Chapter 30 Sawyer
CHAPTER THIRTY
SAWYER
A bell rings, and I hate the way I expect it to be Aiden walking in here. It happens often, because through all this, my bakery has been doing amazing. I closed for a week but allowed open orders on the website, and now I’m behind.
I also have no help.
Not that I officially fired Aiden, but he hasn’t been back here. I didn’t think he would be. Even if it was all bullshit, I’ll admit having Aiden’s help was great.
I’ve just finished writing down all the orders I need to fulfill since we reopened.
I smile, seeing the familiar face. “Mrs. Ramirez.”
“Hello, sweet boy. Oh my goodness, look at this place. You’ve really upgraded in here.”
I smile, and I think back to months ago when she used to come into an empty bakery.
With the changes to our opening hours I have a lot more customers, and now that it’s summer there are a few teenagers sitting at a table talking and laughing, a man working on his laptop, and a mother with two of her kids.
It’s like everything I’ve ever wanted.
But I’m deeply unhappy.
I can’t stop thinking about him.
I’ve been in love two times before, but I’ve never been in love like this. I have to keep working to stop thinking about it. I can’t stop. If I stop, I think. And when I think, it’s only of him.
His absence is so heavy it weighs on every part of me.
“Are you alright?” I look up and realize Mrs. Ramirez has been talking to me.
“Oh, yes. Sorry.” I fake a smile as big as I can manage. “Just tired is all.”
“Well, get some rest. You can’t burn yourself out.” She looks around me. “I thought you hired help?” Hearing her bring up Aiden hurts too much. It’s like a punch to the chest.
“Oh uh, they quit.” She eyes me a moment, understanding in her eyes.
“Ah well, that’s a shame.”
“I’ll get someone in soon,” I say absently. I don’t know what that would look like. I don’t want anyone else here. I miss him. Sure, he’s a dick a lot of the time. Blunt to a fault.
He’s also kind.
He’s cute when he sleeps or when his body is wrapped around mine. He’s so touch starved and clingy, that hard shell melts away revealing a man who just wants to be loved. Even if he doesn’t understand it himself.
Holy shit, I need to stop thinking about him.
I put the desserts she chooses into a box and wrap it with a bow. “I hope you and your granddaughter have a nice visit this week.” I smile.
She returns the gesture. “Are you sure you’re okay? Do you need anything?”
I need to not feel Aiden in every breath I take. “I’m okay, really. I’m so busy now it’s amazing.”
“Well, if you’re sure. Just don’t work yourself too hard.”
“I won’t. You have a great day.” I wave as she leaves then hear the bell again after a moment. I think it’s her again, that she forgot something, but then I see Koda walk into the bakery without Katya. “Where’s Katya?”
He smirks. “She’s safe. Don’t worry.” He looks around the bakery. “Can we talk for a minute?”
I nod, letting him come to the back. This is so weird.
Unlike Katya, I see no resemblance between us and Koda.
His hair is gray, and I wonder if that’s natural.
His eyes are also a pale blue, almost silver.
“I look like my mother.” He laughs. “I see you trying to piece it all together. Thank god we don’t take after Ivan, right? ”
This is all so weird and awkward. “This is just a lot. I don’t know.”
Koda leans against the wall, nodding. “I know.”
“You didn’t know, right?”
“About you, me, and Jane?” I nod. “No, I didn’t. Really gross, I hit on my sister.” That makes me laugh. “Does Jane know?”
I nod. She came up to visit last week and I told her everything. I had Hunter and Jamie with me, and after the initial shock, all she wanted was to see Katya. She’s coming next week and I want them to meet. I want to know how much that little girl knows. “Does Katya know?”
“Yeah.” He smiles. “It’s been an adjustment. It’s just unbelievable.”
“What do you want to talk about?” And please let it not be him. Although I wonder how he’s doing, where he’s sleeping if he’s not still in his car. He’s slept in there for years. No! I won’t feel bad for him.
“I want to talk about Katya.” He takes a deep breath. “Look, I know this is a lot but . . . she needs a place to stay. I . . . fuck, I can’t let her go into the system. I can’t. I also can’t care for her.”
“Wasn’t this Aiden’s grand plan? Why hasn’t he taken her?” That concerns me more than anything.
“He won’t talk to me.” Koda looks uncomfortable. “He’s still out there, though. I saw his car the other day, but when I went to talk to him, he cussed me out. He’s not doing great.”
“Well, that’s called karma.”
Koda looks at me. “Look, I get this whole thing is fucked up. I know it is. But you don’t know Aiden the way I do.”
“That’s a fucking understatement, no?”
“No, listen to me. I met Aiden when his mother got with my dad. I was only eight. His mother sold him into this life. She used him as leverage. All my life he’s acted like a dick to me, but I know the truth.”
“What’s that?”
“Aiden has protected me since the day I met him. He won’t ever admit it, but I know that’s why he was wrapped up in this shit.
If he did shit for Ivan, I didn’t have to.
If I fucked up, he took the fall for me.
If there was a dangerous job, he’d volunteer to do it.
Aiden loves deeply. He might not express it outwardly, but you can feel it, and you can be pissed all you want, but I know you do feel it. ”
No. This is insane. “He tried to steal from me.”
“For her. For our sister. And I’m sorry, but Ivan was coming here one way or another.
You’re lucky it was Aiden. That night he came to your apartment with those wounds?
I did that to him. Ivan forced me to.” My eyes snap to him.
“He took the fall for me, said he took Katya on his own while I was watching her. He took the fall for me, and I had to whip him for saving me. You can be pissed, but there are things we’ve had to do all our lives to survive. ”
“Why are you telling me all this?”
“Because it’s my turn to protect him. What he did is fucked up, but it’s a mistake if you think Aiden had a choice.
You’re lucky you didn’t grow up like we did.
Your mother saved you. Aiden protected you.
We only had orders, and Aiden betrayed his because he’s in love with you.
Now he’s in the middle of the woods, probably waiting to die because he hurt you.
He hasn’t even been by to see her, and I need one of you to get your shit together and help me with Katya.
She can’t go to a home, but I’m not fit to raise her. ”
“What do you want me to do?”
“Take her. I need you to take her.”
“I can’t raise a kid, I—”
“Think about it, okay? Just think about it. Kenji’s patience is wearing thin. I need one of you to take her. She can’t live where I’m going, alright? We have no other family. Think about it, Sawyer. Is that what you want for her?”
“That’s not fair.”
“Welcome to my life. To Aiden’s life. Do you really want her going into foster care?”
I glare at Koda, but I already know my answer.
No, I don’t.
I knock softly, waiting at the door. Koda’s words haven’t left my mind all day. I know it’s late, but I really need to talk to someone. I hate bothering him, but I need this. I took a rideshare here, and now wonder if I should just have texted him.
After a moment the door opens, and Hunter is standing in a pair of boxers frowning at me. “Everything alright?”
“No,” I admit. I’m minutes from breaking down and I don’t want to hide anymore. I’m miserable, and Koda’s visit didn’t help. This wound had barely stitched together and Koda just opened it all back up again.
Instead of saying anything else, he grabs me in a hug and squeezes me tight. I cling to him and lose it. Everything feels so heavy. I hate it.
After a moment I pull away, wiping my eyes. “Sorry.”
He smiles kindly at me. “Never say sorry. Come in.” I follow him inside and take off my shoes. I see Mark sleeping on the couch, a movie playing on the TV. “Sorry, I know it’s late.”
“Don’t worry about him. This house could fall down around us and he wouldn’t wake up. Do you know that Noah slept between us once and he never even woke up?”
“Do I want to ask?”
Hunter laughs. “No. Probably not.”
“I know it’s late.”
“It’s never too late for you, man.” He looks back toward the kitchen. “Let me change and we can go outside. Go help yourself to a drink. I’ll be right out.”
I go to his fridge and grab one of the hard ciders he has in there, and then I step out onto the back deck. It’s a nice night out now, and I think about Aiden sleeping in his car.
He slept in his car all winter. For her.
“So . . .” Hunter steps out onto the porch in a pair of sweats. “Does this feel a little like déjà vu, or is it just me?” He drops down into the chair next to me. “If I recall, you said something like you can see bullshit a mile away. Or something.”
“Shut up.” I smirk, taking a sip of my drink. Years ago, our situations were switched, and I comforted Hunter because Mark had lied to him. Like Aiden, Mark had been blackmailed into doing something he didn’t want to do. “Turns out love shuts the bullshit meter off.”
“That it does.” He takes a sip of his drink.
Hunter hadn’t been sure he’d ever forgive Mark, but I knew he would. Now here we are, so many years later. It took a bit for me to warm up to Mark, but I know he’s a good guy, and he loves my friend the way he needs.
What if Aiden is exactly what I need?
“I’d ask how you’re holding up, but you’re here with me on a Friday night instead of Aiden.”
Fuck, his name stings. “Koda stopped by earlier.”
“Oh yeah? Still can’t believe he’s your half brother.”
“I can’t believe my father was a sadistic asshole. My mother . . . My mother was the wife of a mob guy. My mother.” He laughs. I can’t even wrap my head around it. “I want to ask her so many questions.”