Clay
CLAY
Coming to consciousness felt like trying to swim through cold molasses as felt his senses returning. His hearing came back first, the distant sounds of the cars on the street below, followed by the click and hum of the fridge somewhere in the apartment. Next came his sense of taste, something bitter and thick on his tongue, and a foggy thought reminded him it was the drugs.
Right, he’d let himself be drugged.
Cracking open his eyes, he gazed around. The last thing he remembered was sitting up against the wall. What he was on was stiff, but not floor and wall stiff. It took a moment for his sluggish brain to process the fact that he was now on his back on the bed.
“Huh,” was all he could manage.
He was still tied up, but he’d been expecting that. ’s mind was beginning to shake off the haze of the drugs, his thoughts growing clearer and more concise. The light filtering through the windows was warm and growing thin. He knew full well that the dose wouldn’t have been weak enough only to knock him out till dawn, so a reasonable assumption was that it was sundown.
“Hm, no headache,” he noted, running his tongue over his teeth.
Few things could knock him out so soundly with only a few side effects. There were even fewer places where someone could get their hands on them. snorted as he inched back, trying to use the headboard to help him sit up. He would bet half his current target’s price that Elliot had connections with his military buddies, both in and out of the service, for information and resources.
The door to the room shook, and he felt the air pressure change. The soft thump of the apartment door closing followed. He was hoping Elliot hadn’t decided to call the cops. was confident he could escape the police cruiser or the jail eventually, but it would put him in a tight spot. The Agency didn’t look kindly on operatives who allowed themselves to be captured by the authorities, which would ruin the anonymity he’d held onto for years.
Elliot’s deep voice echoed down the hallway. “And I can only say I’m sorry so many times, Ana.”
There was a pause, and listened carefully.
Elliot snorted. “Well, how about I make it up to you? No, not now. I told you I’m...busy with this latest contract. But when it’s all done, I’ll make it up to you...yes, it’s a promise.”
Wife? Girlfriend? didn’t know where Elliot’s attractions lay, but that was either a woman he was dating or a woman who knew him well. The only person who could stick a man on a pike and make him squirm that hard was a lover or a sibling.
“I’ll let you know, okay? Yes, I am trying to get rid of you. I just got home and want to relax. Uh-huh. I love you too,” Elliot continued, his voice getting closer.
didn’t have long before the door opened, and Elliot entered the bedroom. The large man’s dark eyes flitted to ’s face and then down his body. For a moment, was tempted to make another lewd comment. He was his prisoner, after all, and if teasing Elliot and earning another uncomfortable silence or awkward pause was a way to gain some entertainment, couldn’t be blamed.
Instead, he stared back, smiling faintly. He hadn’t been kidding when he’d said that, under different circumstances, he’d be attracted to Elliot. The man was physically attractive, formidable, and, more importantly, capable. While was sure that if they were made to fight for real, he would come out the winner, Elliot wasn’t a slouch in that department either. The man knew how to use his body in a fight, only slightly less deftly than he used his mind to outwit his competition.
And God save him, he did like that good boy vibe about him.
Elliot cleared his throat and held up a bottle of water. “Pretty sure you’ll need this.”
was suddenly viscerally aware of how dry his mouth and throat were. Part of him rebelled against the idea of being beholden to Elliot for anything. Yet, he was endlessly practical and knew that pride wouldn’t serve him well for anything. Plus, he suspected Elliot was offering the bottle of water for the same reason he’d placed on the bed while he’d been out cold.
tested his bindings. “I think I can drink, but you’ll probably have to take the cap off for me.”
“Done and done,” Elliot said, twisting the top off and placing the cold bottle in ’s hands.
didn’t bother trying to remain dignified. Using his bound hands clasped around the bottle, he brought the bottle to his lips and drank eagerly. The water was deliciously refreshing but not ice cold. He felt the liquid cool his gut, and his throat and mouth gave a silent cry of relief.
“Ah,” sighed as the last of it disappeared. “Thank you.”
“I’ve been on the receiving end of that stuff before. The cottonmouth afterward is a bitch,” Elliot said as he took the empty bottle back.
“I wondered if it was military stuff,” said.
Elliot nodded, crushing the bottle and twisting the top back on. “Yeah, you never know when something like that will come in handy.”
“What could you possibly need to be dosed with that stuff for?” asked curiously.
Elliot smiled humorlessly. “Sometimes, you get hurt in the field, but that doesn’t mean your brain leaves the field.”
There was what could only call the ghost of a memory lurking in the back of Elliot’s eyes as he gazed at the wall absently. wasn’t surprised, considering the background information Elliot gave on his website. The facts had been scant, but knew all too well what men and women were put through when it came to battle and war. A long-time warrior like Elliot was bound to have seen plenty to haunt his waking hours.
“Sometimes gets hard to tell the difference between a dream and reality,” said.
Elliot snorted, tossing the bottle into the wastebasket. “Yeah, sometimes. Takes a little while to sort through them.”
watched him, feeling a twinge of sympathy and a deep understanding. It was a strangely human moment for the two of them, caught between ’s assigned task and Elliot’s role. And yet could understand the man’s problems all too well.
Elliot shook his head, expression hardening. “Don’t do that.”
“Do what?” asked.
“Act like you get it. You kill in cold blood.”
And there went that brief moment of understanding. snorted, turning his face away and looking toward the curtained windows instead. It may have been foolish to think they were having a moment. Maybe Fate was right, and he was starting to slip. Wasn’t like him to get sentimental, even if it was in the privacy of his own thoughts.
“Not that that isn’t hypocritical or anything,” said softly.
“What’s that supposed to mean?” Elliot demanded.
jerked his head to face Elliot once again. “You expect me to believe you never killed? You never gunned someone down or gutted them with a knife in cold blood?”
“That was different.”
“Oh? And how’s that?”
“I did what I had to do to survive. What the hell are you supposed to do when someone’s coming at you with a gun, a grenade, hell, a rusty knife? Just roll over and take it?” Elliot asked, practically swelling with indignation.
snorted. “Oh, you kill them outright. Had to do it myself. The difference between your job as a killer for the government and mine as a killer for hire is I know who I’m killing. I know about their lives, their jobs, their families. I know everything about them.”
“That’s exactly my point.”
“No, your point is that you blindly killing people in service to your country somehow makes you morally superior to me. You killed people who were fighting for what they believed in and believed it so strongly they were willing to fight for it, die for it. But me? I kill people who are guaranteed monsters.”
Elliot’s hands balled into fists at his side. “And you think that makes it better?”
“The only one trying to make anything bad or good here is you. I gave up the need to moralize my actions a long time ago. You, however, apparently need it to feel okay with the blood on your hands. So judge me all you want, but don’t for a minute think I’m convinced I’m the worst person in the room.”
God, why did he even care what Elliot thought of him? Why did he hate the look of anger and blame in the man’s eyes? had been taking lives for years, and he was damned good at it. The shame and guilt had been ripped from him many years ago. His mentor had seen to that. Uriel had always been a cold bastard, but he’d known what weaknesses he needed to purge from the teenager in his charge.
had absorbed those lessons well. Some were slower to take to than others, but he took to them all the same. Never leave a mess. That was just another way of saying you never left a trail to be followed. Be quick and quiet, and show absolutely no mercy. Drive the blade home, pull the trigger, whatever it took to kill the target, but never look back with anything less than satisfaction. Judgment at the hands of people like Elliot was inevitable, but one who cast their morals aside could ignore it freely.
So why the hell did it bother him so much?
Elliot’s fists tensed, relaxed, tensed, and relaxed again, flexing incessantly. watched him, wondering if the man would hit him. At least that would be easier to deal with than his condemnation, the almost disappointment. To his surprise, Elliot let out a slow breath, relaxed his hands, and sat down on the end of the bed.
“You’re right,” Elliot muttered.
blinked. “Pardon?”
Elliot looked down at his lap, obscuring half his face. “I said you’re right. I can sit here and judge you all I want, but I’ve got blood on my hands too. Tried to tell myself for a long time that what I did was right. What I did was just. Works pretty well when you don’t think about it too much. Just keep your training in mind, follow orders, and keep busy with the job. And when you’re on leave or have some downtime, you find different ways to distract yourself. Drink, sex, anything.”
Well, that sounded eerily familiar. Enough that found himself staring at Elliot in dumbfounded silence. It wasn’t so much the idea that they’d followed similar patterns to avoid their thoughts and memories that jolted . It was the sudden, unnerving idea that perhaps they were avoiding the same things for the same reasons.
Christ, had he really been slipping all along?
Elliot looked up, giving him a half-smile. “That why you do what you do?”
“Kill people?” asked with a derisive snort.
“Kill a certain type of person or people, I guess,” Elliot asked, tilting his head curiously.
“I…” began, forcing himself to take a breath and school his features. “Kill those people because they’re the most challenging. What’s the point of killing some banker or cheating spouse? No fun in that. Drug dealers and traffickers? Now, they’re the ones with the real security. They pose the true challenge for someone like me.”
Elliot watched him for almost a full minute, and was forced to stare back. It wasn’t the first time he’d felt uncomfortable under Elliot’s gaze in the last ten minutes, but certainly wasn’t getting used to it. What exactly was Elliot thinking and seeing?
“Weren’t you just chiding me for making you out to be the bad guy?” Elliot finally asked.
“Yes. What’s your point?”
“Why do that if you don’t care about what you do? For that matter, if you’re doing it for the thrill, why justify it to someone like me at all?”
“Someone like you?”
“Someone who was clearly ready to call you all sorts of names.”
didn’t know how to answer Elliot’s questions. As much as he had rebelled against being judged by him, the look of soft understanding on Elliot’s face was even worse.
Christ, he could not be getting soft, and damn it, he had not been soft the whole time. Being soft opened a whole new slew of problems he was not prepared to deal with. Didn’t everyone in his line of work find ways to deal with what they did? Didn’t they get picky about assignments, wonder what it would be like to be free, to dream of a normal life now and again?
It was normal. He wasn’t slipping.
took a deep breath, hating how it shook. “Look, is this your way of getting into my pants, or tell me you believe me about your boss?”
Elliot blinked. “Get into your...you know, that reminds me.”
“Oh?” asked with a smirk.
“Don’t even go there. You’re not distracting me.”
“Shame.”
“That night at the bar.”
made a soft sound of understanding. “If you’re about to ask if that was an intentional meeting, then no. Trust me, I was pretty surprised to see the handsome tank of a man suddenly working alongside the target I had accepted.”
“Handsome, huh?” Elliot asked.
scowled. “Now who’s trying to be distracting?”
Elliot chuckled. “It’s the first genuinely nice thing you’ve said about me. I couldn’t resist.”
“No, it’s the first genuinely nice thing I’ve said about your appearance. Think back a bit, and you’ll find I actually complimented you.”
“When?”
“It’s commendable to have moral fiber. Stupid and suicidal in my line of work, but for someone who’s been through some shit like you probably have, it’s good. All too easy to become a brute who uses their strength and skills against other people.”
“The sort of people you hunt down and kill.”
“Those would be the ones.”
“But even then, you don’t have a moral code, right?”
“Now you’re just being stubborn.”
“Pot meet kettle.”
glared at him, debating whether or not he could get away with kicking the man. Deciding that he couldn’t do worse than being tied up and possibly drugged again, he raised his bound legs and heaved them against Elliot’s side. The large man yelped as he toppled off the edge of the bed and hit the floor.
“What the hell?” Elliot demanded as he picked himself up.
gave him a smug look. “Nothing like a boot to the ass to get rid of some self-righteousness.”
“I was not being self-righteous!”
“Uh-huh.”
“Well, excuse me for trying to see you as something other than a bloodthirsty killer for hire.”
“Damn right,” told him, smirk widening.
“God,” Elliot grumbled. “Catch yourself an assassin and find a brat instead.”
“I’m tied up. I have to entertain myself somehow.”
“We both know that if you wanted to, you could get free,” Elliot said with a raised brow.
“Hmm, probably. Isn’t that why you drugged me?”
“And you let me.”
True, he had. Even tied up and restricted, was sure he could have put up a fight. With anyone else, he might have. Elliot, however, was rather capable, and didn’t want to test his skills against the man while at a severe handicap. Worse, and he cursed himself inwardly, he didn’t want to upset or hurt the guy. He wasn’t slipping, but that didn’t mean he had to turn away a potential ally.
looked at him again, his smile disappearing. “Does this mean you believe me? You never did answer me.”
Elliot hesitated. “I-I don’t know. Everything you said about him is right so far. None of it makes any sense. And if you’re telling the truth about the sort of people you go after?—”
snorted. “Then you’ve been protecting the worst sort of person. Of course, that means I have to be telling the truth in the first place, and you have no reason to believe I am.”
“I have a reason,” Elliot said.
“Oh? What’s that?”
“A feeling. A gut feeling. And if there’s one thing I learned to listen to over the years, it’s my gut.”
wasn’t sure how he felt about that. He didn’t blame Elliot for not believing him. It came with the territory for people like , who operated outside society’s laws. Still, it was a strange and somewhat uncomfortable feeling to think Elliot might be willing to believe him on a hunch.
“So, what are you going to do?” asked him.
Elliot sighed. “Break one of my professional rules and snoop.”
chuckled. “I notice you specified professional rather than personal.”
“Justifying things can be tricky. I’m sure you know all about that,” Elliot said, flashing him a cheeky smile.
“And what are you going to do about me?” asked.
Elliot considered that for a moment and then heaved a huge sigh. “And there’s the problem. I don’t know.”
wriggled his fingers, wondering if maybe his freedom was close. “Well, I clearly don’t want to kill you.”
“I’m comforted by that.”
ignored him. “And you clearly want to know if your boss is who I keep saying he is.”
“Right, but that doesn’t mean I’m going to let you kill the man while I’m trying to figure things out,” Elliot said.
“No. But what if I say I won’t kill him? Well, I won’t try to go after him while you’re...soul searching.”
Elliot eyed him warily. “And why would you do that?”
Now that was a damn good question.
shrugged. “Because, in case you haven’t noticed, I don’t like people getting in the way if they don’t have to be. So long as you’re unsure about him, you’ll keep protecting him. Which mucks up my job and puts someone who’s actually a decent person in harm’s way.”
“Moral code?” Elliot asked with a raise of his brow.
“Professional rule.”
“So, no attempts on his life, no watching him, no nothing?” Elliot asked.
“I will do nothing that would contribute to killing him.”
That he meant it wasn’t in question for . He wondered what Elliot would do if he found out the truth. could show him all the information he had, but considering Elliot wasn’t ready to trust his word yet, thought his files might be considered fruit of the poisonous tree. But what would Elliot do if he did get confirmation? Would he just step aside, or would he still protest?
held his bound arms out. “What do you say?”