Chapter Twenty-Three
I feel sick.
Like I want to vomit, sick.
My body tenses when Colt looks at me, shaking his head while I inadvertently begin stepping back away from him.
How could he do this to me?
And with her?
How long’s this been going on behind my back?
My whole world is crashing down around me.
I can’t hear anything except for the ringing in my ears.
I know I’m breathing too fast because I’m hyperventilating.
My back meets the wall, and I slide down to the floor.
I can’t focus on anything.
My head is spinning.
Colt and Jessi.
Jessi and Colt.
No wonder he’s not sleeping with me.
Fuck!
I slam my palm into my forehead and keep striking myself so that at least I can feel something, anything, but the pain ripping through my heart right now.
There’s commotion around me, but I’m not paying any attention.
I can’t bring myself to focus.
Someone pulls my hand away from my head, and I burst into tears.
“He never loved me!” I scream, then bang the back of my head against the wall.
The pain is severe.
My life—my old life—flashes before my eyes for no reason.
“Dee.” I hear my name, but I don’t take any notice.
“Dee,” someone yells.
I can’t think.
I can’t feel.
This!
This is my breaking point.
It’s been coming for a while, and I have finally snapped.
Slap.
Someone slaps me hard across the face.
Well shit!
My eyes clear and then focus on Anna, who’s looking at me with tears in hers.
“Dee, hun. Snap the fuck out of it,” she exclaims as I try to concentrate on her face.
The room is empty except for Anna, and as my breathing slows, my heartbreak overwhelms me.
“Dee, talk to me,” Anna says as she rubs my cheek in a comforting move.
“He n-never loved me,” I whisper.
“Sweetie, if you saw how he reacted just then, you’d know he does,” she replies.
My bottom lip quivers. “If Colt loves me, then why isn’t he here telling me why he’s fucking her?” I ask as Anna sits next to me and puts her arm around my shoulders, pulling me to her tightly.
“I don’t think he’s fucking Jessi. I don’t know for sure, but I highly doubt it.
What I don’t doubt is that he cares about you.
Dee, it took Hux, Dingo, and Johnny to get him out of here when you were panicking.
The only reason he’s not here is that they need to be on stage, which is where he is now, but he wasn’t going to do it.
He wanted to stay, but I told him to give you some space and to talk to you after the concert.
The band couldn’t keep their fans waiting any longer, and you needed to come back to Earth.
We didn’t know how long that was going to take.
As it is, the guys are about halfway through their set now, and you’re still not fully with me, are you? ”
My heart rate and my breathing are slowly returning to normal. With creased brows, I look at Anna as she wipes the tears away from my cheeks.
“I know you’re struggling, hun. But if it makes you feel any better, he is too,” she says.
Sia walks in. “How’s she doing?”
Anna puts her hand out, tilting it from side to side in a so-so gesture.
“I’m okay,” I say.
Sia smiles but doesn’t say anything more, then hurries out the door.
“You think you can get up?” Anna asks.
“I’m sorry about all that. I knew this was coming, but I never expected it to slap me in the face quite that hard.”
Anna stands, then places her hands out to help pull me up.
I feel horrible.
I’m exhausted.
Miserable.
“If that were Johnny walking in like that with her, I would’ve reacted the same.” The way she looks at me tells me so much. “You wanna catch the end of the show? I know Colt will be happy to see you there,” she says, looking at me with her brows furrowed.
“I’ll come backstage, but I’ll stand out of the way. He doesn’t need the distraction,” I reply.
She takes my hand, and we weave our way toward the back of the stage, moving quickly.
The music is solid, but something’s off.
Colt’s voice.
It’s not bad—his voice could never be bad—but something is missing. The usual fire, the raw energy that pulls the crowd in. Instead, his voice carries a weight, a quiet melancholy that sinks into every note.
And it’s my fault.
His fans are here for him, but tonight, they’re getting a shadow of the man they came to see. And it is because of me.
The realization twists in my gut, leaving me hollow.
I stand at the back as Anna walks over to the side of the stage, smiles, and then waves to Johnny.
I lean against a railing, looking down at the floor, scuffing my Converse, and generally moping.
This life—this rock star life—is more complex than I thought it would be, and right now, I have no idea what I want.
An arm wraps around my shoulders. Jared’s next to me with that salacious, stupid-arse grin spread across his stupid, damn face. I roll my eyes and shrug out of his grip.
“Hey! I’m just trying to help you out,” he states, and I scowl.
“Since when do you ever want to help anyone but yourself?” I snap, my somber mood somehow replaced with irrefutable anger.
“Dee, look… I like you. You’re a cool chick.
But you should know that Colt is starting to let you go.
Think about it. He’s spending more time with the band and their agent than with you.
You’ve gotta wake up and smell the roses because you’re losing him.
You should cut your losses and run. I mean, you never really thought it was the real deal with him, did you? ”
Jared’s words hit like a sledgehammer, knocking the air from my lungs. My heart clenches, then shatters, imploding on itself.
He’s right.
I know he is.
But knowing doesn’t make it hurt any less.
I look up at Jared, my vision blurred, and nod once.
It’s small, sharp, final.
Then, without a word, I turn and walk out. The back doors swing shut behind me, sealing me off from everything inside.
I am broken.
I should have never agreed to any of this.
Deep down, I knew this was doomed from the start. We come from two different worlds—ones that were never meant to collide.
I walk, barely aware of the road beneath my feet, hailing a cab on instinct alone. The driver takes me to the Rutherford Regent Hotel, where I move through the motions like a ghost. Once I am inside our suite, I sink onto the edge of the bed, staring at our suitcases.
Sitting side by side.
Still together.
Just like we should be.
I am numb.
I should be crying.
But there’s nothing.
No anger.
No hate.
No resentment.
Just an aching emptiness swallowing me whole. And the crushing weight of knowing that I’m about to walk away from the love of my life.
For what feels like an eternity, I sit there, staring at the suitcases.
Side by side.
Still packed.
Still waiting.
The silence wraps around me, thick and suffocating, my mind drifting in a dreamlike haze until the sharp buzz of my phone startles me.
I pull it from my pocket, blinking at the screen. Anna.
Beautiful, loyal, gorgeous Anna.
My chest tightens. I’ll miss this woman more than I can put into words. I hope we can stay in touch and catch up when she’s back in London. But deep down, I know things won’t ever be the same.
With a sigh, I place the phone on the bed, letting it ring out.
The room falls silent again. A few seconds of quiet before—
Buzz.
Anna. Again.
I swallow, watching the screen, but I don’t move to pick it up. I let it ring out.
More silence.
Then—Buzz.
A third time.
I huff, rolling my eyes as I grab the phone and slide my finger across the screen to answer.
“Anna.”
“Dee, are you there?” she says, sounding panicked.
“I’m here,” I reply.
She blows out a breath with relief. “Oh, thank God. Where are you?”
“I’m going home, Anna,” I say, my voice completely void of emotion.
“What do you mean?”
“Colt doesn’t need me or want me. I was kidding myself, thinking that he could love me. I’m such an idiot.” I stand and walk over to my luggage, taking the handle in my free hand.
“You are not an id—”
“Where is she? Is that her?” Colt is barking in the background, effectively interrupting her.
The phone sounds muffled, then Anna comes back on the line.
“Dee, you love Colt, you know you do, and deep down in your heart, you know he loves you too. Are you really going to throw that all away? Are you going to let Jessi-the-slag win and get her hands on the one person you love most in this world?”
“If he wants Jessi, then he’s welcome to her.
I’m done. I don’t want sloppy seconds, thirds, thousands, or however many times he’s had her.
They’ll be great together.” I end the call, knowing I am being childish, but I can’t help myself.
As I pace the floor, my anger simmers, and my breathing becomes quick and shallow.
I’m infuriated, and all I want to do is break something.
“Ahhh,” I scream at the top of my lungs.
I walk over to the television remote and throw it as hard as I can against the wall. It smashes in half, and I watch it break, then tinkle in parts like rain to the floor.
I want more.
Picking up the nightstand lamp, I throw it against the wall, and it shatters. Laughter escapes me in a rush of manic excitement. So I pick up the other and throw that one as well.
I am officially going insane!
This must be what it feels like when you go crazy.
But it doesn’t stop me.
My eyes focus on the large-screen television, but then I think better of it as tears fall down my cheeks.
I’ve seriously lost reality.
I look around the room at the destruction.
How can one person make me feel like this?
Sitting on the bed, I wipe my eyes. Then, the realization of this entire situation hits me.
I love him.
I have to fight!
The thought of losing Colt drives me crazy, literally.
How can I give up on him?
I pick up my phone and dial Anna, who answers on the second ring. “Dee, where are you? Are you okay?” She is clearly panicking.
“I’m fine. I’ll meet you at the club for the after-party,” I say, then end the call abruptly.