Chapter 18
Apparently, we are in a global pandemic. Since Luke and I both work from home, he decided to officially ditch his parents’ basement and come live with me. We figured if we were going to be stuck inside for the foreseeable future, we might as well do it together.
The rational side of me knows that we did this before, and it didn’t work out. He also moved in with his ex for similar reasons, and it didn’t work out. However, this feels different. We are older, wiser, and have been dating for over a year already, so it’s a logical step.
Although we are in a committed relationship, we really haven’t talked a lot about our future together. Sometimes I wonder if he would have stayed in his parents’ basement because he seemed comfortable there. I don’t think he knows where he wants to go in his life.
I’ve broached the subject of our future since we have been back together.
It mostly ends with him telling me he is happy with how things are.
I am, too. But, to be honest, I can’t stop thinking about kids.
I am getting older, and I know this is something I want, but I don’t want to lose Luke again over this.
I’m afraid of losing him again, so I keep holding back.
We have been sleeping together regularly without taking any precautions, just as we did last time we were together.
I know years of sleeping with him without an accidental pregnancy should be enough evidence that it’s not going to happen, yet I can’t help but keep hoping.
We were worried about Widow Jenkins living by herself, so we decided to consider her part of our little safety net of people.
She lives alone and doesn’t go anywhere.
We’ve been spending a lot of time with her in our garages, trying to maintain our social distancing.
I can tell she is lonely. Luke has been great about helping her out with things around the house, and we try to spend plenty of time with her, but she just isn’t her old self.
In her softer moments, she will admit she gets lonely a lot since her husband died.
That is why she is always up to some type of unruly behavior.
WJ came over for a garage hangout. We had been playing cards for a while when she started in on Luke with her typical passive-aggressive comments about making a commitment to her best friend. That’s me.
“So, Lukey Boy. I’m not leaving this garage without answers about the future. When are you going to put a ring on it? Cassie isn’t getting any younger. Soon you’ll be in your seventies with a gorgeous, adopted single young female that you're forced to take care of.”
“Listen here, Granny. These things take time, and I’m not going anywhere. We are happy. Get off my back, woman.”
She harumphed. “Not acceptable. I don’t want this to go to her head, but Cassie deserves some commitment from you. You know, she told me about why you guys broke up last time.”
Luke hit her with his sexy, crinkly-eyed grin. “Yeah, but did she tell you about the night we got back together?”
“No need, dear. The whole neighborhood heard that.”
I slapped my cards down, folding. “Gross, Jenkins. Can we talk about something else?”
“Sure,” she said. “What’s the plan for kids?”
I groaned and stood up. “I’m going to the bathroom for a long time. Please be off this topic when I get back. Maybe we can talk about why you're denying that you have a limp or any pain, when you're definitely walking with a limp.”
I walked into the house and hit the bathroom.
I sat there panicking about the questions that WJ was asking Luke.
The reason I’m panicking is that these are the questions I want to ask, yet I’m afraid of what will happen.
I want kids more than anything, and at this point, it looks like I won’t be able to do that the conventional way.
I don’t want to be in my forties trying to foster or adopt.
I took my sweet time going back out to the garage, trying to shake off the feelings of anxiety that were coursing through my body.
I stopped in the kitchen to clean up a bit and grabbed some snacks to bring out to the garage.
When I finally made my way back out there, I felt the conversation stop as soon as I walked out the door.
Luke gestured to WJ and said, “We’re making a game plan for Jenkins to get her hip checked out.”
WJ rolled her eyes and grabbed the cards to deal another round.
After about thirty minutes, the tension in the room was still palpable.
WJ excused herself to go home and take a nap, maybe because of the tension or maybe because she was a little tipsy.
I found myself wondering if her limp was because she is always a little intoxicated, but probably not.
Luke and I started cleaning up and bringing our party supplies inside. I’m aware that Luke is pretty quiet and wonder if he is thinking about what WJ brought up. I know I am.
“You okay?” I asked as we made it back into the kitchen.
“Yep.” Luke had his back to me, putting things away.
“You got pretty quiet out there.”
“Eh. Jenkins kept pestering me when you went inside, and just got on my nerves. I can take a lot from that old lady; however, she was laying it on pretty thick. Have you considered getting new friends?” Luke suggested, with a half smile that felt a little fake.
“I don’t remember actively trying to build a friendship with her. I'm basically a hostage,” I joked, trying to lighten the mood. “Do you want to talk about what she said?”
“Sorry, babe, not really. I’m over it.”
I paused to contemplate my next move. Because I definitely needed to talk about it. I had been avoiding it for so long, and it was weighing heavily on me. What happened today made it apparent we are not on the same page. Again.
“I think I need to talk about it, Luke.”
He sighed and pulled out a barstool. “Ok, sit down, then.”
I sat down and tried to decide where to start. It was time for a what’s up with us conversation. Where is this going, and do we want the same thing? I had an overwhelming sense of dread that this conversation was going to go exactly as it had all those years ago.
“God, I hate this,” I said, taking a breath to figure out how honest I could be.
“What I want hasn’t changed, Luke. I’ve wanted a marriage and a family for as long as I can remember.
I'm on the wrong side of my thirties and not getting any younger. You know we have been having unprotected sex, and nothing has happened, but it’s not a total 100% guarantee that it couldn’t. I hope.”
“I know. It seems like if it was going to happen, it would have by now, so I haven’t put that much thought into the ‘what ifs,’ I want to be with you, and I’m happy with how things are right now. Aren't you?”
I could feel my eyes welling up with tears. “I am happy with you. I see a future with you. Yet, I'm living in the ‘what if’s,’ What we have going now is great, but it’s not enough. I want a family.”
“What are you hoping for?”
“I want to get married. I want to have kids. And I know that might not be possible for me, so I would be open to looking at surrogacy or adoption. I would even be open to being a foster parent. I don’t really care how, but I know that kids have to be a part of my future.
That is the one thing I'm absolutely sure will not change. I’ve dreamed of this for too long, and to not have that would be devastating. ”
Luke grabbed my hand and kissed it. He continued to hold my hand and stared down at the counter.
“I keep thinking we have more time. We aren’t that old, and I don’t need to decide right away what the future looks like. It seems like you're telling me we need to decide now.”
“I need to know if there is a possibility of a future for us. For a family.”
“Do I have time to think? I don’t want to lose you over this. I can’t lose you again; it almost killed me last time.”
“I know. Me too. And yes, you have time to think.”
The rest of the night was quiet. We both did our own things until bedtime. It was quite obvious we were both in our heads and nervous about our future. I found Luke in the living room, working on his laptop.
“I’m going to go up to bed. You coming?” I asked, leaning down to give him a quick kiss.
“Not quite yet. I’m going to finish up what I’m working on here.”
I went to bed, but I couldn’t sleep. I tossed and turned, a sense of dread making it impossible to relax. Eventually, I heard Luke come into our room and slide into bed.
“I’m not sleeping.”
He rolled onto his back and pulled me onto his chest. “I didn’t figure you would be.”
I snuggled into his chest, appreciating the comfort of warm skin and his Luke smell. I didn’t know what to say, think, or feel, so I tried to find some peace in having him there with me, with a glimmer of hope for our future.
“Cass.”
“Yeah?”
Luke let out a deep breath and paused. We always did our best communicating when we were lying next to each other in the dark.
Deep down, I knew where this was going. It was exactly the same.
The relationship, avoiding conversations about the future, and now lying in the dark about to have this conversation. It’s exactly the same.
“I feel like if I'm going to commit to having kids, I should know with absolute certainty that it is what I want. Your kids deserve to know that their dad 100% wanted them and couldn’t live without them. I’m just not there.
It’s always been a ‘maybe someday’ situation for me, and the older I get, the less likely it seems I'll get there. I don't know if this is something I want, but I do know with certainty I'm not ready right now. I know that isn’t the answer you want to hear. I’m hoping that what we have and our love for each other can be enough for now. Is what we have enough for now?”
“I want it to be. I just don’t know how much longer I can wait. I don’t want to wake up one day and find that all of our options are gone. How much longer are you asking me to wait?”
“I don’t know.”
“What if you never get there?”
“I don’t know.”
I have been trying to be tough, but the tears start streaming from my eyes. Luke knows me well enough to know the emotional turmoil I am facing right now. He grabs my chin and tips my face up to look at him. Even in the darkness of the room, I can see his eyes are full of tears, too.
“God, I'm going to lose you, again,” he whispers, bringing his lips to mine for a brief kiss.
I don’t know what to say, but I know what is going to happen.
He’s going to leave and go back to his parents.
I am going to be alone again, farther away from what I want.
This is an exact repeat of the first time, and I can’t believe I was so stupid and blind.
I let my rose colored glasses make me think this time would be different.
I guess I thought that since we were older, things would be different.
I thought that because he had always known what I wanted, this time would be different.
Why should I expect his feelings on this would have changed when mine never have?
“I’m so sorry, Cassie. I never meant to do this to you, again. I don’t know what is wrong with me.”
“I think you thought it would be different, just like I thought it would be different,” I replied. “And you’re right, you know? I want my children’s father to have wanted them as desperately as I did. I don’t want to pressure you into something you don’t want.”
“It doesn’t change the fact that I want you.”
“It doesn’t change that for me, either. But I’m sorry, it’s not enough,” I responded, a sob escaping.
Luke pulled me tight to him and said, “Can we just have tonight together and then tomorrow we’ll figure out the rest?”
“Yes, I would like that.”
Despite my better judgment, we made love. It was heartbreaking and felt like goodbye.
That was Sunday. By Friday, Luke and everything he owned was gone.