Chapter 14
The next morning there was a distinct chill in the air and not just outside. Rory and I were civil to each other but there was something unmistakably wrong with him. He was keeping an emotional distance from me, and we ate breakfast in polite silence.
‘Are we going for a walk round the village?’ I asked, as we headed back up to our room to collect our coats.
To my surprise he shook his head vehemently.
‘No, I don’t think so. I was chatting to the bar staff last night and they told me there are steam trains here that take you to Much Melton.
Apparently, there’s a little vintage bus you can catch from outside the church that takes you to the station.
I was thinking we could do a bit of shopping in town and have lunch there before heading back here. ’
I couldn’t help thinking that this wasn’t really what we’d supposedly come here for, and I didn’t see how doing a bit of shopping away from Rowan Vale was going to help us. We could have done that anywhere.
‘I have a better idea,’ I said slowly as we approached our room and Rory took the key from his pocket.
The idea had come to me in the early hours of the morning when I’d awakened from a particularly horrible dream and had lain awake for a good hour, my mind racing and my stomach churning while Rory slept peacefully beside me.
‘You said I should get some closure. Accept that Danny is gone.’
I took a deep breath. No turning back now. ‘I think you’re right,’ I continued. ‘So I think we should go to the place where – where the accident happened. I think we should lay flowers there and say a proper goodbye to Danny. Brooke, too, of course. Maybe that would help let them go…’
I waited for him to say something, but he just stared at me for a moment, then slowly unlocked the room door.
‘You were right,’ I said hurriedly. ‘I have to face this. Danny’s dead. He’s never coming back. I have to accept that and I think that, by seeing where he actually lost his life, I’ll be able to process it all at last.’
Still not a word.
This wasn’t what I was expecting at all.
I’d thought he would be pleased that I was willing to take this enormous step forward, but the look on his face suggested he thought it was an appalling idea, which was quite galling really.
I mean, it was a big deal for me. Facing up to what I’d done.
What I’d caused. It was going to take an epic amount of courage and self-control, and I would never have suggested it if I wasn’t desperate to get us back on track, so to have him ignore me was pretty annoying to be honest.
‘Rory?’
He pushed open the door of our room and practically fell inside, as if his legs had turned to jelly or something.
‘What is it?’ I asked, closing the door behind us.
‘I don’t think we should do that today,’ he said quickly. ‘I’ve made plans now. I think it would be much more fun to go on a steam train and do some shopping.’
‘Fun?’ I gasped. ‘But this isn’t about fun, is it? This is about me moving on from Danny. Facing up to the fact that he’s dead and gone. Fixing our marriage.’
‘We’re here until Sunday,’ he said, not looking at me. ‘We don’t have to do that today, do we?’
‘But you said—’
‘Don’t you like the sound of a steam train ride?’ he asked. ‘I do.’ He glanced at his watch. ‘We need to get a move on if we’re going to catch it. I have to be back here for two thirty.’
My mouth fell open. ‘Are you serious? And why do you have to be back here for two thirty?’
‘Oh, just thought I’d go to the motor museum in Chipping Royston,’ he said. ‘It was in one of the brochures. A wonderful collection of vintage cars and buses. I bought a ticket online.’
‘One ticket?’ I asked incredulously.
‘Well, yes. You’re not really interested in old vehicles, are you?
It wouldn’t be your cup of tea at all. So I thought – Much Melton for shopping and lunch this morning, then I’ll go to Chipping Royston and you can find something you’d like to do here for the afternoon, then we’ll meet for dinner later. ’
‘But I thought—’
He grabbed his coat and passed mine to me. ‘Ready?’
‘We’re really spending the morning shopping?’
‘And lunch,’ he reminded me. ‘And a steam train ride. Exciting, eh?’
‘Brilliant.’ I didn’t know what else I could say. He was behaving so oddly that I felt quite dazed by the whole thing and couldn’t help wondering if I’d pushed him so far he was finally having the nervous breakdown that I’d always assumed had my name on it.
We wrapped up warmly because, despite the clear skies and sunshine, it was still quite cold outside, and headed out across the road from the pub to the church.
‘And the bus stops here, does it? Because there’s no sign,’ I pointed out.
Rory was looking around him as if searching for something.
‘What’s the matter?’ I asked. He didn’t seem to hear me, so I tapped him on the shoulder.
He jumped in fright and I threw up my hands in exasperation. ‘What is wrong with you today?’
‘Wrong? Nothing’s wrong. I was just looking for the bus, that’s all.’
‘And it does stop here?’
‘What? Oh yes, yes Penny said so. You just stick your hand out, that’s all.’ He looked from left to right again then cast a nervous glance down the path that led to the church.
‘Rory, are you unwell?’ I asked, beginning to feel seriously concerned.
He gave me a bright smile. ‘I’m fine. Looking forward to this, aren’t you? A vintage bus and a steam train. Can’t wait.’
‘No,’ I said, trying to smother the sarcasm. ‘Me neither.’
I had to admit, though, that when our ride finally arrived it was quite sweet. A burgundy and cream little bus that looked like something from a wartime film or something. There was even a cheery bus conductress on board to sell us tickets.
‘Here for the day or on holiday?’ she enquired as she handed Rory his change.
‘We’re here for our wedding anniversary,’ Rory said. ‘We’re staying at the inn.’
‘Ooh, very nice,’ the conductress said. ‘You’ll enjoy the train ride. It’s ever so popular. Going anywhere nice today, are you?’
‘It’s been ten years,’ Rory said, as if he hadn’t heard a word the conductress said. ‘We’ve been married ten years on Saturday.’
‘Er, congratulations.’
‘We’re going to Much Melton,’ I said hastily, feeling that the day had taken a surprisingly surreal turn.
‘Lovely little town.’ She nodded approvingly. ‘My boyfriend’s mum lives there but I don’t hold it against the place.’ She tapped the side of her nose and laughed.
‘We’re going to buy pyjamas,’ Rory said flatly.
Both the conductress and I turned to stare at him. My face burned with embarrassment. The conductress looked thoroughly bemused.
‘Oh well, that’s nice, isn’t it?’ She gave an awkward laugh. ‘That your anniversary present to each other, eh?’
Rory blinked and gave her a meaningful stare. ‘It’s always wise to be fully dressed at all times, don’t you think?’ he asked slowly.
The conductress gave me a look that clearly asked what the heck was up with this weirdo I was married to. I gave her a look back that said, don’t ask me and don’t blame me either because I haven’t the foggiest idea what’s up with him.
Rory turned and stared out of the window in silence, which I supposed I should be grateful for.
The conductress gave me an awkward smile then headed back to the front of the bus where, no doubt, she was telling the only other passengers onboard that they should avoid eye contact with the strange fella at the back, and showing them where the emergency stop bell was, just in case.
The bus trundled along the little streets and out into the countryside.
It was a cool April day, but the sun was shining, and daffodils lined the verges, bringing a splash of gold to the already beautiful views.
Rory seemed to relax suddenly and leaned back in his seat.
I breathed a silent sigh of relief, but it was short-lived.
‘Are we still on the Harling Estate?’ Rory asked suddenly, leaning forward as if he’d just thought of something terrible.
‘How would I know?’ I asked. ‘Isn’t there a map on one of those brochures?’
He rummaged around in his coat pocket and pulled out a whole bundle of them, then began opening them up and quickly scanning through them, passing each one to me as he discarded it.
I watched him in bewilderment, wondering what on earth he was so het up about now.
‘We are!’ he said at last, holding up a map of the Harling Estate. ‘And look! The train station’s part of the estate, too. See? Harling’s Halt. It falls within the boundary.’
I frowned. ‘So what?’
‘So what?’ He stared at me as if I were insane for a moment then nodded. ‘Yes, you’re right. It doesn’t matter, does it?’
‘Not in the slightest.’
‘And it’s on the very edge anyway, so as soon as the train starts going, we’ll be out of the estate, you see?’
‘And that matters because…?’
‘I’m just telling you!’ he said indignantly. ‘I thought you’d be interested.’
‘In land boundaries? Funnily enough I’m not particularly bothered.’
‘I was just making conversation.’ He sat back in the seat again and stared out of the window, nibbling at his thumbnail and looking surprisingly tense.
I had absolutely no idea what was wrong with him, but I was determined not to let his behaviour get to me.
Rory had said we were on a make-or-break holiday, and I was beginning to wonder if the pressure of that was getting to him.
He’d said he’d been worried about us for so long he couldn’t even remember when it started.
That must have been an awful lot to deal with, all locked up inside him.
I knew how that felt, and it was yet more shame to deal with.
That I’d brought this lovely man, who I adored, to such a state made me hate myself even more.
I really hadn’t thought that was possible.
Now we were here, maybe it wasn’t just me who needed to let go of all the hurt and pain.
Maybe Rory needed to as well, and maybe being here, knowing this could well be our final chance at making our marriage work, was affecting him in ways neither of us could have foreseen.
I had to be patient, as he’d been patient with me for so long.
I took his hand and squeezed it tightly. He didn’t look round, but he squeezed my hand back and I took heart from that, telling myself that despite his odd behaviour, he was still Rory.
This was just a blip. We were going to be fine.