Chapter 13 #6
“It was a fantasy, but I’d always pretend it was you waiting for me.
That I was waiting for you.” Reno watched Luka freeze and turn a deeper shade of red around the ears and throat.
“Please don’t mistake, I did not actually expect you to wait for me, or to even find you again, or if I found you I did not expect for you to come see me.
But, it was fun to think about. It gets lonely on tour. Here, too.”
“I’m sorry, that’s a lot to take in.” Luka looked dazed, his fork hanging from his fingers loosely like it might fall. “I’m not—”
“Don’t start that, please.” Reno reached out and brushed the back of his fingers against Luka’s cheek.
“You are not the person I dreamt up in my head. I know. But, you are worthy of my affection because you are perfectly yourself; don’t diminish that just because I had fantasy Lukas swimming in my head for a decade. ”
“I was going to say"—Luka placed his fork on the plate, looking very serious—“I’m not someone—” He cut himself off with a frustrated noise. “Sorry, I am not used to being on someone’s mind, being considered, or dreamt about.”
“That’s a shame.” Reno meant it. “The person you are pleases me and surpasses the versions I had in my head of who you might be. I enjoy dreaming of you as you are now much better than pretending.”
Luka leaned back in the seat, letting his head fall against the back of the booth as he looked at the wood-beamed ceiling. He crossed his arms over his chest and didn’t say anything more.
Reno asked, “Does this upset you?”
“No," Luka was quick to say. He shook his head and hummed. “Not upset. Confused, but that's nothing new when it comes to you.”
“I’m sorry," Reno said, “I don’t mean to confuse; it kind of comes with being around me. My actions and thoughts can be hard to understand for others at times. Like, Sage not understanding why I lay on her floor with her rabbits chewing my hair while I talk about a man I only met once. To be fair, it is her fault for feeding me so much vodka.”
Luka huffed, a small smile breaking out over his expression.
“I did look for you.”
“Doubt.”
“I really did. Not very hard, but it’s why Sage called me a creep.
I did go online and look for people with your name on the forums from time to time.
It was a weird fixation, not in a scary way, I promise.
Just in a wondering if you were still out there and happy way, or if you listened to my music anymore, or if you were interested in being a friend. ”
“A friend.” Luka rolled his eyes, his arms still crossed tightly over his chest.
“Yeah, I know.” Reno felt himself smile and he sipped from his drink. “Turns out I’m bad at trying to be your friend.”
“I’ll say.” Luka tilted his head to look at Reno and his heavy gaze set a chill down Reno’s spine.
“You’re so attractive," Reno blurted, then let out a small laugh when Luka glared at him again. “I never stayed online looking for you for long each time. Online can be scary, and digging for someone I don’t know on the internet feels really bad.”
“I’m sort of surprised you didn’t find me. I’ve been active in your fan base for over ten years.”
Reno shrugged. “Again, I didn’t try very hard. I try to stay away from it all.”
“Me too, now," Luka agreed and his arms uncrossed as he went for his drink. “Still, I had a few—” He cut himself off again and his nose wrinkled before stirring his straw in the melting ice. “Never mind.”
“Oh, no you don’t.” Reno poked him, and Luka swatted at him. “Say it.”
“I had some..." Luka groaned and looked at the ceiling again before admitting, “Some art that went viral a few years back and um, a lot of the official fan pages shared it. I’m kind of surprised you didn’t see it.”
“What art?” Reno sat up straighter and felt his heart rate kick up. “Can I see?”
“No way.” Luka laughed, then scrubbed a hand over his face. “I will die.”
“No, you won’t!” Reno went for his phone and pulled it out, ignoring the multiple texts from his friends and Kandi as he opened his social media accounts. “Where was it shared?”
“This was years ago. I’m not saying!” Luka watched in horror as Reno started to scroll down a fan page. “Stop it.”
Reno held his phone out of Luka’s reach when he tried to grab it, laughing at the way Luka flustered so beautifully.
“Reno, I will destroy you.”
“Please do," Reno said breathlessly, his phone over his head as Luka nearly crawled into his lap to get to it. “Ruin me.”
Luka slumped down into the seat with his eyes wide. “You.”
“Me.”
Luka rolled his eyes. “Ridiculous.”
“I think it’s fair if I tell you about getting drunk on my best friend’s floor and crying about not being able to find you that you show me your art.”
“You cried?”
“Oh.” Reno put his phone on the table. “Oops. Yeah.”
“Because”—Luka raised an eyebrow—“you couldn’t find me?”
“Sage tried to help.” Reno tapped a finger against the back of his phone. “Sort of, at first. She also put a stop to me trying after a while because it was making me a little insane.”
“A little?” Luka’s expression was pure disbelief. “You’re fully insane.”
“True.” Reno tapped his finger again. “I’m also very emotional, especially when I’ve had too much to drink. Usually, I am happy when drinking but sometimes I get overwhelmed and it’s all too much and there was a particular night when Sage caught me in a mood, and I ended up crying.”
“Over me?”
“Sure, kind of.” Reno slowly spun his phone on the table, giving himself something to do other than look at Luka.
“Over trying and failing to see you in the crowd at the U.S. tour two years ago. About how lonely it is to not have anyone to give myself to wholly. I feel misplaced a lot, like I don’t really have a home.
I’m not in mine much, and when I am, it is empty.
I really wanted to come home to someone, make my flat feel like a real home.
And, at the time Sage had a new boyfriend she was very excited about and I got jealous.
I was really tired after flying back, mild sick, and wanted attention, and she was texting him instead of hanging out with me and I got weird about it. ”
“Did you like her?”
“No, I never felt like that about her. I think if I did she would gut me, anyway. But, it gets hard knowing I live in a way that isn’t good for building relationship and love and watching my best friend get to be at home with her man.”
“I’m glad it wasn’t just about me. That would be pretty delusional.”
“Ah, so mean,” Reno smirked at him. “I’m a different type of delusional. I don’t just cry about not being able to find Luka, I cry about not being able to find him, and a lot of other things all at once.”
“So, what kind of delusional are you?”
“The kind that thinks I can do anything.” Reno finished his drink. “I have a nasty mindset that if I try to get something or do something, I can. And to the misfortune of everyone around me, I continue to keep getting everything I want.”
“Rough," Luka chuckled. “Lucky for me, however.”
Reno’s heart melted. “I’m happy you still think that after hearing all of that. Somehow, I am not scaring you away.”
“I’m the one who drew fan art of you for ten years.” Luka clapped a hand over his mouth and groaned.
“He finally admits it fully! I’m so proud. I have your art on my phone.”
Luka put his other hand over the first and curled in on himself. Muffled, he said, “No way.”
“Mhm.” Reno peeled Luka’s hands away from his face. “You are spectacular.”
“You didn’t say.”
“I knew you were embarrassed. But, you have no reason to be.” Reno assured Luka, “You draw me more beautifully than I’ve ever seen myself. If I hadn’t already found you and I saw your art, I would hunt you down. You make me feel seen.”
“I—” Luka let Reno hold his hands, his shoulders slumped in defeat. “This is crazy, right?”
“Yes.” Reno squeezed Luka’s hands.
“I mean, I’m here.” Luka looked around them. “I’m in another country, nervous as hell while you tell me you cried because you couldn’t find me and you knew the whole time I drew fanart of you, and, oh my god, I’m holding hands with the man I drew fanart of for over a decade.”
“I’m holding hands with the man I sought after for a decade. Life is weird. Are you done eating?”
“I don’t think I could have another bite if I tried.” Luka blinked and Reno could see how wet his eyes were so he carefully put Luka’s hands down and let them go.
“Come home with me?”
Luka looked surprised for a moment before asking timidly. “Play violin for me?”
“Tomorrow,” Reno promised. “Violin is loud for this late; I try to be kind to my neighbors.”
“Oh.” Luka looked disappointed and Reno was ready to reassure him he’d play for as long as Luka wanted in the morning to make up for it when Luka said, “So I need to be kinda quiet then, hm?”
“Wait, what?”
“If you’re worried about the neighbors," Luka said, “I’ve never had to watch my volume with you before.”
“What do you—” Reno paused and felt his cheeks warm, “You’re so devious. Trouble.”
Luka hummed. “Show me your bed, Reno.”
Reno couldn’t help himself as he leaned into Luka’s space and stole a kiss from him, excitement and nerves bubbling up into his chest as Luka pressed back against him. “Let’s go," Reno mumbled against Luka’s lips before pulling away and out of the booth, giving Luka a hand to help him up.
Luka held onto his hand until Reno had to pay Conner, who was polite enough to not comment on the way they leaned against each other and when they stepped out into the brisk night together, Reno’s fingers itched to reach out to Luka and hold him close.
By the time Reno let Luka into his building and closed the door behind them, Luka was shivering.
Reno grabbed Luka’s hands to warm them up, making Luka laugh and say, “I’m pretty sure you don’t live in a stairwell.” Before pulling his hands away and motioning for Reno to guide them up the stairs.
Inside his flat, Reno toed out of his shoes after Luka did, locked the door, then stood frozen with his back against the frame watching as Luka stood in his living room.
A million overlapping images of Luka, of them—living together, existing together, of waking up together in this space—rushed over Reno as Luka timidly stepped deeper into his home.
Luka’s fingers brushed over the pink blanket draped over the couch, the sheet music open on its stand, the plant by the window, then the framed photo of Arnaud and Amelia on the bookshelf.
Reno’s hands trembled as Luka touched his possessions, his patience starting to wear thin, and a desperate need to crawl into Luka and stay there running through him.
“You’ll play for me tomorrow?”
“I promise,” Reno replied, as Luka ran a finger over one of the violin’s strings. “Will you reward me?”
“What do you want?”
Reno hummed, padding closer to Luka where he stood. Luka’s frame looked lovely against the window, the city lights behind him framing him through sheer window curtains. “Applause, in the form of a kiss.”
Luka smiled. “You can’t be serious with all that.”
“All of what?”
“You don’t realize how over the top your flirting is, do you?”
Reno reached for him, pressing a hand against his high cheekbone and said, “I mean it.”
“People don’t talk like that. It’s not realistic.”
Reno wondered how Luka got it into his head that he wasn't worth genuine affection, that it wasn’t his reality to be showered with attention. “I’m sorry someone made you feel like that’s truth.”
“Many someones.” Luka’s smile turned sad and Reno wanted to kiss it away. “Will you try to prove to me otherwise?”
“Can I start now?”
Luka rolled his eyes, looking so sincere it made Reno shake. Still, in a faint voice, he said, “Yes.”
Reno took in Luka’s pale skin, his overcast eyes, his light magenta hair, his slender but solid frame, and led him by the hand to his room.
He pressed his lips against Luka’s, marveling at how well they slotted together, then took his time pulling Luka apart and putting him back together again and again until Luka looked moments from falling asleep.
Reno remembered how Luka said it was difficult for him to fall asleep in unfamiliar places and felt a surge of pride—looking down at Luka’s flushed face as his breathing evened out into deep sleep—that he’d become someone and some place, that Luka decided was safe and familiar.
1 Morning, beloved person,
2 Morning,
3 Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
4 Good morning, my captain,
5 Yes, my angel.
6 Sorry,
7 I still love you,
8 No,
9 No. It can’t be helped, not yet.
10 I understand,
11 I am sorry.
12 Yes.
13 Luka is waiting.
14 Hust/be quiet,
15 Luka: Thank you very much
Reno: See you later
16 Bye/Later,