Him
She is breathing erratically beneath me. And it does not sound like a normal high out of arousal. This is something else.
I open my eyes, instantly ceasing all activities on her lips. Her eyes are rolling back like she’s about to lose consciousness. I had expected her to fight back the moment I released my hold, like she was doing five seconds ago; but to my dismay, she is lying there inhaling the water falling on her face. Looking breathless and dazed out.
What have you done? Get her out of here – fast!
I check for her pulse and pupils, which is when I realize the kind of tremors her body is having. Fits of panic; that’s what these are, because her body is trembling very hard.
She is having a panic attack!
I lightly pat her cheeks, “Hey – hey – sweetheart, open your eyes. Open your eyes – everything’s going to be fine.”
Chanting that throughout the time while I pick her up in my arms and rush her inside, “Please be okay. Please!”
My own hands are shaking when I carry her straight to the shower in my bath; placing her in the tub and turning the cold side of faucet on. Her head still hanging loosely on my hand; eyes still shut, although I can see them moving. I direct the hand-held shower towards her head. And the temperature shock does its job, because she jolts up instantly; her lids parting.
I finally exhale, cursing under my breath, “God! you scared the shit out of me muffin. Don’t ever dare to scare me like that again.”
She’s gaining consciousness. I don’t waste another minute and pull her into my arms.
“I thought... I was... going to die there in the mud,” Her voice cracks as she speaks, “Something was crawling under me. And in my hair. It was – it was everywhere.”
Cupping her face, I placing a gentle kiss on her forehead, “As long as I am walking on this planet, nothing is happening to you. Memorize it, forever. You live, I live.”
“And – if I die? I could have –”
“If you die, the world dies with you. I’ll set everything on fire, including myself,” I look into her eyes, “There’s no me – without you.”
For a few moments, she stares at me; almost absolutely still. Like she believes me.
And I want to capture this moment; because this is probably the first time that I feel truly real in front of her.
When my eyes follow the drop of water originating from the corner of her eye to her throat, she swallows hard – before dipping her head in an attempt to hide the red creeping beneath her wet cheeks.
My expression softens as she clings on to my hand, while I turn the water to warm direct the shower towards the rest of her body; washing off the mud while she sits silently soaking in the steam.
He trembling has reduced greatly, but it does not free me of the burden. The burden of guilt that my poor baby had a panic attack because I was too engrossed.
I need to stay away if her health is in line.
“Take that off and bathe properly. I’ll be right outside if you need anything.”
I straighten up and start towards the door when a gentle touch on my hand stops me. I turn to find her hand wrapped around mine; while she stares blankly at me from beneath those thick lashes.
She’s eating her words again.
“Umm... Thank you!”
And I am learning new things about me too; because that – that just did something. It’s not healthy for my heart.
The effort it takes to avoid kissing her when she looks at me with those na?ve eyes is tremendous. But she needs rest and attention. And I’m going to make sure she gets both.
Fifteen minutes later she steps out of the shower; water dripping from her hair and following a path that I need not follow if I need her to recover.
So, before this gets any harder, I make her sit in front of the dresser. When she tries to get up, I push her down to the ottoman again.
“I’m not in the mood for putting on makeup right now.”
When she realizes what I was making her do, she tries to grab the dryer but I pull it away.
Her cheeks instantly get a tint redder; and I can’t help but smile at the things that truly touch her. My experience with other women that made me offer material things so I could impress her, but it never worked. Guess, I was too dumbfounded to notice.
I gently massage her head with a relaxing serum oil, which she then combs – as I watch her beautiful dark brown hair fall untangled to her bare shoulders.
“I don’t have... clothes. Can I go back to –”
“No, we’re not going anywhere tonight. You’re going to change in my clothes and rest.”
“Okay.”
Just okay!
Yes, she cannot just open up with you that quick. She needs time.
Directing her to the wardrobe I hand her one of my tee shirts and a new pair of pjs.
“I’ll turn around so you can change into that...”
Hesitation is clear on her face; and it’s obvious, after all the things I have done.
“I won’t look. Promise!”
She still seems hesitant – but I turn around anyways, closing my eyes shut, “Tell me when you’re done.”
Minutes pass by and when she calls out, I turn around to look at her clad in my clothes. And I never knew something so simple could be the best feeling I’ve ever had.
And even if I haven’t touched her, it still satisfies a part of me that wanted to mark her as mine.
My gaping mouth shuts close when her eyes meet mine; overgrown bangs falling loosely on her smooth skin. She bites her bottom lip, folding her hands in front of her chest, that’s when I realize that I’ve been creeping her out with a stare.
I clear my throat, trying to gulp the unease, “I’ll go get you something to eat. Make yourself at home till then.”
I signal her to get easy on the couch lying beside the bed.
When I return back to the room, she’s already on the bed. Still. Unconscious?!
My nervousness kicks back in, and I head over to her side to check her pulse. The moment my hand touches her the slightest, she sucks in hard and her eyes pop open.
She isn’t looking at me; she’s looking into my void – wide eyed, “What are you doing?”
“I was checking – if you’re okay...”
Her breathing goes back to normal as soon as she looks around and realizes that she’s not where she thought she is.
“I brought you food. Have something if you are up.” I point to the tray on the coffee table by the couch.
“Thanks... but I don’t feel like having anything right now.”
“At least have the milk. It’ll make you feel better.”
I hand over the glass, supporting her when she gets up. But every time I touch her, all she does is take one look at me and avert her eyes instantly. I wonder if my eyes intimidate her, too.
Putting the empty glass back to the tray, I lower my head to her eye level; wiping the stray drop of milk on the side of her lips, making her shiver.
“Tell me muffin, why are you avoiding – looking at me?” I speak softly, trying to ease her as much as possible.
She hesitates – before stammering, “Your eyes... You look – different.”
“That’s because you’ve always seen me with the brown eye lens. But this is my natural eye color.”
“Oh,” she keeps looking at her shivering hands. She’s still avoiding me.
I gently push her chin up so there’s no way to escape the eye contact.
“Do they scare you? You don’t like them?”
Her eyes jump back and forth between mine; before surrendering to my stare, “No... they’re – they’re beautiful. Too beautiful to look.”
I’ve had compliments from many women in these many years of my life; but the way her words make my heart flutter, is so different. It’s so fresh that it draws a smile straight from the bottom of my heart.
Again, I think I’m learning new things about me. Probably the parts I lost when he came into our lives.
“Go to sleep. You need rest.”
“Umm –” She’s hesitant, understandably.
I take off my tee and lower myself on her, “Where am I going to sleep? Wherever you want me to.”
“What? –” She is growing obnoxious all over again.
“Why are you eating your words, just say it... Don’t be afraid.”
“Are you going to force me again? I don’t want to have sex – tonight.”
The words cut through my chest. Not because it’s wrong for her to ask me; but because I couldn’t imagine the kind of effect my actions were having on her. Especially since she’s been attacked multiple times by people who she had faith on.
I should’ve controlled my anger on her earlier on tonight.
“No, sweetheart – I am not going to do anything that you don’t want me to... Just relax. We’ll talk in the morning.”
When her body eases visibly, realization dawns on me. She trusts my words. I have to make her trust my actions too.
She falls asleep by the time I return from the shower. Tucking her inside the comforter, I pick up a sheet for myself and settle on the sofa; laying on it as I watch her, calm and peaceful. So relaxing!
The way her skin glows under the soft yellow light, heat creeps beneath my skin – warming me inside out. And I can’t stop wondering – what could I have done in my past lives to earn such a glorious reward.
Do I deserve her at all?
Honestly, I don’t care.
Because even if she’s the sun and I am the night. I’ll find a way to keep her with me. Forever.