Chapter 26
Berlin
Hayes
What am I supposed to say to Brady? “You think you’re impressing your parents but really they set this whole thing up just to get you out of town for the summer.
” It would shatter him. Even when I’ve been furious with him, I have never ever wanted to hurt him.
I need to stick to my decision to keep my mouth shut.
I know he hates silence, but I don’t feel that way at all. In silence there is the comfort of not saying the wrong thing. But I know he wants me to say something, so I start with the truth.
“I was having a great time in Barcelona with you.” I say the words slowly, and even though they are exactly how I feel I still have a hard time getting them out.
I’m walking a tightrope between explaining myself and telling him anything that will hurt him.
Pushing him away was a mistake. I know that.
“Me too,” Brady says quietly. “But what happened?”
“Nothing.” I know it’s not an answer, but I want to get past this awkward feeling and say something.
I don’t even know how many nights of sleeping in the same room together we have left – so close to each other but with nothing but emotional obstacles in the way.
“Maybe I should go home,” I say. The words slip out of my mouth.
It’s just one of the thoughts in my head at the moment but somehow it got to the front of the line.
“Is that what you want to do?” Brady’s face is twisted and confused. I’m sure he never thought after the magic of Barcelona we would be in this dark place in Berlin.
“I… I…” My lips try to make words as I stammer. I’m finally able to say, “No, but…”
Then someone knocks on the door and I hear from the hall, “Halo. Brady. Are you there? It is I, Otto. Is Hey-yas with you?”
I point my arm toward the door. “That. That is one thing that happened. Why didn’t you tell me you were planning to see him?
” Maybe I could have found the words to tell him everything I know and everything I feel but once I saw Otto’s arm around Brady’s waist I turned into some playground bully with a crush.
“I did tell you.”
“Not that you read his stupid memoir and…”
“Shhh. Keep your voice down. He’ll hear you.
You heard Sonia. We need him, unless you’ve picked up German this past year.
” Brady runs his hands through his hair to smooth out his curls before walking past me and opening the door.
It’s clear he cares about how he looks in front of Otto and that makes my teeth grind.
“Otto. Hello, come in.” What’s the point in talking about anything anyway with The Great German Asswipe our constant companion in Berlin?
He kisses Brady on both cheeks and I force myself not to have any reaction at all. Then Otto looks at me. “Oh, you are here too. Of course.”
“I looked over the itinerary that Aisha sent on the flight over,” I say. I can at least show Brady that I’m useful and important to this project. “I mapped out most of it and I can figure out the transport options. We don’t want to impose on you, Otto. So, you can…”
Otto being Otto jumps in and cuts me off.
“Ya, I saw the itinerary and I talked to Sonia about it. Who made it? Some marketing bot who has never been to Germany, I think? No. It is no good. Nicht. I redid it.”
“You can’t do that,” I say. “The marketing director was very clear. She wants us to follow the schedule. I don’t want Brady getting in any trouble or being blamed for your influence.” I realize I’m appearing way too protective of Brady, but he’s got a lot on his plate. More than he even knows.
Otto lets out a rehearsed snicker. “Oh. He-yas, you haven’t changed a bit since college. Still the same rule-obsessed teacher’s pet you were freshman year. Remember when you wouldn’t sneak up into the cupola of the dorm for the impromptu poetry slam I was hosting?”
I cross my arms over my chest, trying to say fuck you with my body language. I didn’t sneak up to the cupola because it was a fire hazard and the RA said we weren’t allowed up there. Which is exactly what he’s saying, but I don’t like him saying it. But then Brady surprises me.
“Hayes is right. We’ve been given a very clear itinerary for each city. We have to make sure we at least hit those spots. The marketing director…” Brady swallows hard. I’m sure he’s remembering the scolding he got. “She really wants us to stick to the plan and only add…”
“Oh, you mean dear, sweet Aisha. What a pussycat.” Otto almost coos. In what world is that woman a pussycat? “Yes, I have already chatted with her. So charming.”
“She approved everything?” I ask.
Otto walks over to Brady. “Berlin is an incredible city and you are here to experience it. That doesn’t always mean following a set itinerary, don’t you agree, Brady?”
I can feel Brady being drawn in by him. The way Brady looks at him with his eyes wide and listens, nodding his head. It almost makes me sick.
“Actually, we are here to work, right Brady?” I keep my arms across my chest.
Brady looks at me. His eyes still hold hurt from how stupid I’ve been the past few days. Then he looks at Otto, who only wants to have a good time and not make things complicated. I know what he’ll choose. How can I blame him?
“Brady, what do you think?” Otto prods. “I have the car ready to go and the restaurant is packing us a little picnic.”
“Sure, I guess,” he says, and turns back to his luggage and away from me. “I’ll get the media kit. Is there anything else I should bring?” I can feel him surrendering to Otto’s advances.
“You could bring a swimsuit if you wish, but I assure you it is not necessary. I need not even mention it.” Otto tosses his hands in the air flamboyantly.
“Where are we going?” I ask. Nothing requiring a swimsuit was on the original itinerary.
“Krumme Lanke. In the summer, queer life is centered around a few small lakes outside the city. But I don’t know if you need a swimming suit.
We Germans are not nearly as prudish about the body as Americans.
We believe the body is natural. Not to be covered up and hidden.
Clothing is entirely optional.” He’s trying to troll me again.
Thinking I’ll cling to some sense of modesty on my side of the fence because he has to position himself as this free-spirited artist. I’m the close-minded country boy.
He wants to have a pissing contest with me.
Bring it on, Otto. That’s one contest I’ve been winning since my first year on the soccer team in the locker room. Haven’t met a guy who can beat me yet.
Brady looks from me to Otto and finally he says, “Let me grab our suits and a towel or something.”
“Brady, get yours if you want, but I don’t need a swimsuit.” I stare Otto down.
Brady looks surprised, and maybe even entertained. “Are you sure?” he asks. “I’m bringing mine.”
“I’m sure,” I say, giving a bro nod to Otto, letting him know I’m up for any challenge he wants to throw my way. Brady grabs a tote, the media kit, a few towels and his swimsuit and then we head down to squeeze back into Otto’s car.
Less than an hour later we are on the sandy shore of a quiet cove at Krumme Lanke.
Tall linden trees create a tapestry of filtered sunlight on the ground where we set up our towels and some cheese, crackers and pieces of cake the hotel provided.
It feels like a private spot but in the distance I can hear people laughing, and further out a traditional folk band.
The water is dark and reminds me of the blueberry jelly at a diner in Alabama.
I feel a pang of homesickness remembering being with my dad and sisters, cutting up the waffles for the girls when they were little and my dad being so proud when people would come over to tell him how pretty they were.
I’ve been emailing my dad and sisters when I can but I’m not always sure what to say to them.
We’re close, but it’s hard to explain the enormity of the feeling of being abroad.
It’s changing me in ways I don’t even know yet.
Brady is in constant contact with his niece and he’s never at a loss for words with her.
He quizzes her on things like colors and animal sounds and can make her laugh so hard she squeals.
I’ve overheard Brady’s sweet falsetto singing “Stop! In the Name of Love” so many times I caught myself performing it in the shower the other day.
“I think we should have a quick swim, to refresh,” Otto announces.
I guess he’s in charge now. Brady gets his swimsuit and changes behind a tree.
I try not to make it too obvious and crane my neck to get a glimpse of that cute little hairless ass since I might not see it again.
Otto gets a pair of red trunks from his bag.
“I thought you said the Germans are free and open with their bodies.” I raise one eyebrow.
“I did. We are. But I don’t like the feeling of sand on my bottom. I always wear a suit.” Otto turns around and pulls off his pants before jumping into his swimming gear.
They finish changing and Otto yells something in German that sounds like a start to a race.
Within a few seconds they are both a few yards out about knee-deep splashing in the water.
After taking in how good Brady looks with the water reflecting little diamonds across his smooth, even chest I look over at the competition and then remind myself that this is not a competition.
Otto has a very natural, easy body with less hair than I have.
It’s probably enough to satisfy Brady, who used to tell me how much he enjoyed running his hand over the thick hair on my chest.