Chapter 9
‘Are you going to tell me where we’re going now?’ I asked, forcing a smile and trying to coax one from him. It wasn’t going to be much of a romantic break if even Rory was feeling miserable about it.
‘You’ll see when we get there,’ he said briefly. ‘It’s only a two-hour drive so not long to wait.’
I sighed with frustration. ‘Can’t you at least give me a clue?’
I frowned as we moved into the slip road at the next junction. It was the exit to Birmingham and Oxford. Were we having a city break? It didn’t seem likely, given Rory’s supposed secret agenda. But there were plenty of pretty villages around both.
At least I knew now that we weren’t going up north. I’d had a sneaking suspicion that we’d be heading for Lincolnshire, possibly somewhere near his parents’.
The weather up there was much colder than it was down here. I’d checked the forecast for the whole of England last night, although I was pretty certain we’d be staying within a few hours of home and Rory had just confirmed that. It was only a short break, after all.
A thought occurred to me and I shifted nervously in my seat. ‘It’s – it’s not the Cotswolds, is it?’
Rory exhaled heavily and gripped the steering wheel a little tighter. ‘Just wait and see.’
‘Yes but…’
He wouldn’t. Rory would never be that stupid. He knew perfectly well that I hadn’t visited the Cotswolds for years, and he knew why too.
‘Why don’t you play some music?’ Rory suggested. ‘There are some mints in the glove compartment if you want one.’
I gave him a sideways look, wondering what was wrong with him.
‘Why don’t you just tell me where we’re going?’ I asked. I glanced at the satnav which, when we’d set off had said we were ninety-one miles from our destination but, unhelpfully, didn’t mention where that destination was.
‘Just enjoy the journey and trust me,’ he said briefly.
Annoyed, I reached over and turned on the radio. I was even more annoyed when, instead of music, I realised we were now listening to some confused-sounding man desperately trying to win five hundred pounds by answering lame general knowledge questions.
When he failed to answer a single one correctly I said, ‘Good grief. I might ring that radio station tomorrow. I’d walk it.’
Rory gave me a tight smile, and I mentally shook my head, already fed up before we’d even got to wherever it was we were going.
I suddenly noticed that the M40 had become the A40 and we were only thirty-six miles from our destination. My stomach swirled and I stared at my husband, willing him to tell me that we weren’t going to be staying anywhere near the Cotswolds, even though it was looking increasingly likely.
‘Rory,’ I said coldly, ‘where exactly are we going?’
‘I told you, wait and see,’ he said.
Okay, we could be going anywhere, I told myself. This could be a trick to fool me. Make it more of a surprise. Don’t jump to conclusions.
I fought my anxiety and focused on the radio, but when the DJ announced he would be playing a triple bill of Buck’s Fizz hits I turned the radio off and, in the absence of alcohol, reached for a mint. I’d gone off eighties music a long time ago.
My mind drifted to the possibility that we really were going to be spending four nights in the Cotswolds. How would I deal with that if we were? I hadn’t visited the area for years. Eighteen years in fact.
How could I when it was there that Danny had met his end?
That bloody stupid fancy dress party! I should have been with him, but I’d made an excuse.
I’d said I wasn’t feeling well. That I felt sick.
Danny, I remembered with shame, had got excited about that, even though he was sorry I was ill.
I’d known what he’d been thinking, hoping.
I should have said it was a headache, but I’d used that one before on several occasions.
‘I think it was something I ate,’ I’d said, trying to manage his expectations.
Danny had looked a little downcast at that. ‘Oh well, perhaps,’ he’d said uncertainly. ‘Look, I’ll give it a miss, too. I’ll stay home with you and make sure you’re okay.’
‘No! Don’t be silly. I’m going to have a warm bath and an early night. I just want peace and quiet to be honest. You go. You don’t want to miss out on this. You’ve been looking forward to it for ages. You’ve got your costume and everything.’
That bloody Adam Ant costume! I’d howled with laughter when he’d shown it to me and he’d been quite hurt, but I had to admit that, when he finally tried it on and I helped him with the make-up, he actually looked rather cute in it.
‘Well, so have you,’ he’d pointed out.
I’d decided to go as Debbie Harry from Blondie, because who was cooler than that? And if I had to dress as some 1980s pop star I couldn’t think of anyone better. Deep down, though, I’d known I was just going along with it. I had no intention of going to the party. Not really.
‘It doesn’t matter about that,’ I’d told him. ‘Just go and enjoy yourself, or I’m going to have a whole load of guilt on my shoulders on top of feeling unwell. There’s no point in you being here if I’m just going to sleep, is there? Besides, you promised Brooke a lift, didn’t you?’
‘But I’ll be away all night!’
‘And that’s fine. I’ll see you tomorrow and I’ll probably feel much better then.’
‘Well, if you’re sure…’
‘I’m sure,’ I’d said firmly. ‘And you can tell me all about it when you get home.’
But he’d never arrived home. And that guilt I’d worried about? It lived with me every single minute of every single day. I couldn’t imagine ever being free of it.
Rowan Vale.
For a minute, I stared blankly at the signpost welcoming us to the village and my mind groped for something… Then it hit me and I turned to Rory, horrified.
‘Here?’
He nodded grimly. ‘It’s a beautiful village, Kirsty. We’re going to be staying at the village inn. It’s called The Quicken Tree, and it has really good reviews. The whole village is run like a museum. It’s the perfect place for a short break, it really is.’
I could barely see him for tears of pain and rage. ‘How can you be so insensitive and cruel? This is part of the Harling Estate! Danny and Brooke were killed not far from this very spot! What the hell are you thinking?’
‘I know it seems like a weird choice—’
‘A weird choice?’ I could hardly believe what he was saying. ‘Stop the car this minute!’
‘Don’t be daft. We’re nearly there now.’
‘I’m not going to spend any time at all in Rowan Vale, let alone four bloody nights! What’s wrong with you? Do you hate me or something?’
‘Hate you?’ Rory pulled over to the side of the road, turned off the engine, and rubbed his face wearily. ‘Don’t you understand? I love you! I just don’t know what else to do, Kirsty.’
He sounded so broken, so full of despair that I didn’t know what to say.
‘I… I don’t know what you mean,’ I said eventually.
‘I’ve tried to get past this,’ he said, his voice thick with emotion, ‘but the truth is I can’t carry on pretending any more.’
‘Pretending?’
‘Oh, come on! Please, let’s stop lying to ourselves, shall we? I can feel Danny’s presence with us all the time. I thought, after all these years, we’d be through the worst. I thought you’d moved on. I would never have asked you to marry me if I’d known how much grief you were still suffering.’
‘Rory, I’m—’
‘Don’t tell me I’m imagining things. I’ve tried for so long to tell myself the same thing, but it’s there, all the time. You know it’s true. It’s time we both faced up to what happened in the past and try to find some closure, because if not…’
‘If not, what?’ I demanded, shock and guilt making me sound more belligerent than I’d meant to.
Rory just stared at me, then started the car.
I sat in shocked silence as we drove along the road, barely noticing the pretty cottages, the river and the church. There were plenty of people milling about, but something struck me as odd.
‘Why are we the only car on the road?’
There weren’t even any parked up which, given the amount of people there were, seemed bizarre.
‘I told you. This place is run as a museum. A living history village. There are no cars allowed.’
‘So how come we’re driving here?’
‘Guests at The Quicken Tree Inn have special permission. It has its own car park, so we’re allowed to leave our car there. The only condition is that we can’t use it to drive around the village. It’s strictly for going in and out of Rowan Vale. Quite quirky, right?’
Quirky wasn’t the word I had in mind. It struck me as horrifically ironic that Danny and Brooke had died in a car crash in a place that didn’t allow cars.
The road crossed the river and Rory turned into a driveway on the left.
We found ourselves in a courtyard. There was a beautiful ivy clad, honey stone inn with a stone slate roof, multiple chimneys, quoined mullion windows, and even pink roses growing around the stone porch.
Dormer windows suggested there were three floors in the main building, and there was also a large annexe attached.
I realised it was no ordinary country inn.
We pulled up and stared at the solid oak door and the latticed windows.
‘It’s old,’ I said.
‘Fifteenth century,’ Rory told me. ‘It used to be two houses, an old pub and a stable block, but the pub and the houses were converted into one large building about a hundred years ago. Then the stable block was converted into two separate holiday cottages about fifty years ago.’
‘Are we booked into one of the cottages?’ I asked hopefully. If there was going to be a lot of arguments during this short break it would be nice to have a bit of privacy.
‘No.’ Rory sounded apologetic. ‘They were already fully booked.’
‘In April?’
‘This is a very popular place. The ratings and reviews are fantastic.’
‘I expect it cost a lot.’
‘It wasn’t cheap, but I thought it was worth it.’
‘Did you?’
He took a deep breath. ‘Look, Kirsty, I know this has been a shock to you—’
‘A shock?’ I gave a bitter laugh. ‘I don’t think that even begins to cover it.’
‘Maybe not, but do you understand why I had to bring us here? We need to face up to the ghosts of the past. Danny’s gone. I’m your husband now. It’s time to move on or…’ His teeth nipped at his lower lip, betraying his nerves. ‘Or let go.’
I turned sharply to face him. ‘Let go? Is that what you want?’ My chest felt tight and I was suddenly breathless. Had it really come to this?
But what did I expect? I knew I was holding back from Rory. I’d always known it. I just didn’t know how to break through the wall I’d built between us. I wasn’t even sure there was a way to do that.
‘Of course it’s not what I want,’ he said desperately.
‘I wouldn’t have brought you here if I wanted to give up on us.
This is all I could think of to make us deal with whatever it is that’s stopping you moving forward.
I know it’s hard for you, but don’t you think it’s hard for me too?
Being second best. Second choice. How can I live up to the sainted Danny?
And there I go again, hating myself for even saying that. God, this is a mess.’
‘You’re not second best! Don’t even think that.’
He gave me a troubled look. ‘But that’s how you make me feel sometimes, Kirsty. Maybe you don’t mean to, but…’
I blinked away tears, wondering how he could have got things so wrong. I wished I could explain to him, tell him the whole truth. But I couldn’t face it. He would never look at me the same way again.
‘So, will you stay here?’ he asked gently. ‘Will you give it – us – a final chance?’
Rowan Vale. The place where Danny and Brooke had died.
Where a part of me had died, too. Because how could I ever be fully alive again knowing what I knew?
I wanted to scream at Rory to turn the car around and take me home as fast as possible.
I wanted to tell him that if he wanted to fix us, this was the last possible place he should have brought me.
I wanted to make him understand that, if he couldn’t deal with me the way I was now, there was no hope, because I couldn’t think of a way to change, and I couldn’t see any way forward for us both.
This was as good as it was going to get. I had nothing left to give him.
But there was that hint of hope in his voice, and an undisguised plea in his eyes, and I just couldn’t do it. I couldn’t take any more guilt. I had to go along with this, no matter what. After all, wasn’t that what I did best? Going along with things. Taking the easy way out.
I nodded, swallowing down the emotion that threatened to choke me. ‘Fine,’ I said. ‘Four nights. How bad can it be?’
Oh, I had no idea…