Chapter 40 Olena
OLENA
My hand slips on the rocks and my elbow scrapes against the rough boulder as I jerk down, almost losing my grip.
“Ow, shit,” I mutter under my breath as the pain from my elbow reaches my awareness.
I shift my weight so I can shake out my hand.
Maybe rock climbing today wasn’t the best idea.
I dig my toes in and try again, the fingers of my other hand white with the strain of holding on.
My arms feel weak. I’m not doing great up here.
Nat calls up from the ground, tightening up the slack in the top rope. “You good, Len?”
The late afternoon sun shines on my back, but there’s not much warmth to it at this hour.
I managed to convince Nat to blow off work a bit early so we could climb together.
I needed to get out of my head and out of the house after spending most of the day shut in my bedroom.
I’d cried a good long while before it slowly dawned on me that beating myself up wasn’t making any sense.
I realized with painful clarity that this isn’t just me messing everything up.
The problem isn’t me. No, the real problem here… is Sean.
Sure, I should have told Jude what was going on sooner, but was I that unreasonable for expecting Sean to leave me alone?
My relationship with Jude is—or was—still pretty new, even if it had been toe-curlingly intense in that short time.
Sean had started contacting me before I’d even met Jude, after all.
Realizing Sean has wrecked my life yet again fills me with nothing but cold, festering resentment.
I can’t believe he weaseled himself between me and Jude like this.
I can’t believe he’s had the nerve to harass and threaten me, and to get into my head in a way that’s ruined something that could have been beautiful with Jude.
I still haven’t told Nat everything because I’m worried I’ll fall apart if I try to voice how I’m feeling. I want to punch something. Or someone.
Heaving myself at last to the top of the climbing route, I exhale harshly. I feel like I’ve been hit by a bus. My arms are shaking and my legs are heavy with exhaustion. Nat tightens the rope again.
I call down to make sure Nat is ready for me, then push off the edge, repelling off the rocks as she belays me back down.
“Hey, are you sure you’re up for this?” she asks as I land on the ground beside her. She glances at me as she unclips the belay device from her harness. “You looked a bit shaky.”
“That’s because I am a bit fucking shaky,” I grouse at her, clenching my fists.
She raises her eyebrows at me.
I sigh. “Sorry, I’ve been up since five,” I explain, softening my tone.
“And that was just the beginning,” I add, shaking my head, getting irritated all over again.
“Then Jude walked out on me and I blew off work like an asshole.” Seeing her eyes widen with caution, I apologize again, scowling.
“I’m all over the place, sorry. I’m just pissed. ”
“You still haven’t told me what happened with Jude. And, I don’t know if you’ve noticed, I’ve been patiently waiting for the story.” Nat raises her eyebrows at me, the unspoken out with it painted on her face.
“Ugh, fine.” I untie my rope and drop the end, letting it dangle from the anchor point above us. “I had another nightmare this morning.”
“That explains the five am thing, okay…” Nat narrows her eyes in partial understanding.
“And Jude was with me and…” I look away from her, feeling the tears threatening again. I take a deep breath, feeling sick of my own shit. I refuse to keep blubbering pathetically at every turn. Again, the anger at Sean rises in my throat. I fight it down, struggling for composure.
“It’s okay. Take your time.” She reaches out and rubs my shoulder.
“I told him about Sean contacting me,” I say finally, looking back at her.
“Yeah. Okay, so… wait, Sean texted you a while back, right? Am I missing something? Why did Jude walk out?”
I wrinkle my nose, cringing. Nat doesn’t know about the phone calls. “There’s been more than that one text,” I confess, frowning.
“What the fuck?” Nat’s incredulous voice comes out loudly.
I tell her about Sean’s angry phone calls—and his threat yesterday.
I relay Jude’s reaction when he’d found out: how he’d left early this morning, how I’d cleaned up the Faulkners’ place alone, how I’d poured the coffee he had made me down the sink in tears.
How I’d dropped Carol and Charles’ keys in the mailbox before driving home, gutted and afraid.
And, finally, about how I’d realized the obvious: that Sean had caused all of this.
“Oof. Okay.” Nat rubs her forehead, frowning. “This isn’t good.”
“Of course this isn’t good!” I throw up my hands, feeling helpless. “What can I do? How do I deal with Sean? He’s not in his right mind. I don’t even know what drugs he’s using.” I drag both hands over my hair, blowing out a breath.
“I mean… I think we need to go to the police. He threatened you,” she says carefully.
“I don’t know if the police will take this seriously. He said he was going to come see me. Does that count as a threat?” I hug my arms tightly around my waist. “I feel sick thinking about him showing up here but… I don’t think that’s an actual threat. Legally, I mean.”
“Yeah, good point. Shit.” Nat puts her hands on her hips, looking at the ground and frowning.
“So, like, what can I do? He doesn’t know where I live… or where I work, which is good. But beyond that?”
We stand there in silence.
“I hate this,” Nat says.
“Yeah, me too.” I rub at my forehead, my brows knit with tension.
Nat looks up at the climbing rope for a moment, then back at me.
“Okay. You promise me if he contacts you again… or if anything else happens with Sean, you’ll tell me right away?
” She raises her eyebrows, searching for confirmation that I won’t hide anything more from her.
“And, if he makes a tangible threat, we’ll get you a restraining order or something. ”
I relent. “Okay, yes, I promise. I’m sorry. I know I should’ve told you.” I shrug. “But, like I said to Jude, I was just hoping each time was the last time. That’s not delusional, right? Or na?ve? A reasonable person would listen to the word no, right?”
“No, you were not delusional or na?ve.” Nat gives me a serious look. “There’s no manual for this stuff, Len.” Hearing her confirm that gives me a sense of relief. I look up at the sky and take another deep breath.
I look back at her, shaking my head. “I’m so pissed.”
“You have every right to be,” she replies simply.
“Because what I had with Jude…” I try to keep my voice steady. “You should’ve seen his face, Nat. I don’t know if he’ll ever forgive me.”
“Hey, look. You’re a human being. You’re allowed to make mistakes. And you’re allowed to be going through some complicated shit, remember?” She raises her eyebrows at me.
I nod, looking at my feet.
“If Jude truly cares about you… if he’s your person? He’ll find a way to understand where you’re coming from.”
I give her a dubious look. The memory of Jude’s pained expression this morning haunts me.
“But Len,” Nat adds gently, “Jude isn’t wrong.”
I frown. “What?”
“You should have told him. Just like you should have told me.” Nat pauses.
“Sean’s a fucking asshole, don’t get me wrong, but he’s not the only reason Jude walked out.
Getting threatened… That’s a pretty high-stakes thing to keep from someone.
Shit, I’m a bit pissed at you too!” She gives me a pointed look.
I squeeze my eyes shut. “I know.” She’s right; I’ve fucked up too. “I’m sorry I didn’t tell you. And Jude.” Probably something to unpack with that therapist…
“Look, there’s no shame in asking for help. And you have to tell your people when scary shit happens to you.” She gives me a little shrug. “That’s what we’re here for.”
“I’m sorry, okay?” I hate this. It was easier when I could just blame Sean for everything.
“Hey, I forgive you. Just doing my bullshit-calling duty.” She pauses, rolling her eyes. “Again,” she adds with a cheeky smile.
I narrow my eyes at her. “You’re annoyingly good at it.”
“You’re welcome,” she says, smiling with her eyebrows raised.
“Thank you.” I roll my eyes.
“That’s more like it.” She gathers me in for a tight hug, then pulls back, reaching for the climbing rope. “Okay, my turn.”