6
B eing in heat was sweet, torturous bliss. It meant four days of feeling all the nerve endings that lived under your skin. It meant burning up, but wanting to burn even more. It meant feeling your heartbeat between your legs. It meant feeling restless every moment of the day unless your mate was inside you.
I was still me, but without any of the normal restrictions I put on my thoughts and words. I freely reached for my mate for the first time ever, and I did so often.
“Do you still need more, sweet Penelope?” Dominic rasped as he made love to me for who knows which time during the third day, “Your mouth still tastes of the peach I fed you earlier. It’s my favorite fruit now.”
He’d said the same of the cantaloupe. And the raspberries, which he had placed on my nipples before devouring them. My insides clenched around him at the memory and he groaned, “I can’t get enough of you. Always thinking of you, always wanting to be near you.”
“Dominic,” I breathed, half out of my mind with absolutely helpless need, “Dominic, why do you hurt me?”
He stopped moving and I gasped as I was flooded with his uncertainty and fear. The tide was gone as quickly as it had come.
“Am I hurting you? Are you upset with me?”
I closed my eyes, trying to tamp down the need to grind my hips. This was a moment for conversation. I deduced that my heat lowered my inhibitions enough to finally ask my mate a darn question.
“I – no. I don’t know. Sometimes, you hurt me so badly. I just want to be a good mate to you.”
Dominic started nuzzling my mark again, and then he sank his teeth in, and without any warning whatsoever, I climaxed with him still motionless inside me.
“You are a good mate to me, Penelope. The very best. Sweet as honey,” he mumbled as he pulled away from the mark. The sight of his bloody mouth was more erotic than it should have been. The heat kept dragging me away from rational thought, and I started moving against him again.
“Dominic,” was all I was capable of saying or thinking. And judging by his feelings that now flooded me freely, he wasn’t feeling any more coherent.
◆◆◆
I moaned as the cold washcloth traveled down my neck.
“What is happening?” I asked sleepily.
I couldn’t feel him anymore.
“Gotta get you cleaned up a bit. Maybe cool you down enough so you can eat.”
“Not. Hungry.”
“Drink something, at least. You’re dehydrated. All that slickness and arousal has to come from somewhere.”
“Yeah, it comes from looking at you.”
He remained silent and I peeked through one eye just in time to see his smile. Talk about slickness and arousal. I’d die of dehydration if this continued, and I’d do it gladly.
“Eat the fruit, Penelope,” he urged as he pulled me up into a sitting position. He arranged us so that his back was against the headboard, his chest to my back, and I was nestled comfortably between his legs. We were both, of course, naked.
There was a bowl of fruit chunks in his left hand. Nectarines and peaches. As he fed me the pieces, I made sure to lick or suck his fingers every time they were near my mouth. I hummed and moaned as I did it.
“I fucking love your hair, I’m obsessed with it.”
“No cursing,” I admonished him.
“How can someone so prim and proper be so horny all the time?” Dominic asked as he licked my ear.
“You feel all that, huh?” I asked, not even capable of shame at the moment.
“I feel it every second of every day, can barely get any work done. Fuck, it’s insane.”
“I wish I didn’t feel that way,” I admitted and he froze behind me. “I wish I was as cold as you.”
He mumbled something into my hair and I soon went back to sleep.
Two days later, I could still feel a very sensual soreness in my entire body as I bent down to throw away what looked like wilted dandelions from a small glass in our bedroom.
The rest of the house was tidy and clean, I guessed Dominic took care of it while I was recovering from my heat. I only remembered bits and pieces of it, but I felt like it was a step forward in our relationship.
My wolf was ecstatic. But then again, she’s been happy with Dominic all along. He had marked her and mated with her, his wolf was extremely loving and attentive to both of us, we lived together and shared a bed, and we had sex more than regularly. She didn’t want for anything more from her mate. But I did. Luckily, I felt closer to him now. And if we became parents – no, I wouldn’t let myself think of that ahead of time. I wanted to be a mother so badly, but I had to be realistic.
I settled in on the deck with The Age of Innocence and let myself be swept away by the story. I liked May a lot, and I secretly imagined that Newland looked like Dominic. My mind drifted to my mate again.
The last time I was at the office, I saw his date of birth on some forms, and now I knew I needed to think of a birthday present for him before October. I hoped I’d get to know him well enough by then to get him a really amazing present. Our closeness during the heat seemed to have made a dent in his armor because now I’d occasionally get random little bits of his feelings a couple of times a day, and it made me very happy. I seemed to be getting through to him.
It was really too bad that he had to leave for Texas next week. I could see firsthand that this pack’s work wastruly never-ending. But it was all better now. I’d go to class, to the gym, see Isaac, host the sleepover, and he’d be back before I knew it. In a way, his absences allowed me to carve out a life for myself in the pack that wasn’t tied to him, and it was something I’d never had before.
◆◆◆
“You know who I saw at the gym two days ago?” I asked Grace as we were frosting the last batch of the muffins for the sleepover. Lynn and Charlotte were already setting up a game of Monopoly in the living room, and Margaret and Mira had yet to arrive.
“Hmm, let me guess, Theo?” she guffawed, and I joined her.
“Yes! It’s like he lives there!”
“Honestly, maybe he does.”
“It was only like my third time talking to him, which is weird. Gammas are traditionally protectors of the Luna, right? I feel like I should be interacting with him more.”
“I honestly don’t know. From what I understand, he mostly handles matters on Campus now, so maybe that’s why.”
“Yeah,” I started responding when the doorbell interrupted me.
I went and opened the door to a smiling Mira, who held a tray of delicious-smelling lasagna. “Welcome!”
“Thank you! I made lasagna,” she announced as she set the tray down on the dining room table.
“It smells amazing,” Charlotte called from the living room.
“Is everyone here already?” Mira wondered.
“We’re still waiting for Margaret, but she should be here any minute. Make yourself comfortable, there’s tea and lemonade in the living room,” I told her.
“Can I help with anything?”
“No, thanks. Grace is frosting the very last muffin right now and then we’re all moving to the couch,” I grinned as I smoothed her hair away from her face, “Is this a new haircut?”
“It is! I went to the new place near Campus, Edoardo’s?”
I shook my head to indicate I’d never heard of the place. Back home, Nana always cut my hair, and she did it every three months so I wasn’t really familiar with different salons there or here.
“Oh, he’s amazing,” Grace joined in. “But it’s so difficult to get an appointment.”
“I may have helped his niece when she was at the hospital, so he gave me the option to schedule one appointment whenever I wanted, and I chose today. I just felt like a little pampering.”
“Hard day at work?” Lynn asked knowingly, and Mira just nodded.
All healthcare workers seemed to share an understanding about the nature of their job which the rest of us just couldn’t comprehend in the same way. Someone knocked on the door, and soon Grace came back with a frazzled-looking Margaret.
“Is everything okay?” Mira asked immediately as Margaret plopped down on the couch and closed her eyes.
“I sort of need your help.”
When no one responded, she opened her eyes and continued while looking at her hands, “I was at the office, going through the letters I got for this month’s column, and one gave me pause. I have no idea what to tell the poor female, so I wanted to maybe look at it together?”
I knew I shouldn’t feel happy because this was obviously a desperate letter, but I was simply too excited about being involved in the legendary magazine’s work.
“Lay it on us,” Charlotte said with a determination that surprised me from the normally easy-going female.
Margaret took an envelope out of her purse, pulled out the letter, and handed it to Charlotte, who was briefly stunned, but then cleared her throat and started reading:
Dear Margaret,
My life is in absolute shambles and I don’t know what to do. You are my last hope since I've been getting all kinds of conflicting advice from the wolves around me, and it hasn't made things any easier. In addition to that, my wolf is suffering greatly and her pain is clouding my judgement.
I am a 22-year-old female. When I visited my cousin’s new pack (through mating) last month, I discovered that my mate is a 27-year-old male who lives there. He is a good friend of my cousin’s mate, and our initial meeting happened at their house.
Our packs are very far apart geographically, and it was almost impossible for our paths to cross before this. My mate wanted to mark me immediately, but luckily my cousin stepped in and insisted on explaining the situation to me first. Turns out that my mate has been living with a widowed female from their pack for the last 3 years and has even fathered a pup with her.
Everyone in the room gasped. Margaret just closed her eyes, looking even more tired than before.
My cousin told me that the entire pack knew about their relationship and begrudgingly tolerated it when they saw how in love they were. I come from a pack where this behavior would absolutely not be allowed to stand. One of them would be forced to leave, and there is no way they would be allowed to live together in an illegitimate mating, but I guess things are different here.
“I wonder which pack it is,” I breathed. “Sorry, continue.”
Now my so-called mate is insisting that he made a mistake, that he confused carnal desires with love, and that, after meeting me, there is no way he can carry on with her.
She, on the other hand, wants to fight me for him.
My cousin’s mate refuses to talk to her because she meddled in his friend’s affairs and prevented him from trapping me with his mark. Their mating is in a really bad place because of me and I feel horrible.
Currently, my cousin and I are both staying in their Alpha’s guest housing, away from our mates, waiting for this problem to be resolved. The King has been notified and will be coming to the pack to review the matter and mediate between all the parties involved.
My family has been notified and they came to my cousin’s pack as well, and I am overwhelmed by all the conflicting advice I’ve been getting. My mate’s parents and friends have been hounding me to forgive him, to give the bond a chance. “You only have one mate,” and “everyone makes mistakes,” they keep telling me.
My parents are furious with him and his pack, but they also don’t want me to be alone for the rest of my life. They want to find a way for us to overcome this. My cousin is the only one who says she wants me to make an informed decision I can live with, and I believe she will support me even if it comes at the cost of her own mating. I am in awe of her strength and integrity. I already loved her like a sister before all this, but now I’d lay down my life for her.
The King will probably ask me what I want, and I still don’t know what to tell him.
When I’m around my mate, of course, all I want to do is lose myself in him. My wolf loves him and blames the other female. My wolf wants to tear her apart, but I don’t think I want to orphan an innocent pup.
Besides, we’d have to raise him then, and I really can’t spend my life looking at a living, breathing reminder of my mate’s disregard for my existence.
On the other hand, I cannot love and respect him or conceive new pups with him while knowing that he is neglecting the one that he already has.
You see my conundrum. You are the expert, Margaret. Please help me deal with this somehow, help me make a decision.
Yours truly,
Lost and Heartbroken
Charlotte finished reading, then neatly folded up the papers and returned them into the envelope, which she wordlessly handed back to Margaret.
No one said anything for a while.
“Shit,” Grace whispered.
“Yeah,” Margaret replied.
“What are you going to tell her?” I asked.
My heart was hurting for that poor female.
“I really don’t know,” Margaret admitted. “I’d like to talk this out with you all.”
“Sure,” Grace said. “Tell her to ditch the asshole.”
“But he’s her mate,” I countered. “What is she going to do? As long as they both live, there will be a bond between them. What if he follows her to her pack?”
“The King can command him to stay put,” Mira suggested.
“But what if she regrets her decision?” Lynn asked.
“That’s always a possibility, whether she forgives him or leaves him,” Charlotte pointed out. “I think it’s better if she regrets not having a permanent mark on her neck. And how would she deal with the pup and his mother?”
“Yeah, that’s the biggest issue for me,” I said. “She’d always have to see the pup and his mother. Plus, the mother wants to fight her.”
“I hate that she considers the pup a reminder of her mate’s behavior when her mate’s stupid face is right there,” Grace grumbled.
“I don’t think I could live with myself if I told her what to do,” Margaret admitted, “This feels so above my pay grade; it’s laughable to consider me capable of giving advice on this.”
“Why don’t you just lay out her options for her in a clear, concise manner? Maybe that is all she needs to make her decision, a bit of clarity,” I suggested.
“Okay, let’s try that.”
Almost an hour later, Margaret had drafted a response.
Dear Lost and Heartbroken,
first of all, let me express how angry I am on your behalf that something that was supposed to be a beautiful time in your life has forever been tainted by the choices of others.
When I suggested using the word “sad,” Margaret had informed me that anger was a good, protective emotion, which I’d never heard before. I was always taught to avoid it.
My utmost respect and admiration go out to your cousin. She is the type of support every female needs in their corner. I hope her mate will soon realize how valuable a wolf like that is, and that she will be kind enough to forgive his stupidity and male pride.
You probably already know this, but no one can tell you what to do. I can only show you the two paths before you, illuminate them a little so you can see better. The choice, however ironic that sounds in the matter of fated mates, rests with you.
Should you choose to enter into a relationship with your mate, keep in mind the following:
He comes equipped with a pup and that pup’s mother, who will probably be a source of problems for your mating.
Are you sure that he will remain faithful with her always around, unwilling to let him go?
Are you sure he will set boundaries for her in order to protect you and your relationship?
Are you sure you will be able to handle feeling whatever it is he feels for her now? Maybe even seeing memories of their years together?
You will not be the mother of his firstborn, nor will you be his first in many other things.
You will either have to remain in the pack that allowed you to be disrespected by your mate (they all knew of your existence, even if they didn’t know you personally), or move elsewhere and have to handle the logistics of your mate still staying in touch with his pup somehow.
Should you choose to leave your mate behind, keep in mind the following:
Unless his Alpha or the King commands him not to, he can follow you across the country, and he can mark you against your will. It is a heinous crime, but it has been known to happen.
Your romantic relationship options will be: unmated wolves who don’t care that they have a mate out there (I already know you wouldn’t want such a male), widowed wolves who don’t care that you have a living mate (probably not many of those out there, and if there are, they probably don’t share your worldview either), or humans, which is just ridiculous.
In essence, you’d be sentencing yourself to a lonely existence without a male or pups, which is fine as long as it’s a choice you make consciously, with all the information available to you.
This choice basically boils down to what you can live with. What will be the least painful option? I am sorry that these are the only choices available to you, and I am sorry that someone else’s selfishness wrecked your world.
I hope you’ll find peace and happiness someday. Please let me know what you’ve decided.
All my love,
Margaret
“Sounds great,” Lynn said, and we all just sank into the couch, each lost in her own thoughts.
“Let’s just hope she’s not a codependent personality. Otherwise, all of this has been in vain,” Margaret said, her mouth full of cupcake.
She ate like someone who’d been through an ordeal and needed to replenish a lot of energy.
“What’s a codependent personality?” I asked, never having heard the term before.
She finished chewing as she tilted her head left and right like she was trying to find the proper words to explain it to me.
“It’s someone who wants and needs to fix other people’s problems, who will sacrifice themselves in order to fulfill someone else’s needs; someone who suppresses their own emotions and feels worthless unless they’re needed by the other person in the relationship. Such behaviors are learned, and they affect one’s ability to have healthy, mutually satisfying relationships.”
I felt like someone was squeezing my throat and making it hard for me to breathe.
“How would I know if I was being codependent?” I asked quietly and I could feel all eyes on me.
Margaret sat up.
“I can ask you some questions if you want, but first, may I ask why you’re asking me that?”
I looked down at the rug I spent months weaving, back in another lifetime.
“What you just described as codependent sounds a lot like what I thought love was supposed to be. And to hear you portray it as something negative was really disconcerting,” I finally admitted.
“Okay,” she said gently. “I’ll bring you a list of questions tomorrow and if you answer ‘yes’ to most of them, then we’ll talk more, alright?”
I just nodded.
“It’s just... Things with Dominic have been weird. At first, I didn’t know they were weird, but now I’m starting to wonder,” I trailed off.
“Can you tell us a bit more?” Mira asked.
So I did. I told them about how we met, my first months in the pack, I talked about Father and Eden, Cassie and Heather, and Dominic’s cold attitude towards me outside the bedroom.
“What we need is a plan,” Lynn said, “things you can do to get closer to him. Like planning a date, bringing him lunch at the office, and so on. I agree that you two haven’t been off to a great start, but so far, he hasn’t done anything really... bad or cruel, right?”
She looked around the room.
Margaret nodded thoughtfully, “Yes, he’s been cold and distant, but he was grieving and this was an unexpected second chance mating. And we all know how big and busy this pack is, so I do believe he has a lot of work to do, especially if he was slacking during his grieving period.”
I hadn’t even thought of that.
“So you really think this can be improved?“ I asked, hopeful.
“I think so,” Margaret said. “Just try the things Lynn suggested, and if they don’t work, we’ll hammer out a new plan during our next sleepover,” she grinned with all the confidence in the world and I felt excited.
“Since we’re in a sharing mood,” Grace sighed and looked up at the ceiling. “My heat is coming up in two weeks, and I’m freaking out.”
No one said anything. Last time, she shared that she was still pupless five years into their union, so we all could imagine what the source of the freaking out was.
“What I failed to mention last time was that I have no problem getting pregnant,” she admitted in what was almost a whisper. “It’s that I can’t seem to stay pregnant. I almost don’t want to try anymore,” she concluded as a tear slid down her face.
Charlotte, who was sitting next to her, wordlessly took her hand in both of hers.
“Whatever we say will not take away your pain,” Mira said solemnly, “but we are here for you. Through the good and the bad, whatever you need.”
“Thanks,” Grace sniffed and wiped her face with the back of her hand.
◆◆◆
We were on our final trip in Lenox, MA, a small town that could be described as a beautiful, giant, carefully curated park. We’d visited The Mount, Edith Wharton’s home, got a sandwich from a popular deli, had a tour through the Ventfort Hall Gilded Age Mansion and Museum, and were now sitting on the grass in Lilac Park, discussing The Age of Innocence, and I was fuming.
Everyone was trying to make Newland and Olenska into this amazing, star-crossed couple when they were nothing but two cheaters! A female from the New York pack, I think her name was Tiffany, went on a tirade about gender socialization and subverting societal expectations and all I could think was that Ellen was a harlot who needed to keep her hands to herself. And with her cousin’s man! Theresa would never do something like that to me.
“Does Penelope the Weaver have something to add?” Prof. Bell asked playfully, a knowing glint in his eye.
It was obvious to him that I was bursting at the seams with righteous indignation, but he also knew that I hadn’t spoken a word in class since the beginning.
“I actually do,” I said primly. “I don’t understand why Newland is looking down on May for being the product of the very society he and all the males around him exalt so much. He pities her for being what circumstances made her, whereas she’s done nothing wrong. All she did was do exactly what was expected of her, since when is that a bad thing? Or is it only a bad thing when she doesn’t do what is expected of her by us ?”
Everyone was silent. I lifted my chin, not wanting them to see how mortifying it was for me to vomit up all my thoughts in front of all of them.
“Ms. Hedge makes an excellent point. We compliment Countess Olenska for acting like a woman of our time, for breaking the mold, for defying the conventions that were in place more than a hundred years ago. Yet, what would we say if our conventions right now were more in line with May’s behavior? This is definitely something to think about, not only when reading but also when judging others. We're all the product of our environment, which we, by default, believe is the right way to live. But is it?”
On the bus, on the drive back, when most of my friends had fallen asleep, I took out the questionnaire Margaret had brought over two days after the sleepover. The ink on it was starting to fade from how many times I’d touched it since then. I only left it alone when Dominic was in the house with me.
Do you keep quiet to avoid arguments?
Are you always worried about others’ opinions of you?
Have you ever lived with someone who hits or belittles you?
Are the opinions of others more important than your own?
Do you have difficulty adjusting to changes at work or home?
Do you feel rejected when significant others spend time with friends?
Do you doubt your ability to be who you want to be?
Are you uncomfortable expressing your true feelings to others?
Have you ever felt inadequate?
Are you confused about who you are or where you are going with your life?
Do you have trouble saying “no” when asked for help?
Do you have trouble asking for help?
The questions kept haunting me, and my resounding “yes” to most of them even more so.
◆◆◆
By the end of August, it was clear that I wasn’t pregnant. The knowledge was a blow, despite all my mental preparations. That voice deep inside me that I used to label “ugly” scolded me for getting this upset over a single failed heat, especially when I compared the experience to what Grace must have been going through for the last five years, but I couldn’t help it.
I pretended to be strong the whole day, but as the sun was setting, it was as if a dam inside me had burst, and the tears just wouldn’t stop.
I wasn’t sobbing or anything. I was sitting on the bed, and they kept flowing. I didn’t understand why Dominic burst into the room like I was being murdered.
“What happened?!” he gasped.
He seemed to have run home from the pack house.
“I’m not pregnant,” I said in a calm tone.
“Okay, but what happened?”
“I’m not pregnant,” I repeated, frowning.
“Why are you crying? What happened?”
“I didn’t get pregnant during my heat!” I yelled as I stood up and fisted my hands at my sides.
His head jerked back as if I’d pushed him.
“That’s why you’re crying?”
“Yes,” I said and I started sobbing.
I held my face in my hands as my shoulders shook, and I felt Dominic’s heat envelop me as he pulled me into a hug. It felt as if a hot mug of mint tea was hugging me.
“You scared me, sweet peach,” he rumbled into my hair, and despite my distress, I arched into him when I heard the endearment. “I thought you were being attacked or something.”
I shook my head no.
“Are you really that upset just because you wanted to be pregnant?” he asked in a puzzled tone, like it was out of the realm of the possible.
“Yes, darn it! I’ve always wanted to be a mother, why is that so unbelievable?”
He seemed sheepish for a moment, and then he said, “Well, we never talked about it.”
“We never talk about anything!” I snapped and his mouth tightened. “You’re my mate, of course I want your pups!”
His mouth was suddenly on mine, and it took me a minute to respond, but when I did, I matched his urgency.
He had gotten a haircut at the beginning of the month, but now it was getting long again, and I reveled in the way my hands felt buried in his hair. Especially when said head was between my legs like it was now.
He tired me out and I didn’t even remember falling asleep, but when I stirred at some point during the night, it was pitch black outside. I could smell him everywhere. Since my heat, he’d acquired the habit of rubbing some of his release into my skin every time we made love. I loved it when he did that, it made me feel like his.
I went to the bathroom to relieve myself and brush my teeth, and when I came back, he pulled me onto him and started kissing me as I sat astride on top of him.
“I love your hair,” he spoke into my mouth as the curtain of my hair around us made the dark even darker.
“Dominic,” I helplessly moaned into his mouth as I rubbed my face against his stubble, “please, I need -”
“I know, I know. I will take care of you Penelope, I will give you what you need, you just have to be patient with me, can you do that for me, sweetness?”
“Yes, yes,” I chanted mindlessly as I chased my pleasure, and soon we were both lost to the world.
I woke up with a gasp and sat up on the bed. What had woken me was a pang of terrible anguish, and it wasn’t mine.
Dominic .
I jumped out of bed and pulled my nightgown on. When I opened the bedroom door, I heard voices, and I stealthily approached the floating staircase to see what was happening. Someone opened a window downstairs. Dominic probably reeked of me as much as I reeked of him right now.
“She would have been 2 today,” Heather sniffed. “I just thought we could celebrate it somehow.”
“It’s a nice thought, but I really don’t have the time.”
“Oh, okay. How’s everything, how do you feel?”
“Why? About what?”
“I know a lot has changed for you lately, and I just wanted to make sure you’re okay.”
“Everything’s fine.”
“I know your new mating was unexpected,” she said tentatively, and when Dominic didn’t respond, she added, “And she’s nothing like Cassie.”
There was the anguish again.
Then my mate scoffed and said, “You got that right.”
I don’t know how I made it back into the bedroom. My heart was pounding in my ears. My eyes kept darting around the room. I had the almost irresistible urge to flee the house. Suddenly, two strong hands were holding me.
“Penelope, what is it? Are you alright?”
Don’t let him know what you heard, the angry voice urged. I squeezed my eyes shut and thought about my failed pregnancy. I forced myself into the mindset of last night.
Dominic’s eyes softened and he hugged me again.
“I’ll be back in a minute, will you be alright?”
I just nodded. He went to probably send Heather on her merry way and I got dressed as quickly as I could.
“I just remembered I made plans with your mother’s friends,” I yelled out and ran down the stairs. Heather was lingering at the door, clearly not wanting to leave.
“Hi, Heather,” I even managed a small smile at their confused faces. “Vera is waiting for me, I’ll see you later,” I told Dominic and left before he could get a word in.
When dr. Jackson opened her office door, her eyes widened in surprise, and her nose scrunched slightly.
“I’m sorry about that, I didn’t have time to shower.”
She pressed her lips together, clearly suppressing a smile.
“Please come in, Luna. What can I do for you?”
“I need you to teach me how to block my feelings from my mate,” I said and squared my shoulders as I sat down across from her.
“Well, I did not expect to hear that,” she admitted.
Then she smiled a somewhat mischievous smile and said, “Alright.”