32. Scarlett
Did I even want to find out why the parents who abandoned me went on to have a lovely life together? Was there something wrong with me? They looked at little baby Scarlett and thought, nope; we don’t like her. Let’s trade her in and get one we do like. Or four more we actually like.
My stomach was churning with bile and I pressed a fist to my lips to hold back the scream.
“Scarlett.”
Fuck. I spun back to see Rhett standing there, his hands in his pockets and that flat expression on his face. “I’m fine,” I lied.
“I can tell her to go, if that’s what you need. I can make sure she never comes back, never goes near you again, if that’s what you need.”
I clenched and unclenched my hands a few times. More than anything, I was fighting the urge to run into his arms, to throw myself at him and just bury my head in his chest and sob it out. But I was deathly afraid that if I did that, I’d never fucking stop, so instead I just shook my head and stared at him mutely.
“Okay. How about you take a deep breath?”
I did.
“Now another.”
I did.
“And one more.”
I did.
“Good girl. Now tell me what you need.”
Why was that so incredibly soothing? Just tell me what you need and I’ll make it happen. My mind stopped thrashing around, my heart rate settled a bit, and I unclenched my fists. “I think I need to know.”
“Okay.”
“But not by myself.”
He smiled ruefully, maybe just as surprised as I was at how much I was relying on him these days. “Also okay.”
Smoothing my hands over my yoga pants, I straightened my shoulders. “Let’s go, then.”
Opening the door, he ushered me back into the room. Laura hadn’t moved from her seat, but she looked pale and on the verge of tears.
I climbed onto the bed, sitting cross-legged, with my arms folded. Rhett took a seat at the little table again, just out of Laura’s line of sight. A million questions burned on the tip of my tongue - why did you do it? Did you consider keeping me? Did you ever regret your decision? But when I opened my mouth, a different inquiry tumbled out, one born of desperation and decades of loneliness.
“Did you... did you ever think about me? Over the years, I mean?”
The anguish that flickered across Laura’s face in that moment was like a physical blow. “Every single day,” she whispered, her voice thick with emotion. “Not a day went by that we didn’t wonder about you, didn’t ache to know you were happy and loved and safe in the world.”
“Why...” My voice cracked, and I had to pause to collect myself. “Why did you do it then? Give me up, I mean? If you thought about me so much?”
She bit her lip as she blinked back tears.
“I wanted to keep you more than anything. But I was just a kid myself back then, still in high school. When I found out, I knew straight away that a termination was out of the question for me. So I hid the pregnancy for as long as I could. Dragging out the inevitable, really. My parents were... well, let’s just say they weren’t understanding or supportive people. When they finally realized I was pregnant, they were horrified. Completely beside themselves with shame and anger. They gave me two choices - keep the baby and live on the streets, or give you up for adoption. Those were my only options in their eyes.”
My heart clenched painfully as I listened to her story. All this time, I’d imagined she’d just tossed me aside like trash. But the real deal was way worse - she’d been backed into a corner by her shitty parents, forced to make impossible choices that ripped her apart.
“There was no way I could bring you up on the streets, all on my own, so I had no choice. If I wanted you to survive, I had to give you up.” She swallowed heavily. “I hoped and prayed you would go to a loving family who could give you all the things I couldn’t at the time. A real home, parents who adored you, every opportunity in the world. That’s all I ever wanted for you.”
Well, that was awkward as fuck. What was I meant to say to that? Maybe things had been great before Tyler was born, but they sure as shit went downhill after that. For me, at least. Still, it seemed only fair to say, “I’ve had a good life,” because in lots of ways, I had. But now, I had another burning question. “Will you please tell me about my father? How did you meet?”
Laura’s lips curved into a soft smile. “Ethan was... he was a light in the darkness, to be honest. We were both going through such a hard time. He was bouncing between foster homes and I was locked so tight in with my family and their church that I felt like I couldn’t breathe. For a little dash of irony, we actually met at church. My parents were super strict evangelicals, and I’m sure they never expected their daughter to be thoroughly compromised there. Maybe that added to their horror.”
“That makes sense.”
She paused, her gaze growing distant as she lost herself in the memories. “He was always so kind, so gentle. He had this way of making me feel safe, even when everything else in my life was falling apart. He was so excited when I told him about you, Scarlett. Sure, he was terrified, like I was, but he wanted nothing more than to be a family with you and me.”
Laura’s voice hitched, and she took a moment to drag in a shuddering breath. “At the time, I was na?ve enough to think we actually had a chance and for a little while there, I was really, really happy. You were our perfect little secret.”
I swallowed hard, my own eyes stinging as I listened to her story. “What happened?”
“It got so that we could no longer keep it a secret. As I said, my parents didn’t take it well. Before I knew it, I was being dragged interstate, to North Carolina. My Mom stuck close to me while I waited for you to be born. And of course, it wasn’t like cell phones were a big thing, or the internet. So I had no way of reaching Ethan to tell him what was going on. My Dad did, though.”
“Fuck.”
“Yeah, exactly. My Dad and my two older brothers went after him with a shotgun. Told him I’d miscarried, and that I’d seen sense and didn’t want to be with him anymore. And just to really ram it home, if he ever came anywhere near me ever again, they’d shoot him on sight. And I’d be locked in the basement for the rest of my life.”
“Jesus.”
“Maybe if Jesus had actually been involved, it wouldn’t have turned out like that.” Her laugh was bitter and I can’t say I blamed her.
“So then, what happened?”
“I was allowed to hold you in my arms for all of ten minutes before they took you away. Then I was dragged back to Tennessee and expected to go on like nothing had ever happened. Back to high school. To church. To family dinners. That lasted until I turned eighteen. I packed up and moved as far away as I could from my asshole family. I mean, that wasn’t exactly far. I had no money, no job, barely any clothes and no place to live. So I walked into the next big town, where I slept on the streets for a few weeks, until a lady from a woman’s shelter found me.”
Laura’s story was utterly compelling, and I hung on her every word. Maybe Rhett did too, because he’d barely moved since she started talking.
“You were okay after that, then?”
“Not straight away, but it did start getting better, yes. I got a job, a stable place to live, and started saving my own money. There were two huge holes in my heart, though, and getting through every day was a struggle. Heck, even just remembering to breathe was hard work sometimes.” Even though I could tell it was hard for her to keep going, I had to know. “So how’d you and Ethan find each other again after all that time?”
“It was totally by chance, actually. I was just flipping through TV channels at the diner I worked at and saw a story about a house fire over in Knoxville. Turns out, Ethan had rushed into the burning building and saved a whole family. Risked his life, got bad smoke inhalation and all.”
She shook her head, still seeming to be amazed by it. “I couldn’t believe my eyes when I saw him being interviewed. My Ethan, my brave, awesome Ethan - he was alive and still helping people, just like I remembered. My heart practically stopped right then and there.”
“I bet.”
Laura took a deep breath before going on. “I knew I had to reach out to him, no matter how much time had passed or…or everything else. Bearing in mind that at that point, I didn’t know what my family had told him, didn’t know he thought I’d miscarried. I was terrified of what he would do or say. That love we had, I could never let it go completely. So I tracked him down and, uh, hoped against all hope that he’d be able to forgive me.”
I watched as her eyes got all watery with the memories. “And he did,” she said, her voice cracking a little. “Of course he did. He’d never forgotten about me or... or you, Scarlett. Not for a single second. We talked for hours that first time. Catching up on everything, filling in all those blank years. Ethan told me about how my dad and brothers chased him away with a shotgun, and how he spent weeks looking for me before giving up, because he thought I was gone for good. He said it nearly destroyed him. Of course, I had to tell him about you, which, you know, nearly destroyed him all over again. He was so cut up that I’d gone through all that on my own, but I didn’t blame him. How could I?”
She shook her head; her smile a little shaky. “After that first visit, we were inseparable again, just like no time had passed. We dated for a couple of years before finally getting married.”
Laura let out a soft little laugh. “I think we would’ve tied the knot a lot sooner, but Ethan was all about doing things ‘the right way’ for me. Always such a gentleman, my Ethan.”
“And that’s when you had your other kids?” I asked gently, when she went quiet for a minute.
She nodded, brushing away some more tears. “Yep, that’s right. Four amazing babies to make up for the one we lost way back when.” Laura looked at me with adoration shining in her eyes. “Not that any of them could ever replace you, our first.”
Fuck, those words hit me right in the heart. And guts. The sincerity in them, the pure, open emotion - it was almost too much for me to handle. Years of feeling lonely and abandoned had turned into this mess of confusion and heartache inside me. Part of me wanted to get up and hug her, to finally have a mom who could make things better. But another part of me was still all freaked out and defensive from being rejected my whole life.
I guess a bit of what I was feeling showed on my face, because Laura said, “I know this is a lot to take in. I don’t expect you to just accept me right away or anything. I get it. This is crazy.” She gave me a wobbly smile that almost had me smiling back. “All I’m asking is that you give me, give us a chance. Let me get to know you, the awesome person you’ve become. Even if it’s just a little bit at a time, I’d be so grateful.”
Her words were heavy with all the hopes and fears she wasn’t saying out loud. I studied her face, trying to take it all in. This was my birth mom, my one shot at finally understanding where I came from and not feeling so alone anymore.
But could I really open myself up to that? Let someone else in who had the power to hurt me all over again? I glanced over at Rhett, sitting there watching everything go down. When our eyes met, I saw him offering me his support, his understanding. That steadied me, somehow. I turned back to Laura and lifted my chin a bit. “Okay,” I said, the word feeling important, somehow. “Okay, I’ll give you a chance. But I can’t promise anything, and I gotta take this one step at a time. If that’s okay with you.”
Relief and gratitude washed over her face as she blinked away tears. “Of course, I totally understand. One step at a time, whatever you need. I’m just so grateful you’re giving me this opportunity after all these years. Thank you, Scarlett. Really, thank you.” She stood up. “Now, honey, I think that’s enough for today. You look worn out. Rhett here has my number, so you just get him to give me a call when you’re ready. We’re all hanging around to wait for the results of the donor tests.”
“Uh, who is ‘we’re all.’ you’re talking about?” Rhett asked.
“Everyone who might be a possible match. Ethan and me, obviously, and the kids. My three sisters and their kids, Ethan’s half-brothers and his sister, plus all of their kids. And Ethan’s parents.”
“Ev-everyone?” Oh fuck. “For me?”
“Yes, honey. Of course, for you. As soon as I got that letter from the doctor telling us you were sick and needed us, we started making plans.” Just like that, they’d started making plans for someone they’d never met. The idea of having so many potential donors, so many people invested in me, was both overwhelming and deeply moving. “I don’t know what to say to that.”
“You don’t have to say anything. Just get some rest and we’ll talk soon.”
There was an awkward moment where I thought she was going to hug me or kiss me, but I wasn’t quite ready for that, so I stayed put. “Sure. We’ll talk soon.”
“Bye. Bye, Rhett.”
“Bye, Laura.”
And she was gone, leaving me drowning in all these confusing, overwhelming feelings. Goddammit, I was sick of feeling all this stuff. So, so over it.
I guess it was obvious, because Rhett said, “How are you holding up?”
I let out a shaky breath, raking my fingers through my hair. “I’m... I’m not sure. This is all so much to take in.” My voice cracked with weariness. “I think I just need some time alone, if that’s okay?”
“Of course, whatever you need.” He rose from his chair and crossed over to me. “I think you need a hug, though.”
“Oh yeah. I do need one of those.” I climbed from the bed, sighing against his chest when he wrapped his arms around me. It was all I could do to hold back the tears, squeezing my eyes shut as tight as I could, gripping Rhett’s shirt in my hands. He ran his hands over my back in slow, gentle circles until I relaxed against him. Then he pulled back and cupped my face in his big, warm hands, his thumbs stroking my cheekbones. Oh god, he was looking at me with so much tenderness I could melt.
Slowly, almost reverently, Rhett leaned down and pressed his lips to my forehead in the gentlest of kisses. My heart flipped over as I closed my eyes, drinking in the moment.
Until he pulled back, and tracing his thumb along my jawline, said, “Get some sleep. You look like shit.”
I huffed out a laugh. “Get fucked.”
Bopping me on the nose with the tip of his finger, he said, “I’m a phone call away if you need me.”
Then he turned and quietly left the room, leaving me alone with the whirlwind of thoughts and emotions swirling inside me. I sank back onto the bed, suddenly feeling every ounce of fatigue weighing me down.