9. Chapter 8
Chapter 8
S ummer watched Ramiro’s expression change and wanted to cry all over again. His hands were still gentle on her face, but a part of him had disappeared.
At least she expected it with Ramiro. He’d never been comfortable around children.
She hadn’t been sure whether Derek wanted kids but was relieved that he wanted no part in her pregnancy. There was no reason to make herself work things out with him if he wasn’t interested.
She hadn’t been prepared for the accusations he’d thrown her way. The suggestion that she’d gotten knocked up by someone else and tried to pin it on him was ridiculous. The only person she would have cheated on him with was Ramiro, but he wouldn’t have her. He’d made that clear after the one and only time .
The heat of him soaked through her hand, still resting on his chest. She wished the baby was his. Just as, every time a man touched her, she wished they were him.
His eyes refocused on her face, giving her the attention she craved. “This isn’t like last time? You want to keep it?” His tone was locked down like he got sometimes. There was nothing accusing about it, but she still felt slapped.
“Is that wrong?” The guilt she’d carried around all these years sucked her under, and the question that had been beating in her chest slipped out. “Do I not deserve to?”
He jerked her forward, and her face pressed against his chest, the dampness there making her realize her tears were already flowing again. Darkness twisted inside her chest.
“I don’t want to hear you say that. You deserve everything in this world.”
His words didn’t soothe her. Ramiro had a blind spot when it came to her. He saw the mess she was inside but ignored it every time. Well, not ignored. He tried to convince her it didn’t exist.
She wasn’t wrong about herself. She was the biggest leech in the world, especially after latching on to Ramiro.
“That abortion kept you alive, Summer,” he said, his tone so convincing. “It wasn’t the wrong choice.”
“I was weak.” The truth burned in her heart. “I’m still weak.”
He pulled back, glaring down at her. “Stop it. Right now.”
She bit her lip at the concern hidden in his glare. She was doing it again, making him prop her up. The craving for him to take care of her was an addiction, one that added to the dread inside of her.
Ramiro had no desire to have kids. She’d spent months listening to him talk about how Diego had become a father and how it scared Ramiro to even be in the same room as the children. He’d been around them multiple times, and his feelings had never changed.
“You’ll stay at my place for a while,” he said, sounding so certain. “With this on top of the cartel situation, I need you close.”
Every time he put her before himself, he sounded so certain.
Yearning clawed at her. She’d be with him if she gave in. She wanted to give in.
“No,” she heard herself say instead.
Ramiro scowled down at her. “Summer—”
She scrambled off his lap, and he steadied her as his hands tightened, as if he would pull her back. That she wanted him to only proved how sick her manipulation of this man was.
“You just said how you don’t want kids,” she reminded him; she reminded them both.
“I’ll take care of you, Summer. I’ll always take care of you.”
Of course he would. He was that kind of man. The only one she’d ever love.
The way she clung to him was wrong. That was why he pushed her away romantically.
She needed to be stronger if she was going to keep this baby. The darkness couldn’t suck her down like it had before .
Ruining Ramiro’s life would make that darkness spread. Her self-hatred would take over, becoming all she could feel.
“I need to be alone to figure this out,” she said, a part of her hoping he’d try to convince her she was wrong.
Ramiro never disappointed her. “You can figure things out while you’re with me.” His eyes went carefully blank. “There are options, ones you might not have considered yet.”
He didn’t think she should keep the baby. The certainty of that slid into her stomach, making it churn. The nausea was back, but she swallowed the warmth in her mouth, willing it to go away.
Ramiro knew her better than anyone, and he didn’t think she could support this baby.
He wasn’t wrong.
“Please, Ram,” she whimpered, pathetic as usual. She wasn’t even sure what she was asking him for.
Ramiro released her, running his hands over his hair. He closed his eyes, his chest expanding with the breath he took, then opened them again, staring into her. “I’ll drive you home.”
Summer nodded, relieved that was the way he’d interpreted her plea. He thought she was strong enough to be alone.
She wanted to believe the same.
He bundled her into the decadent seat of his sleek black car. She didn’t know much about cars, but Ramiro loved them, switching them out whenever he got bored. His favorite had been something called a Bugatti Veyron, but he’d only driven it for a little while, saying it was too easily spotted. He was currently back to a BMW M2 because it blended better, or so he said. She had to write down the name of each one and keep repeating it until she memorized them.
Cars were important to Ramiro, so she paid attention.
She sank into the leather seat, watching him as he slid into the driver’s side. Staring at him always made her shiver. Ramiro was so masculine. He wasn’t lean and sleek like the cars he liked. He had a bulk to him that enveloped her, a strength that was forceful, and full facial hair that underlined the fact that he was older. In the last few years, silver crowded among the brown, but she secretly loved it. It reminded her how long they’d been together.
How long she’d put his life on hold while he took care of her.
She looked away from him, staring out the window instead. If she decided to have the baby and raise it herself, she’d have to finally let him go. The idea that they belonged together was a fairy tale she’d been hiding behind.
Her hand moved to her stomach. She was so fucking selfish. She’d give this baby up in a second if she could have Ramiro.
Baby or no baby, she’d never have him. He’d made that clear over the years.
Ramiro parked in the garage of her apartment complex, the apartment he still paid for, even though he gave her a decent salary.
“Are you sure you should be alone right now?”
Summer forced herself to smile. “If I’m going to be a mother, I need to be stronger.”
He stared down at his hands on the steering wheel before letting go and turning toward his door. She waited for him to get out and move around to her side, feeling protected when his gaze skimmed over the parking area. He’d walk her to her door and search the place himself before leaving.
He was the one being targeted by the cartel, but like always, his thoughts were only about her safety. She used to worry that it would get him killed, but if anything, taking care of them both only made him stronger.
She hadn’t absorbed any of that strength, no matter how often he tried to instill it in her.
The doorman acknowledged her wave with a head bob to her and to Ramiro. The ride up in the elevator was silent, his quick search of her apartment the same. Ramiro hovered in her doorway, as if reluctant to leave.
“I’ll be fine, and I won’t be alone all night. It’s Friday, remember?” She’d made friends with her neighbors across the hall, mainly to make Ramiro happy. He’d wanted her to have someone in her life besides him, and the two women who were roommates were nice enough. Each week, she tested herself with a visit to their apartment. She’d gotten better at acting normal around the women. They never seemed to realize how messed up she was.
Ramiro’s expression eased. “Right. One of my men will be nearby, just in case.”
Not him, one of his men. She smiled and nodded through her disappointment. “Thanks, Ram. ”
She allowed herself ten more seconds to breathe him in, then closed the door between them. Staring through the peephole, she watched him standing just outside, unmoving, and her heart skipped a beat. He’d force his way in. He’d hold her, tell her he’d always be with her. The daydream locked her breath in her throat.
“Lock the door, Summer,” he said through the door.
She locked it, watching him walk away until he slipped into the elevator and was no longer in sight.