Chapter 38
Chapter Thirty-Eight
On Sunday, I cycled all the way to Chateau Compiègne for some headspace.
A fresh breeze set the grass swaying like a Van Gogh painting, making everything feel alive and full of energy.
Once again, I found myself in awe of its grandeur and wondered what life must have been like for its occupants.
I walked the long avenues that led to the forest; the perfect place for reflection and contemplation.
So much had happened since my arrival in France, not least my singing debut the night before.
I felt like I really needed to process everything, including whether there would be any point in staying on if and when the bakery closed.
Despite all our efforts and the public goodwill, the final say still rested with the bank and they didn’t have any emotional attachments to the building – only the desire to balance their books.
Hugo had touched a nerve that day when he said I had come to France to find myself.
It was such a cliché, but clichés are only so because they are true.
I had never had the courage to put myself out there and find out what my dreams were, until last night when I’d sung for that little gathering in the bakery.
I could feel an unfamiliar sensation running through my veins and all I knew was that I didn’t want it to stop.
Still, I knew nothing about the music scene here, or back home in Ireland for that matter.
Could I make a living out of it? Or even a hobby?
Was I good enough? These were all questions I couldn’t answer, but it felt like a huge step forward, finally knowing the right questions to ask.
It felt as though I was getting to know myself a little better.
Which made me wonder: what would my mother make of this new career choice?
That was still the hardest part about missing her.
I wished I could just ask her things like I used to; run my ideas by her.
I wondered if her spirit was out there somewhere, conscious and able to hear my thoughts.
Before I knew it, I found myself talking to her out loud.
I chatted as though she were right there with me, like we used to do at the kitchen table back home over a cup of tea.
I told her all about the bakery, Madame Moreau and my conflicting feelings towards Hugo.
By the time I got back to Rue de Paris I felt lighter and happier. I’d picked up some groceries on the way at the supermarché, and texted my friend Gemma, from home, some photos from the night before. Her response pinged back.
I always knew you’d find yourself over there!
I smiled to myself and hopped up the stairs to my apartment, just as evening was setting in and turning the sky from pale blue to a soft amber glow.
I opened my attic window to let the air in and changed out of my clothes before turning on the water for a shower.
The sensation of warm water hitting my skin sent a subtle message to my brain – I could relax.
I scrunched up my shoulder and could feel the muscles easing.
I hadn’t realised how much stress I’d been carrying around all of this time, and even though there were no certainties about my future in this place, I knew one thing.
I’d handle it. Whatever came my way. Maybe it took coming all the way to France to learn this one, irrefutable fact about myself.
I dipped my head under the spout and let the water rinse my head clean.
* * *
Wrapped in a towel and sorting through my laundry for a clean T-shirt, I thought I could hear voices outside.
I leaned out the window and saw two figures standing in the lamplight.
I could hardly believe my eyes – it was Manu and Hugo.
Their voices were hushed, so I tried to judge what was going on by their body language.
It didn’t seem as though they were arguing.
That was good. If Hugo said anything to upset Manu I would have been down there like a shot, towel or no towel.
Well, preferably with my towel. Then I caught a few words on the breeze.
‘How much do you need?’ Hugo asked.
I saw Manu run his hand through his hair and then explain something that resulted in Hugo nodding his head.
Then they shook hands. What was going on? Was Hugo bribing Manu? It seemed just like the kind of tactics a soulless corporation would use to get what they wanted. But did he really think he could turn Manu against his own grandmother?