Chapter Six
Turmoil threatened to overtake Theo’s mind as he got ready for the evening. Socializing was the last thing he wanted to do. The absolute last thing on his list of things he would willingly do. His “friends” had strong-armed him into relenting. Caleb and Elias were entertaining the kids. Lily had begged him to come. Taz had bitched until he was blue in the face. And no one would confirm or deny if Connor was coming. Theo straddled the precarious line of desperately hoping he was and praying he wasn”t. He still didn”t know where Connor”s head was at. Neither of them had attempted to make contact and that alone was a foreboding sign.
His friends had even gone so far as to schedule an Uber for him. He had to admit it was a good plan since he was liable to back out at the last minute if they hadn”t made it impossible for him to escape. This was bound to be a nightmare. He wasn”t fit for socializing. Hell, even the idea of leaving the house without a clear purpose was anxiety-inducing and exhausting. He’d started off the day with one of his “as-needed” Xanax. He”d been forced to pop a second an hour before his rideshare was supposed to arrive just to make it through getting dressed. Swallowing the pill threw his plan of downing margaritas out the window. The risks that came with mixing alcohol and a sedative weren”t worth it.
He begrudgingly stepped out of the house when his ride turned up at the curb. Sunglasses and a baggy sweatshirt with the hood drawn up only somewhat eased his nerves as he slid into the back and confirmed the destination with the driver. Hopefully the guy wasn”t a talker. Theo needed this time to mentally prepare himself for the onslaught of energy that was bound to assault him once they were all together. He loved his friends dearly, but they were an intense group. He needed to preserve his fuel if he was going to make it through the night without suffering from a panic attack.
The medication worked its magic, giving him just enough of a cushion to dull the sharp edges of anxiety that threatened to rip his brain apart. By the time his ride deposited him on the sidewalk of the Mexican restaurant, he had enough resolve to step inside and search the tables for his friends. There wasn”t a single face he recognized outside the staff. He immediately pulled out his phone to check the time. It was eight o’clock on the dot. Clenching his jaw, he sent a text to each and every person who was supposed to be there. The replies began rolling in too fast not to be contrived excuses.
Abriella: oops stuck in traffic
Lily: I”m feeling unwell. I”m sorry, Theo.
Luke: I promised Taz a movie date. I must have gotten the dates mixed up.
Taz: Fuck off trog. I”m busy. 3
Theo was pissed. Beyond pissed. His knuckles grew white for how tight he clenched his phone in his fist. This was a sick joke and he was annoyed to the point of agitation over it. Making a snap decision, he switched to the Uber app and was just about to arrange a ride home when a presence at his back had him freezing in place with his breath caught in his throat. A deep, honey-smooth voice cut through the air and damn near brought him to his knees.
“Looks like we’ve been had, Teddy.”
“Connor,” Theo whispered, too afraid to turn around in case it was another cruel joke.
“Yeah, it”s me.” The voice was even closer, the heat from Connor’s body wrapping around him like a warm blanket. Theo’s hand flew to his mouth to stifle the whimper that threatened to spill from his lips. “Let”s grab a table. I”d like to talk, if that”s okay?”
All Theo could do was nod, his palm still covering his mouth to prevent embarrassing sounds from escaping. The tumultuous tumble of emotions was just this side of out of control and it took everything in him to keep from breaking down completely and making a scene. Connor stepped around him and nodded toward the hostess with a small grin that Theo hadn”t realized he missed so much. The glimpse of a dimple in his profile brought a tear to Theo’s eye. He hadn”t seen Connor in over a week. Having him here in the flesh and blood was a feast for famished eyes.
The hostess led them deeper into the restaurant. It wasn”t their usual corner booth large enough to accommodate upwards of six people. This one was a third of the size. Quiet. Private. Intimate. Something better suited to a date night. Theo shifted into the booth and clasped his hands tight in his lap to keep the trembling from becoming too obvious. He couldn”t stop himself from stealing glances toward Connor as he shucked his sports jacket and folded his taller frame into the opposite seat. He looked good. Great. Amazing. Fucking edible. Meanwhile, Theo knew his outfit and appearance screamed “barely hanging on” in all capitals. His heart plummeted. Evidently, only one of them was devastated over their parting of ways.
“Hi.”
“Hi,” Theo whispered in response.
Connor”s whiskey gold eyes searched Theo’s face across the distance with an unrevealing expression that left him feeling stripped bare and painfully vulnerable. The residual hurt and anger and frustration and resentment churned with newer, equally overwhelming emotions. Hopelessness. Loneliness. Sadness. This was a mistake.
“How’ve you been—”
“Just say it—”
Connor’s lips curved into an almost smile, the barest hint of his devastating dimples whispering over the curve of his cheeks before they disappeared. “You go first, Teddy.”
Theo closed his eyes at the diminutive Connor used. He was the only one who ever called him Teddy. It felt like a slap to the face.
“Just say whatever it is you came to say. I can”t… I can”t avoid it forever.” Theo lifted his gaze to the ceiling and swallowed the thickness from his throat.
“Shit,” Connor swore softly under his breath before leaning over the table. “Baby… look at me. Look at me and breathe.”
Theo was helpless when it came to Connor. He’d always be powerless to the pull between them. He complied with the soft-spoken request and warily met Connor’s eyes. It would hurt ten times more, but he never had a chance when it came to resisting the only man he’d ever truly loved.
“We been here before, eh? I reckon I know exactly what’s goin’ on in that head o’ yours.” Connor shifted his hand across the table, palm up, and fluttered his fingertips with a beckoning motion. Theo pulled his own hand from within the sleeves of his hoodie and tentatively reached out to blanket Connor’s. The warmth was as much a balm as it was a wound. He gulped again, blinking back the blur of tears.
“Baby, I ain’t here to break up with you. Unless that”s what you want.” Connor squeezed Theo”s hand, tender and gentle. “Lemme start by saying I”m real sorry. Can we start there?”
It took Theo an embarrassingly long time to parse the words. He blinked, remembered to shut his mouth, and then blinked again. He knew he needed to say something, but all he managed was a breathy “huh?”
“I”m sorry.” Connor shook his head at the approaching waitress and returned his penetrating gaze to Theo’s face. “I don”t want to lose you. I want to try again. From scratch. Better. If”n you’ll have me, that is.”
The words didn”t match the worst case scenario Theo had conjured up in his head. That combined with the brain fog making his neural synapses work in slow motion left him voiceless and struggling to come up with an adequate response. Thanks for nothing, Xanax. He took a series of deep breaths as he worked through everything Connor had said, pairing it with the numerous long conversations he”d had with Lily, Elias, Taz, and his therapist. Connor waited him out with a hopeful smile, never once loosening his gentle hold on Theo’s hand.
“What about… what about the kids and… and…” Theo mumbled, trailing off as the nightmare he couldn”t stop reliving clouded his mind. “You left. You walked out and… and I haven”t heard from you since.”
“I know. And I”m so sorry, Teddy. It was the dumbest thing I ever done, and I’ve done a lot of dumb shit.” Connor shifted his free hand over the back of Theo’s, sandwiching it between his far larger ones. “I already almost lost you once. I ain’t ready to almost lose you a second time. So… I”m gonna get myself right. I got some shit to work on. It ain”t fair that I been taking my shit home and I”m gonna work on it. I got numbers for a couples counselor. A few. If it”s all right, I”d like to pick one together?”
Theo nodded, even as the words left him overwhelmed. As much as it helped to hear Connor accept blame for what led them to this moment, something about it didn”t sit right. Elias’ words of wisdom came back to him in a flash. “Yes. Yeah. I”d like that. It”s part my fault too, Con. I”m sorry too. I”m absolute shit at communicating. I always have been but… it wasn”t fair for me to put that on you.”
“Mayhaps, but I reckon what’s done is done.” Connor squeezed Theo’s hand and made a soft tch sound under his breath as Theo tensed. “That ain’t what I mean. Easy, Teddy. I just mean maybe we both screwed up and we got ourselves in a right pickle here, but if you want to… maybe we can get ourselves out of it?”
“Please?” Theo felt the burn in his eyes again as he searched Connor’s face for something. “I don”t think I can do this without you.”
“I remember I promised you forever. I meant it then. I mean it now. I”m gonna work my ass off to be the man you deserve. Reckon you can be patient with me while I do, baby?” Connor searched Theo’s expression just as intensely.
“Are we… starting over?” Theo slid his free hand over Connor’s until they had a stack of hands piled in the center of the table between them.
“Mayhaps not completely from scratch, but I”d like the chance to prove myself. I know I took your trust and damn near shattered it when I walked out that door. I ain”t gonna let us skip out on the steps to rebuild it.” Connor cocked his head and flashed him a boyish grin that tore Theo’s heart to shreds. He hadn”t seen that smile in a long, long time. “Hell, I ain”t even ever dated you proper. I kinda like the idea of wooing you all proper like, Teddy.”
For the first time in too long, laughter bubbled up in Theo”s chest and spilled from his lips. Raw, shaky, unadulterated laughter. He stole one of his hands back to wipe the tears from his cheeks before they could fall.
“Yeah, for a guy who reads romance novels, the courtship period was pretty nonexistent.” Theo sagged back against the booth seat and finally managed to drag a full breath into his lungs.
“Well, buckle up baby. You ain”t ready for this.” Connor’s eyes crinkled at the corners as he too released a deep breath. With a quick scan of the restaurant, he flagged down the waitress before settling back in his seat. Their hands slipped apart, but it didn”t cut deep like the slamming of the door had. The thread between them, the one Theo worried had been irreparably severed, knotted together just a little tighter as they placed their order and settled in for their second first date.
After the weight of their confessions and apologies, the conversation that followed felt like a complete one-eighty. The long lost synchrony between them lurked under the surface as they talked about nothing of any real consequence, but the whole affair was so deeply restorative for its simplicity. They had been so close to losing it all. The fact that they were here, together, sharing a meal and unspoken promises for more and better was a soothing balm to Theo as they ate and talked and shared late into the night. Yeah, they had a lot of work to do and it would be easy to slip back into the old habits built on a shaky foundation. But something about this second chance felt sacred and precious to him. Too sacred to rush and risk destroying the fragile hope that had been resurrected between them.
Reluctantly, they admitted that the hour had grown late and it was time to part ways. It was odd and uncomfortable and left Theo’s skin feeling too tight as they stood face to face on the sidewalk outside the restaurant. Oh, how easy it would be to beg his boyfriend to come back to the house they once shared. The words were right there on the tip of his tongue. Fear and uncertainty and vulnerability kept his voice from breaking free. As if reading the struggle as it played out over Theo”s face, Connor stepped closer and pressed his index finger to Theo’s lips.
“I had a great time tonight, Teddy.” Connor shifted his hand until the fingertip slid under Theo”s chin to tip it upward. “I don”t typically kiss on a first date unless it”s gone real good, but do you reckon I earned it?”
“Shut up and kiss me, Connor.” Theo lifted his palms to Connor’s chest and fisted the shirt in his hands. It was all the invitation Connor needed. He stepped even closer and every single errant piece of Theo’s shattered heart rejoiced as their bodies aligned like perfect puzzle pieces and Connor’s lips dropped to cover his.
It wasn”t a passionate, unbridled kiss full of lust and want and hunger. Any passerby would consider it chaste and wholesome and entirely appropriate for two grown men outside of a restaurant after a date. It was the familiarity of the kiss that had Theo”s heart pounding and his pulse racing. For as much as they”d become strangers over the last few months, this was where they would always be able to remember the truth. Connor”s kiss was custom made for Theo, and there wasn”t a single thing that would ever convince him otherwise.
Parting with a breathless gasp, Theo lingered in the closeness he thought was lost forever, and Connor held him there with unwavering patience, innately aware of how pivotal and poignant the moment was. The road they’d traveled so far had been treacherous and unstable. The path ahead was likely filled with hazards and potential pitfalls. While nothing was promised with any certainty, the one thing Theo could rely on was the fact that he was willing to try. The conviction burning bright in his lover’s eyes promised he”d try just as hard, too. God willing, they”d find their way back to one another with time and effort and a whole lot of patience. Definitely a little bruised and battered, but together nevertheless.