5. Res
5
Res
I was prepared to hear a lot of wild things from the mouth of Jaxson Devine.
Wild to normal people anyway. Once you’ve done dozens and dozens of interviews, nothing is wild or shocking anymore when it comes to a cult. I thought I was going to get more or less the same level of delusion from Jaxson as one tends to get when talking to or listening to other cult members who have swallowed their doctrines, hook, line, and sinker without any critical thinking. Like the people I grew up with and around at Loving Eden.
But hearing from Jaxson Devine’s mouth that his entire upbringing and the religion he’s dedicated his life to is bullshit was miles from even the last thing I expected to hear. Not because I didn’t know it was true. Of course it’s bullshit. That’s pretty much a certifiable fact. But because it’s him admitting to that.
I researched Jaxson. He doesn’t do a lot of public speaking or interviews. But every now and then he pops up at one of his father’s lectures and speaks about his generation of “youth.” As if Jaxson himself isn’t thirty-five years old. As if those youth aren’t a crew of adult twenty-five to thirty-five-year-olds. As if he can lecture them or advise them about anything when he’s under the delusional impression that his success is because of his dedication to the Sovereignty’s mission and not because he’s incredibly privileged because his father is scamming hundreds of thousands out their money each day.
However, Jaxson’s admission stands in the face of all that.
I open and close my mouth to say something. Anything. But find myself unable to find the words. Because what the fuck?
“You didn’t really think I believed in any of my father’s drivel? Did you?” he asks after too long of my silence.
I find the ability to talk again as I say, “Well you certainly put on a good show of it.”
“Most people can. What most people can’t do is admit to themselves that they think it’s a bunch of cock and bull. Let alone admit it to others. No matter what they do in their personal lives that suggests otherwise,” Jaxson adds. “You know, I hate those assholes the most.”
“Hmm,” I say before taking a long sip of my drink.
“Aren’t you going to ask why?”
“I can guess,” I admit. “It’s the hypocrisy, right? Because they really believe the bullshit. But then they ask people not to judge them because we all have our shortcomings or are striving for greatness or whatever. Their deviance is a righteous struggle because they believe the supposed absolute truth that it is a deviance. It makes them different from the ones who don’t believe it’s a deviance at all. Or something along those lines. Right?” I ask dryly.
“That sounded personal,” Jaxson comments .
“Not at all. But when you’ve interviewed a dozen people about cults, you’ve interviewed them all,” I lie.
I don’t feel like talking about my personal experience. Besides, Jaxson’s experience and what he just said is much more pressing.
I’ve already misjudged him. It’s possible him flying me out here wasn’t just him being curious or doing it because he wanted to convince a critic that his cult wasn’t so bad. It could have been a subtle way of getting help. I’ve talked to people with a lot more privilege than him in a cult who couldn’t leave despite all evidence looking like it pointed to the contrary. Children and spouses held hostage. Smear campaigns that wouldn’t let them get a job or support themselves anywhere else. Physically hiding all their identification documents. Conservatorships. Being declared mentally unfit. I’ve heard of it all.
“Is that why you called me out here?” I ask. “Do you need help escaping? If so, I can—”
Jaxson laughs. “Now, what makes you think I have any intention of leaving?”
I frown. “Because you just put me up all the way out here for an interview that we could have done over video and told me you think all of this is bullshit. That you’ve been living a lie your entire life.”
“Just because I think all this is bullshit doesn’t mean I’m living a lie, Snow White,” Jaxson assures.
Alarm bells go off in my head, even though Jaxson’s not doing anything threatening. Even though he hasn’t given me any indication that he would harm me. Right now, in this moment, I know he’s dangerous. And not in the normal delusional cult leader way. It’s much worse.
It takes everything in me not to take a step back as I say, “Then I think you and I have different definitions of living a lie.”
Jaxson chuckles. “Oh no. It’s the same. It’s just everyone else around me is too stupid to see the truth. But I’m not complaining about it.”
“So if you think this is all bullshit, but you still uphold the Sovereignty and all its harmful ideas, then what makes you different from the assholes you hate so much?” I ask, genuinely curious as I ignore my racing heart.
“Because I have much more ambitious ends than they do. Their end is to keep believing and hope the Supreme Force takes pity on them and takes their faith and belief into account when it gets bored and decides to create the world anew.”
The Supreme Force, from what little I could find on it, is the Sovereignty’s deity. A passive entity that created the universe out of boredom and put the onus on its creation to gain its attention and favor. It’s something right out of a sci-fi novel, and it’s a shame their first Oracle didn’t just write a book rather than start a religion.
“And what’s your end?” I ask.
“Power,” Jaxson says with a simple shrug.
“Power?”
“What? Expected something different? Isn’t that what everyone wants?”
“Not everyone. And you haven’t been predictable so far, so I expected something a little more creative. ”
“I could have, but that’s what everyone’s desires boils down to. You want a spouse? Power. A child? Power. A new job? Power. I’m just more honest about it than others.”
“Your honesty doesn’t make you not an asshole,” I point out.
“Never said I wasn’t an asshole. Just not the kind of asshole like the ones I hate.”
“I still don’t get it.”
He chuckles. “Nowhere else are you going to find a readily available group of hundreds of thousands of people, already committed to doing whatever the hell you say, and hundreds of thousands more who will grant you their ear and give you their money because giving to charity always brings good karma,” Jaxson says.
“So you’re taking advantage of them?”
“If I don’t, someone else is going to. Why not me?”
“Why not stop it? You know it’s wrong. You know it’s bullshit. So why not uncover the whole thing?”
“Because of what we’ve already established here, Snow White ,” he says, and this time I do take a step back.
I have to admit, I found the nickname funny when he first called me that. Clever even. With my naturally red lips, naturally black hair, and cool-toned skin that gets so pale in the winter it causes my cheeks to redden, it’s a fitting name.
Now, there’s nothing funny about it. Now it feels sinister. It feels like the foreshadowing of a dark retelling I’m about to live in real life. Where the prince kisses me without my consent under extenuating circumstances and then uses the fact that I owe him my life to take me as a reward and whisk me away to his castle .
Jaxson clears up my confusion by reminding me, “I want power.”
This. This is what makes Jaxson Devine more dangerous than a delusional cult leader.
It’s one thing to live in the delusion that you think you’re doing the right thing when it’s wrong. But when you know what you’re doing is wrong, and you don’t care? When you embrace the wrongness? When you can be honest about the wrongness and not care because it gets you what you want? That person is much more dangerous than the delusional man. The delusional man who thinks he’s good will draw a moral line in the sand. The man who doesn’t care only draws lines based on if crossing them will stop him from getting what he wants.
“You know I’m recording you,” I remind, because I’ve been recording this entire time.
Jaxson smirks. “I could just take your precious record.”
“If you can find it on me.”
The first thing I did after getting off the plane was strategically wire my recording device under my clothes. Specifically, in the lining of my padded bra.
“You think a man like me who just told you he’s part of something he knows is utter bullshit just for power is above stripping you naked until he finds what he wants?” he asks.
I take another step back.
He chuckles. “Relax. We’re not at that part of our game yet.”
“What game? ”
“Besides,” he continues, ignoring my question, “even if you put this entire conversation online for the entire Sovereignty to hear, they wouldn’t believe it.”
“I wouldn’t bet on that.”
“You would, and I think you’ve studied cults enough to know why.”
He’s right. On all accounts. It wouldn’t do anything.
People in cults are brainwashed against attempts to convince them their cult is wrong. The Oracles and all the Sovereignty’s leaders have no doubt already told their followers exactly how critics are going to come at them. Have already told them everything bad that people will say and characterized it in such a way that even with direct proof and evidence, they wouldn’t believe it. They would probably say the audio is doctored, and if it’s not, it’s AI or some technology specially made to trick them. Because the government, or a shadow government, or whatever power, is an agent of whoever their mystical antagonist is, trying to turn them away from the absolute truth.
“Besides,” Jaxson starts dismissively, “even if they did believe your little record, they wouldn’t care. Everyone has their reasons for joining, and it’s almost never the doctrine. As long as their reason is still there, they’ll stay. No matter how much they know it’s lies and bullshit. It’s an exercise in futility to try to tell them otherwise.”
“So if you can’t beat them, join them?” I ask.
“No. If you can’t beat them, rule them.”
“That’s sick,” I snap.
“Perhaps. But does it matter? ”
“People aren’t as gullible as you think.”
“They’re not. But as long as you’re willing to give them what they want, even if they don’t know what that is, they don’t care.”
“People do care. You can’t just…” I trail off, unable to form a proper argument in my anger and shock at his audacity.
“I can,” Jaxson says. “And I’ll show you.”
“Show me?”
In this moment, I realize that Jaxson has crowded me all the way into the corner of the balcony. One push and he could send me tumbling to the ground below.
“I’m going to convert you to the Sovereignty.”
“Never,” I snap, managing to keep my voice from shaking despite my heart racing.
“I’m going to invade your entire life. I’m going to consume it. I’m going to figure out everything you desire. All your wants. All your needs. All your fears. Then I’m going to shatter you. Break you into thousands of little pieces and make myself the only one who can put you back together again. And you’re going to be grateful for it, Snow White.”
He grabs a lock of my hair and twirls it between his fingers. With his face just centimeters from my own, I’m forced to acknowledge his handsome features. His dark gray eyes. His parted, trimmed, and combed dark hair. His full lips. His angular face. Strong jaw. Towering height.
It’s exhilarating and terrifying all at once. The thought of the things he’s thinking of doing to me, all the while I resist him every step of the way .
What can I say? I have a little rebellion kink.
“Get away from me,” I manage.
“And what will you do if I don’t?”
“I’m warning you.”
“Going to shoot me with this?” he asks, raising his other hand and revealing a gun, my gun , in it.
Fuck.
He caresses my face with the barrel. Puts it under my chin to tilt my head up. Puts his lips on mine.
It can hardly be called a kiss. It can hardly be called a peck. He pulls away after barely a second. But it’s enough. To my shame and against my better judgment, I look forward to the potential thrill of the chase. The adrenaline high of not knowing whether he’ll be waiting in every shadow and corner for me. That even when I think I’m safe, I won’t be.
I gather all my will and strength to push that part of myself away into a dark corner. I will never give this man the satisfaction.
“Fuck you,” I say instead.
“Eventually,” he says with a shrug
Jaxson backs away from me and turns his gaze back to the view where the sun is now setting pretty. I don’t waste any time gathering my phone, my purse, and my carryon. I should have left a long time ago. When I first sensed something dangerous.
“See you soon, Snow White,” Jaxson assures. Both a warning and a promise.