Chapter 11 #2
His kiss is soft at first, just a brush of gently parted lips as he slides a hand around my waist. But then he presses in, lifting me nearly onto my toes as he bends down, wrapping me in a warm embrace.
And I’ve spent so much time kissing Cole in the last two months, hot and desperate or fun and playful, but somehow this feels different in ways I’m not sure I could possibly name.
He’s nearly naked, a willow sapling in my arms, pliant but strong, and as he winds himself around me I have the wild thought that nothing has ever been better than this. Somehow, with him, I know who I am.
We’re stumbling across the room, dodging the piles of books as we make our way towards the bed. I go down first, perching at the edge of the mattress, my feet planted on the ground, and he straddles my lap, one hand in my hair as he sighs, keeping our mouths pressed together.
“Can I take this off?” he murmurs, plucking at my shirt.
I raise my arms to let him, returning the favor as I push the white shirt off his shoulders.
But then we stay where we are, our chests pressed together, his hips twitching as he rocks against me, our hands clutching and caressing.
It never fails to send a shudder through my body, the sheer fucking joy of feeling his bare skin against mine, and I can’t get enough of it, running my hands up and down his back, along his lean thighs.
And he’s cradling my face, drinking me down as if I’m keeping him alive, his heart thudding against mine.
Somehow we collapse onto the bed, with Cole beneath me, winding his limbs around me to hold me in place.
Somehow we break apart long enough to finish undressing, until we’re both completely bare.
Somehow I remember to reach for the drawer in my bedside table, to gather the supplies we need.
But when I reach for his shoulder to turn him over, he lifts a hand, wrapping it around my wrist.
“Can we — would it be okay if we do it like this?”
His words thud against my skull, but his eyes are shining, so I nod. “Um — okay.”
And so he settles against the pillows, his knees hugging my sides, and when I slide into him I can watch the tiny fluctuations on his face, his parted lips, the little lines of concentration that appear between his brows as I find that spot inside him.
And it’s everything, to see him this way, to share his breath, to lean down and kiss him as the tight heat of him envelops me, to feel his arms around my neck, his little cries against my ear.
We move together, and as I take him apart, as I feel my peak building inside me, he reaches a hand between us to bring himself off, so that we’re panting as one, both of us striving, seeking —
I’m not sure which one of us lets go first. But suddenly I’m spilling, shuddering, and he’s convulsing in my arms. There’s a mess between us, but I don’t care as I fall onto his chest, pressing kisses along the side of his throat.
The building could fall down around us, and I would still be here in this bed, still wanting this, still —
A sharp gasp against my ear cuts into the afterglow.
“Cole? Why are you crying?”
He’s trying to cover his face, but I pull his hand away to see the tears trickling out of the corners of his eyes and into his hair.
“Don’t worry — it’s not a big deal —” He gives me a watery smile, dashing the tears away. “I just get like this sometimes, when the sex is really good. I think you melted my brain.”
I frown. “You never did — before —”
“Things change — okay, baby? It’s nothing to worry about.”
“Can I do anything for you?”
“Just — hold me?” He shrugs hopefully, and I gather him up in my arms. That’s something I can definitely do.
Later, we’re still naked in bed, the sounds of a summer evening in Brooklyn echoing outside the window. I’m lying on my back, and Cole is draped across my chest, one leg slung possessively over my hips.
“Hey, Ezra?”
I kiss the top of his head. “Yeah?”
“Why do you do this?”
“Why do I do — what, exactly? Fall into bed with you at every possible opportunity? Because I’d die if I didn’t, probably.”
“Good to know, but I didn’t mean that,” Cole laughed. “I meant — you live in this tiny apartment and you ride that fucking awful train every day. You work your ass off, but you seem to hate what you do. And those schools all treat you like shit. So — why? Why don’t you — stop?”
I sigh, considering the question. “I ask myself the same fucking thing all the time. I guess — because I don’t know what else I would do instead?
I studied to do this for so long, and I’m going to be paying loans for this degree for years, and I dunno — I didn’t think it would be like this.
But academia makes you feel like you have to accept what you get, and if you don’t get where you want to be, you’re the one who failed. ”
“You’re not the one who failed,” Cole replies darkly.
“Keep telling me that, and maybe I’ll believe it someday.”
“I will.” Cole nuzzles against my chest, and I can still hear the wheels turning in his head. “And if you ever decide you want to do something different — you know I’m gonna be here for you.”
I lift my head for a better look at him. “Really? Why?”
“Because I’m your friend, dumbass.” Cole sighs, shaking his head at me. “I lost you once and I’m not going to lose you again.”
I study him carefully, weighing his words. “Well — I guess that’s good to know.”