Chapter 26
26
Every time I think about last night, I want to squirm deeper underground. Roudie’s not helping, keeping me standing around on the rickety wooden bridge, while he sniffs every rabbit hole on the river bank. I’ve almost given up hope we’ll ever get home when his head shoots up. I follow his gaze and damn it, there’s Tony, jogging across the meadow.
‘Genie, you got a minute?’ he calls, when close enough. He sounds unusually hesitant.
Every bit of me wants to shake my head and run. Only, obviously, I can’t, so I call back, ‘Of course.’
‘Good. I was wanting to have a chat anyhow and when I saw you from the road, now seemed as good a time as any. If that’s all right with you?’
He’s only a step away now. Any closer and he’ll pick up on the pulse rushing through my head so loud, I can barely hear myself saying, ‘Umm. But I’ll have to keep an eye on Roudie. He’s got a one-track mind when it comes to rabbits.’
Tony grins down at Rouden, precariously balanced on the bank. ‘Yeah, well, I can get a bit caught up in stuff myself. Which is kind of what I wanted to say. ’Bout last night, I…’
‘Tony, I’m sorry. I didn’t…’
‘Actually, Genie, can I go first? I’ve been thinking out how to say this ever since you left. I’ll only screw it up if I don’t get it done in one go.’
‘OK. But…’
‘OK. Good. All I wanted to say is, I’m sorry. I came on way too strong. I read the whole thing wrong. I…’
‘That’s the thing. I don’t think you did. Read it wrong, that is.’
He hesitates, but pulls a face, the same one as when a set-piece doesn’t go as planned. ‘Nah, I did. Going in all full-blooded like that, it was stupid of me.’ He reaches towards my elbow, then tugs his hand back without touching me. ‘Only I’m not making excuses or nothing, but I reckon there’s been a few mixed signals.’
I step back from him. ‘That’s not fair.’ Even though I’m aware that maybe it is.
There’s the same reaching of his hand that he pulls back before it gets to me. ‘I don’t mean anything bad. But you come off cool. Like you’re holding back. And I thought if I didn’t do something brave, dial it up a bit, we’d stay kind of stuck. Do you get me?’
I nod. ‘Only I wasn’t cool with it.’
‘I get that now, all right. And I’m very sorry, truly.’ He pulls his mouth sideways. ‘But I didn’t just want to talk about last night. Cos me saying what I did about kids, I knew like two minutes after it came out of my mouth, I’d been an idiot. So you blanking me, it weren’t exactly unexpected, but it still felt like a bit of a slap in the face. And I dunno, I guess a bit of me thought OK, if the Tony Garratt experience is all you’re after, fine, I’ll give it you.’
‘That wasn’t wh—’
‘No, I know now, I got that so wrong. Course that wasn’t what you wanted. But I’ve got a reputation, haven’t I?’
He’s still wrong. I try to say that wasn’t why I pulled back, but he talks over me.
‘I’m not making out I didn’t earn it, cos I did. But it means the women that are into me, if it’s not about the money, it’s cos they wanna do the stuff they don’t want their boyfriends knowing they’re into. And then they go back to their nice life, no harm done.’ He leans back against the bridge until he can watch my face, then looks over my shoulder across the meadow. ‘But that’s not you. And I’ve gone and fucked up something I reckon I’m going to regret, big time.’
It’s not what I expected, and I think it cost him a fair amount to say it. Whatever I say back, it needs to be honest. I look down at the water and feel the heat from the iron rail of the bridge under my hands.
‘Actually, I’m not so sure that isn’t me.’ I look at him from the side of my eye and his face is the same, still, waiting. ‘Well, maybe not quite that. But obviously, I’m attracted to you. You already know that.’
If he looks the tiniest bit pleased, I can’t blame him. That was the understatement of the century.
‘And I’ve watched you play for years. Admired you, just like so many other women. Taken pleasure in your talent. Last night, I think I let myself get carried away with that. But then I realized, at the last minute, that I was pretending at being someone I want to be. But that’s not who I am. Does that make sense?’
He shrugs. ‘To me? Honestly, no.’
I stare into the dark water, the light drifting through it in little ripples. ‘Well, maybe all it is, is what you said about Katia, and maybe it applies more to me. I think I want something, and then when I come close to it, I run a mile.’
Tony tilts back on the rail, trying to look me in the eye. ‘Nah. I don’t reckon it’s the sex you’re scared of, not really, anyhow. Cos me and you, you can’t tell me there’s not like proper sparks.’
He waits, eyebrows raised. When I nod, half smiling, half shy, he grins. Then his face softens. ‘But I can see now, you needs me to go way more gently. Cos I know exactly when you froze up last night. It was when I said that stupid stuff ’bout what people would think. I was only teasing, but it hit a nerve, didn’t it, love?’
He turns and puts his hand on my waist, no pressure, just his palm and the tips of his fingers.
‘But that’s sort of what you meant before, isn’t it? About the other women,’ I ask.
He shakes his head quickly. ‘Nah, it’s not. That’s where I learnt that line of talk. And it don’t usually end up with ’em running off, I can tell you. Which got me wondering if someone’s been none too nice to you? Got you worried you’re gonna get hurt?’
I bite my lip, then look at him directly. ‘Not in the way you mean, no.’
‘But in a way that means something to you?’
‘Maybe.’
I look up at the absolute blue of the sky and the white of the clouds, because looking at him is getting far too much.
‘It’s all right, Genie, you don’t owe me nothing. No need to say anything more if you don’t want to.’
I swallow hard. ‘No. I do want to, to clear the air if nothing else. And honestly, it’s not that big a thing. It’s just, when Gavin and I split, like I told you, there were lots of reasons. But part of it was that he didn’t find me attractive. Certainly not by the end.’
Even without turning to him, I know Tony’s watching me. And now there is pressure on my waist, him drawing me in.
‘Must’ve been something wrong with him, then. Cos what I was saying last night, I might’ve been a bit crude ’bout it, but I meant it, you’re beautiful.’
‘That’s kind,’ I blush.
‘Nah. Just true. Look, you’ve been in this industry a fair while, haven’t you?’
‘Nine years or so.’
‘Well, I reckon that’s long enough for you to have got things a bit distorted. Cos a lot of the women in our field, their looks are their livelihoods, aren’t they?’
‘Don’t let Skylar hear you say that,’ I say, but my voice isn’t right for the line.
‘I mean the wives and girlfriends. And a lot of what you do, it’s with them, yeah?’
‘Some of it,’ I admit.
‘Yeah, yeah. I’m sure they’re all great girls. But what I’m getting at is most of ’em are got up to look like models. You don’t look like that. You could, but it’s not how you present yourself. So, when you walk in a room, maybe you don’t get the same instant attention. But it’s not that you’re not sexy. It’s that you’re more slow-burn, and there’s nothing wrong with that.’
I smile at him. ‘That’s a lovely compliment.’
‘Like I said, it’s just true. If your ex didn’t see it, or didn’t let you know it, that’s his problem.’
‘Except when we split, I didn’t look great. I hadn’t been happy and it showed.’
‘Hence all the exercise and stuff now?’ he asks, softly.
‘Maybe, yes.’
Tony rests his head against mine, and I breathe him in, the mix of fresh from the shower and the hint of the sweat that follows it. ‘But how you are now, you must know, you looks fantastic. And you all calm and collected at work, that’s sexy as fuck and…’
I move away far enough that when I lean forward, I can meet his eye. ‘Tony, as I said, this is lovely. But I’ve been doing this long enough, I know players like you don’t have the time or the patience to waste on boosting anyone’s self-esteem.’
He smiles wryly. ‘Only don’t you reckon that’s a bit one-sided? Us all going on like we’re rappers, wanting women confident enough to ignore our past ways, or however it goes. When what you do, half the time, it’s psychological physio, more or less?’
That makes me laugh. ‘If you can tell I’m doing it, I’m not as good as I thought.’
‘I’m not complaining. My ego needs every bit as much attention as my hamstrings, I can tell you. But I dunno as there’s anything wrong in you needing a bit of that in return.’ He puts a hand over mine. ‘’Specially if it might help make you agree to give me another go.’
I try to smile. ‘I don’t think it would.’
He holds the eye contact. ‘Then can you tell me what’d do it? Cos I don’t buy you worrying ’bout your job and nothing more. Or you fretting over what I think ’bout your body, cos I reckon we’ve established, I’m a fan. There’s something else you’re not telling me.’
I pull my hand free and lock my fingers together, my elbows on the rail and my mouth resting against my hands.
‘No pressure, love, to say any more. Just if you want to.’ Tony’s voice is quiet.
‘I… oh, Tony, this is so embarrassing.’
‘That’s all right. I won’t laugh or nothing.’
‘And you won’t tell anyone?’
He shakes his head vigorously. ‘Course not.’
‘OK then. So it was only partly about Gavin no longer finding me that attractive. It went a bit further than that. He also didn’t enjoy what I wanted, in bed and things. So, you saying about what other people would think, it brought that back.’
Tony’s about to say something, but I hold my hand up. This is something I haven’t told anyone before, and if I don’t get it out now, I never will. ‘And there have been one or two others since, no one serious, but nice, ordinary guys. And with them, I could keep that side of things fairly locked down. Just fulfilling their expectations, I suppose you could say. But with you, I’m not sure I can do that. And I can’t face all the… the shame again.’
Tony isn’t laughing, his face is dead serious. ‘Um, OK. Not going to lie, that’s not quite what I thought you was going to say. But I think it might be I was the right person to tell. Cos you was pretty young when you met the doc, weren’t you?’
I nod, miserably.
‘Well then, I think you might’ve got unlucky, and ended up with a bloke that wasn’t right for you from the start. Not cos there was anything out of the ordinary ’bout you, but cos of stuff about him. And if I’m wrong, and what you want is really out there, one of my few good qualities is I don’t judge.’
There’s a quick twitch of a grin. ‘And if it’s a bit of both, that’s perfect. Cos I get bored easy and some variety, well, I likes that. So, me and you, we might end up being a real nice combination, you know?’
His voice is a caress now, and his fingers on my back are matching it. ‘And look, I’ve learnt my lesson ’bout putting pressure on. So, I’ll just say I dunno how this’ll play out. Like from what you’ve said, I can see a bit of fun behind closed doors might be all you’re after. And that’s fine with me, but if it turns into something more, I reckon I might be open to that. So, how about I work on earning some trust, and you have a go at letting your guard down? You think that might work?’
‘It might.’
He beams. ‘Sweet. I’m going to leave you alone for a bit then, cos I’m going to have to think this one out. But you’ll be on my mind, Genie love, I can promise you that.’
He turns to walk away and I touch his elbow. ‘Wait, Tony, before you go, I should’ve said, me not responding to your calls yesterday, it was because I saw you had last night blocked out on your calendar and I…’
‘Thought I was with someone else?’
I nod.
He frowns, and I’m convinced he’s going to tell me jealousy isn’t something he can deal with, but what he actually says is, ‘Then there is something I want off you soon as possible, and that’s a full list of the stuff that’s gone wrong at work that you’re surprised by, and your laptop. Cos I wasn’t ever booked out last night, promise.’
As soon as Tony is on his way home I text Katia, ultra-casually, to find out who asked her to set up the calendar entry. Her reply is a super confused, ‘Wasn’t it you who put that in?????’