Chapter Twelve
CHAPTER TWELVE
When Jax told Bree over breakfast what he had arranged, she cringed inwardly with embarrassment. She was already mortified at her behavior last night, acting like Sofia, throwing her toys and having a meltdown, needing to be bathed and put to bed.
She’d never been so happy as when Sofia had crept in, though.
“Where’s Papà?” she had whispered.
“He’ll be here soon.” Bree had pulled her little body into her own like a treasured teddy bear.
“A vacation isn’t necessary,” she insisted now. “It would look awful. I don’t want the rest of the team thinking I can just drop out on a whim and go on vacation because I’m married to Eve’s brother.”
“You can, though,” he drawled. “We can make it a working vacation if you want, and take a few calls, but we haven’t had time for just the two of us.”
That was true. They had their unstructured Sundays, but Sofia was always a part of those days. She had put in the hours at work, too, arranging her own schedule to suit the time change.
“I’ve never been away from her that long,” was her final, weak protest.
His mouth twitched. “We’ll cut things short if we miss her too much.”
It turned into a long day of travel. They flew fourteen hours to Virginia Beach, where Sofia happily waved them off, excited to stay with Gigi in her new apartment. Then they climbed aboard the plane for another nine hours to the Visconti property in Saint Martin, arriving at midnight local time.
“Technically this resort is in my purview, since it’s governed by France,” Jax mentioned as they were shown to their two-story villa by a very anxious night manager.
“Is the Dutch side not in your purview?” she asked with false innocence.
“You know damned well WBE has their own resort there.”
Bree tucked her smirk into her shoulder and allowed the young man to give them a tour of the interior with its pristine white walls and splashes of colorful cushions. The ground floor held a kitchen, two lounges, a small office, and a dining area. Several pairs of doors opened to the shaded patio and the infinity pool that sat placid and glowing at their feet.
“We could have brought Sofia,” she murmured when she saw the four bedrooms upstairs. Each had a balcony, but the primary bedroom had a wraparound terrace with views of moonlight on the calm water of the western side of the island.
They had eaten on the plane, but hadn’t slept much, so they went straight to bed.
Bree rose early to open the doors to the terrace and stepped out to a view of palm trees, a sugar-white beach and the surreal blue the Caribbean waters were famed for.
“I forgive you for making me come here,” she said over her shoulder.
“Enough to come back to bed?”
She crawled onto him and they lazily made love.
Later, when they had eaten, they walked along the beach holding hands like honeymooners. Bree was in a white dress that caressed her legs. Jax wore cropped linen trousers and an open shirt and such an air of ease, she fell in love with him all over again.
“This is a bad precedent to set. I may start pitching more tantrums if this is what my time-out looks like.”
An easy smile touched his lips, but his eyes remained hidden by his sunglasses.
“I have an ulterior motive.”
“Is it more sex? Because we already need an intervention.”
“We do.” His slow smile was deeply satisfied. “And, believe me, I’ve considered what the impact will be on that when I tell you what I’m thinking. I was going to wait until I’d buttered you up more.” He stopped walking.
She turned to face him, catching at her sun hat as she tilted her head up, curious.
“I want to ask when we might try for another baby.”
“Oh.” She blinked behind her own sunglasses. It wasn’t as though she didn’t think about it every day when she took her pill, but things had felt so nascent between them. She hadn’t felt ready to put more stress on such a new relationship.
She hadn’t been sure they would last. That was the stark truth. Why put two children through a breakup when she could keep it to one?
“I have an idea what I’m asking,” he said when she didn’t say anything. “Easy-peasy for me, but it’s nine months of discomfort for you and a not-fun time at the end. But… This isn’t a guilt trip.” He gave her upper arms a light squeeze. “I really wish I’d known Sofia from the beginning. That I’d seen her come into this world and—Bree.”
She pulled away, arms crossed defensively as she turned to face the water.
“That’s not a condemnation. I understand why you didn’t tell me about Sofia. I really do. The way your father treats you is unconscionable. You deserve better.” He stole her hat and set his forearm across her collarbone, drawing her into the solidness of his strong frame.
“I shouldn’t let it bother me.”
“You’re allowed to be angry, Bree. You’re allowed to be hurt. Have you got back to them?”
“No.” She was waiting until she’d activated her new phone and had put that off while they’d been traveling. “I know why she asked. I’ve arranged discounts in the past, when they went on vacation. WBE has a family thing as long as I do the booking.”
“Did they invite you to go with them on those vacations?”
“Yes. I went a few times, but it was a lot of work with Sofia being so young. Eventually, it was easier to book it for them and bank the favor in case Sofia needed a doctor.”
“Speaking as your husband, I think you should tell them to go to hell. Speaking as a Visconti executive, we offer a similar perk to employees. If you want to ask the Event Coordinator in DC to get in touch with them and give them a quote, I’m willing to sign off on an appropriate discount. Having said that, I will also back you up if you want to tell them you’re no longer employed directly by WBE or Visconti and are therefore no longer eligible.”
“If I cut the cord, it’s cut. No going back.” Something in her tightened with resistance, hanging on out of habit, even though she was exhausted from clinging to it. “I’ve always thought that as long as I kept trying, kept communication open…” She clenched her eyes shut, refusing to let the sting of her gathering tears leak out. “I feel so pathetic for continuing to hope. I don’t give up on people, Jax. I know you think I don’t trust you enough, that I’m not committed enough, but I commit hard .”
“I know.” The hand that held her hat came across her stomach. His arms closed tighter around her, holding her together as she drew shaken breaths.
“If I throw that relationship away, what does it say about who I am? I don’t leave just because things are hard. Having a baby is hard, you know,” she said over her shoulder. “They never let you sleep and worry you to death. Sofia is false advertising. She walks and talks and is out of diapers, but that first year is stressful.”
“I know you’re scared that I won’t be there for our children. I’m only asking you to think about it.”
“I think about it all the time,” she admitted, letting her head tilt against his shoulder. “Can we discuss it after I’ve decided what to do with my father?”
“Of course.” He touched his lips to her temple. “But let’s forget about him for now.”
They did. For the next few days, they did little but walk and swim and sightsee. They shopped aimlessly, and she made him take her to lunch at the WBE resort, which Jax had to concede was an excellent meal. They napped whenever they felt like it, enjoyed intimate dinners at sunset, and made love often.
“You’re sexy as hell in that,” he said of her new bikini when she joined him in the pool one afternoon.
“Are you doing that on purpose?”
“What?”
“Complimenting me. I feel like we’re back in Como. You know I’m a sure thing now, right?” She held up her left hand and wiggled her fingers to indicate the rings.
“I never say anything to you that I don’t mean.” He grabbed her wrist and dragged her through the water into his arms. “You are sexy as hell with or without a bathing suit, but the color suits you. It’s titillating to see you in it and know your tan lines as well as I know the rest of your body.”
She looked down at the neon blue bandeau and the way he was arranging her legs to wrap his waist.
“If I haven’t been complimenting you enough since we married, that is my bad. I’ve had a lot of distractions, but I notice how beautiful you are all the time. I notice what a caring mother you are and that you bring a lot to Eve’s team. Anytime you walk into a room, I know I’m the luckiest man alive to call you my wife.”
She chuckled and shook her head, only half believing him. Maybe a little more than half because he did make her feel beautiful. And smart. And cherished.
She felt like the luckiest woman alive and, as their bond strengthened, she found it easier and easier to ease her grip on the old, frayed line that tethered her to the past. The one that had left blisters and calluses on her soul.
On their last day, she spent an hour composing an email that was only ten words.
I’m unable to arrange a discount or attend the wedding.
She hit Send and braced herself for a painful inner schism or a sensation of being cast adrift. Instead, she felt as though a tremendous weight was no longer dragging at her. She was a sea creature freed from a thousand pounds of tangled net. She was lighter. She had never really been part of her father’s family so she wasn’t losing anything by stepping away from it.
Rising from the lounger as though rising from ashes, she went inside to find Jax at the desk in the office. He was frowning at his laptop.
“What’s wrong?” she asked.
“Nico’s asking when I’ll be back in New York.” He closed it, expression pensive. “I told him we’re leaving in a few hours.”
“Can we still visit with Mom?” They were planning to fly overnight to Virginia Beach and stay the weekend before working out of New York next week.
“We should head straight to New York.”
“That’s too bad. I’ll text her in a minute. But first, um, I took your advice. I sent my regrets to the wedding and said I couldn’t help with costs. Then I blocked Laura’s number. If she reaches out to you, you can ignore it.”
“Wow.” He rose and held out his arms in an offering of an embrace. “Good for you. I know that wasn’t an easy decision.”
“It wasn’t as hard as I expected it to be.” She stepped into his arms feeling as though the last of her inner walls had also fallen away, painlessly. They had nothing but a bright future ahead of them. “Can I show you something?”
“Sure.” His expression altered to curiosity as he followed her up to the bedroom.
She walked into the bathroom and held up her birth control pills, then dramatically dropped them into the wastebasket.
His brows went up. “Really.”
“It’s a day for big decisions. Unless—”
“Oh, I’m very sure.” He gathered her close and kissed her with such breathtaking thoroughness, her heart was pounding by the time he let her up for air. “Shall we get started on trying?”
“It was one and done last time, champ. I probably got pregnant by tossing them.”
“Let’s make sure.” He drew her to the bed, then tumbled her onto the mattress.
If his goal this trip had been to build her up with flattery and seduction, it had worked. She was pure confidence as they kissed and caressed and peeled away clothing. She rained kisses on his throat and chest and shoulders and stomach and the thrilling hardness of his erection.
He groaned and ran his fingers into her hair and said, “Much as I love that, it’s not going to get the job done.”
He rolled her beneath him and gave her the same treatment, seeming to worship every inch of her until she glowed with more than arousal. Joy. Love.
She was so full of love that when they were joined, moving in perfect harmony, she couldn’t keep it in.
“I love you,” she whispered, stroking her hands over his powerful back, arching in surrender to him and this greater force that burned like white-hot light within her. It rose like music into a crescendo. “I love you so much, Jax. I love you.”
***
Jax felt her words twist through him with the same euphoric bliss as orgasm. Her voice turned to a helpless cry and he lost what shreds of control he still had, straining in the stasis of ecstasy with her.
It was intensely powerful. The throbs in his sex rang through his body, jarring every tensed muscle. His heart thudded so hard he thought it would explode. He tried not to bruise her with the strength of his grip, but he had to hold on to her through the cataclysm. She was his. His. He was both triumphant and conquered.
As the pulses faded, his muscles began to tremble with fatigue. She was panting and soft beneath him. So lovely. So delicate and welcoming.
Her heartbeat was still stumbling, but he felt it at a deeper level inside him. As though it sat against his own.
And that’s when he realized what a mistake he’d made. How vulnerable he’d made her.
He untangled their limbs and rolled off her, but his arm hooked out of habit around her, bringing her into his side while he lay on his back, still catching his breath. Stunned and slowly experiencing a seep of dread.
“Did you mean it?” he asked.
“I wouldn’t lie about that.” Her lashes lifted and her gaze was so defenseless, it hurt to look into her eyes.
He swallowed and shifted his gaze to the ceiling. He had wanted proof of her commitment to their marriage, but hadn’t realized this was her way. Not just giving him another baby, but giving him her heart.
She loved him.
How the hell was he supposed to protect her now? He hurt the people he loved.
“You don’t have to say it back,” she said in a small voice.
“You know I care about you.” God, that sounded tepid.
She thought so, too. Her expression flexed with agony before she set a firm hand on his chest and tried to lever from the bed.
He tightened his arm. “I care deeply.”
They gave each other incredible pleasure in bed and he enjoyed her company outside of it. She was the mother of his child. Children, potentially. For all of those things, he already loved her in a broad way, but love—
“I don’t want to hurt you.”
“Then don’t,” she said starkly.
“But it’s inevitable if someone loves you that you’re going to let them down. I’m doing it now.” He was disappointing her, which was precisely the emotion he hated to cause most, especially in people he cared about.
He was thinking about the message from Nico.
When are you back in NY? Tucker’s here.
“What do you want me to do? Apologize?”
“No.”
“Because I know this wasn’t our deal. I didn’t mean to. It just happened.”
“Bree, I’m not mad.”
“Just disappointed?” She lurched away. “I need a shower before we go.”
“Bree.”
Don’t be hurt.
“I didn’t ask you to love me back, Jax.” She spoke over her shoulder as she stood. “And you know why.”