Chapter 8 #2
Luke looked over at me, and I could see unshed tears in his eyes.
I looked back into his eyes, unmasked by his goofy glasses.
He was so beautiful, so gentle, so kind.
He has such big dreams for himself, for us.
I love him so much. And I am so scared our big dreams aren’t the same, or at least similar enough for us to compromise.
“I can’t believe this. I am honestly so shocked; I wish you had told me sooner. I have already rented an apartment and accepted the new job. For fuck sake, today was my last day at my job here. Why didn’t you say something sooner?”
I could see he was shocked, disappointed, and hurt, and it was manifesting as anger. I didn’t want this conversation to get heated. I didn’t want this to get to a hurtful place, and I wasn’t trying to give him an ultimatum.
“I wanted to tell you. I wanted to tell you every day, but I was scared of what it would mean. Like, why is there even a question in my mind of whether I should go with you? Every time I come back to that, the question is there. I don’t know if we want the same things for our future, or at least not in the same timeline.
What if we move to California and struggle with the cost of living?
What if we aren’t able to start a family for several years—or ever?
What if I can’t find a job, or we miss our family too much?
I know that you feel the risk is worth the reward with this new job and new life, but I’m not sure I feel the same way. ”
Luke lets go of my hand, which he had been holding this whole time.
He stood up and started pacing around the living room.
“Tell me how to make this better. I need to know how to fix this because I can’t do this without you.
Do you need me to ask you to come? Please, Cass, I want you to come with me.
I need you to come with me. This is scary as hell, and I can’t do it without you! ”
“Then why have you never said this to me? It feels like you're only saying it now because you're scared.”
“What do you want? Do you want me to propose right now? I have the fucking ring, Cassie. I was just waiting until we got there. I wanted to propose to you when we got there, when we started our new life together. Dammit, if that’s too long to wait, I’ll ask you right now.”
I had tears running down my face and was doing everything in my power to hold back the sob that was lodged in my chest. “This isn’t how I want to get engaged,” I softly cried.
“Me either!” he yelled, continuing to pace around the living room. “None of this is what I wanted, and I feel like we could have avoided it all if you had said something sooner.”
“I couldn’t face it, Luke. I couldn’t face the idea of you picking a job over me.”
“I would have never picked this job over you if I had known what you were thinking and feeling! Now that you have waited so long to say something, I feel like I don’t have a choice. What am I supposed to do now? Seriously, tell me what I’m supposed to do. I’ll do anything.”
I sobbed, tears running down my face. “I don’t know. I don’t know how to fix this. I’m sorry. I should have said something sooner. I love you, Luke. I don’t want to lose you.”
Luke walked over to stand in front of me on the couch. He reached for my hands and pulled me to my feet. He pulled me into his chest, and we held each other. His t-shirt was wet with my tears, and I could feel his body shaking, racked with sobs. What have I done?
He pulled away to look into my eyes. “I’m sorry I hurt you. I’m going to take a walk and try to figure out a way to fix this. I’ll be back in a bit.”
That night, we walked around each other throughout the house, both in a fog of our own thoughts and indecision.
We hardly spoke. We didn’t pack. We didn’t do any of our normal routines.
I went to bed early, emotionally and mentally drained from the day.
When Luke came to bed, I hadn’t slept at all.
We both lay on our backs, eyes on the ceiling. He grabbed my hand.
“I don’t know how to fix this,” he finally said, breaking the silence of the evening.
I didn’t respond right away. Luke was a fixer; he always had been. He was never okay with letting disagreements settle; he wanted to resolve them and move on as fast as possible. If I had a bad day, his mind immediately went to what he could do to make it better.
“Luke.”
“Yeah?”
“Do you want to have kids?”
His silence was deafening. I listened to his breathing, waiting for his answer, already knowing I didn’t want to hear it.
“I thought I did. Maybe I will someday. But, no. I don’t want to have kids, not right now.”
“Is that why you have always kicked the can down the road when I talked about our future together and tried to make plans?”
“Maybe. Maybe subconsciously? I like how our lives are right now. I wanted to propose to you so you would know I was serious, and I know that's what you want. I’m not sure if that’s what I want, which is another reason why I was waiting until we moved.
Just pushing it down the road, because I don’t feel ready.
I know it’s the next step we are supposed to take. ”
“I can’t go with you, Luke. Not if you're unsure about our future and proposing because you feel like you have to. I want those commitments, and I want a family, but I don’t want you to be forced into something that doesn’t feel right for you.”
“I can’t go without you, Cass. I can’t do it. I can’t leave you here. I love you so much.” His voice cracked on his last words.
I squeezed his hand tighter. “I love you, too. I know it’s scary, but you can do this without me.
You're an adventurer, Luke. You can do this, and you should. This job isn’t the reason we can’t be together.
Although it might be the reason we figured out we aren’t on the same path right now.
I can’t imagine how hard this will be, but you have to go.
I can’t be the reason that you don’t follow your dreams. I won’t let you give up what you want just to give me what I want.
Especially when you’re feeling unsure, we are on the same path. You should go.”
He reached for a tissue and blew his nose. He handed me one because he knows my nose always runs when I am crying. “If I go, we are over. I’m not saying that to be mean. It’s simply what will happen.”
“I think if you stay, we are over, too. We don’t want the same things. That doesn’t change how much I love you. And I’m afraid if you change your mind about marriage, kids, and all that entails, I'll still be here waiting for you.”
“I have to go.”
“Yes.”
We fell asleep holding hands. When I woke up the next morning, he wasn’t in the apartment. There was a note on his pillow.