7 – A Horrible Worthless Dick-Bag
Jessie
I stand in front of apartment 23A and remain solidly in place, without having even knocked. I raise my fist, then drop it. Taking a breath and running a hand down my face in exasperation. Whether it’s because Rosie’s acceptance means I win a point with Addison or because I have no idea if Casey is here or at the studio, and because I can’t work out why the fuck I hope she is here. But then I also don’t want an audience to me actively swallowing my pride and apologizing to a woman for being mean to her friend. This all seems very… childish. You are a grownup. I chastise myself, and on a quick gust of confidence, I knock rapidly on the door.
It swings open, Rosie answers and the moment her eyes lock on mine, her smile drops and she just says, “Nope,” before slamming it closed again.
I fight the urge to grunt, and I try again. “C’mon Rosie. I’m a grown ass man, don’t make me beg.”
The door swings open again, and her usual scowl is in place. Not the one she gives innocent men she sets her sights on. This one is saved specifically for me. And probably anyone else that she thoroughly loathes.
“What?” she spits as she crosses her arms and leans on the door frame.
I lift the book, which I suddenly realize I haven’t wrapped. “Truce?” Great apology, Jessie.
Her eyes lighten for a split second as she sees the book, before she corrects her facial features and looks back up to my face. She raises an eyebrow, which I take as a win. She is probably counting down from five before she slams the door again. I have to make this good. I take a deep breath, swallow my manhood, and give the best apology I can muster with my arm still outstretched, holding the book. “I’m sorry for making Addison cry. For hurting her when she was already hurt, and for not being there for her when she needed me.” She blinks expectantly and tilts her head like she hasn’t heard enough. I scratch in frustration at my beard before I force out the rest. “I’m a horrible and worthless dick-bag, and I deserve to burn in the pits of hell because Addison is amazing and I’m the worst.” I recite the words Casey texted me. The words she said would work as a last resort if the book didn’t win me any leverage. I hadn’t asked, but she said she had last-minute nerves for me and was really just hoping I had a win.
I was just lost on the tiny, inconsequential fact that Casey had been thinking about me. Cared about my feelings and wanted to help. Whatever the hell that meant.
After a few tense seconds, Rosie’s entire face changes. She plasters a big, toothy smile on her face, leans forward, and snatches the book from my hands.
“Oh my god. Jessie? It’s so nice to see you. It’s been a while!” She announces it like she is genuinely pleased to see me and didn’t just listen to that apology. She turns to head back inside, leaving the door open in what I assume is an invite. I hadn’t planned to stay, but I’m on dangerous footing, so I follow her in. Before I can get any other words out, my chest tightens slightly as I find Casey in the kitchen and Addison on the couch with Noah.
“Ahh…” Great, I had an audience.
“Good job, Jay,” Casey whispers, with her back turned to everyone else, and my entire soul feels like it warms inside me. I quickly shake off her praise and the way it makes me want to do more things that Casey likes. Makes me want to get more of those smiles.
“Lovely selection, Jessie. How’d you pick?” Rosie questions as she joins Addy and Noah on the couch. Noah raises an eyebrow, his expression knowing as he enjoys watching me squirm. I don’t know why he looks so smug; Rosie scares the shit out of him, more than she does me.
I shrug at Rosie, and she narrows her eyes. God, this woman. “The dirtier the better, am I right?” I sigh. She throws her head back in a howling laugh and Addison just shakes her head, burrowing into Noah’s side.
“Food’s up!” Casey calls from the dining table, unnecessarily. Sure, the apartment is larger than mine, but we are all still technically in the same room.
“Oh, I didn’t mean to intrude. I’ll catch you guys later.” I turn and head for the door.
“Don’t be ridiculous! Stay, there is plenty!” Casey swats me on the arm as she makes her way back to the kitchen.
It brings me back to the moment in the café on Saturday, when she left her hand in the middle of my chest, burning a path straight through me as she told me I was the most deserving of kindness. It was all at once shocking and unbelievable. That she firstly thought I was worth someone’s effort in kindness or forethought, and secondly that her simply saying so made me want to throw her on the counter, rip her clothes from her body, and do dirty, exciting, and unspeakable things. I had to mentally slap myself out of it. She is best friends with my sister. She is the epitome of love, happiness, and kindness. This woman who has me so fucking confused and frustrated. The one person who I have no right feeling confused or frustrated about, no right marring with all my baggage.
“You’re going to want to stay. Casey made her chicken pesto, and it is honestly the greatest thing ever.” Addison groans as she pulls herself into the chair. Noah and Rosie quickly sit down, leaving the only empty seat next to Casey. I pull a tight smile in her direction and take a seat, instantly unsure if this is a good idea. The dinner and the proximity.
She sits down but waits. I don’t know what for, but I guess maybe I should wait, too? Maybe she prays?
I watch as everyone digs in, returning my eyes to Casey, and I realize she is waiting for them . To compliment her food, to enjoy it. She bites nervously on her thumbnail, something she seems to do a lot, a small line appearing between her perfect auburn eyebrows. She is genuinely afraid they won’t like her cooking. The bubbly, happy, and confident woman goes and surprises the fuck out of me by suddenly being shy, anxious, and uncertain of herself. I almost want to grab her shoulders and shake her. Ask her how she could possibly be concerned, how there couldn’t be a soul on this planet that wouldn’t immediately fall in love with Casey Baker.
The room fills with the sounds of people enjoying their meal, but I just watch Casey. A glorious smile spreads across her pretty face, and it just somehow makes her glow brighter. She bites her lip instead of her thumb. She does what I can only describe as a little dance from her seat as she looks around at everyone enjoying their food. One word coming to my mind: marvelous. Watching her and seeing the rare moment of insecurity disappear, replaced by that warm smile. Seeing it right now feels almost like a little bit of magic.
It isn’t until her eyes make their way to me and startle that I realize I’m staring at her. Sitting completely still next to her, and my eyes haven’t wavered. It’s like an eclipse. You want to look so bad, want to never tear your eyes away because you don’t want to miss the magic or the beauty. Even when it’s better for your health if you avert your eyes. In my case, it’s better for Casey if I avert. All her clean and pristine happiness, mixing with the tar and dirt from my gloominess. It’s unfair, and she doesn’t deserve that.
What a jerk I’d be.
And yet… I just can’t look away. Can’t… stop.
I reluctantly pull my eyes from hers and try out the pasta everyone is moaning about—
“Oh my god,” I also moan around my food.
“See!” Addison beams.
“You like it?” Casey asks self-consciously next to me. Honestly, she could serve me cold stale bread with out-of-date butter, and I’d shove it in my mouth and tell her it was amazing.
“I honestly don’t think I have ever tasted anything better,” I say quietly to her, and her eyes dart to my lips, like she needs to see the words come out to believe them. Before I get lost again, I look back to my food and remain in silence for the rest of the dinner. Feeling somehow contented just being here and enjoying the comfortable happiness that Addy, Casey, and Rosie exist in.
I’m happy my sister has this place to be herself in, but I find myself jealous of her situation. We both suffered similar demons and the same tragic parenting, and somehow, she seems to have pulled herself out unscathed. Without the loneliness and self-hatred that clings to me with a death grip.
Despite where my thoughts lead me, I stay, soak up the bit of joy everyone seems to think is so good for us before I think up an excuse about an early start and head to the door. I get almost out the door when two little arms aggressively wrap around my middle. I turn and find Addison looking up at me with soft eyes and a smile. I soften slightly as she says a quiet, “Thank you.”
“What for?”
“Making up with Rosie and staying for dinner. For… trying.” She shrugs and I do the same, giving her a small smile.
“Baby steps,” I say.
She shakes her head and laughs. “No, these are big steps. And I know you’re making them because you feel like a shitty brother. But I do love you, JJ. I forgive you, and I’m glad you’re around more. I like it when you’re around Little Rogue.” She punches me in the shoulder, her nickname makes me laugh a bit, too.
“I like being around, Big Rascal.” That little bit of honesty settles like a heavy puddle of warmth in my stomach. I toss her hair and she swats my hand as I turn to leave, and she closes the door behind me.
I can’t even recognize myself as I somehow end up back at my tiny apartment. The uneasiness that swims at the back of my mind. I do like being around them. My sisters, Noah, and Rosie. Casey.
But relationships, friendships, connections they all risk leading to that same place. That goodbye, that never really comes, just slammed doors, retreating steps and hateful words. No one really stays, not forever at least. And how could I trust that anything new is real? How do I know I won’t fuck it up and make them leave? Or that they won’t just get sick of the same old boring waste that is my life, and just bail the moment they can?
The thoughts spin in a loop as I mentally battle my way through my apartment and collapse on my bed. Exhaustion pulling at me as I replay the evening, seeing the way they all seem to unknowingly orbit around Casey. She has perfectly constructed herself to be their gravity, to ensure they are all where they need to be and have whatever it is they need to be comforted. And instead of affording herself the same, she sits in a silent happiness. Like their comfort is the sole thing that brings her joy. Lying here now, alone in the dark quiet of my room, the usual way I like it, remembering her, it feels like I am in a completely separate galaxy being swallowed up by a black hole. And I desperately search for any excuse to find the sun again.