Chapter 34
Jessa lay in the darkness, listening to Jax’s even breathing and stroking his head. Tonight had been everything she had hoped for, and everything she feared. She could feel herself warming to this man and knew she would be unable to confine the feeling to the bedroom.
Would that be so bad?
She closed her eyes. It felt good to be loved. Physically and emotionally.
Is that what you think this is?
She was such a fool.
Jax didn't love her. He had never even pretended to care for her. If anything, his feelings for her leaned more toward hatred and contempt, and she didn't blame him for that. She'd done him a terrible disservice.
She frowned, examining her guilt, and she did feel guilty. Somehow over the past few days, she had come to know that tricking him as she did was wrong, no matter what she’d lost or who was ultimately responsible. Tears burned the backs of her eyes as she thought of her lost husband and child.
Jax hadn't wanted those things to happen. He had loved Ralph, too, and he would have protected them if he could have.
It had been Ralph's decision to go after Steele. The tears welled up in her eyes and spilled onto her cheeks, quickly disappearing into Jax’s pillow. As much as she wanted to have someone to blame, she knew in her heart Jax had made the best decision he could with the information available to him.
Of course he had. He was a good leader, and he wouldn't have let his friendship with Ralph get in the way of a good tactical decision.
She was weeping openly now, holding on to Jax and praying he didn't wake up. She didn't know what she could possibly say to him to make him understand she was sorry for what she had done. Not sorry for the child but for her duplicity.
Jax stirred, and lifted his head. "What's wrong?"
She shook her head quickly.
"You’re crying."
She cried harder, her quiet, shaking tears now loud, quaking sobs. "I shouldn't have done this. At the time, it seemed right, like the only thing that would serve up some kind of justice." She shook her head. "But it was wrong, and I'm so sorry for what that's done to you."
"Are we talking about tonight?" he asked.
She laughed through her tears. "No. Tonight was great.
The first time." She met his eyes. "At the hotel.
I was so lonely, Jax. I was so lonely, for so long.
And then, there you were, and I blamed you, and I let myself forget you are human.
That you had feelings, that you loved him, too.
" She rested her forehead against his. "It was so much easier to tell myself it was all your fault. I needed a villain, and you became my scapegoat.”
He touched her cheek. "I understand."
"Then you brought me here, and I could see you weren't a villain at all, which meant I’d done something terribly wrong.”
“It’s okay.”
“No, it’s not okay. You’re going to be a father. Your life will be different forever because of what I did.”
“My life will be better.”
She looked up, not believing what she’d heard. “What?”
“I’m starving. Do you want some ice cream?” He grinned and rolled out of bed, looking for his clothes.
She sat up, pulling the blankets up to cover herself as she stared at his naked body. “How will your life be better, Jax?”
“I always wanted kids.”
“But like this?” She swallowed. “With me?”
He pulled on his briefs and jeans, his face unreadable. “It isn’t how I thought things would work out, if that’s what you mean.” He pulled on his shirt. “But I like you. I always have. Come on. I have chocolate and vanilla. There might even be some whipped cream.”
What about you and me, Jax?
Her mind was screaming the question, but she didn’t ask it. Instead, she narrowed her eyes and said, “Do you have any chocolate syrup?”
He smiled, and the transformation of his face was mesmerizing. “A woman after my own heart,” he said.
At that exact moment, the bedroom window shattered into hundreds of pieces.
Jessa heard herself screaming, but Jax was already in action, pulling her to a stand and quickly out of the room.
Then it was dark, and he said, "Sixteen steps.
Ready?" And she was being led down a blackened staircase, counting the steps as she went, to a musty room beneath the main floor.
A basement?
He was talking to someone as he pulled her through the space. "Someone fired at the bedroom window. Jessa is unhurt. I'm putting her in the safe room now. You two come in through the back of the house."
There was the screeching sound of metal on metal, then a light came on inside a small room with a couch, table, and four chairs. He grabbed a blanket and thrust it at her, reminding her she was naked, and she pulled it around her shoulders.
"Stay here,” he said, placing the book she inherited on the table. She hadn’t even noticed he grabbed it. “Lock the door when I leave. This is a safe room. No one will be able to get in unless you let them in."
"What about you?" she asked, surprised to hear her voice trembling.
"I have to help the others. There are clothes in the closet.” He walked to a corner and unlocked a gun cabinet, but it was the back of his shirt that got her attention.
"Jax, you're bleeding!"
"I'm fine."
"But there's so much blood…"
He turned around. “Remember to lock it. Don't let anyone in.”
She nodded her head vigorously, then watched in horror as he disappeared back into the blackness, and she locked herself inside the safe room with trembling hands.