Chapter 16 #2
Dr. Strahan is going on calmly, telling us about Dad’s mild concussion and what the hospital is doing to monitor it, going over plans for Dad’s surgery later on in the evening, and instructing him not to eat or drink anything in the meantime.
Cole is nodding along, asking appropriate questions, but it’s all I can do to keep from shouting.
Beside me, Cole clears his throat gently, then wedges his knee against mine. It’s something — the warmth of him grounding, a point to focus my energy. I glance over at him, and he breathes in deeply, then lets it out slowly. I do my best to follow his lead.
Dr. Strahan looks at her iPad, tapping a few more buttons. “Last question, Mr. Callahan — how’s your pain on a scale of one to ten?”
Dad screws up his face. “Maybe a six?”
“Are you okay with that, or would you like more pain meds? You’re not at your limit yet and we want to make sure you’re as comfortable as possible.”
Dad looks over at us, and Cole shrugs. “Live it up, I’d say.”
“What he said,” Dad agrees, and Dr. Strahan nods.
“I’ll order some more meds for you, and the nurse will be in shortly. In the meantime, it looks like you’re in good hands. Get some rest!”
***
It’s an hour later, and my knee is jiggling up and down.
Dad is asleep, snoring softly with his mouth open. I’m glad he’s relaxed enough to rest, but watching him is causing a weird twist in my gut. I’m not ready for this. Dad has always been so strong, so much larger than life, but now —
I think of Mom, lying in the bed that the hospice people brought for her, her blue scarf slipping as she sleeps, and I shake my head, willing the image away.
Cole lifts his head. He’s been quiet since Dad dropped off, scrolling through his phone, and it’s been weird, not knowing what to say to him. But now he’s looking right at me, brow furrowed.
“You okay?”
“Yeah, I just —” I flap my hand as if clearing the air in front of me. “Bad memories.”
“Mmm — yeah.” He stares at me for a long time, blinking behind his glasses. Then he breathes in sharply and stands up. “I’m gonna go stretch my legs for a while. I’ll be back.”
I settle into my seat and try not to let my eyes rake over him as he walks out the door.
I’m — well, moderately successful. I pull out my phone and try to find something to hold my attention.
But the words are just noise and light, bouncing against the back of my brain before ricocheting out again. I’m too worked up to focus on anything.
When Cole returns about fifteen minutes later, he stops in front of me, holding out a Styrofoam container. I take it, frowning.
“What’s this?”
“Chicken fingers and fries,” Cole explains, sitting down once more. “I figured you might be hungry, and it was the only thing in the cafeteria that didn’t look disgusting.”
I open the container and realize I’m fucking starving. “I feel sort of bad eating this in front of Dad when he can’t eat anything.”
Cole shrugs. “He’s hopped up on goofballs. I really don’t think he gives a shit.”
“Yeah, I guess you’re right.” I take a bite of a chicken finger, and chew it thoughtfully. “You know, you’re really, um — thanks, I mean. Thanks.”
“Don’t mention it.” Cole turns back to his phone, and there’s silence in the room once more.
***
“Hey, your brother and Bree are here.” Cole shifts in his chair, turning to look at me. It’s a little before eight o’clock, and we’re waiting for transport to bring Dad upstairs for his surgery. “Should I just go out to the waiting room and let Seth come in, or —?”
“I can walk you out,” I reply quickly. “Dad, is that okay with you?”
Dad nods. “I’ll be fine.”
I follow Cole out into the hall, and we weave our way through the emergency department, pushing out the double doors into the waiting room.
“There you are!” Bree is a tiny blur, throwing herself into Cole’s arms. I notice he holds on to her for a long time.
“How was the drive?” I ask as Seth gives me a hug.
Seth rolls his eyes. “There are not enough fucking swear words. It was a parking lot the whole way.”
“Thankfully we’re here now,” Bree cuts in. Her hug isn’t the warmest one she’s ever given me. “Should Cole and I stay out here so that you two can go in?”
Seth looks at his watch. “We’re probably going to be back there for a few hours. Maybe you guys should head up to the house and get some rest, and we’ll come up and join you when it’s all over.”
“Oh, fuck —” I interject. “I just realized — I didn’t even think about staying overnight when we left the city. I don’t have a change of clothes or anything.”
“Don’t worry about that,” Cole says softly. “Bree and I can stop somewhere and I’ll take care of it.”
“Really?” I eye him carefully. “Do you need, like — my size or anything?”
“Bitch, please.” It’s the closest thing Cole has given me to a smile all day.
After they leave, Seth and I start down the hallway to find Dad. “So, you two — you didn’t, I dunno, talk?” he asks.
I shrug. “I don’t know what’s going on with him. But come on, Dad needs us right now. There will be time to figure it out later.”
At least, I hope so.
***
“Hey, Ezra?” Seth leans his head toward me, but he keeps his eyes on the two-lane highway in front of us. It’s almost midnight, and I know he’s as exhausted as I am.
“What’s up?” I’m barely conscious, all of the adrenaline of the day bleeding out of my body. Dad’s surgery was a success, and we left him in the recovery room after saying our goodbyes, with plans to return and check on him in the morning.
Seth shifts his grip on the steering wheel. “I’ve been thinking about this a lot lately, because you’ve been on my mind, but — I feel like I fucked up, after Mom died. And when she was sick, too.”
All the sleepy silence in the car is replaced by hot copper wire. “How so?”
“I dunno.” Seth hesitates as if he’s gathering his thoughts, and I wait, studying his profile in the dark. “I just — I feel like you were alone a lot, and you were still a kid.”
“You were a kid, too,” I point out.
“Yeah, but — I was out of the house at school, but meanwhile you were rattling around down here with Dad, and you must have seen some shit. But I wasn’t here for you. And Mom — the last time I talked to her, while she could still talk, she made me promise —”
He stops, and I turn my head, watching the sea wall flicking by the window. I can’t see the ocean, but I know it’s out there, quiet and immense.
When Seth speaks again, his voice is low and urgent. “I’m not gonna do that anymore, okay? Whatever happens with Dad, or with you — from now on, I want to be part of it.”
“Okay.” I don’t really know what else to say. But I know what he means, and I feel a little lighter.
When we arrive at the house ten minutes later, we find Bree curled up in Dad’s recliner with a book, a blanket spread across her lap. There’s a Target bag full of clothing sitting on the coffee table, and I pick it up.
“Where’s Cole?” I ask, and Bree marks her place, giving me a searching look.
“Didn’t you know that he inherited his grandmother’s house? He didn’t think there would be enough beds for all of us, so he decided to spend the night up there.”
Of course I didn’t know. One more thing in Cole’s bag of secrets, I guess. But I’m not going to dwell on that right now.
“Do you think he would mind — I mean, do you think I should —?”
Bree raises a perfectly sculpted eyebrow at me and sighs.
And I turn on my heel and bang out the back door.
It’s a route I’ve walked hundreds of times, down to the corner and then up the steep hill.
Sharon’s house is gleaming white in the moonlight, surrounded by the picket fence that I would know in my sleep.
It’s a crisp fall night, the breeze lifting my hair as I walk, the scent of the ocean so familiar.
I breathe in and out, and I try to ignore my sweaty palms, the way my heart presses against my throat, the prickling across my shoulders.
I have the gate in my hand, and I’m opening it, my feet scuffing along the front walk. Five wooden steps up, and then I’m crossing the porch, the plastic bag swaying at my side.
I lift my arm, and I ring the bell.