31 – The Goodbye We Needed
Casey
“Connor, what are you doing here?” I ask, stepping out into the hall and closing the door behind me. It was an attempt to stop Rosie from eavesdropping, but I know she skidded up behind this door immediately and has her ear pressed firmly against it so she misses nothing.
“I came to see you,” he says gently. He is so different from the last time I saw him. Polished and looking every bit the grown up I had begged him to be for the better part of our relationship. Wearing a tailored suit, his hair coiffed and combed, the dark shiny strands look like they were each individually placed on his head. Connor was always private-school-boy-handsome. He is tall, has a muscular build, slender, but nicely toned and high cheekbones that meant he had small dimples when he smiled.
But the Connor I broke up with was not the Connor I originally fell in love with. Over time, it felt like I was begging him to care. To notice me, to breathe life into me. I wanted passion, desire, an all-consuming love. I wanted him to want me so badly he couldn’t be in the same room as me without needing to tear our clothes off. I wanted him to get so worked up and passionate that we fought, that we challenged each other. I wanted to never run out of things to say and simultaneously enjoy the quiet moments where we held each other. Connor was never that person, and it was wrong of me to want him to be that. I knew then, that morning we broke up, that we had outgrown each other, simply because we were growing in different directions. I think our end was always inevitable, and seeing him standing here in front of me, nothing but the nostalgic twinge of seeing an old friend hits me, confirming all that I knew.
“Okay.” I nod at him, not really understanding. “Is everything okay?”
“Perfect, in fact.” He steps forward, his gentle smile tipping to the side as he appraises me. I hadn’t been expecting company, so I am wearing my apartment clothes–comfy blue cotton overalls with a white sweater underneath–my hair in a topknot and absolutely not a lick of makeup on. “You look cute,” he muses, pushing a hair behind my ear. “I missed you,” he whispers.
“Connor… Why did you come here?” I say back, and my tone gives away my lack of interest. I know why he is here, and the only pain I feel is at how I know I’m about to hurt him, again.
“I want you back, Casey. I am so sorry for how I acted. How I ignored your requests for my attention and how badly you needed me.” He rushes it out while stepping forward, and I raise a hand, gently pushing him back.
“First of all, Connor, I didn’t badly need you. I just asked you to care about our relationship.”
“I know. That’s what I meant… I-I want to try again. I know I can be what you need. I’ve changed. I’m working at Dad’s shop, doing mostly the office stuff. He is going to teach me how to run it one day.” He puffs his chest in pride, and I smile up at him.
“That really is great. I’m proud of you.” He nods and beams an even bigger smile at me. “But, I’m not coming back.” I let him down as gently as I can, reaching a hand forward to rub his arm.
“B-but we’re it, you and me, we’re college sweethearts. We could tell our kids all about how hard we fought for each other.” He has so much hope in his face, and try as I might, I can’t even help the chuckle that comes up my throat. He looks like a damn puppy, and I hate having to let him down like this.
“Connor, I care about you. I do, really. I hope that you find someone who makes you happy, someone who is worth all that fight you’ve found. But it isn’t me.” He swallows, and my heart sinks when his face does.
“It’s not you,” he repeats in a low voice, and I shake my head. “You… Is there someone else?” I bite my lip and contemplate how honest I’m going to be.
My long-term college sweetheart is dressed in a suit, looking like a puppy being praised, and I settle with the fact that he deserves the truth. He deserves my complete honesty if he is ever going to put us behind him.
“There is. I…I care about you, Connor. I probably always will. But, I don’t love you, and I haven’t for a long while. There is someone else, and I really do love him.” He drops his head and takes a few steps back. Rolling his shoulders, he looks up at me with so much longing in his eyes, and I step forward to grip both his arms. “I’m sorry I couldn’t be what you were hoping to have, but I know your forever is out there somewhere. It’s okay that it isn’t us. You deserve someone who loves you deeply, Connor. Don’t settle for what’s comfortable.” A little tip to the corner of his lips showing off those cute dimples, and I see it, the realization that he probably wasn’t even in love with me, not right now. It was just comfy, the thought of us. I know the feeling of not wanting to be alone and missing something familiar, but that’s all this was. He doesn’t love me like how he thought, and he is just starting to understand that.
“I hope you’re happy, Case.” He nods and smiles. He steps forward cautiously, and I roll my eyes, giving him one of my big smiles to let him know there are no hard feelings. “Come here, you goon.” I chuckle at him and let him hold me in a hug. Nothing but platonic love for him fills my chest. I think we’d be friends in another life. He wraps his tall frame around me and squeezes. It’s the goodbye we both need, the closure.
Pulling back, he tucks a hair behind my ear again and says quietly, “Well, this is embarrassing.” It makes us both chuckle and I step out of his reach, but before I can respond, movement hits the corner of my eye and my head snaps in that direction.
“Jess?” For a moment my chest inflates with happiness as it always does the second I lay eyes on him, but… but he takes a few steps back and I realize what I see in his face.
Pain.
So much pain and anger, I think also shock.
“Sorry. I… I didn’t mean to…” He doesn’t even finish his sentence before he spins and bails around the corner.
Seriously!? He just bailed.
“Wait, Jessie!”
I look back up to Connor, who has the right mind to look guilty. He scratches the back of his head and says sheepishly, “I assume that was him?” My joy is immediately gone, and I level Connor with an unimpressed look.
Jessie looked like he was ready to murder Connor, and the only reason he would be doing that while turning up unannounced was because he was going to hit me with some truth. Truth I think I’ve been waiting for. But the big dumb idiot jumped to conclusions and didn’t even give me a single chance to clarify.
Well, I was done with that.
“I have to go,” I say to Connor and he nods, waving a last goodbye and leaving. I quickly duck back inside the apartment to change and explain everything to Rosie, who is relentless in chasing me around my room for details while I change.
I think it’s about time I set this brooding lumberjack straight.