Chapter 31 Sawyer
CHAPTER THIRTY-ONE
SAWYER
I’m not sure I remember how I got here, how fast I walked, or even how I’m still moving with the absolute nerves rattling my gut as I walk through these woods. Ivan’s gone. I need to remind myself that Ivan’s gone. And Katya’s gone somewhere with Koda for now.
It’s not fair to ask him to watch her. I know that. And shit, he’s my brother too. This is such a mess. My mind is still trying to fit all the pieces together, and I know that deep down Aiden isn’t at fault.
He’s as much a victim as the rest of us.
He lied to me. He hurt me. He put me in danger.
No, I don’t believe that last part. He wanted to protect me from danger.
He did lie to me, but deep down I know he had no choice.
I’d go to the ends of the earth to protect my sister.
He wanted to free them both, and being a prisoner makes you desperate.
He didn’t know me when he started this job.
I know he’s not violent or evil. A little gruff, yeah, fine.
A little bit of a dick to the people around him. On the outside, yeah. It’s his armor.
Twigs break beneath my feet as I make my way down the path. I waited until it got light outside to take a rideshare to the farmhouse. Koda thinks he’s still here.
I’m in pain, but I think that pain is from missing him. Not from his betrayal.
I walk for a few more minutes, like Koda said to do, until I find his car parked by a tree. How long has he stayed out here? Cam said he came to the gym last winter for a membership. He was acting weird then.
I guess we all know why now.
That means he spent the brutal winter out here. For her. To save as much money as possible, to start a life free of all this pain and brutality. He wanted to do what my mother did. Once she found out she was having another child, she escaped, and hid from him ever since.
If she’d stayed, this would have been my life.
I would’ve been as trapped as Aiden. Now it’s all over.
Kenji has his mother’s statue.
I have Ivan’s necklace.
And best of all, Ivan’s gone.
I shove my hands in my pockets, the light black zip-up I’m wearing warding off the morning chill. It has to be about seven now, and as I approach the car, I see him. Asleep. A tiny smile splits my face.
I love watching him sleep.
It’s the most relaxed he gets, and I love it for him. He’s too high strung, but I guess when you carry as much weight as he does, it drags you down.
Not anymore.
I rap my knuckles on the window and watch him stir. He blinks his eyes open, then they widen when he sees me. Damn.
I missed those violet eyes.
His pouty scowl and attitude soaking every movement of his skin.
He’s so not what I go for.
He’s cynical, grouchy, and I love this doberman of a man more than anything. I felt it that first day we met, and I’ve let that feeling grow every single day since.
I wait for a moment as he slowly opens the door and gets out, trying not to meet my eyes, but he keeps sneaking glances. Air chokes my lungs. He looks horrible. The farmhouse is empty, but I wouldn’t want to stay in there either.
“You shouldn’t be here.” His voice has a rough rasp to it, as if he hasn’t spoken in days. I step closer to him and watch as he braces. “Don’t.”
“Don’t tell me what to do.” I step again, his body going rigid. Aiden’s eyes well, his bottom lip trembling as he looks away.
“Leave me alone. I don’t want you here.”
“Liar.” I step again, only a foot of space between us. He shakes his head, looking away. Slowly my hand braces his shoulder, begging him to look at me. He keeps softly shaking his head.
“Stop it.” His voice breaks. He struggles away from me, pushing my hand off him. I’m not giving up.
All his life, people have neglected, hurt, and abandoned him.
What Aiden did was shitty. He lied to me.
The thing is, desperation is ugly. I can judge him all I want, but I’ve never had to be in Aiden’s position.
All he wanted was a safe life for his sister.
To give her the childhood that he never got.
The childhood I got to have because of my mother’s choices.
Desperation makes people do things they normally wouldn’t. Instead of punishing those who put us there, a lot of the times we punish the victims forced to make impossible choices.
I refuse to punish him.
I see the regret and sadness soaking into him. “Aiden—”
“Leave me alone, please.” He presses his palms to his eyes, trying to sink into the car door. Birds chirp around us, and the sun attempts to break through the trees.
All I see is this beautiful broken boy who’s finding out for the first time in his life what it means to be loved.
“I’m not going to do that.”
“Go bother someone else.” Aiden shakes his head.
“No.”
“I’m finally free. Leave me alone.”
“No.”
“I don’t want this! Leave me alone! I don’t want to be with you.
I hate watching your stupid baking shows, and sleeping in bed under your suffocating arms. I hate watching you make a mess of your kitchen while you try recipes.
I hate watching the look on your face when you create something new.
I especially hate midnight drives and late-night talks. ” He swallows.
This stubborn man. “Are you done?” He looks up at me, his eyes ready to spill, and I step into him.
Into his space. Slowly I reach out my hands and brace either side of his face, my thumbs smoothing along his cheeks and forcing him to look at me.
“Tell me you hate me. Look me in the eyes and tell me all that again.” He tries to shake out of my hold.
“Look me in the eye and tell me you don’t love me, and I’ll leave you alone. ”
I wait, my lungs shrinking with every minute that ticks by.
“Leave me alone,” he whispers instead.
“Never.” I press my forehead to his, closing my eyes, my thumbs still smoothing along his cheeks. “I’m never leaving you alone.”
Shock hits me when I feel the pressure of his arms slowly wrap around me. My eyes open the moment his ice wall shatters and cracks into a million pieces. He fits his face into my neck and sobs with his fingers bunched into my jacket.
I don’t know how long we stand there while Aiden gives me all the grief and pain he’s held onto. “I got you.” I kiss the side of his head and hug him back, smoothing my hands along his spine. “You’re not alone, Aiden.”
“I’m so sorry.” The words are muffled in my neck.
“I know you are.” I stroke his hair until he calms down and pulls back. “Let’s go home.”
“What?”
“We’re going home.” I cup his face. “Come on.”
Aiden’s been quiet the entire drive to my house.
I’m thankful the damage wasn’t too bad and I only had to close for that one week while I got everything back in order.
Apart from the physical damage Ivan did, I’ll admit that my head’s still a mess.
I haven’t let the full weight of everything sink in yet.
“I don’t understand this,” Aiden finally says as he pulls up at my bakery.
Of course he doesn’t. No one’s ever fought for him.
No one’s ever put him first or made him feel wanted.
Instead of answering him, I get out of the car and walk to my door with him trailing behind.
When we walk in, I can’t help replaying everything that happened like I have a thousand times since that morning.
He told me he thinks he’s in love with me.
Only, I know the truth. He loves me very much, even if he struggles to show it.
Aiden loves me quietly.
There are no grand gestures.
It’s in his actions. His delivery sometimes needs work, but Aiden loves his family deeply. Katya, and even Koda although he won’t admit it.
And me. I know he loves me.
“What’s going on?”
“Well, you’re going to take a shower.” I smile. “I assume you’ve been in the woods since everything happened.”
“This is ridiculous. I’m not your problem.”
“No. You’re right. You’re not my problem.
” I walk up to him, grabbing his wrist and dragging his ass down the hall, though I know Aiden could break out of my grip if he wanted to.
I lead him into the bathroom. “You’re my boyfriend.
The worst boyfriend I’ve ever had.” I think I see a tiny smile try to slip. “Now strip and take a shower.”
“No.” Aiden’s stubborn lip tightens. Ignoring him, I turn the shower on and let the steam of the shower tempt this stubborn man. “What are you doing?”
“We’re showering.”
“Just leave me alone. I don’t want—”
“I love you. I love you a lot. You did a really shitty thing. Instead of talking to me and telling me the mess you were in, you lied to me. Even though I know you didn’t want to.
I understand why you did it. I’d do anything to help my sister too.
I get it. I get it more than most. What I’m pissed about now is that since everything happened, you’ve tucked your fucking tail between your legs and scurried back to your car in the woods without talking to me, as if what we had could be easily forgotten. ”
“Sawyer—”
“The sad part is, I know you actually thought that I wouldn’t fight for you.
That simply because you disappeared, I’d forget you.
Like everyone else in your life. You thought I’d abandon you, and I’m not quite sure if that’s because of how devastatingly shitty people have been to you, or that you truly think so little of me to believe I’d just move on. ”
“Sawyer.”
“I love you, Aiden. I love you, and I’m not going anywhere.
I refuse to let you stay in those woods waiting to die.
If you want to shower alone, that’s fine.
I understand. If you don’t want to be with me .
. . fine. I understand. But stop fucking lying to me.
You’re going to shower either way, whether you want me or not, and then you’re going to sleep in a warm bed, with me or not.
I’ll sleep on the couch. I don’t care. Then in the morning we’re going to find Koda and get Katya and bring her here. ”
“What?!” Aiden’s eyes widen.
“I ordered a bed and some other things to start. I’m turning that spare room into a bedroom.
For her. She’s moving here. Koda can’t take care of her on his own, and he wants to move and go live with Kenji.
I won’t let my family down. Ever. So, while I am so fucking pissed you kept things from me, I understand why you did it. I understand you.”
Aiden stares at me a moment, his eyes wavering. I’m barely holding myself together at this point.
“Shower with me, please.” His voice is so quiet. My heart breaks a little more.
Aiden reaches behind him, taking off his shirt. I follow, letting my own clothes drop as he quietly takes off the rest of his. I try not to let my eyes linger on his body too much, but I can’t help noticing how even after only two weeks he looks so much thinner. I wonder if he’s eaten much.
Food next, then.
“Come on.” I reach for him and take a breath when his hand is in mine, and I lead him to the shower. We get in and I bring the soap to his chest. In the silence I clean him up, noticing the sharp rise and fall of his breath.
“Why?”
I keep my eyes on his chest as I clean him. “Because I love you.” I trail the sponge along his stomach, watching his muscles flex under it. “Because I know that while you hurt me, you did what you had to.”
“I betrayed you.”
“You wanted to save your sister.” I swallow. “Our sister.”
“I hurt you.”
I nod, focusing on his body and turning him gently to clean his back.
“You did.” I feel him shudder under my fingers.
I’m losing him again. I can be angry. I could beat him up over this.
But no one is hurting him more than he’s hurting himself right now.
“I also know that you’re sorrier than I can even understand right now. ”
When he’s all soaped up, I hang the sponge on a hook and wrap my arms around him.
“I’m sorry,” he says.
He melts in my arms, and I want to take every bit of pain and sadness away from him.
“Tell me what I want to hear, Aiden.” Those bright violet eyes blink, barely holding back tears. “Tell me the truth.”
I watch his jaw work. He watches me for a moment. “I love you.”
There’s so much weight in those words. I know someone like him doesn’t take them lightly. “Will you hurt me again?”
“Most likely. I have no idea what the fuck I’m doing.” His eyes harden with so much heat behind them. I blink at him and watch him deflate. “No.”
“Cheat on m—”
“No.” His jaw clenches. “Never.”
“I know you had no one else to help you, that you’re used to being alone.
But I am not leaving you. I am not giving up on you.
I love you. Do you hear me? I love you so much, and it’s killing me seeing you in so much pain.
You don’t deserve the abuse you’ve been through.
I can’t imagine how scared you must have felt. ”
“I did something horrible.”
“You tried to save your sister’s life, and then tried hard to save mine when shit got too deep for you to wade through. You dealt with all of that alone.”
“Don’t make excuses.”
“It’s not an excuse. It’s a fact. I see you, Aiden.
The real you. You aren’t just some asshole who tried to ruin my life.
You’re someone with his back against the wall trying to save his family.
You’re the bravest person I know.” Right next to my mother who fled this life so mine didn’t turn out like his.
Aiden grabs me against his body and kisses me hard. My fingers dive into his hair as he backs me into the shower wall. While I want to drown here in his arms, I need him to eat. I can feel how weak he is.
I pull away, watching disappointment flash in his pretty eyes. “You need to eat.” His eyes heat. “Food. Real food. I’m sure you haven’t eaten much lately.”
“I will. First I want this.” Without another word, Aiden grabs me to him and holds me tight until the water runs cold. “I’ll never hurt you again,” he whispers.
I pull back to look at him and smile.
This is not what I thought love would look like.
It’s messy and more complicated than I’d like.
We have a lot of work ahead of us, but I don’t mind that.
Not when he’s the reward.