29 – Ace, Sunshine, Baby?
Jessie
The chorus of Burning by Maggie Rogers fills the girls’ apartment as I twist the key and let myself in. Addison will still be in Chicago with Noah for another week, coming back just in time for Thanksgiving, and I am beginning to abuse the apartment key privileges. I’m not ready to admit that the last three weeks of letting myself into Casey’s apartment, kissing her hello, and making myself comfortable on her couch has been the best part of my days. Because admitting that would mean labeling us, and doing that feels like tainting something pure. How we are is perfect. It is easy comfort, and I am not ready to complicate anything.
I also wasn’t ready to analyze how these last three weeks haven’t felt like my life at all. The regular catch ups with the guys at Pucks, seeing Casey almost daily and walking around the cafe with a goddamned smile on my face. None of it felt real. I was waiting for the other shoe to drop. Either they were all going to work out I wasn’t worth it, or I was going to fuck it up somehow.
The further I head into the apartment, the louder Casey’s gentle singing becomes as I hear her sing select lyrics, ‘I’m in love, I’m alive, oh I’m burning.’ I pause at the entrance to the kitchen, leaning on the wall and admiring her from where she stands at the stove. With her back to me, hips swaying to the beat of the song, a light hum of the lyrics and gentle giggles when she realizes she doesn’t know the words. In only her tight as fuck yoga leggings–these light purple ones are my favorite–with a white crop top, her auburn hair in a topknot on her head, the lazy strands falling to the back of her delicate neck in invitation. She is delectable. Lord, bring me patience.
The music is loud enough that she wouldn’t have heard the door open, which is possibly a measure of safety I’m really going to have to talk to her about. And the incredible smell of whatever she is cooking fills the room. I just take in the sweet sound of her voice, the chuckle that follows, and the way the lyrics wash over me, because I think…
No. I can’t.
I shake my head just as she turns toward the counter, but noticing me in the corner of her eye, she snaps her head in my direction, a little squeal and almost slipping, she catches herself on the counter.
“Jesus Christ, Jessie!” I laugh gently, reaching for the speaker volume and turning it down as I make my way to her.
“Maybe you shouldn’t play your music so loud,” I say smoothly as I stalk in her direction. A cheeky smile pulls at her lips as she watches me with interest.
“Maybe you should announce yourself when you enter my apartment,” she teases back, and as I get into her space, she tilts her head back, and my heart bottoms out at the size of the smile she gives me.
“Maybe,” I whisper, my lips hovering above hers, and instead of closing the final distance, she just stays there, biting her lip before whispering.
“Hi.”
“Hi,” I reply.
“Well, are you going to kiss me?” she says, her eyes snatching to my lips. The taunt in her tone makes me chuckle, but I oblige her, sealing my lips gently with hers in a kiss. The kind of kiss that feels like finally.
Finally, I’m home from work.
Finally, Casey is in front of me.
Finally, I can touch her and see her ocean eyes.
I just really want it to also be, finally, Casey is mine.
She hums happily when I pull away, and I’m hit with that gorgeous smile again. I can’t even help myself; I grip her hips and lift her to the counter. When she gasps in surprise and holds my shoulders for balance, I steal her lips again, this time a demand. Showing her how badly I need her, even if I can’t tell her with my own words.
She tastes of honey and mustard and—
“What are you making?” I practically pant as I pull away from her delicious lips and look to the stove.
She releases a breathless chuckle as she responds, “Honey mustard chicken. Was tossing up between rice or pasta, I hadn’t decided.” I look back at her, and pure happiness radiates from her.
“Rice,” I respond. And she nods, her beaming smile growing even more.
“Okay,” she says as her eyes move to mine.
“How long has it got to go?” I question, nodding in the direction of the dinner cooking on the stove, my heart racing in my chest and my desire for Casey growing rapidly in this moment.
“Umm, maybe five minutes, plus however long the rice takes.” Her response is breathless as she senses my desire, matching it with hers.
Dammit. I want way more than five minutes. I smile mischievously and kiss her gently, lifting her down from the counter. She huffs and frowns in disappointment.
“Later, sunshine. I want to take my time,” I promise before kissing her again and stalking for the fridge.
“Fine,” she breathes, then turns back to the stove. “What was your day like?”
“Busy. Had to get stock lists and pictures for Noah. He’s building the online store, so I’ve been tied up doing that.” I pull out the vegetables from the fridge and turn to the counter next to the stove.
“You hear from that developer again?” she asks as she hands me a chopping board and knife. Taking it, I respond.
“Nope. I’m hoping I won’t.” I eye her side on and see her gentle smile as she stirs the sauce, preparing a pot of water for the rice. “How was your day?” I ask as we settle into this easy domestic pattern of the last few weeks. Either in her kitchen or mine.
“Busy.” Her shoulders tighten, and the smile I love disappears.
“And?” I push, because she should know better than to shut down on me.
“And nothing, it was just… a big day.” Won’t be having any of that. I drop the knife, the vegetable prep forgotten, and I crowd behind her, leaning my hands on the edge of the stove, pressing my front to her back and nuzzling her neck.
Trailing delicate kisses up her neck, I feel her relax back into me, and I say softly in her ear, “Talk to me, sunshine.”
She releases a big breath. I can feel the way her face is scrunched in pain, even if I can’t see her from where I continue to place kisses along the soft line of her neck, encouraging her to talk to me.
“Grace won’t answer my calls. I’ve moved the girls’ roster around a bit to give me a bit more time off. I’ve posted an ad for another trainer, but I really need Grace. I know she is going through a lot, but… this just isn’t fair; she was the one that pushed for the new studio. It just feels like she has bailed on me, and I don’t know how much longer I can be patient for.”
“Have you tried to go over and see her again?” I press gently, pausing my kisses, but remaining behind her, not willing to leave this closeness, the way her floral scent wraps around my lungs and squeezes my chest.
“I went over on Friday, but Evan said she was sleeping, so I went home. I tried to message her, she didn’t respond. Tried calling her, she won’t answer. I’m avoiding Mom now because I know she wants to talk about Grace, but it feels like a betrayal to talk about Grace when she won’t even talk to me.” Her head falls back against my shoulder, and this time, I see the pain etched into her scrunched brows, and the way her bottom lip drops, her chin quivering, and pain spears me in the chest.
“Hey, hey, hey, don’t cry, Ace. She really doesn’t deserve your kind heart, you know that, right?” I say gently, gripping her chin and turning her to face me. Her eyes remain scrunched shut, and the further dip of her bottom lip has me turning her fully and burying her in my embrace. Squeezing her like I can squeeze the pain from her. Take all of it, rid her of it.
“She’s my sister,” she whispers between a gentle sob and breath.
“I know, baby. I know,” I say gently back, and at the realization of the pet name that slipped my lips, she goes rigid, pulling out of the embrace and blinking at me rapidly.
“Um.”
“I’m sorry, I didn’t…”
“It’s fine, really.” She gives me an awkward smile. Wiping at her tears, she waves me off, returning to the sauce, adding the rice to the water. I reluctantly return to the chopping board beside her, not really sure what just happened.
“How…” she clears her throat then tries again, “How come you give me so many names?”
“What?”
“Ace, sunshine, baby?” I shrug at the question, not willing to meet her gaze, but feel it on me.
“Ace came to me when we were kids. I don’t really know why, you just seemed… so good at everything, you know? Like everything you tried, you aced it. Being a friend to my sister, baking, being happy.” My gaze floats to hers, and she only tilts her head to the side in contemplation, so I focus back on the vegetable prep. “Sunshine, well, that one is obvious.” I shrug again.
“Obvious?” she queries, and I feel her disappear behind me to grab something from the fridge.
“Yeah, you are sunshine. You glow.” When I meet her gaze again, a bright pink blush warms her cheeks, and she blinks self-consciously back at the rice pot, the cream she had grabbed placed gently on the counter. The look makes me chuckle, and then she turns an upturned smirk on me, leaning a hip on the counter, giving me her full attention.
“And then you just called me baby. You haven’t called me that one before.” Her tone is laced with playful challenge, like she knows exactly why that had slipped my lips but wants to hear me say it.
To tell her I’ve claimed her as mine and that I’m all in.
Telling her all the feelings that have gripped my chest for the last few weeks, probably longer, that I’ve been too much of a coward to admit to. But when I look into those deep blues, their depths of hope and joy, memories of watching Jenny walk out on me when I had been ready to give her my all burns a path across my heart. The echo of the pain I held the last time I put my heart on the line causes my words to stick in my throat, and I can’t manage to get them out. Instead, I force them back down, swallowing them whole and shrugging.
I say nothing.
And I feel regret cover me, like a blanket of shame.
I feel her retreat. Not physically, but I can feel the way she pulls back. Instead, we continue to prepare dinner in silence.
As she begins to plate it up, I break the silence, like the complete coward that I am. “Where is Rosie tonight?”
“Working late,” she responds with clipped words, but because she is Casey and doesn’t want to hurt my feelings, she still gives me a gentle smile before digging into her food.
Fuck. I run a frustrated hand down my face, scratching at my beard and trying to force myself to eat. Even though I have lost my appetite entirely. I am such an idiot.
“Casey—”
“It’s okay. Anyway, I’m glad you came over tonight.” She rests a hand on my arm, but focuses on eating her dinner.
“You are?” She simply nods and hums an agreement as she chews her food.
“It was a hard day. You make it not so bad.” She smiles again, but it isn’t a real one. It isn’t the sunshine I love, it’s… appeasing. I grumble and pull my hand from her grip. Feeling her burn through my ice is usually a welcoming feeling, but she’s burnt through me almost completely, and every attempt to keep her at any kind of emotional distance only ends with me feeling like a dick. The worst part is that she doesn’t even push me back, like I’d expect any sane person to do. Instead, she lets me push, she takes it, and is just… still fucking there.
Smiling at me. Even if it is fake as fuck. And now I’m frustrated, because even with me, she is continuously being what she believes other people need.
She thinks I’m stuck on unrequited love with a woman on the other side of the world. She thinks I’m in pain and that I’m suffering. That she owes me gentle smiles and soft touches. A few kisses and heated moments to help me work through my pain?
Fuck if that doesn’t make me want to throw her on that counter and demand her to understand that the only woman that has me fucked up is her. That the only unrequited love is the one for her heart. Her smile. That beaming sunshine when she directs it at me.
I’m a fucking coward. And I’m a mess.
She deserves so much better than me. Than this bullshit.
“How’s my little man?” I coo to Ollie as I bounce him in my arms. Matt and Ava’s dining room is filled with the smell of the Sunday roast we just finished, my eight-month-old nephew smiling and sucking on his balled up fist.
“Ready for his bath and bed, I think,” Ava says, clapping her hands and making baby noises at Ollie as she pulls him from my hands.
“You next, Jessie?”
“For a bath?” Addison and Riley basically choke on their water at my response to Mom’s question, but when she scowls at me, I bite back my smile and answer her actual question.
“Not even close. You have a better chance of getting one from Addison,” I throw back.
“Hey!” Addison scolds, but her smile beams. What was once a rarity is now common, and the tall, usually happy, currently ashen man sitting next to her is to thank for that. A satisfied smirk pulls at my lips at the way Noah’s eyes are bulging and a sheen of sweat builds on his forehead. Addison taps his thigh beneath the table, giggling when she gets a look at his face. “Oh, Romeo, don’t worry. I’m not having any of your gigantic babies anytime soon.” He nervously chuckles before gulping down his water.
“I think we’re just fine with the two silly kids we have,” Matt provides as he ruffles Mia’s hair, who is perched on his knee. She smacks away his hand and laughs.
“Uncle Noah, don’t you want to have kids like me?” She leans on the table, her hands resting on her chin as she stares deeply into his soul. Noah’s eyes go to Matt’s in pleading, but he just shrugs and lets the big idiot flounder.
Of course, Addison rescues him. “There are no other kids like you, kid.” Addy winks at Mia, who giggles and, unfortunately, turns her attention to me. “Are you going to have cousins for me, Uncle Jessie?”
“One day, kiddo. Can’t exactly do that on my own.” I mimic Matt’s gesture of ruffling her hair and she swats me away, that childish giggle filling my cold heart.
“Actually, you can. It’s 2024. Anything is possible.” Riley smiles at me and I roll my eyes.
“Wouldn’t want a child to suffer with just Jessie. They’d need at least one parent who is… nice,” Addison says and folds her lips into her mouth, trying to smother her laugh. Matt and Noah hide theirs in their drinks as Mom scolds Addison.
“Don’t be so cruel, Addy.” Addison just rolls her eyes. I see the very subtle gesture of Noah reaching an arm to Addy’s leg under the table.
Mom and Addy have certainly come a long way, but there is some awkwardness between them still. This is our first full family dinner in a few months, one where Mom has attended. Ava came up with the brilliant idea for dinner to celebrate the first day of December. The girls helped Mia decorate the Christmas tree and, now that Addy and Noah are back from Chicago, we had a little moment of giving thanks around a roast turkey as well.
“Golden child,” Riley mumbles, taking another swig of her drink.
“You get settled at Lucas’s, chaos?” I ask Riley, ignoring her rib.
Riley nods and settles into her chair. “Yeah. Still have some boxes to unpack, but it’s good. Huge room. The place is like one big loft. I think it was once an old warehouse. Has this incredible view over the city. You’ll have to come see it. I just don’t know about living with two dudes.” I nod, happy that she seems to be happy with the new digs, but also apprehensive about her living with two guys she barely knows.
“Don’t you have girl friends in the city?”
“I do. But living with them was never going to be a good idea. Plus, guys are a lot less drama,” she mumbles, and the entire table’s attention shifts to her. She looks up and sees everyone staring at her and rears back slightly, her arms wrapping around herself.
Riley has a history of some very shitty friends, but I thought that was just high school. I hadn’t realized this had carried over into her adult life.
“What happened with your friends?” I press.
“Nothing. We just aren’t those kinds of friends. I don’t want to be stuck in a lease if something bad happens. It’s no big deal.”
I analyze her for a beat and try to be… nicer. I am trying to stop being a dick to my sisters and keeping them at arms’ length. I am being… friendly.
“Can we not?” Riley grimaces and rolls her eyes before settling us all with a bored look. “With the loving looks and need to shower me with compliments. I know it’s coming and I’ll pass. I’m fine. I was only reluctant to live with two guys because it means I can’t walk around naked. At least they’ll be fun, and I won’t have to pretend to enjoy all that girl bullshit and gossiping that comes with living with women.” She finishes her drink and heads for the bathroom.
“Okay, Mia, Ollie’s down. Your turn.” Ava claps her way back into the dining room, breaking the tense silence.
“I got her.” Matt lifts Mia into his arms, who is obviously tired enough because she doesn’t protest and instead nuzzles into his shoulder. Matt kisses Ava delicately on the cheek as he passes her and Ava joins the table.
“How’s Casey?” she asks innocently, as though the way I have a little section of my heart carved out for her is obvious to everyone in this room. I blink at her question but stumble on my words. I open my mouth to say something when the chuckle Noah attempts to hide in his drink turns into him violently choking on it. Karma, fucker.
“Good, I guess.” I shrug, but can’t seem to make eye contact, focusing on my drink. “Ask Addison.” I’m still in obvious denial after over a month of sitting in ‘almost’ with Casey. I still haven’t told her what I’m feeling, but neither has she. We’d get hot and heavy and nearly everything pours from my mouth. In an effort to shut it down, I push her away and she lets me. Just accepting where we are and being persistent in exactly who she is. A solid rock. A reminder that she isn’t leaving.
That she isn’t Jenny.
She is so much more than that.
“I see,” Mom teases from across the table.
“Yes, we’re still in denial,” Addison informs them.
“Indeed, we are.” Riley’s smile reminds me of the Cheshire cat as she returns from the bathroom.
“What the fuck are you all talking about?” I grumble and try to fist my hands to stop from fidgeting.
“Oh, please, Jessie. You’ve been in love with that girl since you were twenty-two.” Mom waves her hand and rolls her eyes, sipping her glass of wine.
“Ew.” Addison shudders, covering her face.
“I have not. I dated Jenny for years,” I retort, but somehow the thought of Jenny feels empty, like a distant memory that makes me feel nothing. No pain at not being enough, no despair for the years of loneliness, of a shattered future.
Well, that’s new.
“You existed with Jenny. But with Casey, well, you seem different,” Ava provides.
“How so?” I grumble back, the frustration evident in my voice as I try to grasp how the fuck we got into this conversation.
“Well, for one, you’re much more pleasant to be around,” Riley provides.
“Agreed,” Matt chimes in as he enters the dining room.
“You seem happier,” Addison provides.
“More… alive,” Ava says, her expression contemplative, and the room breaks out into a joint ‘mmm’ in agreement.
“I don’t need to listen to this.” I push off from the table and stalk for the bathroom. Some chuckles and tsking reach me from the dining room as I lock myself away.
My mood has nothing to do with Casey. Sure, getting through the day is easier when I know that when I get home, she’ll be there snuggled on my couch, or she’s either dancing in the living room, baking in the kitchen, concentrating on a re-bind project on the couch, or sometimes napping in her bed. And each time, it’s a gentle smile, a quiet, ‘hi,’ and a kiss that whispers, finally , every time.
Okay, fine, so maybe my mood has everything to do with Casey.
When I look up, I have to blink to bring my brain back to the present. Startled by my reflection because a smile is plastered to my face, my heart is calm, and it feels like it’s easier to breathe. Because I was thinking about the way her lips feel soft on mine, and how my head empties of every stress or worry when we lie together on the couch reading. When I question her about her plans for the studio, when she tells me about a horrible new coffee flavor she tried.
A chuckle works its way up my throat over a particularly fun evening with her only a couple days ago. We were at my apartment, ordered pizza, because she was too exhausted to be cooking, and she goaded me into trying some new acro-yoga poses. It had involved a few partner poses, and she had laughed her head off at my lack of flexibility and coordination, but when I finally got her upside down, her delicate hands squeezed in mine, I deliberately lowered my legs that held her hips, so I could steal that smile in a kiss.
Without meaning to, and without even noticing, all my good days had become hers. Every bad day had ended up with Casey wrapped up with me, under me, or on top of me, and I couldn’t see a part of my future where it wouldn’t always be her that I wanted there.
The slow realization has me blinking again and shaking my head, rubbing a hand on the pain in my chest, but more so, a pain of regret. Regretting making Casey exist in the unknown, not understanding what we are. She stuck by me even when I was a coward, and she deserves to know exactly what I was feeling. She deserves to have someone fight for her.
I throw the bathroom door open and roll my eyes so hard they nearly fall out of my head. The pack of hormones stands before me, Addison and Riley, in matching stances, with their arms crossed, while Ava stares knowingly up at me. Riley is closer to my height at five-seven, so she towers over the other girls, and I catch the waggling of her eyebrows as she hits me with a knowing look.
“I need to leave,” I mumble and try to push past them.
“To go and confess love?”
“To run away from your feelings?”
“To hide in your hovel and pretend no one exists?”
“Jesus Christ.” I run a hand down my face as they each throw me their thoughts. But after how long I’ve made Casey wait, I’ll be damned if I am telling them how I feel before telling her.
“Beat it.” I nod my head in the direction of the dining room, trying to rid myself of these buzzards. Riley and Ava scoff but file off back down the hallway. As I turn to head for the front door and slip out, Addison grabs my elbow.
“What?” I scold her, and she pulls back, but her fury holds her strong. She is barely at my shoulder height, but when she levels me with that look, it feels a lot like she stares down her nose at me.
“Are you going to hurt my friend?”
“Why the fuck would I do that, Addison?”
“I am just making sure that in your attempt to bury your feelings, to rip out your own heart and refuse yourself the opportunity to feel something, that you’re not going to destroy my friend right along with you.”
“I’m in love with her!” I roar at her, my heart racing, and when her satisfied smile spreads across her face, my mouth opens and closes again. To take it back, to lie and say I’m not, but I am.
She holds her smirk and nods. “I know.” She closes her eyes and drops her head. Her hands on her hips like she is finding patience to deal with me.
“I know you are, Jessie, and I’m really hoping that you’re about to leave here and tell her exactly that.” She points at me. “Because if you’re going over there to pull away because all of our talk has scared you off, you better fucking stay gone. You’ll rip her heart out and she deserves better than that.” Burning green anger levels me, and I feel my heart bottom out. Pride burns deep inside, both at Addy’s strength and her unwavering support and love for her friend.
I had convinced myself that Casey wouldn’t have me if I went over there and tried to convince her to give us a chance. I am broken, but I am healing, and I want her to be the one that sat by me as I help her grow strong, too. I want to take care of her, give her what she needs when no one else does. When everyone else takes, I want to give, and I want to give until there is nothing left.
I just nod slowly at Addison, heeding the warning, but knowing, deeply, that if I have any control over this thing between Casey and me, it wouldn’t be to pull away or shatter her. It would be to steal her for just myself. To make her mine and never look back.
Addison nods back, and a wide smile spreads across her face as she whispers, “Go get her, then.”