18. Res
18
Res
I manage to avoid Lilah the rest of the day, citing being tired from a long day. The next morning, I manage to avoid her by going to a Sovereignty service. I was going anyway, eager to see what one looked like up close, which was the excuse I gave Lilah when she invited me out to brunch.
“You’re going to be a conduit. Part of the immediate family. We’re exempt from the attendance policy,” she’d said.
I didn’t actually know there was an attendance policy, and I didn’t know that conduits and family of the Oracle were exempt from it. Regardless, that knowledge wouldn’t have changed my intentions.
It was more or less similar to going to a Sunday sermon at Loving Eden, except there is a stricter dress code: shades of whites and beiges. For women, dresses and skirts all the way to the floor. Long sleeves. Loose clothing. Long hair. For men, a three-piece suit with neatly trimmed hair, nothing below the chin. Short beards or clean shaven.
It's not quite a uniform, but they all look uniform enough that I wonder if there’s a store where they all buy their approved clothing for Sunday service. I make a note to either ask Magdalene next time I see her or ask whoever my instructor is for my second week of processing.
However, I can’t keep myself busy all day, and Lilah manages to corner me before dinner.
“Lilah,” I say in surprise at seeing the woman at my door. “Is dinner ready?”
I’d planned to skip, even though I’m starving since I’m barred from consuming anything during the day except coffee or coffee drinks without some kind of doctor’s order to supersede that, like Lilah apparently has.
“No. In fact, I was thinking we skip family dinner and go out tonight for dinner. I know a place. Very exclusive and private. We’ll have an entire dining area to ourselves. Adah is coming too. She got back in town last night.”
At this point, I’m out of good excuses to avoid Lilah. It would be suspicious to say no. If I’m going to convince her that she didn’t see what she definitely did see, I don’t need to look like I’m avoiding her.
“Sure,” I finally say. “When are we leaving?”
“Right after you get dressed,” she says in delight. “I’ve already gotten the Oracle’s permission. He even told us as long as Landon and Caleb come, we don’t have to bring any of the Sentry.”
I’m sure that means more than I’m gleaning from it and is something I’d understand if I knew more about how the Sovereignty worked. But as it is, I just nod along.
Lilah tells me to dress nice but casual and leaves me to it. I grab a red dress out of my closet, run a hot round brush through my hair to refresh my waves, and throw on a pair of leather boots to go along with it. The only thing I take with me is my phone, which is encased in a phone case wallet with my ID, debit card, a credit card, and my passport. Because I’d be damned before I’d ever let the Sovereignty take that from me. I haven’t ruled out having to make a sudden escape if I need to. I might fail, but it wouldn’t stop me from trying.
When I get downstairs, Lilah is waiting with Adah, a short woman with hair even blacker than mine falling about her shoulders.
She looks me up and down, and I try not to squirm under the scrutiny of her intense gaze.
“You’re Lauressa,” Adah states.
“You’re Adah,” I say.
“Welcome to our lonely, exclusive club. The only way out of it is, unfortunately, death.”
“Adah!” Lilah exclaims, hitting the woman in the arm. Then she says, “Come on. The boys are waiting for us.”
When we get outside, Landon and Caleb are waiting by a large black SUV with the doors open.
“Your chariot awaits you, Mothers,” Landon says dramatically.
I can’t help but scowl and say, “I’m not your mother. We’re the same age.”
He gives me a cheeky grin as he helps me into the sedan before closing the door and sliding into the front passenger seat while Caleb drives us to our destination.
I’m silent for the ride, and Lilah and Adah seem content to let it stay that way as Adah answers Lilah’s questions about her travels outside the country. We arrive at the restaurant and are escorted to a private dining hall with two tables—one for the three of us and one for Landon and Caleb out on the balcony, so we can have our privacy, but they can peek inside and keep an eye on us to make sure the waiters don’t turn out to be FBI agents or whatever boogeyman the Sovereignty thinks wants to harm the most important women in it.
No sooner have we sat down and ordered drinks, all non-alcoholic, than Lilah and Adah turn their attention to me.
“I’ve been itching to really talk to you,” Lilah says. “But the house isn’t private enough. What we need to talk about is for conduit ears only.”
Adah rolls her eyes and says, “Stop dragging it out and leaving her in suspense. She’s bursting at the seams with nerves.”
I thought I was doing a decent job hiding my nerves. Most people wouldn’t have noticed. One of the remnants of growing up in Loving Eden was having to have an almost supernatural control of my emotions. Nothing less than happiness and being grateful to the Creator was acceptable at all times. Anger was acceptable for men sometimes. But otherwise, lingering in sadness or depression or anxiety was a sign that your faith wasn’t strong enough, and the quickest way to be locked in a room all weekend listening to sermons or reading Bibles or Christian self-help books that said your emotions weren’t real if they weren’t joy.
“I wanted to talk to you about Jaxson,” Lilah says gently.
“Look… what you saw Saturday,” I begin .
“Is between you and him,” Lilah says, waving a hand in front of her. Then she grins and says, “I was young and recklessly in love once. I still am. I know .”
The Oracle doesn’t seem to be the type of man to favor the kind of reckless love that Lilah describes me having with Jaxson. But that would mean… No. That can’t…
“With the Oracle?” I ask, even though I already know the answer.
“Supreme Force, no!” Adah exclaims, almost choking on her drink in the process.
“But you’re conduits. Doesn’t that mean you exclusively belong to him?” I ask.
“Technically, yes,” Lilah says slowly. “But as long as we perform our sacred duty when the Oracle asks, it’s not uncommon for conduits to have their… vices.”
“Vices,” I repeat slowly. It’s clear what she’s getting at. But in a cult with strict rules like the Sovereignty, you can never be too careful. “You mean…”
“Lovers,” Lilah finally says with a blush.
I’ve spent years studying religious cults. I was raised in one. I know better than anyone that most people aren’t following the rules as strictly as they pretend to be. If it’s a rule, it’s always broken—particularly the rules around relationships, sex, and sexuality. It’s human nature. It can’t be escaped. But even knowing that, I didn’t expect for such a taboo to be broken in the immediate family and inner circle of the Sovereignty. The Oracle’s conduits. His most devout disciples and followers. The women who give their bodies freely in some supposed spiritual energy exchange. The ones that are probably force-fed the propaganda the most.
If this were known widely, it would probably be seen as the highest disrespect to Jaxson’s father.
“Lovers,” I repeat. “You have lovers.”
“Had, have, will have,” Adah replies. She sighs and adds, “We were like you. We had other aspirations. Other people we wanted to marry. But the Oracle wanted us by order of the Supreme Force. We can’t say no to him. So we do our duty. Have a few babies. After a while, he gets tired of us like men do and moves on to the next… Though, it’s been a long time since the Oracle took one on. We didn’t think he would again. But… only the Supreme Force knows.”
“That is to say that just because the Oracle chose you doesn’t mean that you have to give up the person you want… not permanently anyway. You just have to do your duty. And once you have a baby, especially if it’s a son, you’ll solidify your place in the house and get a lot more freedom and privileges,” Lilah says. “We’ll even help you if that’s what you want.”
“You’ll help me?” I ask.
“There’s a reason I’m always out of town,” Adah says. “Ostensibly, it’s traveling to other cultures and learning how they bear witness to the Sovereignty so I can write about it in my weekly corner in our newspaper.”
“But really?” I ask.
“Meeting up with my latest sugar baby,” Adah says.
Lilah hits her on the head with her drinks menu, but her laughter belies her apparent chiding. “You’re so promiscuous.”
“What can I say? I’m not a one-man woman,” Adah says and then grins as she adds, “Unlike you.”
I look back at Lilah, who blushes and says, “He’s someone part of the Oracle’s S-team. I tried to get him to be here with us tonight, but he’s preparing to travel with the Oracle for his monthly retreat. Which was why I knew tonight would be the perfect night to get you out here and give you the inside scoop on how we operate as conduits.”
“So… what you’re saying is that I can still see Jaxson, and you all aren’t going to say anything about it?” I ask.
Lilah and Adah exchange a glance.
“Well,” Lilah says. “Like I said, what happens between the two of you is your business. But humor me while I give you some older sister advice.”
“Okay…” I reply.
“I know Jaxson is probably new and exciting to you, and he introduced you to the Sovereignty, so you have an attachment to him. It’s only natural. But...”
“Just rip the bandage off, Lilah,” Adah snaps. Then she looks me directly in the eye and says, “Jaxson is going to be Oracle one day. If it wasn’t clear Abdiel was going to choose him as his heir before, it’s clear now. Giving up any public claim to you to his father? It’s like when the Supreme Force asked Abraham to sacrifice his son. Proof that he’s more loyal to the Supreme Force and his Oracle over all things. Even the things he desires the most.”
It's apparently lost on them that in said story, God—or rather the Supreme Force as the Sovereignty has apparently transposed onto the story—told Abraham he didn’t have to sacrifice his son in the end. The point was proven with the willingness to sacrifice him at all. I doubt the Oracle plans on going back on his claim to allow his son to have me.
“What’s that got to do with anything?” I ask.
Lilah reaches across the table and grabs my hand while saying, “Lauressa. He’s going to have to take a wife soon if that’s the case. And once he becomes Oracle, he’ll have to have his own conduits. And while we have our… vices,” she settles on, “taking on the conduit of the previous Oracle isn’t done. You belong to the Oracle you were claimed by for life, and it would be sacrilege for another Oracle to disrespect that.”
It's not lost on me that they’re telling me that Jaxson wouldn’t be allowed to have me if he became Oracle because his father claimed me in this breath while in the last, they were encouraging me to take on lovers so long as I did my duty. But even if I argued it, they wouldn’t see the irony. Their rules, traditions, and doctrine sew a cognitive dissonance that doesn’t allow them to see the contradictions of what they’re telling me.
Something must show on my face because Lilah immediately says, “I’m not saying you have to end things now. That’s still a ways off! But—”
“Better to end things on your own terms before you get your heart broken,” Adah advises. No. It’s more than advice. It’s personal.
“Is that what happened to you?” I ask, looking at Adah. She shakes her head, and I look at Lilah .
There aren’t many people who would have been up for the position of Oracle that something similar could have happened to them.
“You dated Mason?” I ask.
Lilah shrugs. “He brought me in the same way Jaxson brought you in. His plan was to marry me. But then the Oracle chose me, and I couldn’t say no. But Mason didn’t react well. He left for a time. A long time. I almost left with him. But I was strong enough to get through my first trial of the Sovereignty. He failed his test. The Oracle will never name him his successor now.”
“Why didn’t you leave with him?” I ask.
“Who was I to deny the will of the Supreme Force? I was different from you. By that point, I’d been around for a few years. Since my teens. Where else would I have gone? The Sovereignty is my life. I may not always understand or even agree, but I believe in its mission and truth wholeheartedly. I have no regrets about that,” Lilah says firmly. “And it was a good thing. It revealed to me that Mason’s faith was too unstable at the time. He had a different journey that didn’t involve me. We’re friends now and glad of it.”
I don’t know if she’s trying to convince me or herself. She says she has no regrets, but I get the feeling that she does. Or, rather, she would if the Sovereignty allowed her to have them.
“Does Jaxson know?” I ask. Because if he’d known this was a possibility, there’s no way he would have brought me before his father.
“He was still just a child then. Spent more of his time with his older sister than at the house. It was just me, Mason, and the Oracle,” Lilah clarifies. “But even if he had known and kept you away, nothing can stop the will of the Supreme Force. Even if he had stolen you away to marry in secret, your destiny would have been sitting at this table with us as a future conduit for Abdiel.”
If this were a few weeks ago, when I was wallowing in my room, afraid that Jaxson was about to abandon me and submit to his father for his own ambitions, I’d be excusing myself to cry right now. I’d be berating myself for being so foolish and stupid to think that a man like Jaxson, who has never done anything to risk his position and ambitions, would fight for me. But a few weeks ago, Jaxson also told me that no matter what he said, what anyone else said, or what anyone said they saw, to never doubt his devotion to me. That no matter what, in the end, he would be there for me and he would let no one else have me.
There’s a chance that I could still be being foolish and stupid. There’s a chance this all blows up in my face. But Jaxson hasn’t let me down yet. Over and over he’s proven how devoted he is to me. The least I can do is believe him.
So I say nothing at Lilah’s words. There’s nothing I can say. The only thing we can do is wait and see.
Adah must misread my silence, though, because she quickly adds, “But like we said. You don’t have to take our advice. Things will happen as the Supreme Force wills. But we’d be remiss if we didn’t try to steer you right.”
If it weren’t for Jaxson’s plans, my plans, I’d be ranting in indignation about people abusing their power and using deity’s name to justify their own abuse. I’d be telling them that it was cruel of Jaxson’s father to take Lilah from Mason. And it was no fault of Mason’s that he was upset. And Lilah doesn’t have to pretend that she’s not still affected by it. But not only would it ruin plans set into motion and give me unwanted attention, it wouldn’t help. It didn’t help me when I was at Loving Eden. The best thing Mara could have ever done was just be my friend in high school when not a lot of people wanted to be. To not talk about Loving Eden and be a safe space for me to work it all out on my own. To see that things didn’t have to be the way they were until I finally stood up for myself.
And besides that, I’m not trying to dismantle the Sovereignty. I’m trying to help steer it in a different direction.
We spend the rest of the evening talking about our personal lives. Adah regales us with detailed, graphic, and explicit tales of her exploits and adventures with her sugar baby. She tells us about her two daughters, both of whom are overseas getting their medical degrees. Lilah tells me about Nathaniel, her lover from the Oracle’s S-team, and one particularly harrowing experience where they were trapped on a beach naked together after losing their clothes to the tide.
“When I tell you, I’d never prayed so hard to the Supreme Force to get me out of trouble and that I’d be on the straight and narrow if it did,” she says through all our laughter.
“Did you stay on the straight and narrow?” I ask, already knowing the answer.
“Hell no,” Lilah says loudly, and we all laugh.
“What’s all that racket in here?” Landon says, poking in from the balcony .
“If you worried half as much about finding a wife as you did about me and what I’m doing, I’d have a daughter-in-law and grandchildren by now,” Lilah shoots back, and Landon leaves.
“That would also require him to spend less time with Caleb,” Adah adds.
“You know those two. Thick as thieves and attached at the hip since they met as barely teenagers,” Lilah answers.
If I didn’t know that Sovereignty doctrine was currently homophobic as hell, I’d point out that Lilah has likely answered her own question about why Landon doesn’t seem to have any interest in women. There are too many hints about Landon and Caleb for me not to put that together. Sharing a room when they travel when there is plenty of space available. Attached at the hip so much that I’ve never seen Landon without Caleb somewhere nearby, even after hours. Landon’s apparent disinterest in not just marriage but women in general. Lilah either is willfully blind or genuinely hasn’t put the pieces together. Judging by the way I know cult members tend to not notice anything that has no place in their worldview, I assume it’s the latter.
By the way that Adah catches my eye with a knowing look, she knows all this too.
I nod subtly to Adah, who nods back without Lilah ever noticing.
I’m satisfied to leave my suspicion at that. In high demand religions and cults with strict rules, the name of the game is plausible deniability. If I don’t see it, it’s not real.
Unfortunately, it’s not a game I get to play for long .
When we get home, I’m so distracted by Adah and Lilah that I forget to grab my phone from the car. But when I go back out, Landon and Caleb are already taking the car back around to the garage.
Lilah gives me directions for getting to the garage through the house, telling me that they usually leave the doors to the cars unlocked so I can just go in and get my phone.
I go into the garage and spot the sedan with black tinted windows in the back that we rode in. When I open the door, I get an eyeful of what the black tinted windows were hiding.
Caleb and Landon are in the backseat, clothes strewn all over the floor and chairs. Landon lays on top of Caleb, fondling his dick as they kiss, completely wrapped in their own world… until they realize I’ve opened the door and seen them.
“Fucking hell,” Landon screeches.
I open and close my mouth, stunned.
“What the hell are you doing here?” he snaps angrily.
I open and close my mouth trying to get the words “my phone” or some variation out of my mouth. What ends up coming out is, “My fucking God. It was only five minutes. How the hell did you two get your clothes off that quick?”
“Get the hell out of here!” Landon says.
I’m about to do that when I remember why I came out here.
“My phone!”
Caleb somehow has it in his hand and tosses it out to me. I catch it before slamming the door back and hightailing it back into the house.
So much for plausible deniability.