Oh my god, Joanie, you are insane,” Hannah says, pushing past her to take the green beans to the kitchen.
“Take the stick out of your ass, Hannah,” Joanie calls after her. “It’s Easter Fun-day.”
Luke wears a button-down shirt and a handsome navy tie to dinner, prompting Hannah’s mom and Aunt Ellie to gush over him. “Oh, Luke, you sweetheart!” Hannah’s mom says, hugging him. “You didn’t have to dress up!”
“It’s a special occasion, Mrs. Eaden.” Luke grins. “With a special family.”
“Stop.” Joanie beams, hitting him.
“Besides, how often do I get to wear a nice tie?”
“Every day at school,” Hannah mutters.
“You are correct, Han,” Luke says cheerily, “but how often do I get to wear this awesome blue tie?”
“You look great,” Joanie says, her cheeks pink. “C’mere, come say hi to my dad. He’s hiding in the office.”
“Be right back.” Luke smiles to Hannah’s mom and Aunt Ellie.
“He is just the cutest thing,” Aunt Ellie says after Joanie tugs Luke out of the kitchen. “With those curls and dimples … If I was twenty years younger, I’d pounce on him.”
“You’d have to fight Joanie,” Hannah’s mom laughs. “She’s crazy about him, huh, Han?”
“Yeah,” Hannah says half-heartedly.
“And what’s up with your love life, Miss Hannah Banana?” Aunt Ellie asks. “How’s the boy scene?”
“Oh, nothing to report,” Hannah says, averting her eyes.
“What? A beautiful girl like you?”
“She never tells me anything about it,” Hannah’s mom says. She opens the oven and places a tray of rolls inside. “Like her dad that way.”
“I tell you things,” Hannah protests.
“You tell me things about your friends,” her mom says, “but never about boys.”
“Because there’s nothing to say.”
“That’ll change in college,” Aunt Ellie says. “Boys are so much more mature by that age. And college boys are hot.”
“How about Wally, though? Hmm?” Hannah’s mom prompts. “Does he still have a crush on you?”
“We’re just friends, Mom, for the millionth time.”
“You should see the way this kid looks at her,” her mom tells Aunt Ellie. “He’s absolutely crazy about her.” She turns to Hannah and brushes her hair back behind her ears. “But Hannah’s not interested, are you, Han?”
“Is he ugly?” Aunt Ellie asks.
“No,” Hannah says exasperatedly. “We are friends. That’s it. We’re in the same group of friends and it’s great and that’s all I need. Can’t we just leave it at that?”
“Take it easy, Han, we’re just curious!” Aunt Ellie says, patting her hand over Hannah’s wrist. “Your mom and I are middle-aged and married and sometimes we like to hear about your fresh young love life!”
“I have a paper to do,” Hannah says, pushing her stool back from the counter. “I’d better start on it before dinner.”
“Make sure your sister and Luke aren’t upstairs,” Hannah’s mom says. “Joanie knows the rules.”
“Got it, Mom.”
“And put a smile on your face. I made brownies for dessert.”
“Okay,” Hannah says, already halfway toward the stairs.
She hears Aunt Ellie talking about her just before she climbs the first step. “Just as touchy as when she was little,” she says in a low voice.
“She’s not touchy,” Hannah’s mom counters. “She’s just feisty.”
Hannah feels the trace of a smile on her face, but then Colton appears and sprays her with a water gun.
“So, Luke,” Uncle Joel says through a bite of ham when they’re all seated at the table, and when Colton and Sydney have already been fed and instructed to play in the backyard, “what is it you’ll be doing this summer?
You working? You have a job? A real job?
—not just ‘working’ as a camp counselor or something prissy like that? ”
“Ease up, Joel,” Aunt Ellie says, smacking his hand.
“He’s fine,” Uncle Joel says, gesturing at Luke with his fork. “He’s not sweating through his shirt yet.”
“Well, actually,” Luke says confidently, “I won’t have time to work this summer because I’ll be training at a running camp.”
“A running camp.”
“Yes, sir. I got a track scholarship to Spring Hill, so I’m going to Alabama to start training with my coach.”
“Huh,” Uncle Joel says. “Well. That’s nice. Congratulations.”
“Thanks.”
“And what about the rest of y’all’s friends?” Aunt Ellie asks, tipping her wine glass towards Hannah, Joanie, and Luke. “Where are they going to school?”
“Our friend Wally’s going to Georgia Tech,” Luke says. “He’s way smart—like great with math—and he got a scholarship there for doing so well on the SAT.”
“Oooh,” Aunt Ellie drawls, swiveling to look at Hannah. “Wally.”
Joanie starts to laugh. “Yeah,” she says, smirking at Hannah. “Wally.”
Hannah rolls her eyes and stabs a piece of ham.
“And our friend Clay is going to LSU,” Joanie says, “and so is our friend Baker—you remember her, right? Hannah’s best friend?”
“The pretty girl?” Aunt Ellie asks. “The one with the cute little laugh?”
Hannah’s stomach starts to ache.