Chapter 28
CHAPTER 28
L evi had thought he was doing what was right.
Emma was his wife, and regardless of the circumstances, that made her his family. He would have done anything for her, and he told himself that was because she was his wife but he knew that it was more than that. He was falling for her, and no amount of pulling away could bring a stop to it, When she looked up at him, giving him the letter with such fear in her eyes, he realized then and there that he loved her, and he would give anything to make her happy, no matter the sacrifice.
And so, to protect Sarah’s honor, he did what he had to do. She meant everything to Emma, and had been her very reason for being for many years, and Levi could not stand by and watch her disappear when there was something that he could do about it. It angered Emma, but he knew that she would one day understand. If he died, at least she would not have to suffer a husband like him anymore. There was no loss in it, not as far as he cared.
But he did not want her to see it.
When he saw her, alerted to her presence by her sister’s screams, he was taken aback by just how beautiful she was. Wild, untamed, and unbelievably fierce, she ran towards them and stood in their way. Rosendale almost seemed grateful for the intrusion, as he had been unwilling to enter into the duel in the first place. He had refused to let Sarah leave with Levi, however, and so he decided that he had no other choice but to also engage in the duel. Levi hated the pain he could see in Sarah’s eyes, but it had to be done, and so he asked a gentleman that was hoping to watch the duel if he could hold her back. She had insisted on not keeping away, much like her sister, who was now standing before him with a fury in her eyes unlike anything else he had ever seen.
“Stop this,” she commanded. “Now.”
“Emma, stand back. This far too dangerous for you to be involved in.”
“It is no less dangerous for the two of you, so if you want me to leave you ought to do the same.”
“It is different and you know it.”
“Beyond my lack of a pistol, I do not honestly see any difference at all. I would actually argue that I am very safe here, as neither of you will shoot me. I know that much.”
She was right, of course, but it did not mean he wanted her near them. He wanted her far away, where she would not have to see any of the ensuing chaos and all of the memories of it that she would be left with. It terrified him that she might have to see something so horrific, and he refused to do it in front of her. In that respect, she was indeed safe, but that did not help anything at all and she needed to go.
“I want this to stop,” she said firmly. “I want all of this to stop. We can all discuss this without the need for bloodshed. I do not know why men have to think of such a thing as the only option.”
“Because it is,” Levi snapped. “This is what must be done in order to protect your honor. This is for your sake. Stand aside, my—Emma. We \ will do what is necessary and then we will do what we must from there.”
“This isn’t necessary!”
“Emma, please. I have to do this for you.”
He saw the way she was searching his face, and he hated what he had done to her, but he couldn’t see any other way. His challenge was issued and they were squaring up to pace when she had arrived. It was too late for such things to be taken back, and this was what had to take place for everyone’s sake.
He only aimed to wound Rosendale, not kill him, as for what it was worth he did not hate the man. He knew that he loved Sarah, but in doing so he was going to ruin her. He had done what was necessary with Emma, and if another man did not want to do the same then he would not hesitate to protect her.
“You do not need to do this,” she said, shaking her head. “We could go home, and pretend that none of this has happened. We can leave right now, and return to the home we share. Do you not want that?”
“Of course, but for your sake–”
“This isn’t for my sake!” she cried. “You are not doing any of this for me, you are doing it to prove that you are a man, which you most certainly are not if this is the only way you know how to handle conflict.”
“Emma, I promise you that I would only ever do this if I thought it would benefit you.”
“Why? Why would you do all of this for me when I have never once asked you to?”
“It doesn’t matter what you want, it matters what you need, and what you need to do is stand aside and allow us to settle things.”
“So that is it?” she asked softly, seeming to give in. “You are going to die?”
“I am willing to do so, yes, if it is for your sake.”
And then, she burst into tears. His heart pounded as he watched her break before him, weeping loudly.
“Why?” she asked. “Why are you so willing to die for me yet so unwilling to live for me? You should be by my side through such things as this, the two of us deciding together what was the right thing to do. You should care what I have to say, but you never have. You simply do as you please and expect me to be grateful for it. Well, Levi, I am not. I am so angry with you, and if you do this then I will never forgive you no matter the outcome. If you follow through with this duel, I will hate you as much as you clearly hate me.”
“Emma, I wish you would listen to me. This has to be done. I am not doing this because I hate you. I am doing this because it is the best that I can do for you.”
But she was inconsolable, and there was no reasoning with her. She steeled herself, and though the tears continued flowing she managed to look him in the eye and he felt himself shrink slightly beneath her gaze.
“I know you did not want any of this,” she laughed emptily, “but I never would have thought that you would regret our marriage so much that you would rather die or be banished than remain my husband.”
He was floored.
“Emma, I do not regret our marriage and I never have. I would never regret being your husband. Why won’t you listen to me? I do not hate you.”
“Then why are you so desperate to die?”
“Because it will mean protecting you.”
“And why does that matter to you?”
“Because I love you!”
Everything fell silent at his confession. Sarah stopped fighting the man that had been holding her in place, and Emma stopped crying. Even the birds that had been crowing in the trees had stopped. There was no sound at all except for the faint rustling of leaves. Emma looked at him in shock, but not disbelief, and he was content with that. He waited for her to turn on him, and to tell him that she did not feel the same and never could, but she did not. She simply stared at him. Someone had to speak, he thought, and so he cleared his throat and continued.
“Is that what you want to hear from me?” he asked gently. “I love you, Emma. I have been falling more and more in love with you the more time passed, and no matter what I have done nothing has changed. That is why I am so willing to die here and now. I do not want you to be saddled with such an unlovable man for the rest of your life, not when you deserve so much more.”
“So much more than what?” she asked, her brow furrowed. “More than a man that will do everything in his power to make his wife happy? A man that recognizes his shortcomings and betters himself? What exactly am I supposed to want to avoid in such a man as that?”
“You deserve someone that is not broken, someone that can love you in the way you deserve. I only wish that that man could be me, but it is not possible. I will never be worthy of you, not matter what I do.”
“Stop!” she ordered, and he fell silent. “You will not do this. You will not speak about my husband this way. I will not allow it.”
He blinked, not knowing what to say to her. She was crying again, looking at him with fury, as if he had not been talking about himself.
“My husband is not a broken man. He is not a bad man, and he is not one that does not know how to change. My husband is a good man, a protecting and caring and wonderful man, in spite of everything that has happened to him, and I refuse to hear a bad word said of him. I may not know how to be the man of a household, but I know how to be a wife, and I know that it is my role to never allow a word to be said against my husband, for he is the man that I love.”
It was Levi’s turn to think about what he was hearing. It did not make any sense in his mind that anyone could ever love him, as nobody ever had. His mother was being kinder to him, but that did not mean she loved him at all. It simply meant that she was trying to put on a good showing for herself in front of his wife. He had spent the entirety of his life being unloved and unwanted, and the thought of someone as lovely as Emma loving him did not make any sense. He was a bad man, and even if he was not already, he would be eventually. He couldn’t trust himself to be good, let alone good enough for her.
He wanted to turn cold, to tell her to leave again and force her aside and do what he had set out to do, but he could no longer do it. He did not want any harm to come to Emma, and if that meant protecting the husband she cared for so much, then he would have to do it, even if it meant doing the difficult thing and saving himself.
Reluctantly, he returned his pistol to its holster.
He heard the audible gasp of relief from Sarah, and saw Emma crumble before him. It was then that he realized that she had followed him immediately. She couldn’t even have eaten before she rode in pursuit!. He had at least had his meal at the inn before confronting Rosendale, but she was unfed and exhausted, and he had given her no choice but to follow him out into the middle of a duel. He had left because he loved her, and she had followed him because, as she claimed, she truly did love him too.
She tumbled forward, and he caught her in his arms, cradling her gently. She was worn from the day, but even so she was so beautiful that he fell apart. He would fall apart, he swore to himself, and rebuild himself again over and over if it meant that he might one day become a man that deserved someone so wonderful.
He carried her wordlessly over the hill, Sarah following desperately behind them and Rosendale not leaving Sarah’s side. The younger sister was still in tears, her white gown stained with grass and dirt at the bottom from her furious attempts to be released. She looked at her sister with fear in her eyes, and Levi realized that she was more afraid than was truly necessary.
“Fear not,” he explained kindly. “She is tired, that is all. I will have a meal prepared for her, and then she will sleep, and then all will be well again, I assure you. She will be fine.”
She softened at that, and he admired how trusting she was of him, for had he been in her position he was not so certain he would have believed it. Emma stirred as they arrived, and so he placed her down onto her feet and took her inside. They seated her at a table, and she sleepily ate a large meal. He noticed how she slowly came back to her usual self as she ate, though something was still amiss. It was nothing that sleep could not fix, he hoped.
“Shall we leave them be?” Rosendale asked suddenly, and Sarah gave him a look of disgust.
“I am not leaving her side,” she said firmly. “Our wedding can wait. I will not go anywhere without her until I know she is safe.”
At once, Rosendale seemed to regret his suggestion.
“I do not mean that we should go to Gretna Green, not after all that has happened. I only mean that they might like to speak to one another.”
“I would prefer to stay with her,” Sarah nodded, her tone softening. “If that is alright with you, Your Grace?”
“Of course. I will be having rooms arranged. I assume you would like to share with her?”
“If it is not too much trouble, Your Grace, yes. I know that you are husband and wife, but I must speak with her once she is recovered. I have so much to apologize for.”
Levi did not mention that they had never shared a room in spite of their marriage. He was simply pleased that Sarah seemed to regret her decision, and had realized her mistake and wanted to make up for it. He arranged for the rooms as Sarah watched over Emma, Rosendale sitting beside her in case she fell asleep again, and once she had eaten they all made their way to their rooms. He helped Emma into hers, laying her in her bed, and as he pulled away she weakly took hold of his sleeve.
“Where are we?” she mumbled.
“In the inn.”
“Did you duel?”
“No,” he chuckled in spite of himself. “No, you stopped it.”
“Good,” she yawned, and fell asleep in an instant.
He kissed her forehead gently before turning and leaving the room, Sarah sitting on her own bed and staring at her sister. He scolded himself until he fell asleep himself.
All he could think about was how much pain he almost caused the lady he loved.