Chapter 34 #2
“And yet,” she points out, “here you are.”
“Here I am.”
She pokes around at the food left on her plate, then peeks up at me again. “Do you plan on staying?” She asks the question hesitantly, like she’s afraid of what my answer might be.
“I do, yeah.” I shrug, though it’s not something I take lightly. “I promised Sean when I moved here to work with him that I’m in it for the long haul.”
“What a change this must be for you,” she muses. “From big cities where you can blend in, to a tiny little town where our date in the park is the hottest piece of gossip anyone has heard all month.”
I laugh, grateful to have some of the tension broken. “It’s definitely an adjustment,” I agree.
I’d love to just move on to a lighter topic, something that gets the microscope off me and my fucked up past. But if I really want Elsie to know me, and understand how I became the man I am today, I know I need to keep going.
“I’ve been in therapy for the last six years,” I confess.
This is the first time I’ve ever admitted to anyone besides my grandparents and Sasha that I have a therapist. It feels good to say it out loud.
“I started seeing one during my second stint in Boston, and we kept up with virtual appointments when I moved. We meet for an hour twice a month.”
“Has it been helpful?” The raw hope in Elsie’s voice nearly breaks me.
“It has. I think I’ll always be a bit of a work in progress, but I’m a long way from where I started.”
“Aren’t we all just works in progress?” she says softly.
She sets her plate down on the coffee table and reaches over to where my hand rests on the couch cushion between us, twining her fingers with mine.
“Not everyone is brave enough, or self-aware enough, to seek help when they need it. You should be so proud of that.”
“I am,” I admit. “It’s helped me move past a lot of the shit that happened when I was growing up, and it’s been a big help in fixing my relationship with Sasha.
Well,” I amend, “maybe fix isn’t the right word.
I don’t think we’ll ever be fixed. But we’re working on a relationship that works for the both of us, and it’s a lot better than it used to be. ”
Remembering my behavior over the last few days and the way I avoided Elsie, I cringe.
“I’m not used to having to introduce her to new people.
I wish I’d had the chance to tell you all of this before you met her.
Not because I want you to think badly of her,” I clarify.
“But if things seemed a little awkward, well… now you know why.”
“I understand,” she says, and of course she does. “I’m sure it wasn’t easy to play the part of a normal, happy family when that hasn’t always been the case.”
Elsie squeezes my hand, a silent reassurance that she’s here, and she’s hearing me. Not just hearing, but listening. Understanding.
It’s a heady thing, feeling like someone might finally understand me for the first time in a long, difficult thirty-one years of life.
“Exactly.” Remembering our conversation when I arrived, I explain, “Sasha is the reason I don’t drink.
I used to, in my twenties, but I stopped a year or so after I started seeing my therapist. I don’t want to take chances with anything that could lead me down the same path Sasha chose.
I don’t even take over-the-counter painkillers, if I can help it. ”
Elsie nods, understanding etched onto her pretty face, and her willingness to listen while I open up to someone for the first time makes my heart swell.
I set my plate down next to hers and finally pull her into my arms. She snuggles into my lap, tucking her head beneath my chin and resting her cheek against my chest. It’s the most natural thing in the world, winding my arms around her and holding her against me, like we’ve done this a thousand times before.
And maybe we have, in another life. I think I like the idea of different versions of Elsie and I, finding each other across different lifetimes, different universes. I’m starting to think that just one with her won’t be enough.
“I’m sorry for the way I pulled back over the last couple days.
” I run my hand over her hair and she sighs happily against my chest. “I knew we needed to talk, but I’ve never done this before.
Never laid out all my trauma like that for someone.
I guess it was easier to avoid you and put it off than to just talk to you the way I knew I needed to. ”
Elsie presses a kiss against my throat, and I close my eyes, struck by how fucking good she is. “Thank you for trusting me with your story.” Her words are simple, yet so goddamn earnest. They would have taken me out at the knees if I wasn’t already sitting.
I fucking love this woman.
The simple truth of it crashes over me like a tidal wave, upending everything I thought I knew about life and love, and what kind of future is in store for me.
Even in my wildest dreams, I couldn’t have dreamed this up. I couldn’t have dreamed her up.
There’s no way I would have believed that somehow, after so many years of pain, and suffering, and neglect, I’d manage to drag myself out of the dark hole I’d been living in and crawl home to her.
“Stay with me tonight?” Elsie whispers against my skin.
I don’t think a goddamn freight train could remove me from this house.
Not tonight. Not when I’ve realized that I love her, and she sees me, and for the first time, I can see a future that’s not so bleak.
A future in this tiny little town that, against all odds, has started to feel like home.
A future where maybe, if I’m lucky, Elsie could actually fall in love with me right back.
“I’m not going anywhere,” I tell her. “I’m here to stay.”
And even if she doesn’t really know what I mean, or understand the full weight of my words, it makes me feel better to say them out loud.
I’m here to stay.