Chapter 26 Packy
packy
NIX: You wearing your panties tonight?
PACKY: Fuck you.
NIX: We’ll see who fucks who next time. I meant for the game, genius. Thunder’s on a winning streak.
PACKY: Not for long. And no panties for me. Just a jock and a cup, thanks.
NIX: With that image in my head, I’m gonna jerk off. Video call after the game?
PACKY: If you’re lucky.
PACKY: Yeah, I’ll call when we get back to the hotel.
I ordered room service for breakfast since we’d flown into Dallas late the night before. Morning skate was an hour away, but I couldn’t relax. Grinning, I reread our texts. Every word made my chest feel full and achy at once.
The boys had been roasting me nonstop about the Packo circus, and I mostly laughed along. But underneath it all, I was restless. It wasn’t about Nix; it was about me. What did it mean to want a man when my whole life had been straight lines and simple categories?
I needed to talk things through, but not with Nix. He’d hear doubt where there wasn’t any and assume I was second-guessing us, which I wasn’t. I just needed a friend to help me think things through.
I picked up my phone.
PACKY: Any chance you can come by? Need to run something past you.
The reply came quickly.
LOGAN: Be right there.
Thirty seconds later, I let him in and motioned toward a pair of catty-cornered chairs by the window. After we sat down, my stomach twisted so hard I couldn’t speak.
“Okay,” Logan said. “What’s going on?”
I rubbed the back of my neck. “A lot.”
“That’s what I figured. Should I take that as code for something’s eating you alive and you’re pretending it’s fine?”
I huffed out something between a laugh and a groan. “Not quite that bad.”
Logan was good at waiting, which was one of the reasons I’d texted him. He was impossible to bullshit.
“My fingers won’t stop tingling,” I said, shaking my hands. “And so you know, I’m not freaking out about Nix.”
“Didn’t think you were. You’ve seemed lighter since your trip to Quebec. Confused as hell, but lighter.”
I slumped back. “That’s because someone flipped my life upside down and shook it like a damn snow globe.”
His lips twitched, and he nodded. “That’s what falling for someone does.”
“I didn’t say that.”
“You didn’t have to.”
I swallowed. “I’ve always been straight, Logan. Never did anything with a man. Now I’m sitting here wondering what the fuck I’m doing. I’m thrilled about Nico, so this is about me sorting out my feelings.”
“Don’t have a label yet?” He shrugged. “Welcome to being human. Anyone who isn’t straight as an arrow goes through it.”
“I don’t want Nix thinking I’m scared of him.”
“Because you’re not. You’re afraid of rewriting your story. Riles went through the same thing.”
I let out a breath. “I don’t know what to do with all this.”
“You don’t have to know yet, Packy. And you’re allowed to want him anyway.”
My throat tightened. “Good, because I do.”
“Okay then. What part are you stuck on? The ‘what am I’ part? The ‘how do I do this’ part? Or the ‘holy shit, I miss him so much it hurts’ part?”
“All of the above?”
“Perfect. Start anywhere.”
“It’s not really about what to call myself. It’s everything around it.”
“Such as?”
The words tumbled out in a rush. “Coming out, not coming out. Nix has been out for years, and he knows who he is. I don’t want to make him feel like he has to hide being with me.”
Logan nodded once.
“Then there’s the public shit,” I said. “The media, the fans. The spotlight. Reporters sticking mics in our faces, and people dissecting everything we do. How close we stand, where our hands are, how we look at each other. You name it, and it’s out there.
If we even hint we’re more than friends, it will explode. ”
“Probably,” Logan said. “Most of us survive it.”
“I don’t know how to handle that. Not because I’m ashamed, but it’ll be a seismic shift. And what if Nix—” My voice cracked.
Logan didn’t say anything, just waited for me to go on.
“That’s not even the worst part,” I said. “People will wonder if I’ve been lying my whole life. Teammates, friends, family. What the hell do I tell them?”
Logan was still silent. He probably knew there was something else and was giving me space to say it.
“What scares me most is… I know Nix likes me, but he’s had years to be sure of his identity. I’m the guy who’s just now figuring it out.” My voice trembled. “What if he wakes up one day and realizes he wants someone who isn’t such a project?”
Logan’s gaze sharpened. “That’s not the real fear, though, is it?”
I shook my head. “No.”
“Say the real one, then.”
I stared at my hands. “My ex cheated. You know that.”
“Yes.”
“It fucked me up. Ever since I found out, I’ve been scared it was my fault.
Maybe if I’d been more or better, or just different, she wouldn’t have needed to go looking.
” My cheeks burned with old shame, and I still couldn’t meet Logan’s eyes.
“I wasn’t enough, somehow, and she got bored.
Maybe the sex wasn’t good enough. Something wasn’t right, for sure. ”
“She wasn’t right,” Logan said. “But go on.”
“Now there’s Nix. I like him so much. I keep thinking maybe I’m not good enough for him either. What if he gets bored? Finds someone more experienced? Someone better?”
“Look at me, Packy.”
I hesitated, then lifted my eyes.
“You and Nico didn’t get here overnight. It’s only been a few weeks, but this started years ago.”
I nodded. “In college. We never did anything, but something was always there.”
“And now you are doing something. You’re not college kids anymore.”
“No,” I said. “Definitely not.”
Logan leaned forward. “I went through this with Riley. I’m gay, and he’d thought he was straight all his life, like you.”
“I remember.”
“I’ll bet a week’s salary that Nico doesn’t want some version of you with everything perfectly figured out. He wants you the way you are. He needs you to walk into his life and take his heart prisoner because you can’t stay away.”
I swallowed because the sudden lump in my throat made it impossible to speak.
“As for coming out,” Logan went on, “that’s not something you have to solve today. Relationships don’t start with press conferences; they begin with honesty between two people. Fuck everyone else.”
“And the rest?”
“It comes when you’re both ready.” He checked his watch. “About feeling ‘not good enough’? Buddy, I’ve seen you two together, and I’ve listened to you today. You don’t have to be perfect. Just show up and try.”
My heart warmed. “You think so?”
“I know so. I’ve watched you two going at it for years, and you’re always a wreck before Condors games. Nobody gets that nervous because they hate someone. It’s because you’re running from something you don’t understand.”
“Fuck,” I whispered. He was right.
“Nico is what matters,” Logan said, tapping my knee. “You have a real shot at happiness, and I’ll kick your ass if you don’t take it.”
My eyes burned, and it was a moment before I could say, “Damn, you’re good.”
“I know.” He polished his nails on his hoodie. “I’m brilliant in a crisis.”
I laughed. “You really are. Thanks for being such a great friend.”
“Anytime. Ready for morning skate?”
“A lot more than I was an hour ago.”
“Good.” He stood and offered a hand to help me up. “I bet Riles fifty bucks you’d come out of here smiling, and I want to get paid.” He clapped my shoulder. “We’re due on the bus in nine minutes.”
After he left, the room was too quiet. I stared out the window and thought about what he’d said. My fears hadn’t magically disappeared, but Logan had helped me put them in a box labeled: Not broken. Just human.
I pulled on a hoodie, grabbed my bag, and glanced in the mirror. “Show up,” I said. “I can do that.”
We beat the Thunder 3–0. Back at the hotel, I was a strange mix of tired and wired. Although my body was done, my mind was buzzing. I stripped to boxers and a T-shirt, put in my earbuds, and called Nico.
He answered on the first ring. “Hey.”
His voice was bright, like he’d been waiting.
“Hey.” I stretched out on the bed and couldn’t help smiling.
“Great game, Pack. That assist was smooth as hell.”
“Yeah, well…” I meant to joke, but what came out was, “It’s good to hear your voice.”
There was a pause, and then his voice was softer. “You okay?”
“Yeah. Been wanting to talk to you all damn day.”
His low chuckle warmed the connection all the way from New York. “Me too. Want to make this FaceTime?”
The knot in my chest loosened. “Yes. Do it.”
A moment later, his face filled the screen. I loved his rumpled hair, gleaming eyes, and the grin that always knocked the air out of me.
“Hey, sexy,” he said. “You look amazing. I can breathe again.”
My heart did a stupid little flip. “Same. Road trips aren’t nearly as much fun without you here to annoy me.”
He tipped his head. “I can annoy you from here. Want me to start?”
I laughed. “Maybe we can skip that tonight.”
“Sure.” He studied me. “You seem different.”
“Bad different?”
“Good different. Like your brain isn’t running laps around Central Park.”
I rolled my eyes. “Still jogging. Just not sprinting.”
We went quiet, but the silence was easy.
“You know,” he said, voice soft, “you can talk to me about anything.”
“I know.” I caught myself worrying my lower lip. “But I wanted to look at you first.”
His mouth curved into a smile. “I like that.”
“Tell me about your day,” I said.
“Nope. I want to know about yours. You’re the one who seems different.”
I rolled onto my side. “Fine. But don’t make fun of me.”
“Absolutely not promising that. Go.”
I shook my head. “Asshole.”
“There you are.” His voice was warm. “What’s going on with you, Pack? After you tell me, I have something big to show you.”
Heat crawled up the back of my neck. “Careful. Keep talking like that, you’re gonna start something.”
“Oh? Is that a warning?”
“No. It’s a promise.”
He looked into the camera. “Tell me what you want tonight.”