Chapter 17 #3
“You’re wrong,” Reno said over him. “This is wrong.”
“Reno," Kandi said in her calmest voice.
“No.” Reno pushed away from the table. “You aren’t worried about me. You’re worried about your numbers and your ratings, and you think if I was out of the closet, then Voltage’s ranking would plummet.”
“We are worried—”
“Do you think the quality of my music changes because of who I love?” The word love stuck to his tongue like ash. “People who listen to my music will still enjoy it, and if someone doesn’t anymore because of who I am, then I don’t want their money anyway.”
“They’re not suggesting that," Kandi said, and suddenly he felt so betrayed by her that it made him sick. “There’s been a big uptick of negative activity since you started seeing Luka—”
“Don’t you dare talk about him,” Reno snapped, standing. “I’ll be back.”
He stormed out of the conference room, ignoring Kandi’s pleas to stay. He ignored his bandmates' confused looks as he grabbed his bag, fuming, from the practice room and left without a word. He ignored Jasmine’s concerned frown as he rushed by the front desk and out the building’s doors.
He could feel it so clearly as he looked up to the top of the skyscraper—the crushing weight of what just happened, too heavy on his shoulders.
The rush of traffic behind him left him feeling too warm and in the near distance, a police siren went off.
He felt his entire life narrowing to a pinpoint made of money—it looked like the black, narrow peak of Sterling’s building—a careful balance of performance and popularity that kept him in line.
He needed to walk away.
He left in an aimless direction, tearing his gaze away from the way the skyscraper cut such an aggressive shape into the clear, blue sky.
He’d text his band later, explain. He’d call Kandi, apologize for storming out, and maybe have the courage to ask her what would happen to him if he fought against the PR team’s demands.
He’d talk to Luka—maybe cry.
Luka needed to know what just happened, but Reno didn’t know where to begin. How could he go home to a sick Luka and tell him that the label wanted him to choose?
Would you fight for me, though?—I won’t let you.
Reno bit back a frustrated noise. Luka didn’t get to decide whether or not Reno fought for him. He was quickly learning that Luka’s self-sacrificing ways came from a place of insecurity, a feeling of unworthiness.
But if there was one thing Reno was determined to prove to Luka since they’d met, it was that Luka was worthy of Reno’s love.
He pulled out his phone to check the time and decided he was allowed to be rude today.
“Mom," Reno said as soon as the phone stopped ringing.
“Hikaru, what is wrong?” How did she always know? Reno turned into a small park, and found it mostly empty. “You usually don’t call so late.”
“I know. I’m sorry.” Reno wanted to be with her so badly it felt like he’d tear in half. He slumped down on a swing and admitted, “I’ve had a really bad day.”
“It isn’t that boy, is it?”
“No, thankfully.” Reno leaned his head against the swing’s chain. “It’s work.”
His mom hummed thoughtfully before asking, “Do you want my honest opinion?”
“You don’t even know what work did to upset me.”
“Sure, but every job comes with hard days. Sometimes those days feel like the end of the world.”
Reno did feel a bit like the world was ending. “They want me to keep my relationship secret, move flats, and stay quiet about who I am.”
“Do you remember when you got your first guitar?”
“Yeah, why?”
“I don’t think I’ve ever seen you so excited. It was hard for me to see you love it more than the violin, but don’t think I did not understand why.”
“You never said.”
“I know the violin makes you think of your father. It is why I tell you to keep playing—to keep him alive.”
“Oh…" Reno didn’t think he could handle this conversation today of all days. “Why bring up my guitar?”
“Some people are born lovers; you’re one of them. I saw you love that thing harder than most men love their wives.”
Reno let out a shaky laugh. “That is true.”
“You and Sato-kun, we could always see you coming home because of your travel cases sticking up over everything. You took it everywhere with you. Such a talented boy. I still talk to him, you know?”
“Me too.”
“You both work in music, still. Do you know why?”
“Because we’re irresponsible?”
She laughed. “It is because you love so deeply. There is a force that drives you. I’ve watched it consume you since you were so little.
It makes you keep going when everyone tells you that you shouldn’t.
And, you were dedicated and blessed enough that you figured out how to drive that force into music to share with people around you. ”
Reno didn’t know what to say to that.
“I hear your music on the radio sometimes. Do you know how special that is?”
Reno felt his eyes burning. “I didn’t know that.”
“I will be with friends at a restaurant, and I’ll realize that the song playing is an instrumental of one of yours. Your songs are beautiful when they are redone in soft ways.”
“I didn’t even know they made those of my songs.”
“You are ridiculous.” She sounded proud when she said, “All the best artists have their songs remade that way for stores.”
“You think I’m one of the best?”
“Ah, don’t make me say silly things. My point is, everyone around you can tell why you make music.”
“Because if I don’t, I will go crazy?”
“Yes, and because you love it. Because you are a lover. You’re as bad as I am.”
“You can never be bad,” Reno argued.
She huffed over the line. “Tell that to the ice cream I had before bed.” She giggled then said, “Don’t let them take that from you. You are a big success. Many big-shot artists go solo when they start to feel trapped.”
“I can’t leave my band. They are my world.”
“Then bring them with you, if you must.”
Reno couldn’t imagine asking his friends to step away from the label that had given them everything, just because they wanted Reno to maintain his image.
He said, “I will think about it. I want to try first.”
“Try what?”
“To change their minds.” His phone buzzed in his hand, not for the first time since he’d called his mom. He knew people were trying to reach him. “I think I may have lost my temper today.”
“That is rare. They really upset you, I see.”
“Yes. They said I would be attacked because I am gay.”
She made a contemplative noise. “Are you?”
“Bisexual, I guess.” He’d never outright said it to his mother before, and it was a relief to do so. “I feel the same about men and women.”
“And they think because of this, you will be attacked? Are people still so awful?”
“I didn’t think so. Now, I’m not so sure. They let people get married legally here now, no matter what gender, so I thought people were past thinking that way.”
“You know people are not so simple.” She paused for a moment before saying, “But, you do know people look up to you, yes?”
“I guess so.”
“Imagine how you would have felt as a young boy if your favorite celebrity was open about loving both men and women.”
Reno felt stunned by the thought. “I would have felt so much more…normal.”
“You were always normal. People will maybe be mad if you show the world you love this man, but also, there will be so many boys like you who will be relieved that someone they look up to is like them, too. They will feel less alone.”
“I didn’t think of that.” Reno’s phone buzzed again, and he frowned. “I think I need to go, my phone is getting so many texts. I kind of walked out in the middle of a workday.”
“I think that is reasonable on this occasion.”
“How did I get so lucky?” Reno asked.
“It is easy to accept you. I see you happy when you are yourself.”
“I’m sorry for waking you,” Reno apologized. “I hope you can go back to sleep.”
“Don’t worry about me. I will talk to you soon.”
“Goodnight," Reno said before he heard the line go silent.
He opened his messaging app and found several messages in the band group chat asking where he’d gone and if he was okay. There were a few from Kandi too. He opened those first.
Kandi
I'm sorry
I just finished yelling at them. They had no right to say those things.
I shouldn't have agreed with them. You're right and I hope you are somewhere safe.
I went to the park down the street to call my mom. I'm really mad at you.
I deserve it. Will you come back so we can talk?
Yes. Give me a bit. Tell the others I am safe, please.
Of course, take your time. Cane will come get you soon.
Reno tilted his head and looked at the sky.
Not a cloud in sight. A perfect day to lead into June.
He’d only known Luka since the start of April, and already he had allowed him to change his life.
He started to wonder if he was defective in some way, if he was too giving. If he was too fast to fold.
He already felt the anger from earlier seeping out of him, and he tried to hold onto it.
He hated how easily his anger turned to sadness and then lingered, difficult to digest and harder to let go of.
He didn’t want to be an angry person, necessarily.
But, he’d like it if he could hold on to his anger long enough to storm back into work and tell the public relations team exactly what he thought of them. Instead, he just felt sad.
At least Kandi yelled at them. He smiled to himself at the thought. She could be really intimidating when she wanted to be, which is how she’d held her coveted position as Voltage’s manager for over a decade. He knew if he told Arnaud what Tomas and Manu had said, he’d yell at them too.
He already wasn’t mad at Kandi anymore. He knew she was just trying to do her job and said the wrong thing. She’d always have his back, even if she made mistakes sometimes. And, if there was anyone who could help Reno form a plan to get him his way, it was her.
“Hey." Cane appeared out of nowhere right by the swing set, and Reno jumped a little, surprised. “You okay?”
“No,” Reno admitted, twisting the swing to the side before letting it snap back into place. “Everything sucks.”
“Been a while since I’ve seen you like this.” Cane sat on the other swing by Reno, and the sight of such a large man on such a small seat was almost comical. “Do you want me to stay with you at your flat for a while?”
“You’d do that?”
“Of course.” Cane shrugged. “I’ve been looking out for you guys for years. I do take protecting you seriously.”
“I forget sometimes you aren’t just a friend to us.”
“I’m happy to hear that," Cane said. “I’m real lucky to get to work for you. I think what you do is really important, so I’d like for you to stay alive.”
“You think what we do is important?”
“Man.” Cane shook his head in disbelief. “Sometimes I wish you got to be in the crowd more instead of on stage. Maybe then you’d see what your music means to your fans. I’ve heard so many people, so many times, in so many different countries, say that your music is what kept them alive.”
“They’re exaggerating.” Reno shuffled his feet in the pebbles, digging a hole with the toe of his shoe.
“They’re not. Music does that for people. It inspires them, makes them feel less alone. You guys do a good job at writing about stuff that’s relatable and touches people. So, yeah.” He scratched his cheek awkwardly. “I’d sleep on your doorstep if it meant keeping you okay.”
“I’d never ask you to do that.” Reno’s head was spinning; there were only so many emotional conversations he could take in one day. “If you could be nearby, though, it would make me feel a lot better. And, watch out for Luka.”
“I already do,” Cane said, and Reno felt like a weight lifted off of him. “I’m gonna have to get one of my boys to watch out for this Maxine girl too, won’t I?”
“Unless she dumps T-yan’s ass for lying to her. Then you don’t have to worry about it.”
Cane chuckled and got up from the swing. “Come on, there’s a few hours left in the day, and Zana is real worried about you.”
“Okay.” Reno grabbed his bag and followed him out of the park, grateful for his company.
He knew he still had to face his bandmates, Kandi, and probably Tomas and Manu.
But, he trusted that they would forgive him.
Then, hopefully, he could spend the rest of the day playing music to ease his tender heart.
1 my angel.
2 Never again.
3 Kitten,